John Garnett Is Alive And Well

For those of you who have asked me about John Garnett, I'm pleased to tell you that he's alive and well and living in Pennsylvania (hey, two out of three ain't bad). I spoke to Johnny G yesterday and he gave his computer to a family member because theirs was broken.

In the interim, John said that he found he was spending way too much time on the computer and is now doing more things outside the his home, both physically and socially.

John lost his wife Debbie about three years ago and has been a bit down since then, which is understandable. He recently decided to try to let go of the past and move on, which, in my opinion, is a healthy and necessary choice.

I made sure to tell Johnny G that everyone has been asking about him and that we miss hearing from him. Johnny G sends his thanks and love to all his friends and hopes to be back online as soon as he resolves his computer situation.

The News As I See It: Jobless claims rose again by 35,000 last week. Not good, but it does show that if you're unsuccessful in this country, you didn't do it on your own. You had help. Thank you, Obama.

Officials in Connecticut found two goats and 25 chickens living in an apartment. It was really confusing because only the goats were on the lease.

John Sununu is in hot water for saying that, "I wish president Obama would learn how to be an American." Well, that's kind of insulting, don't you think? Obama spends money he doesn't have. He loves to skip work and play golf. He sneaks away from his wife to smoke cigarettes and eat fatty foods. What is more American than that?

A group of Burger King employees have been fired for taking a photo of themselves with their feet in the restaurant's lettuce. A spokesman for Burger King says, “Great, there goes our secret recipe."

The United States Postal Service is about to default on $5.5 billion. They made the payment but the check got lost in the mail.

The Obama administration has reportedly told Syrian rebels that they can't help them until after the election. At least the administration is consistent. That's the same thing they've been telling us, "Can't help you until after the election."

7-eleven stores in Singapore debuted a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser. This means the Indonesians are pulling ahead of us in the cholesterol race. This is serious. We may have to raise our threat level to defcon bacon.

There's a new slow-moving storm in the pacific called hurricane Fabio. Meteorologists expect hurricane Fabio to touch the coastline, caress it softly, and then whisper, "I can't believe it's not butter."

A new study found that Facebook games can cause kids to develop gambling problems. That is not good. I'd hate to see a kid's gambling addiction get in the way of his Facebook addiction.

Harry Reid and other members of congress, they're just furious over this Olympic uniform deal. He says we should burn the uniforms, and it's an embarrassment and a disgrace. Not as embarrassing as congress constantly borrowing money from the Chinese, but still embarrassing.

Obama recently announced that he created a new job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Maryland, on his new job, making charts illustrating Obama's downward spiraling approval ratings.

This Date In History: 1810; Colombia declared independence from Spain. 1881; Fugitive Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull surrendered to federal troops. 1951; King Abdullah I of Jordan was assassinated.

1960; Sirima Bandaranaike of Sri Lanka (then Ceylon) became the world's first woman prime minister. 1969; Astronaut Neil A. Armstrong was the first man to walk on the Moon.

1985; Treasure hunters found the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora de Atocha, which sank off the coast of Key West, Florida, in 1622 during a hurricane. The ship contained over $400 million in coins and silver ingots.

Picture Of The Day: The best of us sometimes need to hide in plain sight.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My uncle used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got him fired. 2) The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to lie on it. 3) I had amnesia once - maybe twice. 4) At the end of a letter I like to write, "P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated." 5) It seems that every athlete wants to have their face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Jimmy and Pop".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 20th: An old friend from your childhood will make contact with you in the coming weeks. Keep that in mind as you recount some of your funniest childhood pranks on Facebook.....and tie your damned shoes! Chance of romance is rather bleak today coming in at 14.81 percent. Don't fret, the weekend looks promising!

Birthdays: My pals Jackie and Sandra - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, Petrarch, poet and humanist 1304, Sir Edmund Hillary, New Zealand mountain climber and explorer 1919, Elliot Lee Richardson, government official 1920, Cormac McCarthy, novelist 1933, Natalie Wood, actress 1938, Carlos Santana musician 1947.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A father bought a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. He decided to test it out on his son at supper table. The father asked the son, "Where were you last night?" His son replied, "I was at the library." The robot slapped the son who fessed up, "OK, I was at a friend's house, watching a movie."

The father asked, "What movie were you watching?  The kid answered, "Toy Story." The robot slapped the son again. The son cried out, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn!"

The father yelled, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was." The robot slapped the father. The mother laughed and said, "He certainly is your son." The robot slapped the mother.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Sister Jeanne and my always reliable pal Wally for their contributions to today's stories.

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores. Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well he's pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

Little Johnny asks, "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" His mother says, "I saw you kick the chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little Johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy declared, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny responded, "No, he's not!" Billy said, "My brother is better than you brother!" Johnny said, "He is not! He is not!"

Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!" A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once.

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny." The Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?"

The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said "Well, that's good, 'cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little cotton balls. Remember, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I'm going to a new AREA 51 place tonight that I occasionally frequent. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !