Howdy Doody And Other Bodily Functions

I was hardly surprised at the number of emails I received about Monday's rant about asparagus and liver. It seems that others have had to suffer through the cruel and inhumane dish, as well. The only saving factor and main reason I didn't run away from home was that if you finished eating dinner, the reward of dessert was usually one of my favorites.

I remember my mom saying, "Eat your vegetables, they're good for you. I said, "I don't like 'em!" Mom said, "Well, they like you!" I said, "Yeah, that's because I don't eat them!" Hey, all she was saying, is give peas a chance.....

Footnotes added to presidential biographies on the White House Web site that connect past presidents’ achievements to President Obama’s initiatives incited controversy Tuesday in conservative circles online over how far the Obama administration would go to promote its policies.

Rory Cooper was searching for a detail about Calvin Coolidge, when he stumbled upon something unusual — a footnote likening Coolidge’s first public radio address to Obama’s use of technology in social media to engage the public.

He posted his observation in a message on Twitter, and it was quickly picked up by conservatives, who used the hashtag #ObamaInHistory to mock the White House for plugging its policies on the biography pages of every president since Coolidge, except Gerald R. Ford.

The footnote in the Coolidge biography seems mundane. But others broach more contentious subjects, like one in Mr. Reagan’s biography that mentioned his call for a fairer tax code with Obama’s push for the Buffett Rule, and another connecting Johnson’s signing of Medicare to Obama’s health care law.

The Buffett Rule, which calls for higher taxes on higher incomes, has stalled in the Senate under the weight of Republican opposition and the health care overhaul, which became law in 2010 after intense debate and a summer of protests, is under review in the Supreme Court.

Philip Klein, an editorial writer at The Washington Examiner, wrote that the White House had trespassed on what should be neutral ground, something that liberals would not have tolerated under President Bush. He added: "Obama should get beyond his own narcissism and realize that, win or lose in November, he’s just a temporary part of something that’s bigger than himself."

Hey, what do you expect from a president who has developed a bad shoulder from patting himself on the back? I'm looking forward to the sequel "Obama Footnotes to the Bible".

The News As I See It: Mitt Romney has jumped to a seven-point lead over President Obama in a national poll. I think Romney's starting to get cocky. Today he threatened to pin down Joe O'Biden and pull out all of his hair plugs.

Obama was in Nevada last weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service, a place in America where prostitution is legal.

JPMorgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers. You know who the real J.P. Morgan is? He's Captain Morgan's drunk brother who's bad with money.

NBC recently unveiled their new fall schedule. The biggest surprise? NBC is going to be back in the fall.

Chef Gordon Ramsay was on the Jimmy Fallon show last week. They thought he burned something when they saw smoke backstage, but then they remembered they also had Willie Nelson on the show.

Investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock this week for the first time ever. It’s great! Now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.

Last Saturday, Obama and Joe O'Biden spent more than four hours playing golf together. O'Biden’s handicap is 20, while Obama’s handicap is Joe O'Biden.

The New Jersey tanning mom says she wants to pose nude for Playboy magazine. Playboy says they're looking for women who are hot, not burnt orange.

The Octomom has finished her porn movie. The producers saved a lot of time on the credits because nobody wanted any.

This Date In History: 1770; Marie Antoinette married the future King Louis XVI of France. 1868; The first ballot on one of 11 articles of impeachment in the U.S. Senate failed to convict President Andrew Johnson.

1929; The first Academy Awards were given on this night. The term, Oscars, was not used to describe the statuettes given to actors and actresses until 1931. 1946; The Irving Berlin musical, "Annie Get Your Gun", opened on Broadway.

1975; Japanese climber Junko Tabei became the first woman to summit Mount Everest. 1991; Queen Elizabeth II became the first British monarch to address the United States Congress.

1997; President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire ended 32 years of autocratic rule when rebel forces led by Laurent Kabila expelled him from the country.

Picture Of The Day: The name is the job? This should be easy my little turtle doves......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. 2) If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun. 3) Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4) Don't let your ego get the best of you if you're told you have a heart of gold. So does a hard-boiled egg. 5) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 16th: Keep in mind that married men live longer than single men. That fact notwithstanding, also bear in mind that married men are a lot more willing to die. Take a chance on the lottery this week and it may prove fruitful. Chance of romance is 81.06 percent if you're single and 60.18 percent if you're married. Why is that? I don't know, it just is.....

Birthdays: William Seward, American statesman 1801, Elizabeth Palmer Peabody, educator, lecturer, and reformer 1804, Henry Fonda, actor 1905, Liberace, pianist 1919, Betty Carter, jazz and blues singer 1930, Olga Korbut, gymnast 1955, Tori Spelling, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A completely drunk man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and placed his hand on her leg. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

The woman screamed, "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" The drunk muttered, "Hey, you even sound like her."

A sign posted at a golf club:

1) Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2) Form a loose grip. 3) Keep your head down! 4) Avoid a quick back swing. 5) Stay out of the water. 6) Try not to hit anyone. 7) If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you. 8) Don't stand directly in front of others. 9) Quiet please, while others are preparing. 10) Don't take extra strokes.

Well done! Now, flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

At the end of the 2011 tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.  While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" The CFO replied, "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

The auditor, disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer, went on in an obnoxious way. He said, "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast?" The CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him, replied, "Ah, yes. We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often, they will send us a free bag of plaster."

The auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO, went on, "I see. Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" The CFO answered, "Here, too, we do not waste. What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office and about once a year, they send us a complete dick."

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.

The Scotsman said, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."

The Englishman said, "At my local pub, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

The Irishman said, "That's nothing! Back home in Dublin, we have Ryan's Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. The Englishman said, "Did this actually happen to you." The Irishman replied, "Well, not myself personally, but it did happen to my sister."

That's it for today, my little tiger lilies. Remember, hold close the people you care most about in life. They are sometimes taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. It's about time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !