Have You Ever Wondered.....?

I find that life is sometimes nothing more than a series of unanswered questions. For example, If I happen to crack corn and no one cares, then why is there a song about me? What are those heads about on Easter Island? If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make the sound? Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies?

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder, how does a shepherd count his sheep without falling asleep? Is it legal for your parrot to testify against you in court? Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night. Did Brylcreem possibly lie to us years ago when they said a little dab will do you? What do people in China call their good plates?

You see, it's not always politics, the economy or being politically correct. Sometimes more pressing questions surface and leave you wondering, do married people live longer than single ones or does it just seem longer? Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets and what would Geronimo have shouted if he ever jumped from an airplane? 

Yes, my little peanut butter cups, sometimes we're just left wondering if fat people go skinny dipping or do they just chunky dunk?

The News As I See It: It looks like designer Ralph Lauren is trying to calm the controversy over the fact that those Olympic uniforms they produced were made in China. He now says the uniforms they make for the 2014 winter Olympics will be made right here in the USA using our own good old fashioned illegal immigrants.

Mitt Romney is close to announcing his running mate. Apparently Romney wants a female with a strong stage presence and the free time to campaign, so I'm guessing Steven Tyler.

During the recent USA-Brazil basketball game, Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. Then, everyone was like, "quick, put him on the fix the economy cam!"

The big news in Washington is the disappearance of Congressman Jesse Jackson, Jr. Nobody can find him. He's completely disappeared. People think he's either in rehab or he might have been given his own show on CNN.

According to a new report, the average Canadian is now richer than the average American. This is bad news for Americans and worse news for those Mexicans who now have to tunnel all the way to Canada.

Katie Holmes' car was hit by a garbage truck. Cops are looking for the driver of the truck who is believed to be Tom Cruise. They weren't positive because they couldn’t see him over the steering wheel.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un is like 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend....a stunning, lovely girlfriend. They met through the North Korean dating service Match.commie.

A new poll found that 54 percent of Florida voters think the country is on the wrong track under Obama while the rest of Florida’s voters still think Teddy Roosevelt is president.

Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

Fifty Shades of Grey, the popular book, has caused more hysteria among middle-aged women than an Ann Taylor clearance sale.

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them. 1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began.

1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act. 1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Easter Island Statues have bodies. Who knew? The Stone Statues in Easter Island have bodies! This is absolutely incredible. Here we've been thinking for all these years that they were just heads. What really blows my mind is that nobody thought to dig around them before.

They are going to be absolutely huge when they are completely excavated. It all just adds to the mystery of these amazing sculptures. Maybe now they can get more information about them seeing as they have writings on them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 2) They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken. 3) How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "Bingo!" 4) The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 5) Teach your child to be polite and courteous and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto the expressway.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: You can test yourself today by attempting to abstain from gratuitous sex. Wednesday will be a good day for you this month, but which Wednesday in particular is up to you. Of course you realize that your chance of romance is 01.83 percent if you decide to abstain. Then again, Tuesdays are usually a pretty good day.

Birthdays: My father, James Sr - Happy Birthday Dad! 1911, Robert Hooke, physicist, mathematician, and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus.....so shut up."

One morning a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby." The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied "I am, that bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him."

The woman said, "You're right sir I think I will report him." The old man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Regina and Wally for their contributions to today's stories/

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obamacare. The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the asshole(s) in Washington.

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

That's it for today, my little hula hoops. Remember, a liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !