Of The Twelve Opossums, The Worst Was Judas Asparagus

I was mostly a meat and potatoes as a kid, but over the years, I have added many previously excluded vegetables into my diet....with the exception of asparagus. This questionable food, along with liver, should only be fed to prisoners and captured terrorists.

As a matter of fact, if liver and asparagus were known to be served to this element if captured, terrorism and crime would be reduced by fifty percent. The only thing that would reduce terrorism and crime more would be a threatened sexual encounter with Nancy Pelosi, but I digress.

I have learned to prepare and enjoy spinach, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower and more. For the most part, I was served interesting and tasty dishes by several of my lady friends and I soon realized what I had been missing. Moreover, the  vegetables were good too.

But there is nothing that can be done to either asparagus or liver that pleases me, other than giving my allotted portion to someone that I dislike. Maybe one day I will stumble upon a recipe for these foods that I can enjoy. Then again, probably not.....

Two sticks of asparagus are walking down the street. One gets hit by a car and is rushed to the hospital. After performing surgery, the doctor comes out and tells the other asparagus, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, your friend will live. The bad news is, he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

The News As I See It: According to Danish researchers, people who jog live six years longer than non-joggers. Personally, I'm ok with dying early and missing that six years of jogging.

Obama says he supports same-sex marriage. Not only that but he's going to turn his birth certificate into a musical.

My question with same sex couples is who drives, who nags? Who says let's order dessert and who says I'll just have one bite?

A new survey found that the best time to post something on Facebook is on Wednesdays between 1 p.m. and 4 p.m. while the best time to post something on MySpace is between January and December.

This Date In History: 1796; Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine to 8-year-old James Phipps. 1804; The Lewis and Clark expedition set out from St. Louis. 1904; The Olympic Games were held in the United States for the first time, in St. Louis, Missouri.

1948; British rule in Palestine came to an end as The Jewish National Council proclaimed the State of Israel. Within hours, Israel was under attack from Arab forces. 1955; The Warsaw Pact was signed by the Soviet Union and seven other Communist bloc countries. It finally dissolved in 1991.

1973; Skylab, the United States’ first space station, was launched into orbit. 1998; Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.

Picture Of The Day: My shopping trip for fruits and vegetables produced some rare and unusual items. Then again, maybe it was just a dream......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 2) They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. It's true! My friend in California told me that the night before that last earthquake hit, their family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. 3) Mexicans drive lowriders so they won’t have to get out of the car to pick tomatoes. 4) Two cows were grazing on the side of a hill and one turned to the other and said, "Mooo." The other cow replied, "Damn, I was just going to say that." 5) I went to an attractive female doctor last week for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 14th: Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm not saying to try anything dangerous, but you can take a chance on liver and asparagus. Chance of romance is 62.38 percent but a lot less if you have liver and asparagus breath.

Birthdays: Thomas Gainsborough, painter 1727, Robert Owen, social reformer 1771, Otto Klemperer, conductor 1885, George Lucas, American film director and producer 1944, David Byrne, musician 1952, Cate Blanchett, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The middle aged woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He thinks, "This is my lucky day" and gives it his all on the kitchen table. He says afterwards, "What was that all about?" She says, "The egg timer's broken."

Murray passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Edna, turned to her oldest friend Rachel and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Rachel, who lowered her voice, leaned in close and replied, "I'm sure you're right. How much did this really cost?"

Edna said, "All of it. Thirty thousand dollars." Rachel exclaimed, "Your kidding?! I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Edna answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" Edna replied, "Two and a half carats."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

Dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. Dad says, "Son, where were you today?" The son says, "At school, dad." Robot slaps the son!

The son says, "Ok, I watched a DVD at my friend' house!" The father asks, "Which DVD?" The son says, "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again!

The son says, "Ok, it was a porno" The father says, "What!? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!" The robot slaps the Dad!

Mom laughs, "Ha Ha Ha! You can certainly see that he's your son." Robot slaps the mom.....!

Wu Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Wu Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later, Wu Chow calls again and says, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

That's it for today, my little road runners. Remember, burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !