Happy Halloween - 2014 !

Halloween was fun for me as a kid, but it was also a lot of work. Not being overly endowed with money, it was an opportunity for we kids to stock up on enough candy for a month or two. I'm talking one or two large paper grocery bags of candy.

Costumes? No one bought costumes. We made our own. The options were to take an old sheet, cut two eye holes in it and be a ghost or take a fishing cork, burn it and use the smut to dirty and blacken our faces and be a hobo. Some of our more creative buddies might get a helmet and be a football player, but that was a bout it.

No one wore any creative masks. We would go down to the local Mom and Pop grocery store and buy a Lone Ranger mask. The mask usually lasted about thirty minutes before the elastic broke.

We covered a lot of ground on Halloween, not wasting any time doing foolish, time consuming pranks. We fill up the first candy bag, go home to put it the refrigerator and head out again with a second bag.

Hey, it was innocent times, we were creative kids and as they say, "opportunity only knocks once!"
 

The News As I See It: The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute — which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar.

David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don't know what's more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.

Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco next month to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say "We're sorry" in all three languages.

I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan.

A man in a Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as "armed and incapable of reforming immigration." After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.

This Date In History: 1517; Martin Luther posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg Palace church, marking the start of the Protestant Reformation in Germany. 1846; A heavy snowfall trapped the Donner Party in the Sierra Nevada mountains.

1864; Nevada became the 36th state. 1941; Work on the Mount Rushmore monument was completed. 1956; Rear Admiral G. J. Dufek became the first person to land an airplane at the South Pole.

1984; Indian prime minister Indira Gandhi was assassinated. 1992; Pope John Paul II admitted that the Roman Catholic Church had erred in convicting Galileo of heresy 350 years earlier.

Picture Of The Day: The black cat is one of the symbols of Halloween that I dislike. Cats are cats and the come in all colors. My cat Samantha is black and she would be insane in any color. Kidding aside, I think it would be a good idea for cat (and dog) owners to keep your pets inside for Halloween. You can't be too safe in this crazy world.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Illiterate people don't get the full effect of alphabet soup. 2) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 3) The economy is getting so bad that Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. 4) Hide and go pee is one of the favorite games at my retirement home. 5) The most exciting variety of sex is "rodeo sex". That's when you mount your woman from behind, grab her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear, "Your sister was better than you" and then try to hold on for 8 seconds.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - October 31st: Today doesn't look very promising but the good news is that report you were waiting for from your doctor is negative. Take life with a grain of salt ...plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Remember, there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. Chance of romance is 21.06 percent, so buy the big bottle of tequila.

Birthdays: My friends Cary, Paul and Randy - Happy Birthday 19XX, Jan Vermeer painter 1632, John Keats poet 1795, Juliette Gordon Low founder of the Girl Scouts of America 1860, Chiang Kai-shek, Chinese Nationalist leader 1887, Dale Evans actor and singer 1912, Barbara Bel Geddes actress 1922, Michael Collins astronaut 1930, Dan Rather television journalist, writer 1931, Michael Landon actor 1936, John Candy actor 1950, Jane Pauley TV journalist 1950, Peter Jackson director 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" The older doctor replied, "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

The younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

The younger doctor said, "You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it? "Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" Socrates replied, "Wait a minute. Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." The acquaintance queried, "Triple filter?"

Socrates continued, "Yes. Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" The man said, "No, actually, I just heard about it." Socrates said, "All right. So, you don't really know if it's true or not."

Socrates went on, "Now, let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" The man says, "No, on the contrary....." Socrates interrupts, "So, you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates said, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" The man says, "No, not really." Socrates concluded, "Well, if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was screwing his wife.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it and circled. He drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "Where Am I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "You Are In A Helicopter."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to the Seattle/Tacoma airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "You Are In A Helicopter" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

The fifth grade teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up. Akio said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." The teacher said, "Very good!"

The teacher continued, "Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher said, "Excellent! let's try one a bit more difficult. Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said, "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."

The teacher angrily demanded, "Who said that? I want to know right now!" Little Akio put his hand up and said, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right!!! Now who said that!?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."

That's it for today, my little goblins. Remember, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. I'm off to AREA 51 for the Halloween party.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !