I Started Out As A Child

When I was a child and went somewhere with my Mother, my instructions were, 1) Hold firmly to my mother's dress. 2) Hold Brother Kirt's hand, and 3) Do not ask for anything. Violation of these rules was not a good idea.

Apparently, rules of this nature have not passed down to the current generation. While grocery shopping at Publix last week, there was one particular family that really should have practiced safe sex.

It is safe to assume that any family can occasionally lose control of the brood and I am sure that we kids must have strayed at least once......once! That was all it took for me. I got spanked right there in the store and my only request was that Mom did not tell Dad. But, I digress.....

Returning to Publix, the neanderthal family consisting of Big Mama and her litter of three, were raising hell. One child (apparently the oldest) kept screaming that he wanted a Snickers Bar. Big Mama, cell phone deeply embedded up her ass, was yacking away, ignoring the little screamer.

After about the fifth scream, I opened a Snickers Bar, and in a moment of kindness, ate the Snickers Bar right in front of the little bastard. Feeling good about myself, I then opened a bag of Bite Size Snickers, gave one to each kid and dropped the open bag into Big Mama's cart. 

You see, I don't mind your bad kids running around and screaming if you don't mind me tripping them and putting extra candy in your un-attended cart.....

Don't ask a question unless you can stand the answer: Oliver North was asked why he thought Obama, Biden, Kerry or Holder didn't attend the unity rally in Paris. He said, "Because it was for world leaders."

Alcee Hastings

Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) unequivocally declared Monday that Texas is a "crazy state" he never wants to live in, infuriating a Texas lawmaker. Tensions flared between Hastings and Rep. Michael Burgess (R-Texas) during a House Rules Committee meeting to prepare a bill slated for a floor vote Tuesday to repeal ObamaCare.

Hastings showed disdain for Texas during a discussion about states' implementation of the 2010 healthcare overhaul and decisions over whether or not to participate in the exchanges. Hastings told Burgess, "I don't know about in your state, which I think is a crazy state to begin with."

Burgess immediately took offense. "The gentleman made a very defamatory statement about my state, and I will not stand here and listen to it. As a member of Congress, I'm used to attacks and invective being tossed my way. That's part of the territory. But there is no reason at all to impugn the people, the governor of a state of this country. And I will await the gentleman's apology."

But Hastings refused to shy away from his comments and made it clear he won't apologize. "Well fine, then you don't have to listen. You can leave if you choose. I told you what I think about Texas. I wouldn't live there for all the tea in China. And that's how I feel."

Hastings said, "You will wait until hell freezes over for me to say anything in an apology. I would apologize to you if I was directing my comments to you. I was commenting about the state that you happen to be a resident of. So I will not apologize."

Alcee Hastings is the U.S. Representative for Florida's 20th congressional district, serving in Congress since 1993. He is a member of the Democratic Party. He served as a Judge on the United States District Court for the Southern District of Florida from 1979 until his impeachment and removal from that post in 1989. He is one of only eight federal officials in American history to be impeached and removed from office.

Number 1 in nepotism - In 2012 Hastings was ranked No. 1 out of 435 members of the U.S. House of Representatives for paying salaries and fees to family members. A 300-page report published by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington found that Hastings paid his girlfriend $622,574 over the four-year period 2007-2010.

The News As I See It: I think the Seattle Seahawks should have given the ball to Marshawn Lynch instead of passing. Hell, even Katy Perry could have run it in for a touchdown.

In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires. I guess we'll have to sit through this whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated.

Boston postponed a victory celebration for the New England Patriots due to a record-breaking winter storm. The storm was supposed to hit Seattle but at the last second New England jumped in the way.

Kim Kardashian said during a Q&A yesterday that she'd like to take a selfie with Jesus. I think most people would agree that Jesus has suffered enough.

Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. His marriage license is expiring this week, which means that he will have to reapply if he still wants to marry his girlfriend. Today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.

This Date In History: 1783; England proclaimed the formal end to the hostilities with the United States. 1787; Shays's Rebellion, an uprising of Massachusetts farmers, was defeated. 1789; George Washington and John Adams are elected the president and vice president of the United States.

1861; Delegates from six southern states met at Montgomery, Alabama, to form the Confederate States of America. 1945; Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin met at the Yalta Conference. 1948; Ceylon (now Sri Lanka) gained independence from the United Kingdom.

1969; The Palestine National Congress appointed Yasir Arafat head of the Palestine Liberation Organization. 1974; Patricia Hearst, granddaughter of newspaper mogul William Randolph Hearst, was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army.

1976; Benjamin Britten, British composer, died. 2003; The country of Yugoslavia disappeared, to be replaced by the loose federation of Serbia and Montenegro.

Picture Of The Day: I must apologize to my northern neighbors, but with all the news about blizzards, I just couldn't resist this one.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a woman says, "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds. 2) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels. 3) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I reply with, "I assume this concludes our business transaction." 4) One day I'll look up from my cell phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home. 5) My friend's son asked what it is like to be married, so he deleted all the music on his son's ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 4th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're eating cookies.

Birthdays: Tadeusz Kosciusko, general 1746, Fernand Léger, painter 1881, Charles Lindbergh, American aviator 1902, Clyde William Tombaugh, astronomer 1906, Rosa Parks, civil rights activist 1913, Betty Friedan, feminist 1921, George Romero, filmmaker 1939, Dan Quayle, Vice President 1947, Oscar De La Hoya, boxer 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

Barack Obama walked into a New York bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's cool ! Where did you get it?" The parrot answers, "In Chicago, there's thousands of them up there."

Old pals

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Jack for his contribution to today's stories.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Sarah" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

That's it for today, my little mockingbirds. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !