Preparing For New Year's Eve Parties

Preparations are beginning for New Years Eve parties and I'm trying to figure a way to attend them without any incidents so drinking and driving is out of the question. Last year, I was out with a few friends and after several scotches, I knew I was wasted. So, I did something I've never done before.

Believe it or not, I took a bus home. Yep, a bus. I arrived home safely and without incident. I was kind of surprised since I've never driven a bus before. What made matters worse was all that stopping and starting for passengers. None of them had the correct change.

A few of them were pissed because they had to spend the night at my house but they got over it when I explained that the last New Year's Eve party, I took a plane home and I don't even have a pilot's license. What made matters worse was I was headed to New York but I confused La Guardia with Guadalajara. I bought serapes for everyone so it turned out okay. 

The News As I See It: Eric Boswell, Charlene Lamb and Raymond Maxwell, Barry Obama's fall guys for the Benghazi massacre and subsequent pre-election cover-up, are still on the payroll after being relieved of, or resigning from, their state department posts in the Benghazi tragedy. In the interim, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton evidently is still suffering from the "Benghazi Flu" and has not been heard from.

The State of Kentucky has terminated confederate pensions effective this year. When questioned about this move, 154-year-old Confederate veteran Elijah Johnson lamented that this would severely restrict and harm his standard of living.
 

This Date In History: 1065; Westminster Abbey consecrated. 1832; John C. Calhoun became the first vice president in U.S. history to resign from office. 1846; Iowa became the 29th state in the United States.

1869; William F. Semple patented chewing gum. 1895; The Lumiere Brothers gave the first commercial movie show at the Grand Cafe in Paris. 1937; Composer Maurice Ravel died in Paris at age 62.

1945; Congress officially recognized the Pledge of Allegiance. 1981; Elizabeth Jordan Carr, the first American test-tube baby, was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

Picture Of The Day: Remember.....

Every breath you take, every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm usually one of the first to jump to confusion. 2) Women forgive and forget but always make sure you don’t forget that they forgave and forgot. 3) If I had a nickname, I would like the name "Lefty". It wouldn't make much sense since I'm right-handed, but I've never heard of anyone nicknamed "Righty." 4) The term "politically correct" is a useless theorem that allows the rights of a few to trample the rights of many. It should only be used when describing ugly babies and ugly people. 5) They say you should test your fire alarm once a month. I try but it's costing me a fortune in houses.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 28th: Don't trust little birdies, they're renowned liars. Love will no longer be just another four-letter-word to you today as you will start to understand why birds suddenly appear every time someone you care for comes near. That notwithstanding, buzzards are not an integral part of the picture.

Birthdays: Eliza Lucas Pinckney, horticulturist 1722, Woodrow Wilson, 28th President of the United States 1856, Earl "Fatha" Hines, jazz pianist 1903, Stan Lee, writer, editor 1922, Simon Raven, writer 1927, Manuel Puig, novelist 1932, Dame Maggie Smith, actress 1934, Denzel Washington, actor 1954, Ray Bourque, hockey player 1960, Linus Torvalds, computer scientist 1969, John Legend, singer, songwriter, pianist 1978.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married fifty years and there's something I have to know. In all of these fifty years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these fifty years, but always for a good reason." Henry asked, "Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reason'?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha said, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge." Henry said, "I recall that and you did it to save my life so, of course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

Martha said, "Alright. Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 73 more votes?"

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a woman with a particularly large diamond ring. As he admired the ring, the bartender came over and said, "That woman is wearing the Glopman diamond. It's beautiful, but it comes with a curse." The man asked, "What's the curse?" The bartender replied, "Mrs. Glopman."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: From the forlorn love files of Abigail Van Buren, author of Dear Abby.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. It's the usual signs. The phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Worried Sick in Indiana

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of the drunks says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other drunk looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

Some of the most beautiful women in the world use Preparation H on their face which reduces the appearance of bags and wrinkles and works quite well. I tried it under my eyes once and it really does work. I quit using it though because it made me feel like an asshole.

That's it for today, my little wild flowers. Remember, a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !