Remembering The Veterans

Today is Veteran's Day and a time to remember that the freedom we enjoy today is due to the millions of United States soldiers and allies who served or are serving in the military. Most have returned home, but many were severely injured or were killed in action.

I have to especially remember my father, James Sullivan Sr., (pictured left) who served in World War II and my late nephew, Jonathan Sullivan.

I served in the United States Army as well as Brother Kirt, who was in Vietnam. My friends Chris, Doug, Frankie, Gary, Jack, Jimmy, Carl, Victor and Wally also are remembered, as they served their country as well.

I ask all my readers and friends to take the time to remember our soldiers, past and present, and to extend a welcome hand to anyone in uniform. I can assure you that the gesture will be quite welcome and you can put a little sunshine into a soldier or veteran's life.

The News As I See It: Apparently there is a huge crack cocaine problem in Toronto. Luckily, it’s just confined to the mayor’s office.

Chris Christie won a second term as New Jersey governor. Christie said he couldn't have done it without his biggest supporter – and then his belt said, "Happy to help, man."

As I'm sure you’ve heard by now, the mayor of Toronto, a man named Rob Ford, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. People should have seen this coming. There were signs, like his campaign slogan: "Just say yes."

I was thinking about Thanksgiving and I realized who we should put in charge of the Obamacare website — the Butterball hotline people. Have you ever called them? They always pick up. They're friendly. They have all of the information you need. And they're used to dealing with big turkeys.

Half of the state of Colorado voted to secede from the United States. This is what happens when you legalize marijuana

According to CNN, they're now developing a new spy plane that can travel six times the speed of sound and can launch missiles. They said it could really help us with our spying. In fact, this plane is so good President Obama is already denying knowing anything about it.

This Date In History: 1620; The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1831; Former slave Nat Turner was executed. 1889; Washington became the 42nd state.

1918; The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I. 1921; The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery. 1965; Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.

1992; The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests. 2004; Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.

Picture Of The Day: The picture says it all.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm being so much nicer to my menopausal girlfriend since she showed me how easy it was to remove bloodstains from carpeting. 2) My cell phone autocorrected, "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer". I sent it anyway. 3) Note to bicycling enthusiasts who go speeding by me as I'm walking: When you yell "on your left" as you go by, it only lets me know which arm to "clothesline" you with. 4) When you apply for a job at Hooters, they hand you a bra and say, "Here, just fill this out." 5) I start, but rarely complete my paintings and song writing, for I am a master of the partial arts.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 11th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renown liars. Bits and pieces of last night will flash before your eyes today. This is all due to the excitement and pleasure of your new found love - drinking all night at the country music karaoke bar.

Birthdays: My friends Gerald, Sharlan and Tommy - Happy Birthday - 19XX, Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor, and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: At the shopping mall the other day, an old man watched a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? The old man did not bat an eye and responded, "Yep, I got drunk one night and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The Doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."

The woman says, "Well, yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies. That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

She went on, " Later, there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me." The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "There, there, it's nothing to be afraid of. You're simply going through the change."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Old Josh said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The little boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Old Josh said, "I know, that's from your grandma....."

The woman said to her friend, "I just don't understand?! I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I can never get a date and guys just don't seem interested in me. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her friend said, "I know a Chinese doctor that can help you."

So, her friend gave her the doctor's address and the next day she went to see him. She tells the doctor what her problem was and he proceeded to give her instructions. The Doctor says, "Take off your crows." The woman said, "What, what did you say?" The Doctor said, "take off your crows", motioning for her to take off her clothes.

The Doctor says "Ok, now craw to the window". The woman says, "What?" The Doctor repeats, "Craw to the window" he said as he got down on all fours to show her what he meant. So she crawled to the window. He says, "Now craw back to me," motioning her to come back.

The Doctor says, "Ah-ha! I know what your problem is. You have Ed Zachary disease." The woman says, "Ed Zachary disease, what's that?" The Doctor says "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass".

That's it for today, my little cashew nuts. Remember, if you say "no ifs, ands, or buts", then get ready for a shitload of "shoulds", "as well as", and "howevers".

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Throwing Stones From A Glass House

Liberals were all over the CMA Awards on their Obamacare skit, going as far as calling it "racist". Perhaps they missed Saturday Night Live's constant Sarah Palin skits. It seems like anytime you don't agree with liberal arguments and they have no genuine response to a criticism, they resort to using the word "racist".

It's sort of like when someone cuts you off while driving and you can't identify him (or her) by race or country of origin, you resort to calling him a son-of-a-bitch.

In my opinion, if something's funny, then it's funny no matter who plays the "fall guy". Witness Time Magazine's cover showing a silhouette of Republican governor Chris Christie and the phrase "The Elephant In The Room."

Time can fall back on the fact the the GOP symbol is an elephant and Christie is a republican, hence the phrase. But reading between the lines, it is obvious that Christie suffers from a weight problem and sometimes discretion is the better part of valor.

Imagine the rants from liberals in 2008 if Time would have shown the democratic hopeful Barack Obama in silhouette and referred to him as a dark horse. The liberals would have burned downed the Time Magazine headquarters.....

The News As I See It: Matt Lauer and Al Roker had prostate exams live on the "Today" show. So the "Today" show has finally cracked the code on what people want to see first thing in the morning. I can't argue with the importance of having your prostate checked but doing it during breakfast? This is not the first time Matt Lauer has had a surgical procedure on the "Today" show. About a year ago he had Ann Currie removed.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years — for example, that lap-band surgery doesn't always work. Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. His new slogan: "Put the oval in the Oval Office."

Obama's approval rating is down to 39 percent and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He’d be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare.

Mayor Rob Ford admitted that he smoked crack a year ago when he was in a quote, “drunken stupor.” Geez, if that guy smokes crack when he's drunk, I'd hate to see what happens when he smokes crack.

Bill de Blasio, the new mayor of New York City is a progressive Democrat with an African-American wife who used to be a lesbian. The new mayor's campaign slogan? "If I turned her around, imagine what I can do for New York City."

Marvel Comics is introducing its first major superhero who is a female Muslim. The female Muslim superhero can fly, which comes in handy because she's not allowed to drive.

This Date In History: 1889; Montana became the 41st state. 1892; Former president Grover Cleveland beat incumbent Benjamin Harrison and became the only president to win nonconsecutive terms in the White House.

1923; Adolf Hitler attempted, and failed, to seize control of the German government in the Beer Hall Putsch. 1960; John F. Kennedy defeated Richard M. Nixon for the presidency of the United States.

1966; Edward W. Brooke of Massachusetts became the first Black to be elected to the U.S. Senate since Reconstruction. 1994; After a 40-year Democrat domination, the Republican Party gained control of the U.S. House of Representatives, as well as a Senate majority.

Picture Of The Day: Time Magazine's cover page of Republican Governor Chris Christie. Although Time is surely aware of Christie's constant wight struggle, they opted for "The Elelphant In The Room." Long known as a tasteless rag, Time Magazine once again shows why its readership is going down the tubes.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) India recently launched a rocket to Mars. That's a heck of a place to put a customer service call center. 2) My friend had to sign a form stating she understands her mother's cremation is non-reversible. I weep for our species. 3) I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked. 4) I met a girl at the club who was so self absorbed, I'll bet she doesn't even need tampons. 5) Dyslexics are teople poo !.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 8th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. This is easily fixed if you stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with women to whom you are attracted.

Birthdays: My friends Bobbie, Freddie and Robert - Happy Birthday 19XX, Edmond Halley, English Astronomer and Mathematician 1656, Bram Stoker, novelist 1847, Margaret Mitchell, novelist 1900, Martha Gellhorn, international correspondent 1908, Christiaan Barnard, surgeon 1923, Bonnie Raitt, blues-rock singer 1949, Parker Posey, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time and just as much as ever.

The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.

The second old lady decides to try this approach. That night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, we have friends coming over tonight. Comb your hair and put your teeth in.”
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "It sure does. You have to pull hard on the cord, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Incensed and thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

He said to Little Johnny, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Little Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. He said, "I have not cursed in twenty years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"

Little Johnny tearfully replied, "My goldfish died and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

That's it for today, my little Puddy Tats. Remember, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers." I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Outsourced Customer Service Calls - A Comedy Of Errors

I called my bank this morning for some information and a man whose voice sounded like he worked at a 7-11 responded, "Hello, My name's Billy. How can I help you?" I asked, "Billy, are you in America?" He replied, "No, I am in India." I said, "Is Billy a common name in India?"

The first rule of communication is that in order to have a conversation, you must be able to understand each other. If a customer service representative is able to understand my problem and I am able to understand his response, step one is complete. If the rep can then answer your question or resolve your problem, step two is complete and mission accomplished. In this case, "Billy" was able to resolve the matter.

Some of my latest customer service calls were answered in India, the Philippines and Costa Rica. Each rep had a name like "Mary", "Tom" or "Susie". Oddly enough, there were no "Biffs" or "Buffys".

Many companies, in order to save money, ship their customer service calls overseas. Whether you support this practice or not is immaterial. The main point of customer service is usually to resolve problems and answer questions. I have hung up many a time because either I didn't understand the rep or he didn't understand me. Sometimes both.....

When speaking to customer reps in America, I always make a point to tell any company my experiences with their customer service and I tell them when it's is terrible. I also advise them that I will spread the word. It may not ever solve the problems, but it makes me feel better......

The News As I See It: According to a new study out of Harvard, it is easier for people to be moral in the morning. They say people are more moral at the beginning of the day, but they become more dishonest as the day goes on. So when people say Congress is as dishonest as the day is long, we now have scientific proof.

Scientists say that women with larger asses are smarter. I believe the study was funded by the Kardashian Institute for Scientific Research.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden got a new job in Moscow. Not only that, but he was also able use his computer to sign up for "PutinCare."

Forbes magazine has named Russian President Vladimir Putin as the most powerful person in the world. Vladimir Putin, the most powerful person in the world. Number two: Kelly Ripa.

Last week, CNN had its lowest ratings in more than a year with just 385,000 viewers. You can tell they're worried about money by Wolf Blitzer's new show: "The Situation Roommate."

Last Sunday, the New York City Marathon was won in both the men's and women's divisions by Kenyans. Coming in a close second were some other Kenyans. The Kenyan man ran the marathon, collected his first-place medal and then ran back to Kenya. They're going to make the marathon really exciting next year. They're going to open all the manholes.

This Date In History: 1860; Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States. 1861; Jefferson Davis was elected president of the Confederate States of America. 1869 The first intercollegiate soccer game took place.

1893; Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53. 1913; Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.

Picture Of The Day: Well, yesterday the theme was waterfalls and, as promised, today's pictures are from marvellous caves around the world.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen". 2) To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.  3) I purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable. 4) I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer. 5) Good luck to the 13 year old girl who is pregnant and wrote "California" for ethnicity on her clinic forms.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 6th: A report of startling significance will reveal to you everything you need to know about the feelings of another co-worker. A light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds for you and that person. The light is a little bit blinding though, so you might want to duck out of the way when it gets closer. I think it's a light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train.

Birthdays: My friends Beverly, Judi and Cousin Rocky - Happy Birthday all 19XX, John Philip Sousa, American Bandmaster and Composer 1843, James Naismith, inventor of basketball 1861, Thomas H. Ince, filmmaker 1882, Walter Johnson, baseball player 1887, Harold W. Ross, editor 1892, James Jones, novelist 1921, Mike Nichols, actor and director 1931, Sally Field, actress 1946, Maria Shriver, TV newscaster 1955, Ethan Hawke, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They are knocked over, but continue to ask, "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob replies, "I lied about my age." They ask, "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two young Louisiana men were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy.

Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

That's it for today, my little Cracker Jacks and Jill's. Remember, ain't no sunshine when she's gone.....or sandwiches. Ain't no sandwiches either. I.m heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Natural Beauty Of Waterfalls

Since I was a kid, every time I got near caves or waterfalls, I investigated or explored them. Obviously, growing up in Miami, there weren't too many opportunities although oddly enough, there are several sites around town that have curious and interesting limestone formations.

Fortunately, I have family and friends throughout the South and  there are enough waterfalls and caves to keep you busy for a lifetime.

This week, I will be concentrating on several of these beauties of nature and relate some of my experiences camping in the mountains and exploring the caves, mountains, streams and waterfalls of the south.

The News As I See It: I hope you all had a fun Halloween. I'm just couldn't get into the Halloween spirit. I just turned on the electric fence and went to bed early.

The Obamas gave out dried fruit to more than 5,000 trick-or-treaters. In a related story, today workers outside the White House had to sweep up a bunch of dried fruit.

Six kids showed up for Halloween with no costumes at all, just dressed like ordinary people. They said, "We're the six people who signed up for Obamacare on the first day."

According to CBS News, only six people enrolled in Obamacare on the first day of the rollout. Six! That means more people have walked on the moon than have signed up for Obamacare.

The  White house said that the number six is not official. Really? Not official? If we wait it could go as high as seven?

Did everybody remember to set your clocks back one hour? You might think you're gaining an hour, but trying to get the clock back on that nail actually makes you lose an hour.

Friday was World Vegan Day. It’s the day we're all supposed to think about a vegan diet.....! There! I thought about it. It's not for me. Vegans can't eat eggs. They can't eat dairy. From what I've seen, they can't even shave their legs. Ozzy Osbourne recently started a vegan diet. Right now up in animal heaven, there's a bat without a head saying, "Oh, so now he's vegan."

Obama's Facebook account was hacked by the Syrian Electronic Army. When Obama found out about this, he said, "Can you guys fix the Obamacare website?"

This Date In History: 1842; Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Ill. 1880; James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register. 1922; Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.

1924; Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office. 1956; Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.

1979; The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage. 1995; Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.

2008; Democratic senator Obama wins the presidential election against Sen. John McCain, taking 338 electoral votes to McCain's 161. Obama makes history as the first mixed race U.S. president.

Picture Of The Day: As I mentioned in Friday's post, I'm fascinated by caves and waterfalls. If my mind allows me to remember, maybe we'll do some cave pictures on Wednesday.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A cop pulled me over and said. ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss! 2) (Cashier): "Sir, the toilet paper you're buying goes on sale tomorrow." (Me): "Cool, I'll check with my family to see of they can hold it."  3) It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching, but it turned out to be 500 bees on a bicycle. 4) People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder. 5) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 4th: Sid may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you like because he's just "that" connected. I think the name is "Sid".....now I'm unsure. What rhymes with "Sid"?

Birthdays: My good friend and ski instructor Donna - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Will Rogers actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884,  Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actress 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day, while doing door-to-door market research, A man knocked on a door and was greeted by a beautiful young housewife. The researcher said, "Hello, I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

The woman answered, "Yes. My husband and I use it during sex." The researcher was taken aback. He said, "Um, I admire you for your honesty. Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" The woman replied, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

At the end of the 2012 tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the Chief Financial Officer and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

The CFO replied, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."The auditor replied, "Oh", disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

The auditor asked, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast?" The CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him, "Ah yes, we save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster." The auditor answered, "I see."

The auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO, went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The CFO answered, "Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and about once a year, they send us a complete dick."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?" The brown thing said, "I'm a cow." The zebra asked, "Right, and what do you do?" The cow said, "I make milk for the farmer." The zebra said, "Cool."

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The white thing said, "I'm a chicken." The zebra said, "Oh. What do you do?" The chicken said, "I make eggs for the farmer." The zebra replied, "Right, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" The beast said, "I am a Stallion," The zebra said, "Wow, what do you do?" The stallion said, "Take off your pajamas, darling and I'll show you."

A loving grandfather always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time - just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she'd take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. He asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" His granddaughter replied, "Oh, yes, Grandpa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, blind bastard, dipshit or son-of-a-bitch anywhere we went!"

That's it for today, my little licorice sticks.. Remember, if you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say "in Jesus name amen".

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Autumn Leaves

This is the time of year that becomes warm and fuzzy to me and it always reminds me of one of my favorite romantic songs, "Autumn Leaves". I have recorded and performed this song in both the traditional slow version and the uptempo, jazz version. 

The American songwriter Johnny Mercer wrote the English lyrics in 1947 and Jo Stafford was among the first to perform "Autumn Leaves", which became a pop standard and a jazz standard in both English and French, both as an instrumental and with a singer. It has been recorded by Nat king Cole and many others.

The falling leaves drift by the window
The autumn leaves of red and gold
I see your lips, the summer kisses
The sun-burned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long
And soon I'll hear old winter's song
But I miss you most of all my darling
When autumn leaves start to fall
 

The News As I See It: Con artists are using Obamacare confusion to sign people up for fake health insurance. The scammers lure victims with false promises like, "If you like your healthcare plan, you can keep your healthcare plan."

At Domino's website, you can track the progress of your pizza. That's fine. That's running perfectly. No problems there. But you can't get Obamacare there either.

This Date In History: 1512; Michelangelo's paintings on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel were shown to the public for the first time. 1755; Earthquake, fires, and tsunami leveled Lisbon and claimed 70,000 lives.

1765; The Stamp Act, the first direct tax on the American colonies, went into effect. 1870; The U.S. Weather Bureau made its first meteorological observations. 1936; Benito Mussolini described the new alliance between Nazi Germany and Italy as an "axis" running between Berlin and Rome.

1952; The United States exploded the first hydrogen bomb in a test in the Marshall Islands. 1993; The Maastricht Treaty was enacted, establishing the European Union.

Picture Of The Day: There's something about caves and waterfalls that have always intrigued me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down. 2) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 3) Jehovah's witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes. 4) I'll be honest with you, a lot of today's jokes have been re-gifted. 5) Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - November 1st: Neither fire, brimstone nor the devil's genitals will get in your way as you chase your way through Beelzebub's lair in order to obtain what you aim for. One of the problems with getting your own way with love is that sometimes you have to be a bit evil. The thing is, you're a natural.

Birthdays: William Merritt Chase, painter 1849, Stephen Crane, novelist, poet 1871, Naomi Mitchison, writer 1897, Gary Player, golfer 1936 ,Lyle Lovett, musician, singer, songwriter 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day, the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says, "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies, "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"

The sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues, "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."

Billy-Bob went on, "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did. Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same."

Billy-Bob continued, "Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said, "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

A farmer purchases an old, run-down farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart and the fences are collapsing all around. During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

The preacher says. "Amazing! Look what God and you have accomplished together!" The farmer says, "Yes, Reverend, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it, ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?’"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

That's it for today, my little pumpkin pies. Remember, where there's a will, make sure you're in it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !