There is absolutely no reason why the United States should accept refugees from any country before she takes care of America's Veterans and completely reforms the mismanaged and corrupt VA Administration.
There are too many men and women who served their country who are not receiving the care they deserve. The government has done nothing of merit to correct this situation, yet they can find money and benefits for illegal aliens and refugees from questionable countries.
Today we thank and salute the men and women of the armed forces, both past and present, for their service and pray for the soldiers who never made it home.
The News As I See It: Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. He’s obviously new to Facebook. Everyone lies just like he does.
A county in Colorado voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. You can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it pays for 11 years of college.
I'm getting bored with the democrat and republican debates. I'd like to see them have a drunk debate. Everyone gets loaded and we find out what they really think about things.
This Date In History: 1620;
The Mayflower Compact was signed by Pilgrims aboard the Mayflower. It would provide the basis for all governments of the American colonies. 1889;
Washington became the 42nd state.
1918;
The Allies and Germany signed an armistice ending World War I.
1921;
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier was dedicated in Arlington National Cemetery.
1965;
Rhodesia proclaimed its independence from Britain.
1992;
The Church of England voted to ordain women as priests.
2004;
Yasir Arafat, chairman of the Palestine Liberation Organization, died in Paris. Mahmoud Abbas was elected to take his place.
Picture Of The Day: There are the wounded and there are those who died. Remember them.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I no longer wear a turtleneck when I go to AREA 51 to party. I find it's too difficult to get up off of my back if I fall over.
2) The next time someone on a plane reclines their seat into your legs, pull them back even further and whisper in their ear, "Keep going." 3) Give me strength to change the things I can, grace to accept the things I cannot and a great big bag of money. 4) When my girlfriend wants my opinion, she'll give it to me. 5) The next time a bill collector calls, just give the phone to your toddler and tell her it's Barney.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France, then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. However, wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet! Your efforts today will likely be rewarded.
Birthdays: Maude Adams, actress 1872, George Patton, general 1885, Howard Fast, author 1914, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., science fiction writer 1922, Carlos Fuentes, writer, editor and diplomat 1928, LaVern Baker, singer 1929, Calista Flockhart, actress 1964, Leonardo DiCaprio, actor 1974.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50. She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap.
The shopkeeper said, "Well, to be honest, the bird's last owner was a madam at a whorehouse. He occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."
Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam." The woman thought, "That's not so bad."
A little while later, her daughters got home from school and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores." Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.
Later that evening, her husband Robert came home. The parrot said, "Hi Bobby!"
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
That's it for today, my little urchins. Remember, the best advice you can give to parents of young children is to show them before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say, "this girl didn't think she needed a nap either." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
I love Pepperidge Farms Double Dark Chocolate Nantucket cookies. The last two times I was at Publix, they were out of stock. So, today, I bought two packages and took the remaining eight packages and hid them. Too Far? I think not!
Nantucket cookies rank second only to Haagen Dazs ice cream and when I want them, they'd better be there. Every other Pepperidge Farm cookie flavor known to mankind is always in stock, but Nantucket.....Nooooooo!
It's like the supplier must know that's what I like and he tells his salesman, "Remember to shortchange Publix Store # XXXX on the Nantuckett cookies, 'cause that's where Jimmy shops.
I moved half of my cache behind a cobweb covered area of Asian Prune and liverwurst flavored cookies, which, incidentally, is always in stock. I moved the rest behind the diet cookie area. Judging from the clientele at that store, it will be safe there and I don't see a run on diet cookies.
Drastic measures? Perhaps, but have you ever had a desire for something, went to get it and when you got there, they were sold or out of stock? I know one thing, Next week, my cookies will be in stock.....!
The News As I See It: Donald Trump is starting to run some radio ads where he accuses politicians of being "all talk and no action." That's ironic since radio ads are literally all talk and no action. That's what radio is.
Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.
In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that will possibly prepare her to be president was scaling fish in Alaska. Bill, on the other hand, learned by catching crabs in Cancun.
This Date In History: 1888;
Jack the Ripper killed his last victim, Mary Jane Kelly.
1938;
Nazis burned and looted temples and Jewish-owned stores and houses in Germany and Austria in what became known as Kristallnacht (Crystal Night—referring to broken glass on streets).
1953;
Author-poet Dylan Thomas died in New York at age 39.
1965;
A switch at a station near Niagara Falls failed. The Northeast and parts of Canada went dark for more than 13 hours.
1970;
Former French president Charles De Gaulle died at age 79.
1989;
Borders between East and West Germany were opened and the Berlin Wall began to be dismantled the next day.
Picture Of The Day: Love those Calicos! (Click to enlarge)
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 2) Women who draw in their eyebrows are making a serious decision about what mood they're in for the rest of that day. 3) If your smart phone gets wet, put it in a bag of dry rice. Then at night, the rice will attract Asians and they will fix it for you. 4) I imagine the discovery of fruit went like this: "Ok, so far you've named the red one apple and the yellow one banana. What about the orange one?......Really? (sigh). 5) An obnoxious little brat was screaming in Publix today because his mom wouldn't buy him a Snickers bar. So, I bought one and ate it in front of him.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 11th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the love that you hold in your heart. This may cause your teeth to hurt as well. Spiders have feelings....an undeniable, but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes! Do not trust a naked bus driver!
Birthdays: Benjamin Banneker, mathematician, astronomer, surveyor 1731, Gail Borden, dairyman, surveyor and inventor 1801, Ivan Turgenev, novelist 1818, Stanford White, architect 1853, Anne Sexton, poet 1928, Carl Sagan, American astronomer and popularizer of science 1934, David Duval, golfer 1971.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked, "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd looked puzzled but agreed. Out of the blue, she blurts out, "57".
The shepherd was stunned but kept his word and allowed her to pick out a sheep.
She picked out the cutest one. He looked at her and said, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him."
The officer continued, "Then, I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me To Sunday-School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally.....I assumed you had stolen the car.''
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
The man replied, "Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" The policeman said, "No, you were driving splendidly. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."
That's it for today, my proud little peacocks. Remember ,avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. They may be in the middle of a race
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
Hussein O'Dumbass continues to screw up the country. His latest move was to reject the proposed Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, he refers to juvenile delinquents as "justice-involved youths". He'll soon refer to looters as "undocumented shoppers." Expect gun sales to rise.
Barry is also trying his best to close Guantanamo Bay and move the terrorist prisoners to America. He has intimated that if he cannot accomplish this with the current congress, he will use Executive Priveledge. What a guy, huh?
That's the norm from the government. It's when they publish news, usually bad or controversial, hoping less people will take notice. But the media and the American public are wise to that trick and await the Friday news dumps. It's like trying to sweep dirt under the rug.
In other news, a student who attacked four people at a University of California campus with a hunting knife similar to those used by ISIS terrorists in beheadings, was shot dead by police.
Merced County Sheriff Vern Warnke named the suspect as 18-year-old Faisal Mohammad, a freshman majoring in engineering and computer science. Warnke told a news conference that the Wednesday attack started in a classroom and evidence suggested it was personal and not terrorism.
Uh, if you buy that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you at a bargain price.
The News As I See It: In Ohio, people voted on a referendum which would have had to legalize marijuana in that state, but it did not pass. That's right, it remains illegal to get high in Ohio, which means there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game.
People are saying the initiative did not pass because it would have allowed giant corporations to control the marijuana industry. Which is a huge bummer, because I was really excited to buy pot from a place called Starblunts.
At least Ohio got legalization on the ballot. In Arkansas, a proposal to legalize marijuana was rejected because — and I’m not making this up — it had too many spelling and grammar errors. Hey Arkansas, way to live up to the stereotype!
In an interview, Donald Trump and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. CNN was like, "Guys, keep it down! You'll wake the viewers!"
This Date In History: 1860;
Abraham Lincoln was elected president of the United States.
1861;
Jefferson Davis was elected president of the Confederate States of America.
1869;
The first intercollegiate soccer game took place (Rutgers 6, Princeton 4).
1893;
Composer Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky died in St. Petersburg, Russia, at age 53.
1913;
Mohandas Gandhi led a march of miners in South Africa. He was arrested three times in the first four days of the march.
Picture Of The Day: So, what do we do with this?
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Life is better when you can share it with a friend who's just as sick and twisted as you.
2) My first wife wasn't a very good cook. She got a little better later on in life when she figured out that the smoke alarm wasn't a timer. 3) My friend met a Spanish girl and he's trying to learn Spanish. I asked him how long he's been at it and he said, "dos weekos." 4) I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was break dancing at my bank. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I asked, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 6th: Feel welcome to share your inner most secrets with your entire family and friends. They will adore you for your spectacular honesty and may only exclude you from certain holidays and special events.
Birthdays: John Philip Sousa, American Bandmaster and Composer 1854, James Naismith, inventor of basketball 1861, Thomas H. Ince, filmmaker 1882, Walter Johnson, baseball player 1887.
Harold W. Ross, editor 1892, James Jones, novelist 1921 Mike Nichols, actor and director 1931, Sally Field, actress 1946, Maria Shriver, TV newscaster 1955, Ethan Hawke, actor 1970.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A school sponsored a luncheon for senior citizens and a letter was sent to
the Principal's office afterwards. An elderly lady had won a new radio as a door
prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind, especially if you are familiar with the elderly.
Dear Kean Elementary:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at
your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all
alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God
bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke
into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress
over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of
answering my prayers.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
told her to kiss my ass.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes
A local man was found murdered in his home in California over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes and the deceased had a banana protruding from his ass. Police suspect a cereal killer.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A customer asked the clerk, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
He continued, "If I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Smelling of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window, handed it to the bartender and said, "I'd like to apply for the job."
He continued, "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in 'Nam, but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at Officer's Club happy-hour, so here I am."
The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try?
The seedy fighter-jockey staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.
What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. ''It's called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You' "he said. After a long drink from the beer, leaving it empty, he added, "I wrote it myself."
The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light Up."
He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song,"Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", then he excused himself and headed for the bathroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, fly boy, the job is yours -- but, do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" The old fighter pilot replied, "Know it? Hell, I wrote it!"
That's it for today, my little bunny rabbits. Remember, a true dilemma is when your fifteen-year-old daughter brings home a guy with a rainbow colored Mohawk hairdo, but your garden is already completely full of corpses. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
If you go to the kitchen for something and you have no idea why you're there, pretend to know exactly what you came for and grab anything. Your mind will get so pissed, it will tell you why you're there. Take your car keys out of the refrigerator while you're at it.
Don't get angry when this happens. Anyone can forget why they're in a certain part of the house now and then, but not too many people can remember the words to every song from the '50s' 60's, '70's and '80's.
Since you're up, you might as well take a pee while you're there. You know you'll have to go the moment you sit down in your chair, anyway. Learn to multi-task. You might as well laugh, cough, sneeze, pee and fart at the same time.
There is nothing wrong with talking to yourself. It's even better if you answer your own questions. I've had some great conversations and I found that when I need advice, I'm the only one that I can trust.
It's not important where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Just remember the group of old men that were sitting on benches at the mall the last time you had to go.
Don't be offended if you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police. It's bad enough that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Sure, your older, you're half blind and take 5 different medications that make you dizzy. You have poor circulation and can’t remember how old you are, but thank God you still have your driver’s licence.....
Just in case you haven't heard, the lying, thieving bastards who are running this country paid $42 million dollars for a gas station in Afghanistan. $42 million! Someone probably should have told them that the compressed-natural gas station has virtually no value to average Afghans as converting a car to compressed natural gas costs $700 in Afghanistan. The average annual income there is $690. And these assholes wonder why no one trusts the government.....
The News As I See It: Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to Disneyworld and since the Mets lost, they'll get to meet Obama.
At the New York City marathon, the winner of the men's race was a truck driver from Fort Worth named Jeff Stubble. Just kidding. It was a Kenyan.
An Ashley Madison user is suing the adultery website for falsely advertising a higher number of female users than it truly had. And if you can’t trust a website that helps you secretly cheat on your spouse, who can you trust?
This Date In History: 1842;
Abraham Lincoln married Mary Todd in Springfield, Ill.
1880;
James and John Ritty of Dayton, Ohio, patented the first cash register.
1922;
Howard Carter discovered the tomb of Tutankhamen in Egypt.
1924;
Nellie T. Ross of Wyoming was elected the nation's first woman governor, to serve out the term of her husband who died in office.
1956;
Russian troops attacked Budapest and crushed the Hungarian revolt under Premier Imre Nagy.
1979;
The American embassy in Tehran, Iran, was seized by militants and 90 Americans were taken hostage.
1995;
Israeli Prime Minister, and Nobel Laureate, Yitzhak Rabin, was assassinated by a right-wing Israeli.
2008;
Democratic senator Barack Obama wins the presidential election against Sen. John McCain, taking 338 electoral votes to McCain's 161. Obama makes history as the first African American U.S. president.
Picture Of The Day: It runs in the family.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear. 2) When I was a kid, we didn't get a "time out." We had what we called, "Time's up" and then we got our ass kicked. 3) Children can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel. 4) I was once pulled over for drinking while driving. I accused them of "profiling" but, as it turned out, they were stopping every car driving down that particular sidewalk. 5) If I'm ever missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle, not a milk carton. This way, my friends will know I'm missing.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 4th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.
Birthdays: Will Rogers
actor, humorist 1879, Harry George Ferguson, inventor 1884, Walter Cronkite, news broadcaster 1916, Art Carney, actor 1918, Loretta Swit, actress 1937, Laura Bush, First Lady 1946, Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969,
Matthew McConaughey, actor 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "I do?"
Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
A man and his wife were hiking when a large brown bear came charging out of nowhere. Evidently it was a female because they had noticed two cubs earlier in the hike. Fortunately the man had a small jetfire pistol which may have saved his life.
Just one round to his wife's kneecap and that was all it took. The bear got his wife and he was able to escape by briskly walking away. He tearfully said it was of the best firearms in his collection.
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded "yes".
The coach said, "so, I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded "yes" again.
The coach went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass or shithead' is it?" The little boy shook his head "No".
The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
That's it for today, my little armadillos. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Fruday.
Stay Tuned !
Currently expecting a baby and working on a name? Take this into consideration: 1) Google the name first, thus eliminating coming up with names like Fellatio Jones. 2) Refrain from making up your own names. 3) Spell it correctly. These kids will need a job someday.
Some parents just don't seem to have an imagination and thusly, we have people named Johnny Johnson, Tommy Thompson and Willie Williams.
Bad spellers have come up with some beauties, as well. An old Army buddy and rather intelligent man spelled his son's name "Eon". I asked him if he meant "Ian" and he said he liked the spelling as it was. I didn't have the heart to tell him that, in astrolgy, an "eon" is one billion years.
Back in the day, a lot of people picked their children's names from the bible, but I'd be reluctant to name a child Judas or Jezebel.
But, every parent has the right to come up with their own names as did my Aunt and Uncle. I always look forward to seeing my cousins, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin.....
The News As I See It: Star Wars creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago and if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex.
This Date In History: 1889;
North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states, respectively.
1947;
Howard Hughes flew the Spruce Goose on its first and only flight.
1948;
Harry S. Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey to the surprise of pollsters and newspapers, in the greatest presidential upset in history.
1959;
Twenty-One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.
1976;
Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford, becoming the first U.S. president from the deep South since the Civil War.
1984;
Velma Margie Barfield, a convicted murderer became the first woman to be executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976.
2003;
V. Gene Robinson was consecrated as bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church, becoming the first openly gay bishop in the church.
Picture Of The Day: Prejudice
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a kid, I suffered from depression. My teacher suggested that my father take me to the zoo. He did, but I found my way home.
2) The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef. 3) I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. 4) Winter in Miami last year was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 5) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 2nd: Today will start slow, but most Mondays do anyway, so no worries. Cloudy skies will clear and the stars will come out. The moon, like a testicle, hangs low. Signs point toward a great evening and the chance of romance is 72.37 percent.
Birthdays: Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin, painter 1699, George Boole, mathematician 1734, Daniel Boone, frontiersman 1734, Marie Antoinette, queen of France 1755, James Polk, 11th President of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding, 29th President of the United States 1865, Carlos Bulosan, writer 1911, Burt Lancaster, actor 1913, K.D. Lang, singer 1961.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."
The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"
Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."
Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed.
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
That's it for today, my little lily pads. Remember, if you see me running, you'd better join me because it’s just something I don’t do.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
