A Dark Night

The recent tragedy in Aurora, Colorado left me with a profound emptiness. The senselessness of it all has affected all of America and my heart goes out to the victims and their families in their time of need. There are some who will rush to call for the banning of guns and, to a degree, I would be in favor of banning the sale of assault weapons.

These bans, however, have never and will never keep arms and ammunition away from those people who commit these kind of crimes. They have never stopped criminals in the past and a ban will not stop them now.

As for the low life who committed this cowardly act, the insanity defense will certainly be a tool they will turn to. Personally, I would give him the death penalty. For those who say he didn't know what he was doing and is therefore insane, I assure you that if that happens to be true, he will be blissfully unaware as I execute him. 

There are those who have said that women could not become president or hold high office because their judgement may become impaired at certain times of the month. I'm not sure of the scientific validity of those thoughts, but if that's the case, I definitely would not qualify either. I have testicles and my judgement becomes impaired several times a day.

The News As I See It: Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke told a congressional committee the economic recovery is weakening. The good news is most Americans will not be affected because they had no idea there was a recovery.

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists it has something to do with breast implants. It's not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

Obama said 1992’s Olympic dream team was better than this year’s Olympic basketball team. That's interesting because a lot of people think 1992’s president is better than this year’s president.

A new study claims that for the first time ever, Canadians are wealthier than Americans. as it turns out, we are now their Mexico.

This Date In History: 1829; William Burt patented a forerunner of the typewriter. 1885; Ulysses S. Grant, the 18th president of the United States, died at Mount McGregor, New York, at age 63.

1914; Austria and Hungary issued an ultimatum to Serbia after the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, precipitating World War I. 1945; Vichy government leader Marshal Henri Petain went on trial for treason.

1952; Revolution erupted in Egypt as the military took power in a bloodless coup. The following year the monarchy was abolished and, for the first time since the pharaohs, Egypt was again ruled by Egyptians. 1995; The Hale-Bopp comet was discovered by Alan Hale and Thomas Bopp.

Picture Of The Day: The violence and bloodshed from Mexican drug cartels continue. The new national stamp of Mexico.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Black Angus employees must always on high alert in case that the "g" goes out on the neon sign. 2) I like my coffee like I like my women - sent back for not being hot enough. 3) When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 4) In Hawaiian, they say it takes over five words to say "I love you." All it takes for me is a pineapple and twenty dollars. 5) My skydiving friend asked if I knew how high he has to be when he jumps. I told him I didn't know but three days of steady drinking ought to do it.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 23rd: Wake up in a trash container again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go out and have a beer. You have many more years ahead of you. Today will be much better and even if you wake up in the trash bin again, the food will be fresher. Chance of romance is 57.12 percent if you're able to navigate home safely.

Birthdays: Jane Long, early settler in Texas 1798, Raymond Chandler, author 1888, Haile Selassie, emperor of Ethiopia (1930–74) 1892, Anthony McLeod Kennedy, associate justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Last summer, John met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

John said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I eat, sleep, think and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." The woman says, "Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker."

John was quiet for a moment, then he replied, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your left wrist straight on your follow-through."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "My darling, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, I would like a Martuni." The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp. Once again, the lady said, "Barbender, I would like another Martuni". Again the bartender brought her a Martini.

By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, "Barbender, your Martunis are giving me heartburn." Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martuni, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."

Two guys from New Orleans were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off hunting, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

God continued, "She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.....

That's it for today, my little artichokes. Remember, anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !