You're Going To Name Your Baby What ?

Currently expecting a baby and working on a name? Take this into consideration: 1) Google the name first, thus eliminating coming up with names like Fellatio Jones. 2) Refrain from making up your own names. 3) Spell it correctly. These kids will need a job someday.

Some parents just don't seem to have an imagination and thusly, we have people named Johnny Johnson, Tommy Thompson and Willie Williams.

Bad spellers have come up with some beauties, as well. An old Army buddy and rather intelligent man spelled his son's name "Eon". I asked him if he meant "Ian" and he said he liked the spelling as it was. I didn't have the heart to tell him that, in astrolgy, an "eon" is one billion years.

Back in the day, a lot of people picked their children's names from the bible, but I'd be reluctant to name a child Judas or Jezebel.

But, every parent has the right to come up with their own names as did my Aunt and Uncle. I always look forward to seeing my cousins, Rapunzel and Rumpelstiltskin.....

The News As I See It: Star Wars creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago and if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex.

This Date In History: 1889; North Dakota and South Dakota became the 39th and 40th states, respectively. 1947; Howard Hughes flew the Spruce Goose on its first and only flight.

1948; Harry S. Truman defeated Thomas E. Dewey to the surprise of pollsters and newspapers, in the greatest presidential upset in history. 1959; Twenty-One game show contestant Charles Van Doren admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

1976; Jimmy Carter defeated Gerald Ford, becoming the first U.S. president from the deep South since the Civil War. 1984; Velma Margie Barfield, a convicted murderer became the first woman to be executed since capital punishment was reinstated in 1976.

2003; V. Gene Robinson was consecrated as bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church, becoming the first openly gay bishop in the church.

Picture Of The Day: Prejudice

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was a kid, I suffered from depression. My teacher suggested that my father take me to the zoo. He did, but I found my way home. 2) The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef. 3) I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. 4) Winter in Miami last year was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that is a sign of global warming or Old Timer's disease. 5) I gave my girlfriend a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 2nd: Today will start slow, but most Mondays do anyway, so no worries. Cloudy skies will clear and the stars will come out. The moon, like a testicle, hangs low. Signs point toward a great evening and the chance of romance is 72.37 percent.

Birthdays: Jean-Baptiste-Simeon Chardin, painter 1699, George Boole, mathematician 1734, Daniel Boone, frontiersman 1734, Marie Antoinette, queen of France 1755, James Polk, 11th President of the United States 1795, Warren G. Harding,  29th President of the United States 1865, Carlos Bulosan, writer 1911, Burt Lancaster, actor 1913, K.D. Lang, singer 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

A young woman walked into the confessional and said to the priest, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." The priest replied, "Confess you sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest said,"Squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice."

The woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest answered, "No, but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!" The husband asked, "What the hell is Bell 4?" His wife replied, "Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!"

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates continued, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

That's it for today, my little lily pads. Remember, if you see me running, you'd better join me because it’s just something I don’t do.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Baby Names - Can They Get Any Weirder?

Every year I think baby names can’t get worse than last year's and then they do. One of the newest is Khaleesi. It's a made-up term from "Game of Thrones" and is now charting massively, to the tune of 146 baby girls in 2013.

It is not the worst name. That honor goes to Paisley. There are 2903 baby girl Paisleys wandering around. Paisley! This is like naming your child Terrible Tie Pattern or Ugly Scarf. Why would you wish this on your baby girl?

Some people just make up names because they like the sound or fit the trend. They usually make no sense, but then, consider the source. Shaniqua, Sha'Nay Nay, Barackisha, Kaneesha, Obamaniqua and Sasquatchia are a few that come to mind.

Back in the day, most names were taken from the Bible with some translated to fit other languages and dialects. Illiteracy and poor spelling produced variations of these names and lastly, of course, nicknames were spawned as well.

Every generation’s baby names has its "intellectuals" and quite often, their babies names are the refuse of literature. It is a tradition of long standing. For example, "Gone With the Wind” came out in 1936 as a book and 1939 as a movie. In 1936, Scarlett didn’t come up very often. There were Rhettas but no Rhetts.

By 1937 there were 7 little Scarletts. By 1940, a year after the movie, there were 59 Scarletts and 27 Rhetts. Both of those still make the chart. Maybe it’s not so bad. This is one of the major incentives to write fiction: to take up residency in the minds of others and to make your story a part of their stories.

Movies and movie stars have always been a source of names. Witness 2013's popular baby names including: Liam, Elizabeth, Noah, Olivia, Jacob, Logan, Mia and a host of others.

At least the namers are displaying some taste. Baby Anastasias stayed relatively stable in the years following the publication of "50 Shades of Grey" and the number of Baby Christians actually went down.

Theoretically, every parent should have the right to choose a name for their baby, but names like Johnny Johnson, Willie Williams, Tommy Thompson and I.P. Rainwater tend to make me believe that the parents may not be Mensa members.

Personally, I think there should be a law that requires every potential parent to Google their proposed baby's name before naming them. This might give the kid a fighting chance.

 

The News As I See It: They say Jesus had a wife. Maybe so, since he's not the first husband to get killed after drinking with 12 of his guy friends.

North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.

A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.

The Blood Moon is the second most impressive type of eclipse. Number one will always be a total eclipse of the heart.

In Afghanistan's early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles “Bonnie Prince Charlie” Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term "cold war” in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Tex., destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history. Fifteen others were wounded.

Picture Of The Day: If kids could talk at birth.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'd like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money today. I guess you don't see that many $20 bills. Glad you made sure it was legit. 2) My girlfriend sure is picky for someone who sleeps with me.  3) One of the showrooms at Ikea should be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 4) (Panty-less, waxed woman hanging off a bridge): "I'm gonna jump into that canoe." (Me): "No, that's your reflection." 5) The most awkward deathbed is probably a waterbed......"I love you."  *passes away*... *wobbles for two minutes*.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 16th: Drinking alcohol may well turn today into the worst possible tomorrow. Try to ensure that you go out tonight wearing the underwear with the really strong elastic.

Birthdays: My sweet Laury -Happy Birthday Baby ! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, airplane inventor 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez ,singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blond woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The blond replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A 72-year-old-man is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat one day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk.

He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class and right now!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."

The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."

With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

That's it for today, my little monkey shines. Remember, size does matter. No one likes a small pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !