Gypsys, Tramps And Thieves

I'm getting fed up with listening to politicians and celebrities' various "apology" press conferences after they've done things for which the average citizen would be crucified, both financially and socially. Specifically, I refer to the various illegal activities and those always steamy extra-marital affairs that even the average person would think twice about before getting involved.

One would think that being in the public spotlight would give one the idea that engaging in illegal activities or flings would not be a good idea given the circumstances. I mean if you've got contracts worth millions of dollars, would it be wise to risk that for something like dog fighting or bedding some bimbo whore? Yet in never seems to fail that there is always some bonehead who gets caught with his "pants on the ground" and then watches as his personal and financial life goes down the porcelain receptacle (that's "toilet" for the hard of understanding).

The average person sometimes gets involved in scenarios like this as well, but the risk versus loss is not as great as one who has already made it to the top. Aside from the fact that it is immoral or illegal, just the financial loss itself would certainly make a smart person consider the risk before committing oneself. Of course, the key word being "smart person."

A minor error or an "honest mistake" are instances where consideration for pardon is justified. Blatant disregard for others with the knowledge that one can probably get away with it with a few "I'm sorrys" is not acceptable to me. As far as I'm concerned, they've made their beds, now they have to lie in them.....

The News As I See It: Presidents' Day, a day that America celebrated presidential history by enjoying a great deal on mattresses. Film director Kevin Smith (pictured left) tried to fly on Southwest Airlines and was taken off for being too heavy. They patched it up and invited him to join the "Mile-Wide Club." Let’s just say Fat Tuesday for Kevin Smith is just "Tuesday."

A 73-year-old-man in Florida who has been charged with robbing the same bank three times. In his defense, he actually only robbed the bank once, he just went back twice to use the bathroom. The "Wolfman" movie just opened. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California.

Tiger Woods is scheduled to have a press conference Friday at 11:00. I can't wait to hear what shuck and jive explanations he's going to come up with for the incredible amount of times he has made a "hole-in-someone." I've got a feeling that he's going to be more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

This Date In History: 1600; Italian philospher, alchemist, and Copernican theory advocate Giordano Bruno was burned at the stake for heresy by the Inquisition. 1801; The electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr was broken by the House of Representatives who elected Jefferson president. 1817; Baltimore became the first U.S. city lit by gas.

1864; The Confederate submarine Hunley, equipped with an explosive at the end of a protruding spar, rammed and sank the Union's ship Housatonic off the coast of Charleston, S.C. 1904; Puccini's opera Madama Butterfly premiered in Milan. 1972; President Richard Nixon left on his trip to China. 1996; Chess champion Garry Kasparov beat the IBM computer, Deep Blue, winning the six-game match.

Picture Of The Day: Fun with the presidents, past and present. I'm not saying there were all morons, thieves, crooks and liars, but there damned sure are a lot who are suspect!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Many people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone. 2) Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain. 3) If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday? 4) Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?" 5) If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Arcangelo Corelli, composer and violinist 1653, Samuel Sidney McClure, editor and publisher 1857, Thomas John Watson, Sr., industrialist and philanthropist 1874, Jim Brown, football player 1936, Michael Jordan, basketball player 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff." Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday and asked, "To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?" The old woman said, "Well, I've always eaten moderately, worked hard and I don't smoke or drink." The reporter asked, "Have you ever been bedridden?" The old woman replied, "Well, sure, but don't put that in your paper."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Garnett, Robin and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend, "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says, "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. We think you have a medical syndrome but we couldn't agree on what ailment you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was a fart........ But I was wrong, too!"

Little Johnny was walking down the sidewalk one day and an old man was sitting on his front porch rocking back and forth in his rocking chair. The old man said, "Whatcha got there son?" Johnny said, "Got me some chicken wire." The old man said, "Whatcha gonna do with that chicken wire son?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some chickens!" The old man said, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and walked on down the street.

About a half hour later, Johnny came back passing the old man's front porch with 3 chickens entangled in the chicken wire! The old man was shocked and couldn't believe his eyes.

About a half hour later, Johnny was again walking past the old man's porch. The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some duct tape." The old man said, "And whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?" Johnny said, "Gonna catch me some ducks!" The old man said, "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and kept on walking.

About a half hour later, back comes Johnny with 3 ducks tangled in the duct tape. Again, the old man rubbed his eyes in disbelief. About a half hour later, Johnny again was passing the porch.

The old man asked, "Whatcha got now son?" Johnny said, "Got me some pussy willow." The old man said, "Wait right there while I get my shoes!"

That's it for today my little quackers. Remember, tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were. I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour! More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !