What's For Dinner, Mom?

That question was rarely asked in my day as my parents cooked what they could afford and what they thought was best. As a rule it was always good, especially Dad's fried chicken with mashed potatoes and gravy.

On the other hand, there were those days of liver and asparagus which I abhor to this day. Fortunately, my dog Beannie could catch food when you threw it to him, so I'd start by throwing a piece of liver followed by a piece of asparagus which he gulped down before he could spit it out. I often thought that he licked his ass afterward just to get the taste of asparagus out of his mouth.

Dad was the chef in the family as that was his trade when he was in the U.S. Coast Guard during World War II. Dad taught my mother to cook and all three children as well. Brother Kirt was the one who ended up being an excellent chef and ofttimes cooks for over 100 people.

I fondly recall those days around the dinner table. Either Mom or Dad cooked and the children were always served first. There wasn't any ornate dishware, mostly Melmac plates and old jelly glasses. Nothing matched. We didn't know the difference anyway and we were there to eat, not admire dishware. (I quickly learned about the cost of good dishes after my first marriage. What impressed me the most was that everything matched).

During dinner, food was served from the pan or pot to the plate in an amount decided upon by whichever parent was cooking. The phrase "pass the potatoes" (or the like) was never needed.

Probably the most entertaining part of the evening, (usually when Mom was cooking because Dad wouldn't stand for any shenanigans) was when we tried to make each other laugh (which was taboo). This was usually done by dropping food in one an other's milk or the like.

The funny thing about life is that we didn't really know we weren't rich (though I began to suspect it after we moved from a house and the owner tore it down). Those days were, indeed, the good old days and we never really knew it until we became adults, got jobs and had to pay our own way.......

The News As I See It: The new iPhone is coming soon. It's going to have a new feature that actually keeps track of your every movement. Obama is like, "Right, new feature."

Congratulations Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You are about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.

Details are slowly coming forward about James Dimaggio who kidnapped Hannah Anderson and killed her mother and brother. . The family of kidnapping of the murder suspect James DiMaggio believes that he may be the father of Hannah Anderson and her slain 8-year-old brother. I have mixed feelings about the relationship between Dimaggio and Hannah. Time will tell. 

This Date In History: 1680; Pueblo Indians drove out the Spanish and took possession of Santa Fe, New Mexico. 1831; Nat Turner led an insurrection of slaves in Virginia. 1858; The famous debates between Senator Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln began in Illinois.

1911; The Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre museum in France by an Italian waiter, Vicenzo Perruggia. 1940; Russian revolutionary Leon Trotsky died in Mexico City. 1945; Harry S. Truman announced the end of the Lend-Lease Program. 1959; Hawaii became the 50th state in the United States.

1983; Corazon Aquino's husband Benigno, who was Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos's chief political opponent, was assassinated. 1991; Latvia declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful Lake Come, Italy......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager. 2) If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards, I just get in the back seat. 3) Is it me, or is that Gerber's College Fund commercial a bit out of touch with reality? 4) No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas. 5) My ex-mother-in-law is nearly 80 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 21st: Three times a lady is a hell of a lot of lady, you might think. But later on this week you might think, "Well, that could be a fairly standard amount of lady." And if you think that, well then I will have done my job. The best way to fool a man into giving away a biscuit is to let him know that you know where it's been. Don't give any details, just let it casually be known that you "know where it's been."

Birthdays: My friends Linda and Melyssa - Happy Birthday Ladies 19XX, Philip II, king of France 1165, Count Basie, jazz pianist 1904, Wilt Chamberlain, basketball player 1936, Archie Griffin, football running back 1954.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire."

The old man asked, "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some chickens!" The old man said, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes. About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch.

The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some duct tape." The old man asked, "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man said, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. A little later, Johnny again was passing the porch. The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow.' The old man said, "Wait right there 'til I get my shoes on."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Mike and Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. She said, "This is the 21st century. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top O' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles. Ten in all." The Father said, "That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin candle....."

That's it for today, my little rug rats. Remember, if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around "the law". Take it from me, judges don't like it. As Mr. Rogers says, "It's a lovely day in the neighborhood, especially in AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Miss Bill Clinton

Today is Bill Clinton's birthday. Ol' Bill was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President. He played the sax, he smoked weed and he had his way with ugly white women.

Even now, his wife works and he doesn't and he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada . When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do hanky panky between the Bushes."

Of course, we now have Hillary Clinton marching towards the 2016 democratic nomination, behind the fanfare of the liberal, ass kissing media. CNN and NBC already have a Hillary movie and three part documentary in the works.

Hillary will have her hands full trying to control the Benghazi scandal and concealing the acts of Huma Abedin, one of Hillary's top aides and wife of New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Abedin is facing renewed scrutiny over her work as a consultant for outside clients while serving at the State Department.

And, as always, we have the usual suspects lining up for the republican nomination who have the combined personalty of a carrot. One standout candidate according to the polls is Tubby Chris Christie who I think is rino (republican in name only) and is more obnoxious than Obama.

The News As I See It: The Republican National Committee says if NBC and CNN don't pull plans for the biased, hyped Hillary Clinton miniseries and movie, they won't hold any Republican debates on those networks. That works for me! Now if we could just get the Democrats to pull their debates, we wouldn't have to watch any of that crap.

Obama recently met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Joe Biden said, "John Travolta's here?"

This Date In History: 1812; The U.S. frigate Constitution, Old Ironsides, defeated the British ship Guerriere during the War of 1812. 1934; Germans voted to make Adolf Hitler Fuhrer.

1960; American U-2 pilot Francis Gary Powers was convicted of espionage in Moscow. 1977; Comedian Groucho Marx died in Los Angeles at age 86.

2003; U.N. special representative Sergio Vieira de Mello was one of 22 killed when a suicide car bomb struck the UN's Baghdad headquarters.

Picture Of The Day: Now I've seen some big 'gators in my time while fishing, swimming and camping in the Florida Everglades. But this bad boy was caught in Georgia and tipped the scales at over 1100 pounds. You will never see any alligator wrestler even consider getting in the circle with a guy this big.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I bought a new stick deodorant and the instructions said "remove cap and push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I pass gas, the room smells lovely. 2) It's been said that eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. Great, now I have a 113% chance of dying. 3) In school, my report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. The joke's on them. That really was as good as I was going to get. 4) I just saw that my girlfriend was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair. 5) Chinese food: $16.72 Gas to get to restaurant: $3.00 Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your food containers: Riceless.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 19th: Your appetite may increase as the doctors finally remove the scissors they left inside you during your last operation. Life can be as romantic as you wish to make it. Like the old saying goes, "a man with three fish has enough in his heart to help him build a picnic chair."

Birthdays: My pals Carlene and Ron - Happy Birthday 19XX, John Dryden, poet, dramatist and critic 1631, Orville Wright, aviation pioneer 1871, Coco Chanel, fashion designer 1883, Ogden Nash, poet 1902, Malcolm Forbes, publisher 1919, Willie Shoemaker, jockey 1931, William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States. He was born William Jefferson Blythe III in Hope, Arkansas. His father died before he was born and he took the name of his stepfather 1946, Matthew Perry, actor 1969.

Meteora, Greece

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his  attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knocking, there's no paper on this side either!"
 

My pal Wally sent me this picture of a bar for serious beer drinkers

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one.. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." (With age comes wisdom).

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!" His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." With a hurt look, she said, "You would?"

His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?" She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new."

The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do." She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

That's it for today, my little goslings. Remember, one reason babies cry on planes is because flying is scary. Babies aren’t liars like you and I.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

"So" Here's Today's Post

There is an annoying and growing usage of the word "so" to begin a sentence. What is new is its status as the introduction to thoughts and its encroachment on the territory of "Well," "Um," "Like" and their ilk. No longer content to lurk in the middle of sentences, it has jumped to the beginning and is being used, ad nauseum.

To make matters clear, the word "so" indicates the continuation of a thought or subject. After all, among its synonyms, are "consequently," "thus" and "therefore."

There are a variety of thoughts as to why "so" has become the new sentence starter, but to be sure, once a new word usage (grammatically correct or not) catches on, it becomes a matter of "monkey see, monkey do", or in this particular case "monkey hear, monkey repeat".

The misuse is not limited to the hard of understanding. Witness the misuse by some "educated" people and sources:

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, late last year: "So it’s not only because we believe that universal values support human rights being recognized and respected, but we think that it’s in the best interest for economic growth and political stability. So we believe that."

A dispatch on National Public Radio last month, in which a quarter of the sentences began with "so":

"So it’s, I think, the fifth largest in the nation. So, but now that’s the population in general. So there are sort of two, there are two things that are circumstantial..."

Michael Erard the author of “Um...: Slips, Stumbles, and Verbal Blunders, and What They Mean.” Erard said, The rise of "so," is another symptom that our communication and conversational lives are chopped up and discontinuous in actual fact, but that we try in several ways to sew them together — or ‘so’ them together, as it were — in order to create a continuous experience."

Perhaps we all live now in fear that a conversation could snap at any moment, could be interrupted by so many rival offerings. With "so," we beg to be heard. We insist, time and again, that this is it; this is what you’ve been waiting to hear; this is the "so" moment.

Personally, I'm just happy that I listened to my English professor. I hate to sound so stupid unnecessarily.....
 


Lake Louise, Alberta, Canada

The News As I See It: Mayor Filner of San Diego has had 14 women come forward alleging that he sexually harassed them. Hooters restaurants are refusing to serve Filner because they say he's disrespectful to women in his office. The CEO said there's a time and a place to be disrespect to women and that's at a Hooters.

A Great Grandmother is the latest woman to claim that Mayor Filner sexually harassed her. I saw the woman who made the claim on a news report and, in her particular case, I think she's either seeing dollars signs or having hallucinations.

According to a new report, Tulsa, Oklahoma, has the lowest rent in the country. Nice try Tulsa, but we're still not moving there.

North Korea recently developed their first-ever smart phone, just like an iPhone. It's hard to believe they built a smart phone, because wi-fi and cellphone data plans are illegal there. You can't even have friends and family in North Korea. If you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police.

Justin Bieber did something recently and he wants to make sure you know about it. He was driving through L.A. and happened upon a woman who asked him for money. So he stopped, handed her money and posted a picture of himself on Instagram. Always give back: a good message. Maybe we can give him back to Canada.

Karijini National Park, Western Australia

This Date In History: 1777; The Revolutionary War battle of Bennington, Vermont, won by American forces. 1829; The original Siamese twins, Eng and Chang, arrived in Boston.

1948; Baseball legend Babe Ruth died in New York City at age 53. 1960; Cyprus, the third-largest island in the Mediterranean, became an independent republic. 1962; Algeria was admitted to the Arab League.

1977; Elvis Presley died at Graceland, his Memphis,Tennessee home, from heart failure at age 42. 2003; Former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin died.

Picture Of The Day: This is probably the longest picture I've ever posted, but it needed to be long to see the beautiful panorama of this elevated highway in Wollongong, Australia.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision. 2) Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout. 3) Why haven't any of Spiderman's arch enemies just squashed him with a giant shoe? 4) The kids in my neighborhood are so obnoxious, I decorated the beehive in my tree behind my house like a piñata. 5) Sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 16: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems. Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?

Birthdays: George Meany, labor leader 1894, Menachem Begin, Zionist leader and Israeli prime minister (1977–83) 1913, Charles Bukowski, fiction writer 1920, Frank Gifford, football player 1930, Suzanne Farrell, ballet dancer 1945, James Cameron, director 1954, Angela Bassett, actress 1958, Madonna, pop singer and actress 1958.

Amsterdam, Netherlands

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough loving. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner. it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

The doctor advised, "Homer, just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What's wrong? Didn't my idea work?" Homer said, "Oh, it worked real good. Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene would come running. We'd find a secluded place, make love and then she'd go back home again."

The doctor said, "That's good, Homer. So what's the problem?" Homer replied, "I ain't seen her since hunting season started."

A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

Seaside deck, Hawaii

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by you.

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself-Virginity-Test-Kit which consists of a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?" The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel."

That's it for today, my little cactus flowers. Remember, if you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost farther north. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour and I just might try out the recently opened Hialeah Park Casino.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Hillary - The Documentary - The 2016 Propaganda Begins

CNN Films is making a feature-length documentary about former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The release date has yet to be determined. The film adds yet another installment to the growing list of Hillary-related television projects and books slated for release before the 2016 presidential campaign.

But is also presents a potential image problem for CNN's News division as it covers Clinton in the run up to her highly anticipated bid for the White House.

Nevertheless, the project could cause some headaches for CNN as it seeks to ensure both Clinton's opponents and her supporters that the project will have no bearing on the network's news reporting.

Conservatives will likely criticize CNN for devoting so much airtime to a Democratic candidate, while the Clinton campaign is likely to take issue with the network for dedicating so much reporting to their candidate, rather than to her competitors.

CNN's Jake Tapper noted the editorial risks that NBC Entertainment will have to deal with over its forth coming Hillary Clinton mini-series calling it "a lose-lose situation editorially."

The mini-series, which will star Diane Lane, will follow Clinton from the Monica Lewinsky scandal through her time as Obama's Secretary of State, Variety reported on Saturday.

Well, I think the casting was perfect. Looking at Diane Lane and Hillary Clinton side-by-side, they look like twins......

The News As I See It: In Tennessee, a boy seven months old was at the center of a legal battle because his parents couldn't agree on his last name. They went to court and the magistrate refused to validate the kid's firsd\t name. The parents wanted to name him Messiah. The magistrate forced them to change it to Martin. If your first name is Messiah, you'll never find those little personalized license plates for your bike.

I think they should bring that magistrate to Hollywood and put her in charge of celebrity baby names because they're not even giving their kids names anymore. They're giving them nouns. You go to any playground in L.A., yell the word "river," and 10 kids will come running.

North Korea has announced that it's developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they've already escaped from North Korea.

Scientists have found a new link between high blood sugar and dementia. Which explains Cinnabon's new slogan, "The last bite you'll remember."

There's a new cable channel of entirely dog-based programing called Dog TV. In a related story, there's also an entirely cat-based channel called YouTube.

A hotel in New York now offers a plastic surgery recovery package. Basically it's a place for people to relax after they've seen Bruce Jenner up close.

This Date In History: 1900; International forces entered Beijing, China, in an effort to suppress the anti-foreign uprising known as the Boxer Rebellion. 1935; The Social Security Act became law. 1945; Japan surrendered to the United States, ending World War II.

1947; Pakistan became independent of British rule. 1951; Newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst died in Beverly Hills, California. 1995; Shannon Faulkner became the first female cadet at the Citadel, the state military college of South Carolina.

1997; Timothy McVeigh was sentenced to death for the Oklahoma City bombing. 2003; The largest blackout in North American history hit the northeast.

Picture Of The Day: Today's picture is a rarity for me. Until today, I had never seen the underside of a sting ray.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) 9 out of 10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip. 2) If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene. 3) Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I'm supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me. 4) I expect that one day, the refrigerator will take revenge on me, opening the door to my room every half-hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away. 5) Only kids of the 50's, 60's and 70's will remember this! "Go Play Outside!".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 14th: I estimate that at least fifty percent of your efforts today will go, not only unrewarded, but also unnoticed. Life is like that this week.

Birthdays: John Galsworthy, English novelist and dramatist 1867, Ernest Everett Just, biologist, educator 1883, Russell Baker, columnist 1925, Steve Martin, actor 1945, Danielle Steel, author 1947, Magic Johnson, basketball player 1959, Halle Berry, actress, model 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. The director says, "Also, you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A golfer was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to hustle other golfers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings." The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but only collects 2-3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2-3 dollars." Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another 10 dollars to move back to Mexico.

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. The stranger asked, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" The owner. "Yep, that’s him."

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner explained, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house. I'm on my way to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !