The Morning After

Slowly but surely, I'm learning that my recovery time after staying out all night is growing longer. The unfortunate part is that I never remember this point during my night out on the town. It is only the next morning when these words return to haunt me.

Nevertheless, I look forward to New Year's Eve because if I've ever learned anything in life, it's the fact that memories of a great night outweigh the ominous clouds of the consequences.

On a sad note actor Jack Klugman, star of the television shows "The Odd Couple" and "Quincy" recently passed away at the age of 90. Rest in peace, Mr. Klugman.

The News As I See It: A week after the Newtown massacre, The Journal News in White Plains, New York, published an interactive Google Map with the names and addresses of gun permit owners in select New York cities. While legal, this is a completely irresponsible use of the Freedom of Information act and the Journal's actions angered me.

My anger turned into glee when a Connecticut lawyer posted the phone number and addresses of the Journal‘s staff, including a Google Maps satellite Image of the Publisher’s home. In Christopher Fountain's blog post, he wrote, "I don’t know whether the Journal’s publisher Janet Hasson is a permit holder herself, but here’s how to find her to ask."

The double irony here is that open data was heralded as a tool of enlightened civic dialog, and has been co-opted for fierce partisanship, bordering on public endangerment. Who says that Bloggers have no impact on social matters? Well done, Mr. Fountain !

This Date In History: 1776; George Washington defeated the Hessians at Trenton. 1865; James H. Nason received a patent for a coffee percolator. 1966; The first Kwanzaa is celebrated. 1972; The 33rd president of the United States, Harry S. Truman, died in Kansas City, Mo.

1985; Zoologist Dian Fossey was found murdered in Rwanda. 1996; JonBenet Ramsey was found murdered in her Boulder, Colo., home. 2004; In the Indian Ocean, a 9.0 magnitude earthquake, the largest in 40 years, triggered a tsunami that ultimately killed more than 280,000.

Picture Of The Day: Proud as a peacock......!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 2) I also got a new shirt and a piece of ass for Christmas. They were both too big. 3) I find it ironic how the colors red, white and blue represent freedom until they're flashing behind you. 4) When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.  5) Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 26th: Old wives tales aren't smutty recollections of sexual conquests. That said, you're doing really well. Keep it up. I know, I know. By "keep it up", I mean continue in the proper direction.

Birthdays: My pals Jennifer, Mary and Yvette - Happy Birthday ladies ! 19XX, Frederick II, Holy Roman emperor 1194, George Dewey, admiral 1837, Mao Zedong, Founder of People's Republic of China 1893, Steve Allen, comedian, actor, author 1921, Carlton Fisk, baseball player 1947, Jared Leto, actor 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older lady, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, which read, "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you." Her husband replied, "I'm taking a dump. What should I do?

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, and he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Susie for her contribution to today's stories.

Ostensibly, a true story submitted by a teacher:

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Some times they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

That's it for today, my little jingle belles. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. The chances of my going to AREA 51 are 50-50 being that I am just beginning to able to feel my toes after my Christmas Eve foray.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !