I'll Be Back !

I like to fish for large mouth bass in the lakes and canals near my house. I release what I catch. Two days ago, I hooked a nice bass and was working it in when I noticed a gator making a beeline for my bass. This irritated me because the gator chased the bass into some bushes and I lost the bass. So did the gator.

I'm not afraid of gators. If you give them room and they give you room, there's rarely any trouble. The problem is that in order to get to the little hole where that big bass lives, I have to wade into the water to get close enough to make a cast.

I'm not afraid of wading into alligator infested waters. I've fished in waters before in the Everglades that was loaded with both bass and gators. I just try to make sure that none of the gators are too big. Mother didn't raise no fool.

Today, I went after the bass again and sure enough, the gator was in the area but he was quiet. I waded over to the bass hole and on my first cast, I hooked the bass again. As I reeled the bass toward me, I didn't see the gator which made me nervous.

Needless to say, I continued to horse the bass toward me as I backed up briskly to shore. Then it happened. About ten feet from shore, I stepped into a hole and fell backwards nearly dropping my rod. As I quickly recovered, I grabbed my rod, but I had lost the bass (again).

As I trudged towards shore, I happened to look across the lake for the gator and there he was. He had climbed up onto the shore to sun himself and I can almost swear he was laughing at me.....

Sad to hear the news that country music legend George Jones passed away at the age of 81. Mr. Jones had five number one hits in five separate decades. Rest In peace George Jones.

The News As I See It: All five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. President Obama said he picked up some ideas for when he builds his. It's going to be called the “Blame George W. Bush Presidential Library.”

The NFL draft is going on now. This is the time when college football players go from being paid under the table to being paid over the table. Manti Te'o, the kid from Notre Dame who had the imaginary girlfriend, will be taken in the first round according to his imaginary agent.

The New York Jets say they will take the best  black athlete available in the draft, which is the same strategy the Kardashian sisters use.

This Date In History: 1607; Colonists land at Cape Henry, Virginia. They would found Jamestown the next month. 1865; John Wilkes Booth, Lincoln’s assassin, was surrounded by federal troops in a barn in Virginia. He was shot and killed, either by the soldiers or by his own hand.

1937; The German Luftwaffe (air force) destroyed the Spanish town of Guernica. 1964; Tanganyika and Zanzibar joined to form Tanzania. 1986; The worst nuclear power plant accident in history occurred at Chernobyl, near Kiev, U.S.S.R.

1994; The first multi-racial elections were held in South Africa. 2000; Vermont Governor Howard Dean signed the nation's first bill allowing same-sex couples to form civil unions.

Picture Of The Day: It's been a strange day, thus strange pictures. Some adages, however, were clearly proven true when Smokey the Bear was photographed by the pooparazzi during an untimely, private moment.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. I like happy endings. 2) I think running in front of cars is some sort of gang initiation for squirrels. 3) If you play a game with your girlfriend where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with, choose a celebrity and not "Liz from Accounting." 4) If I ever go missing and there's a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking in any gyms. 5) When I ask my girlfriend if she wants sex, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist or something.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - April 26th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look everywhere for it. However, you will discover that temptation itself is not as harmful as running the streets naked shouting, "It's not my fault, I'm looking for temptation!" Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you're gonna need some beholdin' today.

Birthdays: My pals Frantz and Jeannie Happy Birthday 19XX, John James Audubon, American ornithologist 1785, Eugène Delacroix painter 1798, Frederick Law Olmsted landscape architect 1822, Ma Rainey blues musician 1886, I. M. Pei architect 1917, Carol Burnett comedienne 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?" The altar boy said, "Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I do?"

Mabel reached up to her ear, pulled out the suppository and stared at it. Then she said, "I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?" The little boy nodded "yes". The coach said, "so, I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?" The little boy nodded "yes" again.

The coach went on, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass or shithead' is it?" The little boy shook his head "No". The coach said, "Good! Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."

There were two ministers, Johnson and Green, who met each Sunday morning riding to their particular church. They both enjoyed riding the bikes and talking. Then one Sunday, Minister Johnson arrived walking. Minister Green asked, "My what happened to your bike?" Minister Johnson said, "Can you believe that someone in my congregation stole it?"

Mister Green said, "My lord!" Then an idea struck him, "You want to know how to get your bike back? Next Sunday give a fire and brimstone sermon on the Ten Commandments and when you get to the part about 'Thou shall not steal', just look out into the congregation and see who looks guilty."

The next Sunday Minister Johnson comes riding up on his bike. Minister Green says, "Hey I see my suggestion worked." Minister Johnson said, "Well sort of. I was going along real good on the Ten Commandments and when I got to the part about Adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

That's it for today, my little canaries. Remember, "In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." - John Adams. I'll be in AREA 51 for happy hour. Stop by and have a drink.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !