Apple To Apple - William and Kate - Yahtzee!

Prince William and Kate Middleton announced their engagement and will be married at St. Paul’s Cathedral, where every royal wedding has been held for the last 100 years. Either that or they’ll get married in Acapulco. Britain hasn’t been this excited about the prospect for a new queen since Elton John. No date has been set for the divorce.

Rep. Charlie Rangel (D-N.Y.) has finally been found guilty of 11 counts of violating House rules "by clear and convincing evidence," Rep. Zoe Lofgren (D-Calif.), the chair of the House ethics committee, announced Tuesday. It wasn’t easy. They had to go way outside Washington to find anyone that knew anything about ethics.

Rangel faced charges stemming from a 21-month investigation into accusations that he failed to pay rent-related taxes on his villa in the Dominican Republic; that he used a rent-controlled apartment in New York for campaign activities; and that he used congressional stationary to raise funds for a center at New York's City University to be built in his name.

As per Congress' typical way of "taking care of their own", I doubt that anything remotely resembling punishment (which could range from reprimand to censure to expulsion) will occur. Of course, if he was the average Joe Citizen, he'd be hanged next week.

Today's Hot Button: Here's a thought: Quit running Americans through the pre-flight sex gauntlet and start profiling! We all know who we're looking for. Just politely pull their ass to the side and feel them up!

The News As I See It: It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they’re going through your underwear while you’re wearing it. To make things worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee.

Bernie Madoff's possessions have been auctioned off to help repay his investors for their losses. Bernie was upset that his wife's engagement ring sold for $550,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Leroy.

Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma.

It's been a rough week for President Obozo. He’s got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It’s going to be a fowl week.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska got huge ratings for its premiere. Word has it that the show has been the inspiration for a new show called "John McCain’s Mesopotamia." Palin's word "refudiate" has been declared to be the 2010 Word of the Year by the new Oxford Dictionary. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to "dismangle" the English language.

This Date In History: 1558; Queen Elizabeth I of England ascended to the throne upon the death of her half-sister Queen Mary. 1800; Congress met in Washington, DC, for the first time. 1869; The Suez Canal opened in Egypt. 1917; Sculptor Auguste Rodin died in Meudon, France.

1968; Night of the "Heidi bowl:" NBC switched from football to movie of Heidi. In the missing 42 seconds, the lagging Raiders scored two touchdowns, defeating the Jets. 1973; President Nixon said "I am not a crook."

1989 The beginning of the "Velvet Revolution," which led to the downfall of communism in Czechoslovakia. 2003; Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as governor of California.

Picture Of The Day: So you say you've got Jehovah's Witnesses ringing your doorbell morning, noon and night? Try the new handy dandy "Moose's Ass" doorbell. Should they persist and ring it anyway, remember not to shake hands.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) NASA has just completed work on a new rocket, nicknamed "Civil Servant." It won't work and they can't fire it. 2) One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. 3) Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one? 4) Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam. 5) Researchers have finally released the ingredients in Viagra: 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% "Fix a Flat".....and that's five !

Birthdays: Louis XVIII, king of France 1755, Lee Strasberg, stage director 1901, Eugene Paul Wigner, physicist 1902, Isamu Noguchi, sculptor 1904, Rock Hudson, actor 1925, Martin Scorsese, film director 1942, Danny De Vito, actor, director, producer 1944, Lorne Michaels, TV producer 1944.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Emmy Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. The operator asked, "Where do you live?" Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Two good old boys were given a special SAT test to meet their admission requirements to the Military Academy. Soon after the test began the first guy turns to the second guy and asks, "Old MacDonald had a what?" The other replies, "He had a farm." The first asks, "How do you spell it?" To which the second replied, "E-I-E-I-O."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Billy Bob goes into a drugstore and asks the druggist for a box of condoms. The druggist says, "What kind do you want?" Billy Bob tells him, "Gimme the French ticklers." The druggist says, "Listen, do you know what one of those things will do to a woman?" Billy Bob replies, "No, but I hear they make a sheep jump pretty high!"

A guy walks into a bar down in Louisiana and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here. Where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia." The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? What the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. The farmer asked, "Is yer pa home?" The boy replied, "No sir, he sure ain't, he went to town." The farmer said, "Is yer ma home?" The boy replied, "No sir, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

The farmer asked, "Well, then, how about yer brother, Jack, is he here?" The boy said, "No sir, he went with pa and ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The young boy politely asked, "Is there anything I can do fer ya? I know where all the tools are if you want to borry one. Would you like to leave a message fer pa?"

The farmer uncomfortably asked, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Jack getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment and said, "You would have to talk to pa about that. I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Jack."

That's it for today my little collie flowers. Remember, follow your dream, unless it's the one where your naked at work during a fire drill. Hump Day....Happy Hour in AREA 51. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Out And About - My Weekend Escapades

Some of you may be aware of the fact that I was out carousing Friday night and didn't make it home until the wee hours. It may also interest you to remember that in today's age of electronics, there's usually proof. Fortunately, my pal Luly snapped this picture of my pal Carol and I singing a duet at Holleman's Restaurant in Miami Springs. It was also fortunate that no other pictures exist of the rest of the evening.

It was great to see my pal, Randy, again. We went to high school together and spent time reminiscing about the "good ole days." I had a great time!

I often think about the recurring television commercials of a man standing with a hungry little child and asking you to send money to feed him. While I'm in favor of helping children, here's a thought. Why doesn't the commentator, or the camera man, or the producer, or the director or any of the many people being paid to film the production give the kid a damned sandwich?

I am also concerned about the condition of one little girl though in particular. In the 15 years they've been showing her picture, she hasn't aged one day. It must be something in the water.

Then, they show you poor people in a dusty, windy village, also suffering from hunger. Again, the commentator is asking for money to help them. Try this - Move them to where the food is! They're living in the desert! Pack all their meager belongs, put them in the production bus and drive them to a forest that has lakes, streams, fertile land and animals. In the interim, fire the chief of the village who decided that the desert was a great place to live!

The News As I See It: The U. S. Postal Service announced today they lost $8.5 billion this year. They said they blame it on people using e-mail and the fact that terrorists have switched to UPS.

The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor.

President Obozo said on "60 Minutes" that he wants to bring back the 8 million jobs we’ve lost. Today, India said "no." Obozo’s overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate

This Date In History: 1763; Charles Mason and Jeremiah Dixon began surveying the Mason-Dixon line. 1777; The Continental Congress approved the Articles of Confederation, the precursor to the U.S. Constitution. 1806; Explorer Zebulon Pike spotted the mountaintop now known as Pikes Peak.

1939; The cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial was laid by President Roosevelt. 1969; About 250,000 protesters against the Vietnam War, the largest war protest ever, converged peacefully on Washington, DC. 2002; Hu Jintao replaced Jiang Zemin as China's Communist Party leader.

Picture Of The Day: Some more pictures from Saxophone Day, celebrating the birth in 1814 of Adolphe Sax, who invented the instrument.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) One of the great mysteries to me is the fact that a woman can pour hot wax on her legs and pelvic area, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. 2) This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week. It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up. 3) Clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 4) How important does a man have to be before he's considered assassinated instead of just murdered ? 5) Ax me about Ebonics.....and that's five !

Birthdays: William Pitt, statesman 1708, William Herschel, astronomer 1738, Felix Frankfurter, jurist 1882, Georgia O'Keeffe, painter 1887, Marianne Moore, poet 1887, William Averell Harriman, public official 1891, Erwin Rommel, German Field Marshal 1891, Edward Asner, actor 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'' The farmer says, "What a coincidence! This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'' The woman says, "This is a special day for me, too. I am also celebrating!" The farmer says, "What a coincidence!"

As they clinked glasses the man asked, "What are you celebrating?'' The woman says, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'' The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'' The woman says, "That's great! How did your chickens become fertile?'' The man says, "I used a different cock." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my ex-wife Susie for her contribution to today's stories.

An Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? His mother said, "Because he was conceived during a strong thunderstorm." Then he asked "Why is my sister named Wild Flower?" His mother replied, "Your father and I were lying in a beautiful meadow of flowers when we made her."

Still hungry for knowledge, the boy then asked, "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" His mother smiled and answered, "We were lying in the forest during the full moon when she was conceived."

The mother paused and said to her son, "I am happy that you want to know our family history, but tell me, Two Dogs Humping, why are you so curious?"

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, ugly old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

An old Italian Mafia Don was dying and he called his grandson to his bed and said, "Grandson I wanna you lisin' to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." The boy said, "But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

The Don said, "You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do then? Point to your watch and say 'Time's Up?'"

That's it for today my little bambinos. Remember, never be afraid to try something new. Keep in mind that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Abandon Ship - Women, Children and Journalists First !

A Carnival cruise ship was stranded off the Pacific Coast and had to be towed back to land. The ship had no electricity, no hot water, and no air conditioning. If they wanted that, they could have stayed in Mexico. For two days, the ship drifted with no power, earning the nickname "The Democratic Party."

The ship was towed back into San Diego and Carnival gave passengers a refund and tickets for another cruise. That’s like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then being offered a doggy bag. I probably shouldn’t make fun of cruises because I’ll probably end up working on one.

Former President Bush is all over the place hawking his new book and said in an interview that he used to do stupid things when he was drunk. But who among us hasn’t had a couple drinks and invaded Iraq? Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she’s the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library. a

Here's my latest video on YouTube. This ballad is one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy it. Remember to mute my music playlist located on the left sidebar.

The News As I See It: I finally read former President Bush’s memoir, and I’ve got to say, the book was way better than the presidency.

JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That’s who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who’s been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years.

Americans are stranded on a cruise ship for two days and they have to haul in 60,000 pounds of food. Meanwhile, the Chilean miners were underground for 69 days with nothing but a can of tuna fish and they were fine.

President Obozo is still out of the country but he's keeping in contact with Vice President Joe O'Biden to find out when it's safe to come back home.

Nancy Pelosi will no longer be speaker of the house, so she's forced to give up her private jet to make those trips from Washington DC to San Francisco. She'll be flying Southwest from now on because "Bags fly free."

The Pentagon says it doesn’t know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can’t believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House.

This Date In History: 1920; Judge Kenesaw Mountain Landis was elected the first commissioner of baseball. 1927; Leon Trotsky was expelled from the Communist Party and Joseph Stalin became the ruler of the Soviet Union. 1942; The World War II battle of Guadalcanal begins.

1954; Ellis Island stopped serving as the chief immigration station for the United States. Twenty million immigrants went through Ellis Island in its 62 years of operation. 1970; A cyclone and tidal wave hit East Pakistan, killing over 200,000 people.

1981; The space shuttle Columbia was launched for the second time. It was the first time a space vehicle was used more than once. 1990; Akihito becomes emperor of Japan. 1997; Ramzi Yousef, the man behind the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, was convicted in New York.

Picture Of The Day: November 6th was Saxophone Day, celebrating the birth in 1814 of Adolphe Sax, who invented the instrument. The only people I could remember who played the sax was Gato Barbieri and Bill Clinton. I couldn't find a picture of Gato and, besides, Clinton is more fun.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in. 2) Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. 3) I want Santa's list of naughty girls for Christmas. 4) I wonder what chickens think we taste like? 5) We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Auguste Rodin, sculptor 1840, Sun Yat-Sen, founder of modern China 1866, Harry Blackmun, Associate Justice 1908, Grace Kelly, actress, Princess of Monaco 1929.

Neil Young, singer; songwriter; guitarist 1945, Nadia Comaneci, gymnast 1961, Sammy Sosa, baseball outfielder 1968, Ryan Gosling, actor 1980, Anne Hathaway, actress 1982.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. The other finalist was a country boy who was going into the 5th grade for the 3rd time. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two, Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! They wondered how the country boy could top that? The clock started again and the country boy sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went, Met three girls in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Dutch and Garnett for their contributions to today's stories.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa,you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So, Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

In Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Jones were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Look at the size of that bird, Pa!" Pa raises up and says, "Git my gun, Ma." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

Pa takes careful aim and Bang!...Bang!.....Bang!.....Bang! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. Ma says, "I think ya missed him, Pa." Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

Bobby Joe shows up at the bar all out of breath so Billy Ray asks him what the hell is wrong with you? Bobby Joe says, "I've been running from the cops. but I finally lost them" Billy Ray asked, "What the hell did you do?" Bobby Joe replied, "Nothing, I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Billy Ray said, "That's not against the law." Bobby Joe said, "That's what I thought, but those guys at Home Depot sure thought it was....."

That's it for today my little peacocks. Remember, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. With that in mind, I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Remember Our Veterans Tomorrow !

Veterans Day is tomorrow, November 11 and I'd like to thank and remember all of the men and women, both past and present, who have valiantly served America throughout the years. Please remember our troops and God Bless America!

Just one week after House Democrats were swept out of power, Speaker Nancy Pelosi is hosting a reception today "honoring the accomplishments of the 111th Congress." Did I miss something?

It's a bird. It's a plane. Actually, it's a plane. At least that's what experts and the military seem to be saying about Tuesday's scare over what initially looked like a mystery missile spotted off the coast of Los Angeles. The Northern Aerospace Defense Command already weighed in Tuesday, saying the unexplained contrail posed no threat to the nation.

NORAD did not speculate on what the source of the missile-looking contrail might come from. Now, experts are saying why it's highly likely that what a helicopter camera crew captured on camera was a plane, not a missile. Nice to know that it takes more than 24 hours for someone to have a clue.

The News As I See It: Nancy Pelosi says she will seek to become the House minority leader. Who better to be the minority leader than the person who led their party to become the minority.

President Obozo is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pact with India, brokered a deal to make India part of the Security Council, got his laptop fixed and got a $15 late fee removed from his Visa card. Obozo went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate.

Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for giving money to Democratic candidates. If only he had given his money to prostitutes, like Eliot Spitzer, he would have a primetime show on CNN.

Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a U.F.O. on Monday. I've got news for the Aliens. If you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town.

Apple just launched its online store in China. Apple said this is an exciting opportunity to sell iPods to the kids who make them.

This Date In History: 1871; Journalist and explorer Henry Stanley found the missing David Livingstone in Central Africa and made his famous comment, "Dr. Livingstone, I presume?" 1928; Hirohito was crowned Emperor of Japan.

1951; The first long distance telephone call without operator assistance took place. 1969; Sesame Street premiered on PBS TV. 1970; The Great Wall of China opened to the world for tourism. 1982; The Vietnam Veterans Memorial opened in Washington, DC.

Picture Of The Day: Remembering the soldiers, past and present, who served or are serving this nation.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. 2) Home is a place where part of the family waits 'till the rest of the family brings the car back. 3) Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time. 4) Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes. 5) If you think a sweet little 80-year-old lady would never say the F word, just let another sweet little 80-year-old lady yell BINGO!.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My niece, Sommer. Happy Birthday baby girl! 19XX, Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation 1483, William Hogarth, painter, satirist, engraver 1697, Oliver Goldsmith, author 1730, Samuel Gridley Howe, reformer and philanthropist 1801, Claude Rains, actor 1889.

J. P. Marquand, novelist 1893, Richard Burton, actor 1925, Russell Means, activist, actor 1939, Donna Fargo, singer 1945, Ann Reinking, dancer, choreographer, and actor 1949, Roland Emmerich, filmmaker 1955, Neil Gaiman, writer 1960 Brittany Murphy, actor 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.

The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra. Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. The officer barked, "You idiot! Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

The solder answered apologetically, "Yes sir, but, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter', that did it."

In a radio conversation between a Mexican naval ship and American authorities off the coast of San Diego, the American operator said, "Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision." The Mexican naval ship replied, "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision."

The American operator radioed, "Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision." The Mexican naval ship replied, "This is the Captain of a Mexican Navy ship. I say again, divert your course." The Americans responded, "No. I say again, you divert your course."

The Mexican ship radioed, "This is the Mexican warship Pancho Villa, the largest ship in the Mexican fleet. I demand that you change your course or counter-measures will be taken to insure the safety of this ship!" The Americans responded, "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?"

The son said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." The father said, "So, that's when you jumped?"

The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass." His father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

The son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'" The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little, at first."

That's it for today my little puppy dogs. Remember, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him wear swim trunks. Think I'll head over to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Drugs Cause Amnesia And Other Things I Can't Remember

I've often wondered how drug companies come up with names for their drugs. Methinks that the scientists sit on the toilet all night long just to come up with names like Aciphex (pronounced ass effects) which ostensibly relieves the symptoms of acid reflux, gas and bloating. Why didn't they just name it Hoof Hearted (say it three times and you'll understand the logic).

Why is it necessary to come up with long unpronounceable names when you can give the consumer a good idea of what the drug is by it's name? Here's some suggestions:

EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOM'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

The News As I See It: Daylight Savings ended Sunday. If you’re confused about when to set your clocks back or ahead, just remember this simple rule: You gain an hour every fall, and you lose an hour every time you watch an episode of "Jersey Shore".

President O'Bozo is on a 10-day trip to India, Indonesia, South Korea, and Japan. Not to be outdone, today Joe Biden went to Epcot Center at Disney world.

Former President Georgie Bush, in his new book, reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea.

This Date In History: 1889; Montana became the 41st state. 1892; Former president Grover Cleveland beat incumbent Benjamin Harrison and became the only president to win nonconsecutive terms in the White House. 1923; Adolf Hitler attempted, and failed, to seize control of the German government in the Beer Hall Putsch.

1960; John F. Kennedy defeated Richard M. Nixon for the presidency of the United States. 1966; Edward W. Brooke of Massachusetts became the first African American to be elected to the U.S. Senate since Reconstruction. 1994; After a 40-year Democrat domination, the Republican Party gained control of the U.S. House of Representatives, as well as a Senate majority.

Picture Of The Day: American voters got rid of most of the congressional trash with the exception of the twinkle toed Barney Frank and lying, thieving Harry Reid.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 2) Buffet - A French word that means: Get up and get it yourself! 3) Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast. 4) One of my pet peeves is women who don't put the toilet seat back up when they're finished. 5) Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser......and that's five !

Birthdays: Edmond Halley, English astronomer and mathematician 1656, Bram Stoker, novelist 1847, Margaret Mitchell, novelist 1900, Martha Gellhorn, international correspondent 1908, Christiaan Barnard, surgeon 1923, Bonnie Raitt, blues-rock singer 1949, Parker Posey, actor 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Upon arriving home, a husband is met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explains, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone!" Angry, the husband drives down to the drug store to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he says a word, though, the pharmacist tells him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both my house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

The pharmacist continued, "I opened the store and started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and when I stood up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer."

He went on, "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing and will not let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this week-end and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me"? After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try on your wedding night. When you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the hell was that?" The wife explains, "Oh, nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping." The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got me by the balls!"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed the male hormone testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?'' The woman answered, ''On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

That's it for today my little kid knee beans. Remember, the ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !