Overhyped 2015 Grammy Awards

I didn't watch the Grammys, I did see some news coverage. Mostly things I already knew and other things that I don't care about......like seeing people in designer outfits they've never heard of and can't pronounce, lip-synching songs to an overdone production and the class idiot Kanye West.

As a singer-musician, I understand the lip-synching and prerecorded stuff for television. Too many things can go wrong to take a chance. There are many singers and musicians that I admire, but I can always see then on YouTube. So, I'm left listening to boring acceptance speeches.

Sam Smith

Newcomer Sam Smith took home top honors for Record of the Year and Song of the Year ("Stay With Me - Darkchild Version"), Best New Artist and Best Pop Vocal Album ( "In The Lonely Hour").

The Grammy for Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album went to the ageless Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga ("Cheek To Cheek") and Album of the Year went to Beck ("Morning Phase").

From the Grammy reviews, I'm glad I watched reruns of The Big Bang Theory.....
 

The News As I See It: 51 years ago the Beatles made their first appearance in the Ed Sullivan Theater. Now you get the David Letterman show. If you remember the Beatles, then you should ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.

The only good thing to know about Charles Manson is he's in prison for the rest of his life. He was going to get married. Well, guess what? The marriage has been called off. Well, what happened? The bride finally Googled him. Manson decided he wasn't ready to get married after talking it over with the voices in his head.

This Date In History: 1861; Jefferson Davis was chosen as the president of the Confederate States of America. 1943; The battle of Guadalcanal ended with an American victory.

1950; Senator Joseph McCarthy claimed he had evidence there were card-carrying members of the Communist Party in the State Department. 1964; The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show.

1991; Lithuanians voted overwhelmingly for independence from the Soviet Union. 2001; A U.S. nuclear sub struck the Ehime Maru, a Japanese fishing boat.

Picture Of The Day: 56 year-old Madonna keeps reinventing herself and looked great.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) With a stolen credit card, who wouldn't go straight to Wendy's to get 2 Double Stacks and a small Sprite? Thanks for asking for ID, lady. 2) My neighbor called my cat fat the other day. It took me two hours to convince my cat that she just had thick fur. 3) Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

4) Men who dislike waking up at the crack of Dawn usually regret drunk dialing Dawn the night before.  5) I accidentally pushed my cat off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now she's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song......and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 9th: Only love can break your heart, but trans-fatty acids will take a damn good shot at it. Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year so try to put aside a little for tomorrow.....tomorrow meaning the future, not the party on Wednesday at Shorty's Bar and Grill.

Birthdays: William Henry Harrison, 9th President of the United States 1773, Amy Lowell, poet 1874, Dean Rusk, secretary of state 1909, Carmen Miranda. actress 1909, J. M. Coetzee, novelist 1940, Carole King. pop singer, songwriter 1942, Joe Pesci, actor 1943, Alice Walker, author 1944, Mia Farrow, actress 1945.

Some of the ladies of the Grammys

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"

The abbot's forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.''

The man said, "I see. Whose clock is that?'' St. Peter said, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.''

The man said, "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.''

The man then asked, "Where's Obama 's clock?" St. Peter said, "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Some women were gathered and the subject of the conversation turned to sex and then birth control. The first woman says, "We're Catholic, so we can't use it." The next woman says, "I am too, but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says, "We use the bucket and saucer method."

The others asked, "What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?" The woman replied, "Well, I'm five foot eleven and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket and when his eyes get big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do." The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "This kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

That's it for today, my little mom and popsicles. Remember, the Swiss were never overly concerned about war. They included a corkscrew in their army knife.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

From The Organization That Gave Us MSNBC

Everybody's fish gets a bit larger when recanting stories, especially as we age. However, if one's fishing mates were on the same trip, perhaps it's best to save "the big one" story for another day. Such is the advice to which NBC's Brian Williams should have subscribed.

Williams found his credibility seriously threatened because he claimed - falsely - that he had been in a helicopter hit by a grenade during the Iraq war. NBC News officials would not say whether their top on-air personality would face disciplinary action. The "Nightly News" anchor for just over a decade, Williams had become an online punching bag overnight.

Tweets with the hashtag #BrianWilliamsMemories joked that he blew up the Death Star, saved someone from a polar bear and flew with Wonder Woman in her invisible helicopter. Photoshopped pictures showed Williams reporting from the moon and riding shotgun with O.J. Simpson in his Ford Bronco.

Democratic Senator Richard Blumenthal said he served in Vietnam. He didn’t. Hillary Clinton claimed she was under sniper fire in Bosnia. She wasn’t. But they're politicians and it's easy to tell when they lie because their lips move.

Last Friday “NBC Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams said that while covering Iraq in 2003 his helicopter was “forced down after being hit by an RPG.” It wasn’t. Williams blames his lie to an unfortunate case of “misremembering” though Williams has “misremembered” the incident several times during the past dozen years.

The NBC anchor got busted because those who were there finally got tired of his BS. Williams’ Chinook landed about an hour after three other U.S. helicopters were truly under attack. So why has the NBC crew with Williams been silent all of these years?

Not surprising, this is the same network that rigged a fiery GM pickup truck crash, edited the George Zimmerman 911 call and gave race baiter and functional illiterate Al Sharpton his own show. Glory seekers like Blumenthal, Clinton and now Williams dishonor the sacrifice of those who have actually served.

The News As I See It: Over 100 Native American tribes have expressed interest in growing marijuana. This is according to Native American spokesman "Relaxing Eagle."

Scientists have discovered that a 5,000-year-old mummy is covered with at least 60 tattoos. Scientists are calling him the earliest known member of the NBA. Can you spell redundant?

Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut.

I read that drinking whiskey can cure a cold. See? Told ya'! I've been fighting colds in AREA 51 for years and all of you thought I was just a lounge lizard.

Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying.

Girl Scout Cookie season goes until March. What are the ethics of setting your daughter up to sell cookies outside a medical marijuana store?

At this year's National Prayer Breakfast, Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Hmmm.....sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama, especially after the annointed one compared ISIS to the Crusades.

Green Bay Packers defensive tackle Letroy Guion was arrested this week with 357 grams of marijuana, an unloaded gun, and nearly $200,000 in cash in his car during a traffic stop. And you know what that means — the NFL offseason has officially begun.

This Date In History: 1788; Massachusetts ratified the U.S. Constitution, becoming the sixth state to join the Union. 1804; Joseph Priestley, British chemist, died. His work on the isolation of gases led him to discover oxygen in 1774.

1899; The Spanish-American War ended when a peace treaty between Spain and the United States was signed. 1933; The 20th Amendment to the Constitution, which set the date for the president's inauguration on January 20th, was adopted.

1935; The popular board game Monopoly® went on sale for the first time. 1952; Princess Elizabeth became Queen Elizabeth II of Great Britain. 1971; Astronaut Alan B. Shepard hit a golf ball and Edgar Mitchell threw a "javelin" on the moon. They landed in the same crater and remain on the Moon today.

2001; Ariel Sharon was elected prime minister of Israel. 2012; The Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II marked the 60th anniversary of her accession to the throne.

Picture Of The Day: If you were on a helicopter that got shot out of the sky, would you remember it? What if you were on a different helicopter; would you forget that you were on the aircraft that did not? Brian Williams, anchor of NBC Nightly News, confessed Wednesay that a story he has often repeated about being on board an aircraft that came under RPG fire was inaccurate.

Williams was not actually on that helicopter; he was on an aircraft trailing about an hour behind that helicopter. Lance Reynolds, the flight engineer on the helicopter that did experience the attack, addressed Williams’ story on Facebook: “Sorry dude, I don’t remember you being on my aircraft. I do remember you walking up about an hour after we had landed to ask me what had happened.”

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the "World's Strongest Man" events should be pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together. 2) Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you. 3) Friend: "Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?" Me: "I'll need a screwdriver." Friend: "Sure what type?" Me: "Smirnoff." 4) I missed my turn into my driveway yesterday and ended up at the local AREA 51 bar a few blocks over. 5) There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 6th: Itching may be a sign of bad things to come. Watch out for overweight dogs when it's raining. If find yourself speaking in different languages while smoking weed, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.

Birthdays: Aaron Burr, political leader 1756, Jeb Stuart, cavalry commander 1833, Babe Ruth, baseball player 1895, Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States 1911, Mary Douglas Leakey, archaeologist 1913, Zsa Zsa Gabor, actress 1917, François Truffaut, film director and critic 1932, Bob Marley, reggae singer 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice.

She says, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?" She replies, "That was my husband, telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."

Bald eagles mate for life. In an aerial courtship, the pair soars thousands of feet into the sky, interlock talons and perform the mating act while rapidly plummeting toward the ground in a series of somersaults.

I don't know much about eagle personalities, but if I were a female eagle and I looked down to see I was only 500 feet away crashing on jagged rocks and certain death, I think I'd fake an orgasm.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired at a Sydney construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells..."Supplies!!!"

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, "Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim." The Nun replied, "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

The Father said, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" The Nun replied, "Anything, Father."

The Priest said, "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." The Nun replied, "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty" The Priest said, "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

The Nun then said, "Father, could I ask something of you?" The Father replied, "Yes, Sister?" The Nun said, "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" The Priest replied. "I suppose that would be okay."

The Priest lifted his robe. The Nun said. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection." The Priest said, "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

The Nun replied, "Is that true Father?" The Priest answered, "Yes, it is, Sister." The Nun said, "Oh Father, that's wonderful. Stick it in the camel's ass and let's get the hell out of here!"

That's it for today, my little cocoa nuts. Remember, 40 percent of divorces stem from money issues, 40 percent are caused by infidelity and the remaining 20 percent have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.  I'm gonna slide over to AREA 51 for happy hour

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Started Out As A Child

When I was a child and went somewhere with my Mother, my instructions were, 1) Hold firmly to my mother's dress. 2) Hold Brother Kirt's hand, and 3) Do not ask for anything. Violation of these rules was not a good idea.

Apparently, rules of this nature have not passed down to the current generation. While grocery shopping at Publix last week, there was one particular family that really should have practiced safe sex.

It is safe to assume that any family can occasionally lose control of the brood and I am sure that we kids must have strayed at least once......once! That was all it took for me. I got spanked right there in the store and my only request was that Mom did not tell Dad. But, I digress.....

Returning to Publix, the neanderthal family consisting of Big Mama and her litter of three, were raising hell. One child (apparently the oldest) kept screaming that he wanted a Snickers Bar. Big Mama, cell phone deeply embedded up her ass, was yacking away, ignoring the little screamer.

After about the fifth scream, I opened a Snickers Bar, and in a moment of kindness, ate the Snickers Bar right in front of the little bastard. Feeling good about myself, I then opened a bag of Bite Size Snickers, gave one to each kid and dropped the open bag into Big Mama's cart. 

You see, I don't mind your bad kids running around and screaming if you don't mind me tripping them and putting extra candy in your un-attended cart.....

Don't ask a question unless you can stand the answer: Oliver North was asked why he thought Obama, Biden, Kerry or Holder didn't attend the unity rally in Paris. He said, "Because it was for world leaders."

Alcee Hastings

Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) unequivocally declared Monday that Texas is a "crazy state" he never wants to live in, infuriating a Texas lawmaker. Tensions flared between Hastings and Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas) during a House Rules Committee meeting to prepare a bill slated for a floor vote Tuesday to repeal ObamaCare.

Hastings showed disdain for Texas during a discussion about states' implementation of the 2010 healthcare overhaul and decisions over whether or not to participate in the exchanges. Hastings told Burgess, "I don't know about in your state, which I think is a crazy state to begin with."

Burgess immediately took offense. "The gentleman made a very defamatory statement about my state, and I will not stand here and listen to it. As a member of Congress, I'm used to attacks and invective being tossed my way. That's part of the territory. But there is no reason at all to impugn the people, the governor of a state of this country. And I will await the gentleman's apology."

But Hastings refused to shy away from his comments and made it clear he won't apologize. "Well fine, then you don't have to listen. You can leave if you choose. I told you what I think about Texas. I wouldn't live there for all the tea in China. And that's how I feel."

Hastings said, "You will wait until hell freezes over for me to say anything in an apology. I would apologize to you if I was directing my comments to you. I was commenting about the state that you happen to be a resident of. So I will not apologize."

Alcee Hastings is the U.S. Representative for Florida's 20th congressional district, serving in Congress since 1993. He is a member of the Democratic Party. He served as a Judge on the United States District Court for the Southern District of Florida from 1979 until his impeachment and removal from that post in 1989. He is one of only eight federal officials in American history to be impeached and removed from office.

Number 1 in nepotism - In 2012 Hastings was ranked No. 1 out of 435 members of the U.S. House of Representatives for paying salaries and fees to family members. A 300-page report published by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington found that Hastings paid his girlfriend $622,574 over the four-year period 2007-2010.

The News As I See It: I think the Seattle Seahawks should have given the ball to Marshawn Lynch instead of passing. Hell, even Katy Perry could have run it in for a touchdown.

In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires. I guess we'll have to sit through this whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated.

Boston postponed a victory celebration for the New England Patriots due to a record-breaking winter storm. The storm was supposed to hit Seattle but at the last second New England jumped in the way.

Kim Kardashian said during a Q&A yesterday that she'd like to take a selfie with Jesus. I think most people would agree that Jesus has suffered enough.

Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. His marriage license is expiring this week, which means that he will have to reapply if he still wants to marry his girlfriend. Today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.

This Date In History: 1783; England proclaimed the formal end to the hostilities with the United States. 1787; Shays's Rebellion, an uprising of Massachusetts farmers, was defeated. 1789; George Washington and John Adams are elected the president and vice president of the United States.

1861; Delegates from six southern states met at Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America. 1945; Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference. 1948; Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) gained independence from the United Kingdom.

1969; The Palestine National Congress appointed Yasir Arafat head of the Palestine Liberation Organization. 1974; Patricia Hearst, granddaughter of newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst, was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

1976; Benjamin Britten, British composer, died. 2003; The country of Yugoslavia disappeared, to be replaced by the loose federation of Serbia and Montenegro.

Picture Of The Day: I must apologize to my northern neighbors, but with all the news about blizzards, I just couldn't resist this one.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a woman says, "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds. 2) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels. 3) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I reply with, "I assume this concludes our business transaction." 4) One day I'll look up from my cell phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home. 5) My friend's son asked what it is like to be married, so he deleted all the music on his son's ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 4th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're eating cookies.

Birthdays: Tadeusz Kosciusko, general 1746, Fernand Léger, painter 1881, Charles Lindbergh, American aviator 1902, Clyde William Tombaugh, astronomer 1906, Rosa Parks, civil rights activist 1913, Betty Friedan, feminist 1921, George Romero, filmmaker 1939, Dan Quayle, Vice President 1947, Oscar De La Hoya, boxer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

Barack Obama walked into a New York bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The parrot answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

Old pals

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

That's it for today, my little mockingbirds. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

He Called A Pass ?

Punxsutawney Phil, Pennsylvania's most famous groundhog, has forecast six more weeks of winter. Then again, Phil also forecast that the Seattle Seahawks would win the Super Bowl in the waning minutes of the game. For Seattle Coach Pete Carrol, winter may last for years.

In a relatively close game, Seattle was leading 24-10 early in the fourth quarter when New England scored. With 2:02 left in the game, Brady gave his team a 28–24 lead with a 3-yard touchdown toss to Edelman.

After a touchback gave Seattle the ball on their 20, Wilson started off the Seahawks drive with a 31-yard completion to Lynch. Then after two incompletions, he picked up another first down with an 11-yard pass to Lockette. The following play gave Seattle a golden opportunity to win the game.

Wilson threw a deep pass down the right sideline to Kearse, who was covered by reserve rookie cornerback Malcolm Butler. Both players dove through the air for the ball and Butler managed to deflect it with one hand. But the pass fell right into the hands of Kearse, who tipped it to himself and caught the ball while he was lying on his back.

Butler managed to recognize the catch and recover in time to shove Kearse out of bounds as he got up, preventing a Seattle touchdown. But the play netted 33 yards and gave the Seahawks a first down at the Patriots 5-yard line with 1:05 left in regulation.

All probabilities indicated that, with little more than a minute to go and first and ten, Seattle coach Pete Carrol would run Marshawn Lynch up the middle.....one would think. Instead Carrol chose to throw a slant pass which was intercepted, thereby sealing both a 28-24 defeat and their place in professional football infamy.

The News As I See It: Obama said the small drone that recently flew over the White House fence could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

The Apple iPad just turned five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

This Date In History: 1536; The city of Buenos Aires, Argentina, was founded by Spanish conquistador Pedro de Mendoza. 1709; Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk, the inspiration for Daniel Defoe's Robinson Crusoe, was rescued after four years alone on an island off the coast of Chile.

1848; The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, ending the Mexican War, was signed. In the treaty, Mexico ceded to the United States a huge portion of what is today the American West and Southwest, including California and New Mexico.

1870; The Cardiff Giant was revealed to be a hoax. 1876; The National League of Professional Baseball Clubs was formed. 1887; The first gathering at Gobbler's Knob in Punxsatawney, Pa. to wait for the groundhog's shadow occurred.

1922; James Joyce's Ulysses was published. 1943; Nazi troops surrendered in the World War II Battle of Stalingrad. 1971 Idi Amin became dictator of Uganda. 1980; The Abscam scandal was revealed.

1990; South African President F. W. de Klerk lifted a ban on the African National Congress and promised to free Nelson Mandela. 2003; Czech Republic President Vaclav Havel stepped down after 13 years.

Picture Of The Day: Punxsutawney Phil has evidently seen his shadow and as legend has it, there will be six more weeks of winter.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you ask me where your glasses are and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever. 2) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 years in a condominium? 3) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 4) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 5) I once dated a girl who I felt had ulterior motives. I'm not saying she was a gold digger, but she had a helmet with a flashlight on it and a pick axe.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 2nd: Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. "Head Lice!" is not something to be screamed in terror at the local bus stop. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it.

When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.

Birthdays: Talleyrand, statesman and diplomat 1754, Albert Sidney Johnston, general 1803, James Joyce, Irish novelist 1882, George Halas, football pioneer 1895, Jascha Heifetz, violinist 1901, Ayn Rand, writer 1905, Abba Eban, statesman 1915, James Dickey, poet and novelist 1923, Stan Getz, saxophonist 1927, Farrah Fawcet, actress 1947, Christie Brinkley, model 1954, Shakira, singer, songwriter 1977.

I've got to lie for two more years?

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit. When she knocks on the door, she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked.

She asks, "What are you doing?" The daughter replies, "Mom, it's my love dress!! Don't you like it?" Her Mom replies, "I'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over."

When she goes back, she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked. "Now what are you doing?" "Mom, it's my love dress. It keeps the marriage spicy!"

Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself. When her husband comes home, he gives the same reaction, "Honey, what are you doing?" She give him the same answer her daughter gave her, "It's my love dress! What do you think of it?"

Her husband thinks long and hard and says, "I think you should have ironed it."

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

He's Got Two More Years?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda from Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

The police department in the small town of Columbus, Nebraska reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway 30 bridge.

The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Central City.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. So you see, police do care.

In January of this year, police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.

Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said, "We're all shocked! We never knew we had a library."

Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?"

Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, to err is human, to eh is Canadian.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !