Happy New Year

It's New Year's Eve and due to this lingering chest cold, I have decided to bench myself as even the best quarterback's passes go incomplete if he's not at one hundred percent. Nevertheless, I wish each and everyone of you a very Happy New Year.

The News As I See It: Things are slow today which reminds me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"

This Date In History: 1879; Thomas Edison gave the first public demonstration of an electric incandescent lamp. 1938; The first breath test for drivers, "drunkometer," was introduced in Indianapolis.

1946; President Truman officially proclaimed the end of hostilities in World War II. 1961; The Marshall Plan expired after distributing more than $12 billion in foreign aid.

1963; Central African Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland was formally dissolved. 1964 The al-Fatah guerrillas of Yasser Arafat launched their first terrorist raid on Israel. 1987; Robert Mugabe sworn in as Zimbabwe's president.

Picture Of The Day: Obama's New Year's resolution is to continue his tradition of pissing off America with his dumb ass moves. The boy is making President Jimmy Carter look like Einstein.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. 2) An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the guests leave along with the old year. 3) Today is going so slowly my life is flashing before other people's eyes. 4) The thing my brother loves most about this hot Florida weather is the short skirts and low tops although they do make him look a bit gay. 5) When I was seven, I told my friend Timmy Barker I would give him a million dollars if he would eat an earthworm. He ate the worm, but I never gave him the million dollars. As of last week, all I had given him was $9,840.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 31st: Tantalizing new evidence that you're about to have fun is going to reveal itself today. Early evidence may be the plethora of Happy New Year signs hanging about. The faster you travel today, the more likely you are to be stopped by the police and given a speeding ticket.

Birthdays: Jacques Cartier, explorer 1491, Charles Cornwallis, general 1738, Henri Matisse, French artist 1869, Elizabeth Arden, beautician, business executive 1878, George C. Marshall, general and cabinet member 1880, Simon Wiesenthal, writer, activist 1908, Anthony Hopkins, actor 1937, Ben Kingsley, actor 1943, John Denver, singer, entertainer 1943.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. He said, "You need to make sure this dog runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."

The blonde said, "I can't play fetch with my dog." The doctor said. "Why not?" She replied, "He can't throw."

A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road, approaches the blonde lady driver and asks, "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident!"

She continued, "I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror,the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two men are talking and one man says to the other, "I went for my routine checkup today." His friend asked, "Is everything okay?"

The man said, "Everything was going fine until he stuck his finger up my ass." His friend smiled and said, "That's normal procedure." The man replied, "So you don't think I should change dentists?"

The phone rang at the front desk of the hotel and the desk clerk answered, "Treymor Hotel, how can I help you?" A man answered, "You have to send someone up to my room immediately. My wife and I just had an argument and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

The clerk says. "Well sir, I'll try to send someone up to your room but that's really a personal matter." The man replied, "Listen here sir, the window won't open and that's a maintenance matter!"

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, a New Year's resolution is just something that goes in one year and out the other. I'm still  feeling a bit peaked with this chest cold, so I'm probably going to skip the AREA 51 festivities tonight.

Have a great New Year's Eve and a Happy New Year. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !