Driving Miss Ginger

My long time friend Wally captured this adorable picture of his wife Dianne and his canine queen "Ginger". Dianne and Ginger have Wally well trained and house broken. Both ladies certainly know how to strike a pose.

Wally and I go back to junior high and high school. We have quite a few mutual friends, all of whom are well aware of the ladies in his life through the lens of his beautiful pictures.

Wally lives in Georgia in a small community and the pictures that he shares with his friends are of post card quality. Visiting Wally, Dianne and Ginger are definitely on my bucket list.

The News As I See It: It's been reported that Jeb Bush's campaign has been staying at cheaper hotels to save money. Which would make Jeb the first politician ever to book a room at a cheap motel just to sleep.

In the Democratic debate, candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he’s never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. Liberals said, "Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal." Chafee responded, "Ribbitt".

This Date In History: 1781; British General Cornwallis surrendered to General George Washington at Yorktown, Va., bringing an end to the last major battle of the American Revolution.

1812; French troops under Napoleon Bonaparte began their retreat from Moscow. 1960; The United States imposes a partial embargo on goods exported to Cuba. 1983; The Senate passed a bill (78–22) making Martin Luther King,'s birthday a public holiday.

1987; The stock market crashed on what came to be known as "Black Monday." Stocks dropped a record 508 points, or 22.6%, topping the drops on October 28 and 29 in 1929 that ushered in the Great Depression.

Picture Of The Day: Bad Timing? Ahmed Muhammad, is a 14-year-old boy who was arrested in Irving, Texas, after he brought a homemade clock to his first day of high school. His teachers believed it was a bomb.

Authorities later learned that it was a clock, described as "a circuit board and power supply wired to a digital display, all strapped inside a case with a tiger hologram on the front.

The incident prompted cries of outrage and accusations of Islamophobia. Obama quickly picked up the liberal baton, congratulated the boy and invited him to the White House.

Muhammed is set to meet Obama tonight after posing for pictures with Sudanese Leader, Omar al-Bashir, an alleged war criminal. Is this the case of an innocent clock maker or trial run for a terrorist bomb? I hope Obama enjoys this recent picture....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that a man in a relationship should forget his mistakes. There's really no use in two people remembering them. 2) I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that God sneezed and I didn't know what to say. 3) My ex-girlfriend was so bad in bed that after we had sex, I drew a chalk outline around her. 4) My nephew has ADHD/HD. He can never sit still, but his picture quality is incredible. 5) Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Were did you get that?" The parrot says, "In Chicago, they're all over the place.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 19th: Minor changes to your driving style allows you to feel like you're a better driver. You're not, but it's the thought that counts. Today should be good for you but I wouldn't eat any seafood. Come to think of it, I wouldn't go near any body of water.

Birthdays: Thomas Browne, author and physician 1605, Edmund Beecher Wilson, zoologist 1856, Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown, baseball player 1876, Lewis Mumford, social philosopher 1895, Jack Anderson, newspaper columnist 1922, John le Carré, novelist 1931, John Lithgow, actor 1945, Philip Pullman, writer 1946, Evander Holyfield, boxer 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: You may have heard the term "trophy wife (or girlfriend)." Ostensibly, if you're married or have a girlfriend, that's your "trophy." Of course, not everyone gets a first place trophy. In fact, some guys only get plaques, which I assume is better than "honorable mention." If you marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

Similarly, it only stands to reason that some women have "trophy husbands." I have no idea what women would classify as a trophy, but I'm assuming that not being broke and having a job would have high priority in the definition.

My friend had a trophy girlfriend and almost married her. When he asked about her past, she said she'd only had two affairs. They broke up about a month later when he learned her two affairs were with the Baltimore Colts and the Green Bay Packers.

An older woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" Her husband replied,"No, dear, not at all. Our house isn't blue."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The Priest is pleased with the response.

They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "That my bike."

A Greek and Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek says, "We had great Mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." They went on and on, then the Greek says, "We invented sex."

The Italian says, "That's true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

That's it for today, my little teeny boppers. Remember, laugh and the world laughs with you. Fart and you're on your own.

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Does A Teenager Drink In The Woods?

When I was a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. Smokey is intense in person!

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"

As most of you know, I'm a singer, musician,and songwriter. I've written several songs over the years, but there are a few actual song titles that help me understand why it's illegal to marry your cousin. One of my favorites is "I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling." Now, there's a dilema, huh"

Country music singer and writer Jerry Reed of "Smokey And The Bandit " fame wrote, "She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft". I'll bet there's quite a few of us out there who can identify with that one! Although I haven't heard it, I'm told that Dolly Parton wrote, "You're The Reason Our Children Are Ugly".

Singer Ray Stevens has come up with quite a few songs that did quite well. Who can forget, "Ahab The Arab"? And then there were just silly songs that caught on like, "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It's Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?" and "Tie Me Kangaroo Down".

"One Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater" hit the top of the hit parade way back when. along with songs like "Love Potion Number Nine" and "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah".

In 1966, Jerry Samuels had a brief hit with "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!" and I personally knew several people that the song was written for.

Yep, those were entertaining back in the day and one of the best songs I ever wrote never became a hit because someone wrote a song with a similar (yet trite) title. My song was entitled, "I'm In The Nude For Love" but it only sold 39 copies.....

The News As I See It: Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. On the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. Now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. His current security is having Gary Busey follow him around with nunchucks.

A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, "Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?" The most popular response on Google was, Really? Come on."

Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. They said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate or as Biden put it, "Those are my two middle names! I’m in!"

Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. That way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it's happening. Video screens will be added to 2,400 Starbucks which I think is how many I have within two square miles of my home

This Date In History: 1793; French queen Marie Antoinette was guillotined for treason. 1859; Abolitionist John Brown and his men captured the U.S. arsenal at Harper's Ferry. 1916; Margaret Sanger opened the first birth-control clinic in New York City. 1962 The Cuban Missile Crisis began.

1964; China detonated its first atomic bomb. 1978; John Paul II was elected pope. 1995; Hundreds of thousands of black men gathered in Washington for the "Million Man March" led by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan.

2001; Twelve Senate offices were closed when a letter to Sen. Tom Daschle was found to contain anthrax. 2002; The White House announced that North Korea had disclosed the existence of a secret nuclear weapons program.

Picture Of The Day: The House of Representatives seems to be having problems electing a new Speaker of the House, so my selection is Alfred E. Newman. He couldn't be any worse than his predecessors. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, visa. I came, I saw. I did a little shopping. 2) My girlfriend works at Hooters.....in the kitchen. 3) Next Friday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere. 5) I don't even care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big 9 centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - Friday October 16th: The weather looks good for a fine day assuming that you always keep an umbrella with you. Don't laugh, it worked for Mary Poppins. If you're going to happy hour, stay away from the bean dip. Chance of romance is 56 percent unless it rains. Romantically, that's where the umbrella comes in handy.

Birthdays: Noah Webster, American lexicographer and philologist 1758, Oscar Wilde, author 1854, David Ben-Gurion, statesman 1886, Eugene O'Neill, playwright 1888, Michael Collins, revolutionary leader 1890, Paul Strand photographer 1890, William O. Douglas, jurist 1898, Angela Lansbury, actor 1925, Suzanne Somers, actor 1946, Tim Robbins, actor 1958, John Mayer songer, songwriter 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh."

Realizing his mistake, he turned red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus.

Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you horrible bitch."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: On a hot, dusty day, a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing and asked, "Whudd'ya do that fer?" The cowboy said, "Got chapped lips." The old man asked, "Does that help?" The cowboy said, "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A sailor said to his captain as he saluted, "Skipper, a special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here." The captain ordered, "Read it to me!"

The sailor began reading nervously, "You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy."

The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"

Little Johnny and Jacky are talking to each other. Jacky says, "What does your dad do for a living?" Little Johnny says, "He is a lawyer." Jacky says, "Honest?" Little Johnny relies, "No, just a regular lawyer."

That's it for today, my little billy goats. Remember, sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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That Is The Question

Life is a series of unanswered questions. For example, how does a shepherd count his sheep without falling asleep? Is it legal for your parrot to testify against you in court? Do Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Schultz really fly brooms?

It makes me wonder about things I've heard. Does your chewing gum really lose its flavor on the bedpost over night? Did Brylcreem possibly lie to us years ago when they said a little dab will do you? What do people in China call their good plates?

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder, if I happen to crack corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about me? What are those heads about on Easter Island? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make the sound? Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies?

It's not always politics, the economy or being politically correct that piques my mind. Sometimes more pressing questions surface and leave you wondering. Do married people live longer than single ones or does it just seem longer? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets and what would Geronimo have shouted if he ever jumped from an airplane?

Yes, my little peanut butter cups, sometimes we're just left wondering if fat people go skinny dipping or do they just chunky dunk?
 

The News As I See It: Last night was the first Democratic debate on CNN, and they actually had an extra podium ready in case Joe Biden decided he'd join the race. At the end if the night, the empty podium pulled ahead of Martin O'Malley.

Bernie Sanders' campaign advisers said they wanted him to tone down his yelling at tonight's debate. I knew he was yelling too much because I had to keep turning the volume up to hear the commercials.

CNN has been running a countdown clock to this debate for days now. They got a huge audience for the Republican debate because of Donald Trump but this one doesn't have a Donald Trump. This one has Bernie Sanders who looked like he was on the verge of being alive.

The Mets and Dodgers playoff game three was exciting, but the big story was when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. My girlfriend said it's still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.

On Columbus Day in honor of Christopher Columbus, I went to a grocery store and got lost looking for spices.

North Korea held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it "amazing" and "mandatory."

This Date In History: 1066; The Normans, under William the Conqueror, defeated the English at the Battle of Hastings. 1933; Nazi Germany withdrew from the Geneva disarmament conference and the League of Nations.

1947; U.S. Air Force Captain Charles "Chuck" Yeager became the first person to travel faster than the speed of sound. 1964; Martin Luther King, Jr., was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work in civil rights.

1968; The first live telecast from a staffed U.S. spacecraft was transmitted from Apollo 7. 1990; Composer-conductor Leonard Bernstein died in New York at age 72.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are purposely smaller so that they can be clicked to be seen larger. Try it, you'll like it

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-wife always made sure to include something every day from the four basic food groups: canned, frozen, fast and takeout. 2) I once saw six men beating up my ex-mother-in-law. My neighbor said, "Are you going to help?" I said, "No, six should be enough." 3) So, after my sleepover with the girl with the hairy legs, I caught a disease from kissing her pet bird. It's call Chirpes. It's a canareal disease, but it's tweetable.

4) I once visited the Central Park Zoo in New York City and they displayed the name of the animal with it's Latin name underneath. Where I come from, they have the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.  5) I tried out one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses. The salesgirl asked me if I had ever slept on one before and I said yes. She asked me what my sleep position was and I said, "Normally, it's missionary.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 14th: Don't be discouraged with recent politics and speeches. There's more important things to worry about this weekend, if you know what I mean. Buy those shoes you were thinking about. While you're at it, buy some odor eaters for the shoes, as well, there have been too many dogs following you around. Chance of romance is 65 percent provided you buy those odor eaters. If not, plan on renting a movie.

Birthdays: James II, king of England, Scotland and Ireland 1633, William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 1644, Elwood Haynes, inventor 1857, Dwight D. Eisenhower, American general and 34th President of the United States 1890, Lillian Gish, actress 1893, e. e. cummings, poet 1894, William Edwards Deming, management consultant 1900, Hannah Arendt, political theorist, 1906, Roger Moore, actor 1927, Ralph Lauren, fashion designer 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. After getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.

Again from the above, the voice bellowed, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "There Are No Fish Under The Ice!!." She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice Skating Rink Manager...."

Two women were gossiping at bus stop and one woman says to the other, "You know, Martha's husband drinks a six pack of beer every Sunday while he's watching football. I think he's got a "problem."

A drunk sitting on the bus bench next to them, turns and says, "Hey lady, drinking a six pack of beer on a Sunday afternoon is not a problem. A problem is waking up naked chained to a goat."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy....."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat and then Daddy....."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing and laying down on the seat.

Then Little Johnny says, ".....then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little catbirds. Remember, The Law of Probable Dispersal states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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What Would You Have Done?

Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson is being attacked by the liberal media for saying he would have been more aggressive in confronting the Oregon shooter. Me too! Is there another logical answer? He was asked what he would have done and he answered.

In an interview, Carson said, "I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, 'Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all'." 

They (the media) say that his statement implied that the Oregon shooting victims didn't do enough to save themselves. Carson did not say or imply that. 

One person did fight back.....Army veteran Chris Mintz. The perpetrator (I will not glorify the asshole by using his name) shot Mintz seven times. Mintz survived, but is still recovering from his wounds.

Carson also criticized Obama for saying last week that shootings should be politicized so that politicians will actually take action to address gun violence.

Carson said, "When do we get to the point where we have people who actually want to solve our problems rather than just politicize everything? I think that’s what the American people are so sick and tired of."

I happen to agree. with Dr. Carson. If Obama is really intent on stopping the gun violence, let him begin in his (gun free zone) home town of Chicago where murders happen every week without fanfare or national mention.

The News As I See It: House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner’s replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself "unfit" for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Whew! Just in time for Lakers season.

Ultimate fighting champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber's funeral is tomorrow.

This Date In History: 1492; Columbus landed in present-day Bahamas. 1870; Gen. Robert E. Lee died in Lexington, Va., at age 63. 1960; Soviet premier Nikita Krushchev created a disturbance at the U.N. General Assembly by pounding his desk with his shoe.

1964; The Soviets launched Voskhod I, the first space capsule to carry three people into orbit. 1999; NBA Hall-of-Famer Wilt Chamberlain died at his Bel Air home at age 63.

2000; 17 U.S. sailors killed with the terrorist attack on the USS Cole in Yemen. 2002; A bomb destroyed a nightclub in Bali, killing 202, mostly tourists.

Picture Of The Day: Representative Kevin McCarthy declined the position of Speaker of The House saying he was not the man for the job. He was lauded by fellow republicans for thinking of the party.

The reality is he could not muster enough votes to reach the necessary 218 figure to gain the position. Oh.....that and the fact of the rumors of an affair with a fellow congresswoman.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm always frank and earnest with women. In Las Vegas, I'm Frank and in New York, I'm Ernest. 2) Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 on bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. 3) I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened the box, and sure enough... 4) A younger man may know the rules but the older man knows the exceptions.  5) My girlfriend had to give up jogging for her health. Her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 12th: Someone will attempt to lead you into temptation tonight. Resist! You can find temptation all by yourself and at half the cost. A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.

Birthdays: Elmer Ambrose Sperry, inventor 1860, Samuel Elmer Imes, chemist, physicist 1883, Ann Petry, novelist 1908, Luciano Pavarotti, Italian tenor 1935, Hugh Jackman, actor 1968, Charlie Ward, football and basketball player 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said, "Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!"

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. The parrot said, "Hey, lady!" The woman said, "Yes?" The parrot said, "You know...."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your big fat ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There were three boys all in seventh grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a Southern boy. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea.

He said, "I know, we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'." The southern boy asked, "How do you play that?" The Spanish boy said, "It's easy. We can play it next recess."

When recess time came, the three boys went outside. The Spanish boy said, "Alright, Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner.

So the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's.

As the Southern boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the Southern boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?" The boy said, "Yep! I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a Southerner."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running, reaches the edge and into the wind he goes!

Meanwhile, his Ma and Pa were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Ma spots the biggest bird she ever seen! Ma says, "Pa, look at the size of that bird!"

Pa gets up and grabs his 12 gauge shotgun. He takes careful aim and.....Boom! Boom! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

Ma says, "Pa, I think ya missed him. Pa replies, "Yeah, but at least he let go of Bubba!"

That's it for today, my little dolly llamas. Remember, a word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones that need the advice.

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More on Wednesday.

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Steppin' Out

I remember when everyone "dressed" to go out to dinner and socialize on a weekend night. A sports coat or dress shirt and jeans are my choices, but people seem to be happy in shorts, t-shirt, a baseball hat and flip flops.

While I am not averse to casual dress for fast food places or sports bars, when I go out at night, I figure that the better you dress, the better you look. Perhaps the most important reason to dress is how it makes you feel.

In school, back in the day, few people wore sneakers. Those that did were usually "economically challenged." No one ever mentioned anything about the kid in sneakers as most of us were just thankful to have "dress" pants and "dress" shoes.

Yeah, the styles have changed, but I'm from the old school. I like to dress when I go out.....

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against Obama's Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP. That's weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, "Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don't stop . . ."

Hillary's 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser in New York City. Hillary's official birthday theme is "revenge."

Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday this week. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.

This Date In History: 1635; Religious dissident and Rhode Island founder, Roger Williams, was banished from the Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1888; For the first time the public was admitted to the Washington Monument.

1930; Aviator Laura Ingalls became the first woman to make a solo transcontinental flight across the United States. 1967; Che Guevara was executed in Bolivia.

1975; Soviet scientist Andrei Sakharov was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his work to end the nuclear arms race.

Picture Of The Day: Yep......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Caterpallor is defined as the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating. 2) If you die in an elevator, remember to push the Up button. 3) I'm starting to make the same noises that my coffee maker does. 4) Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around. 5) Despite their other contributions to our society, lawyers are still a great source of protein..... and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - 9th: Today's date is an omen but I wouldn't fret about it. Go out and have a good time. Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms. You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes and you will learn a lot today.

Birthdays: Camille Saint-Saens, composer 1835, Bruce Catton, historian 1899, John Lennon, singer, guitarist, songwriter 1940, Trent Lott, politician 1941, Jody Williams, activist 1950, Tony Shalhoub, actor 1953, Scott Bakula, actor, TV producer 1954, Annika Sorenstam, golfer 1970, Steve Burns, actor, musician 1973, Brandon Routh, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

The little boy asked, "Mommy, what are all those ladies doing?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work."

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?" His mother answered, "They become cab drivers."

A man left work one Friday afternoon but, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the whole weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When He finally got home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was berated for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough so that he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

"A cheap red stripped tie with that suit? Really, Barry?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Jose and Carlos panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home about $100 a day, drives a Mercedes and lives in a big house.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but you bring home $100 a day. How's that?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 to 3 dollars a day."

Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

A man is shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten long years. One day he sees a ship on the horizon and starts waving his arms until the ship heads for the shore The captain of the ship and the man began talking, "I thought I'd never get rescued."

The captain asked, "How long have you been here?" The man replied, "Ten years." The captain asked, "How have you coped with all that time alone?" The man answered, "Well I'm a very resourceful fellow. I built a house, learned to hunt and fish."

The captain said, "But ten years without sex?" The man replied, "Not completely. About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich with it's head in the sand. I crept up behind it and....."

The captain gasped, "Oh you poor man, that must have been horrible." The man replied, "Well it was fine for the first five miles, but then we got out of step."

That's it for today, my little collie flowers. Remember, eat your spinach and you'll grow up big and strong like Popeye. The down side is that you'll also end up with a girlfriend that looks like Olive Oyl. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Have a terrific weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !