My Cat Samantha Is A Voyeur

I love my cat and my other pets from the past, but privacy is not one of their biggest concerns. There's nothing more disconcerting than to be in a compromising situation and see eyes and ears observing your performance.

My area of quiet and solace has always been the bathroom, but it seems that my pets just had to be there with me. The dog could be sleeping or the cat in hiding, but the moment I enter the bathroom and turn on the light, they magically appear.

The funny thing about this is that if go into the bathroom for something else or simply to urinate, a look of sadness comes on their face, as if you just cancelled a Fourth of July party.

If you closed the door, the dog would whine or the cat would mew. If that didn't work, the dog would scratch the door or you would see cat paws under the door trying to open it. After a while, I just gave up and let them in.

As for their bedroom peccadilloes, early in life I realized they were perverted voyeurs. After the first time, I always tried to remember to shut the bedroom door. But occasionally, these interludes, ofttimes flamed by liquor and passion, are forgotten.

I always suspected that my dog was a pervert, so it didn't surprise me to look up and see him with an "atta boy" grin on his face. But cats are more devious and aside from observing, they also like to play the game, "Climb on top and make bread" or "Attack whatever moves under the covers".

While I understand why these games occur, some of the ladies were not so understanding. Most of them laughed or simply shrugged it off, but there were those who found it distasteful and the mood (and usually the evening) came to a halt.

My dog was usually stopped by shouting but my cat, as any cat owner can testify, was never dissuaded and only resorted to more devilish pranks. As a matter of practice, I used to have a framed sign that read: Proceed at your own risk. My animals are perverted and I'm not too sure about their owner, either......

The News As I See It: There are reports that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech.

Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, "And I’ll be right back with your pancakes."

Many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem.....

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.

This Date In History: 1215; King John sealed the Magna Carta. 1775; George Washington was appointed head of the Continental Army by the Second Continental Congress. 1836; Arkansas became the 25th state in the United States.

1844; Charles Goodyear was granted a patent for rubber vulcanization. 1849; James Polk, the 11th president of the United States, died in Nashville, Tennessee. 1923; Lou Gehrig made his New York Yankee debut as a pinch runner.

1992 ; Vice President Dan Quayle's "potatoe" spelling incident. 1996; Ella Fitzgerald, the ''first lady of song,'' died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Rolling Stone Mick Jagger was knighted by Queen Elizabeth.

Picture Of The Day: They sometimes act as if they've been traumatized, but cats are masters of deception and have many faces. Moreover, most of them that I've known are habitual liars.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I joined a health club last year, spent 300 bucks and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 2) My girlfriend is at her classiest when, during a romantic interlude, I take off her bra off and cookie crumbs fall out. 3) Americans and Britons have different ways of saying things. They say "lift", we say "elevator". They say "President", we say "Lying narcissist asshole". 4) My friend and his wife have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, they go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine and a romantic dinner. She goes on Tuesdays, he goes on Fridays. 5) Last week, I was in front of a judge and he said "You've been brought here for drinking." I said, "Okay, let's get started.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 15th: A light is getting closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds with a special someone. The light may be a bit bright though, so you might want to turn away. Don't turn away for too long though. I'm pretty sure it's a light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a light or a train. A whistle may be a tell-tale sign.

Birthdays: Edward the Black Prince, prince 1330, Edvard Grieg, Norwegian composer 1843, Mario Cuomo, politician 1932, Waylon Jennings, singer 1937, Helen Hunt, actress 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "You have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second guy said, "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said, "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continued to play several more holes when they realized that the fourth guy had not said a word about how he managed to get out of the house. So the first guy said, "You haven't said a word about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

The fourth guy smiled and said "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave my wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater'."

A blonde in her third year as a UCLA Freshman sat in her US Government class. The professor asked the blonde if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

She pondered the question then, finally said, "Yes, that was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

A Jewish man was leaving a coffee shop with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The man said, "My wife's." The Jewish man said, ''What happened to her?" The Italian man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

The Jewish man inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man pointed to the 200 man line behind the procession and replied, "Sure, but you have to go to the end of the line."

Scenario: A man is walking down the streets of Baltimore with his wife and two small children. Suddenly, a thug with a huge knife comes around the corner and charges him. The man is carrying a Glock 45 and he is an expert shot. He has mere seconds before the thug reaches him and his family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer: "Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I done anything that would inspire him to attack? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun? What kind of message does this send to society? What will Al Sharpton say?"

Conservative Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Southerner's Answer: Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click....(sounds of reloading). Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! click.... 

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

That's it for today, my little jelly beans. Remember, the only ideal marriage was Adam and Eve. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !