Who Will Be The Nascar Champion This Weekend?

This weekend is the Nascar championships at Homestead-Miami Speedway with all three titles on the line. The four finalists racing for the crown are Kyle Bush, Jeff Gordon, Kevin Harvick and Martin Truax, all of whom can win the race.

The Xfinity championship race will be run on Saturday afternoon and the Camping World Truch championship will be decided later tonight.

For Nascar fans, this is not news, but for those of you who have never been to or seen a race, this weekend will be exciting.

For example, two of the favorites who were contending for the championship did not reach the final four due to on track wrecks in previous races, ostentibly caused by each other.

In the Texas race, Joey Logano (#22) was chasing Matt Kennseth (#20). Kennseth was blocking (which is legal) when Logano decided that he had enough and knocked Kennseth out of the race.

The following week, Kennseth had a racing crash with Logano team member Brad Kezelowski, thus eliminating any chance Kennseth had to earn enough points to continue in the championship.

After repairs to Matt Kenseth's car in the pits, Matt came back on the track and a few laps later, he put Joey Logano into the wall, paying him back for his actions at Texas and virtually eleminating Logano from the championship. Karma !

The News As I See It: In his recent interview with GQ, Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something.

Hillary Clinton recently decided to make her MySpace page "private" so people can no longer see some of her old campaign ads. When somebody told her she can just delete it, Hillary said, "I’m not fallin' for that again!"

Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for president. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even they didn't know he was running for president.

Bernie Sanders will deliver a speech tomorrow, which pundits say will seek to clarify his identity as a Democratic socialist. He’ll explain that "Democratic" means he believes everyone should have an equal say, and "socialist" means he’s not getting elected.

Radio Shack just announced they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday. Mostly because Radio Shack’s worried they won’t be around on Friday.

This Date In History: 1789; New Jersey became the first state to ratify the Bill of Rights. 1910; Francisco Madero began an armed revolt against the president of Mexico, Porfirio Diaz.

1945; The war crimes trials of 24 German World War II leaders began in Nuremberg, Germany. 1947; The future Queen Elizabeth II married Philip Mountbatten, Duke of Ediburgh.

1962; President John F. Kennedy agreed to lift the American blockade of Cuba, ending the Cuban missile crisis. 1975; Spain's General Francisco Franco died. 2000 Peru's president Alberto Fujimori resigned.

Picture Of The Day: The Sprint Cup Trophy will belong to one of the four contenders in Sunday's Championship race.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Every time my girlfriend stays over, we reenact the last scene from Titanic. She hogs the bed while I'm on the side hanging on for dear life. 2) It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee on parked car tires. 3) I read that four years after pregnancy, thirty-eight percent of all moms still were not drinking. I think it's safe to say this survey was not done on Facebook. 4) My girlfriend told me my analogies didn't make any sense. It made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator. 5) There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I replaced out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 20th: Be aware that all lines are not necessarily for amazingly happy things like roller coasters. Some are for terribly bad things like tax returns. So even though everyone appears to be in love with the same person and you see yourself as being at the back of that line, it might be a blessing.

Birthdays: Kenesaw Mountain Landis, jurist and commissioner of baseball 1866, Norman M. Thomas, socialist leader 1884, Edwin Hubble, astronomer 1889, Alexandra Danilova, ballerina, teacher 1903, Alistair Cooke, journalist, broadcaster 1908, Robert C Byrd, Senator 1917, Nadine Gordimer, writer 1923, Robert F. Kennedy, Former Attorney General 1925, Richard Dawson, actor 1932, John Bolton, American ambassador 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

After a week, she walks out of the hospital and is killed crossing the street by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years?!" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil. Satan asks, "Why so glum?" The guy says, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan says, "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here."

Satan says, "You a drinking man?" The guy says, "Sure, I love to drink." Satan says, "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, you name it. We drink until we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." The guy says,"That sounds great!"

Satan asks, "You a smoker?" The guy replies, "You better believe it." Satan says, "All right! You're gonna love Wednesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead." The guy says, "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan says, "I bet you like to gamble" The guy answers, "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "Good, because Thursdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow." The guy says, "Cool! I never realized Hell was such a great place!"

Satan asks, "Are you gay?" The guy replies, "No..." Satan says, "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were two brothers. One was very good and tried always to live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.

The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that He was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here, and I love it. But I don't understand."

He continued, "If my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment."

God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

A seven-year-old and a fuve-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old says, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing." The fuve-year-old nods his head in approval. The seven-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The five-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the six-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, then runs upstairs crying his eyes out, his mother in hot pursuit slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the five-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" The five-year-old blubbers, "I don't know, but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

That's it for today, my little eaglets. Remember, legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to shoot marsh mellows at the hoops. Personally, I'd preface that action by sending her a cocktail first. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

We Need Action, Not Rhetoric

Obama has lashed out at Republicans today, condescendingly stating, "Apparently they're scared of widows and orphans coming into America." Here's a thought, Hussein. Take in widow and orphan refugees and send men of fighting age back to the desert.

Mocking GOP leaders for thinking they're tough, Obama said. "Overblown rhetoric from Republicans could be a potent recruitment tool for the Islamic State group."  He insisted that the US process for screening refugees for possible entry into the US was rigorous and said the US didn't make good decisions "based on hysteria" or exaggerated risk.

Obama said, "We are not well served when in response to a terrorist attack we descend into fear and panic."

Obama's comments during a meeting with Filipino President Benigno Aquino marked his harshest condemnation yet of Republicans' response to the Paris attacks blamed on ISIS that killed 129 people last week.

Republicans and some democrats including Dianne Feinstein and Chuck Schumer, have urged an immediate closing of America's borders to Syrian refugees, but the Obama administration has shown no sign of backing off its plans to bring an additional 10,000 Syrians fleeing civil war into the US.

One would think that after accepting 30,000 Samalis into Minnesota and the cluster f*ck that has resulted, Obama would wise up. Then again, probably not.

Europe's open borders have resulted in large Muslim communities where even police hesitate to go into. Unless the United States takes preventative measures, the same thing will happen here.

In an Ancestry dot com commercial, Kyle Merkel said he grew up German, wore lederhosen and danced German dances. He took the Ancestry DNA test and it turned out he was Scottish. I'm curious as to what point in history did his family forget they were Scottish?

It could very well be that Angus McTavish, his great-great-great grandfather, was influenced by his great-great-great aunt and uncle, Adolf McTavish and Eva Braun McTavish.....

The News As I See It: Not that anyone seemed to notice but there was a Democratic debate on Saturday night. It was Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley, who is either a presidential candidate or an Irish pub where they all went to drink afterwards, I'm not sure.

After one of Google’s self driving cars was pulled over, the company released a statement touting that the cars have the human equivalent of 90 years behind the wheel. Which also explains why the left blinker was on for 17 miles.

This Date In History: 1820; Captain Nathaniel Palmer discovered Antarctica. 1883; Standard time began in the United States. 1886; Chester A. Arthur, the 21st president of the United States (1881–1885), died in New York at 56.

1928; Mickey Mouse made his debut in Steamboat Willie. 1976; Spain's parliament approved a bill to establish a democracy after 37 years of dictatorship.

1978; Jim Jones, a U.S. pastor, led 914 of his followers to their deaths at Jonestown, Guyana, by drinking a cyanide-laced fruit drink. Cult members who refused to swallow the drink were shot.

2003; The Massachusetts Supreme Court ruled 4-3 that the right to same sex marriage was guaranteed by the state constitution.

2004; The UN Security Council held a two-day session in Nairobi. This was the first time it had convened outside of New York headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: These animals need to be eliminated.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. 2) If I opened a restaurant, I'd call it, "I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?" 3) You can make fun of my pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire tonight. 4) I only have 3 months left on that mirror I broke in 2009. 5) I dropped off my mother-in-law at the airport. Her flight isn't until Saturday, but with security and all, it's best to play it safe.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 18th: Your appetite may increase today as doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation.

The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, stop wandering in the forests and try checking out the local bars.

Birthdays: Clarence S. Day, essayist 1874, Eugene Ormandy, conductor 1899, George Horace Gallup, originator of the Gallup poll 1901, Alan B. Shepard, astronaut 1923, Margaret Atwood, novelist and poet 1939, Wilma Mankiller, former chief of the Cherokee Nation 1945, Alan Moore, writer 1953, Owen Wilson, actor 1968, Chloë Sevigny, actress 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."

The woman said, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. The doctor asked, "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" The woman responded, "Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours. Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

The doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A farmer was driving along the road with a load of horse manure. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What’ve you got in your truck?" The farmer replied, "Manure."

The little boy asked, "What are you going to do with it?" The farmer answered, "Put it on strawberries." The little boy advised him, "You ought to live here. We put sugar and cream on ours."

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. The top of a long hill was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl,and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate and as he got closer, he saw a clerk at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" The clerk answered, "This is Heaven, sir."

The man exclaimed, "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" The clerk replied, "Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The clerk gestured and the gate began to open. The man gesturing toward his dog and asked, "Can my friend come in, too?" The clerk replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. He called to the man, "Excuse me! Do you have any water?" The man replied, "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." The traveler gestured to the dog and said, "How about my friend here?" The man said, "There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

The traveler asked, 'What do you call this place?" The man replied, "This is Heaven." The traveler said, "Well, that's confusing. The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

The man said, "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." The traveler inquired, "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" The man said, "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind......"

That's it for today, my little meadow larks. Remember, if you get a call from an unknown number, answer by whispering, "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!" I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

To Arms !

Paris residents and tourists were attacked Friday night by barbarian ISIS terrorists that left at least 128 dead and hundreds more wounded. Sunday night, French jets bombed ISIS targets the Syrian city of Raqqa.

The French Ministry of Defense said it targeted a command post and a terrorist training camp, dropping 20 bombs on ISIS’s de facto capital in Raqqa, Syria. The first target included a command post, jihadist recruiting center and a weapons warehouse.

Meanwhile, Obama, who announced the day before the Paris massacre that ISIS was being contained, spoke from the G-20 Summit in Turkey, where he rejected the idea that a large-scale deployment of American troops in Syria is the answer after the Paris terror attacks.

At one point, Obama called Friday's attacks a "setback" but touted the current strategy that is in place to combat ISIS in Syria. I wonder if Obama would have referred to the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor a "setback". 

The News As I See It: Last Saturday night was the second Democratic debate It was the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you're single and you have no money and it's raining and every movie theater is closed and you only get one channel.

The debate featured just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley. Or as viewers call them, "The Liar, The Socialist and The Bathroom Break.”

A pub in England that has 15 cats that just walk around, so you can play with them while you drink beer. Customers said it's really fun and cozy and the bar's owner has been dead upstairs for months.

This Date In History: 1864; General Sherman and his troops began their "March to the sea" during the Civil War. 1907; Oklahoma became the 46th state. 1933; The United States and the Soviet Union established diplomatic relations.

1973; President Nixon signed the bill authorizing the construction of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline. 2004; President George W. Bush nominated Condoleezza Rice to replace Colin Powell as secretary of state.

Picture Of The Day: Pray for the people of Paris.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend told me she had an epiphany last night. I told her, "I know and that wasn't even my 'A' game." 2) Adulthood is like a dog going to the Vet. We're like all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realized where we're going. 3) I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was the florist. 4) When I read about Adam and Eve eating the apple, I remember thinking, "Well, that's not really a sin, but at least it's original." 5) I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought, "These Taser guns are well worth the money.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 16th: Love can truly change your life for the better. However, the chances of this happening to you anytime before lunch tomorrow are remote, so go home and eat ice-cream until your brain freezes.

Birthdays: W. C. Handy, songwriter 1873, George S. Kaufman, dramatist and journalist 1889, Burgess Meredith, actor 1907, Jose Saramago, novelist 1922, Chinua Achebe, writer 1930, Elizabeth Drew, journalist 1935, Robert Nozick, political philosopher 1938, Maggie Gyllenhaal, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and wife are in bed and the wife says, "Honey, if I die would you get married again? Her husband replied, "No dear." His wife said, "I'm sure you would." The annoyed husband said, "Okay, I would."

The wife asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Her husband answered, "Yeah, I guess so." The wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?" Her husband replied, "No, she's taller than you."

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side."

He continued, "When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Martha?" She smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth, "What dear?" He replied, "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, an African, an Aussie, two Kiwis, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Spaniard, an Italian, a Swede, an Israeli, a Pole, three Mexicans, a Muslim, five Swiss, a Buddhist, a Greek and a Norwegian went into a bar.

The bartender said to the group, "Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."

An older man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The man obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great." Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The old guy says, "One...Two...Three..."

That's it for today, my little tadpoles. Remember, it's impossible to have just an "ok" time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Friday The 13th

Today is Friday the 13th and phobias abound. I don't believe in ridiculous superstitions because I feel secure, sitting safely in my bathroom, covered in peanut butter. This wards off evil spirits.   

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th. Wikipedia says it comes from the from Greek tris meaning "three", kai meaning "and", deka meaning "10" and phobos meaning "fear.

According to National Geographic Fact Book: Of all superstitions, triskaidekaphobia, is the one with the most influence still in the modern world. More than 80 percent of high-rises lack a 13th floor; many hospitals have no room number 13; France and Italy rarely have 13 as a house address; airports often skip gate 13 and airplanes don’t include a 13th row.

Most telling, up to $900 million is lost every Friday the 13th because of people not flying or conducting business on this double-whammy day.

Folklorists trace this numeric nervousness to a pre-Christian Norse myth. Twelve gods were having a dinner party in Valhalla, their heaven. An uninvited 13th guest named Loki arrives.

A known mischief-maker, Loki then arranges for Hoder, the god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, god of joy, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow. Balder dies and the Earth is shrouded in darkness.

A sense of foreboding and doom has attended the number 13 ever since.

Truthfully, I must admit that I do have one phobia. I suffer from Anatidaephobia, the fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching me.

Although fear is a natural reaction to the unknown, remember that the only thing to fear is fear, itself.....and f*cking spiders. I hate f*cking spiders.....

The Duck is watching.....

The News As I See It: The next Democratic debate is being held this Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa and will be broadcast by CBS News. And if that doesn't do the job, try Ambien.

Tuesday night was the fourth Republican debate and if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!

Hillary Clinton has begun telling the story of her attempt to join the Marines in 1975. Right! The closest she ever came to the Marines was buying a pantsuit at Old Navy.

A couple of weeks ago Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, "Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants."

The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. They're even more likely to donate to Charity's friends, Crystal, Bambi and Cinnamon.

This Date In History: 1775; U.S. forces, under the command of Gen. Richard Montgomery, captured Montreal during the American Revolution. 1927; The world's first long, mechanically ventilated underwater tunnel, the Holland Tunnel, opened between New York and New Jersey.

1940; Walt Disney's Fantasia debuted. 1942; The minimum draft age was lowered from 21 to 18. 1946; Vincent Schaefer produced artificial snow from a natural cloud for the first time at Mount Greylock in Massachusetts.

1956; The Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on buses. 1982; The Vietnam War Memorial, designed by Maya Lin, was dedicated in Washington, DC. 2001; The Taliban abandoned Afghanistan's capital of Kabul when the Northern Alliance entered the city.

Picture Of The Day: A word to the wise.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend's smart phone has GPS. It has learned to say "Your other left." 2) I hate that moment when I'm driving and tweeting and I look up and notice that I'm in the Atlantic Ocean. 3) I caught my crazy "ex" going through my garbage, but I guess that's what I get for dating a raccoon. 4) A girl I know got her tongue pierced and I asked her why? She said, "To enhanthe the thektual thtimulathon." 5) I can only handle so much of a bunch of screaming kids on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof and let them back in.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 13th: The light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a other astrologers and it's either a light or a locomotive. Just in case, get out of the tunnel.

Birthdays: Saint Augustine, theologian 354, Johann Eck, theologian 1486, Robert Louis Stevenson, poet, novelist 1850, Mary Wigman, dancer, choreographer 1886, Gerard Butler, actor 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Mrs. Lipschitz went to her gynecologist and after her examination, she told him that she was worried about her husband's health. When asked about the problem, Mrs. Lipschitz said that lately her husband had developed a penchant for eating dog food.

The doctor said, "I wouldn't worry too much about that. As long as he eats other types of food as well, the dog food won't hurt him." The doctor's answer satisfied the old woman and she returned home.

About a month later, the doctor happened to see Mrs. Lipschitz at the shopping mall. He greeted the old woman and asked about Mr. Lipschitz. She said, "Oh, he's in the hospital in intensive care but the doctors say he's going to be fine."

Horrified, the doctor said, "My word, I didn't believe that eating dog food would hurt him. I hope that he didn't have a reaction to the dog food and was poisoned."

Mrs. Lipschitz replied, "No, eating the dog food wasn't the problem. He stepped off the curb to sniff a poodle's ass and got hit by a car."

A drunk in a bar throws up all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. The drunk says, Damn! I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry. Just stick a $20 bill in the your pocket and tell her someone threw up on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who threw up on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. She asks, "Why are there two twenties?" The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he shit my pants, too."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Mike for his contribution to today's stories.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

The Trooper asked, "What's the matter?" The biker replied, Carburetor's frozen," The Trooper said, "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." The biker said, "I can't." The Trooper said, "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you, so the next time you can do it."

The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill..."

A guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two sheriff's deputies, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether the deputy can see a picture of the wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck." The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want to!"

That's it for today, my little puppy dogs. Remember, a walk in the woods helps you relax and release tension. The fact that you're dragging a body behind you should be irrelevant. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !