Trump, Hillary, Bernie And His VP Pick: The FBI

The race has narrowed to Republican Donald Trump, Democrat Hillary Clinton and then there's Bernie, who continues to hang on, hoping Hillary will be indicted. Bernie was last seen wandering in the barnyard talking to chickens.

Ted Cruz quit after being soundly thumped by Trump in Indiana and Bernie Kaisich quit when his aides explained to him that he was running fourth in a three candidate race.

Personally, aside from hoping Hillary goes to prison, I think Bernie is hanging on because when they go to the California primary, his wife told him she would take him to Disneyland.

When things finally shake out, it will be Trump against Hillary, both of whom, have high negative ratings. No matter who wins, the one good thing about 2017 is that America will be rid of Obama.

The News As I See It: May is finally here! Yep, it’s that special time of the year when the Earth puts the weather on "Random Shuffle."

A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can go to the suicide bombing today."

The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

A 100-year-old-woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration. 1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.

1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961 Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans. 1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.

1998; The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: The weekends at Bernie's have been fun.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down. 2) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 3) My brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 4) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out. 5) My ex-mother-in-law wears a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: A guiding light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds for you. The light is a little bright though, so you might want to shield your eyes from the glare. I'm pretty sure it's a guiding light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a guiding light or a train.

Birthdays: Horace Mann, educator 1796, Thomas Henry Huxley, biologist 1825, Frederick Church, artist 1826, Hosni Mubarak, president of Egypt 1928, Audrey Hepburn, actress 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says, "Wow! That is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks, "What's wrong? You look angry?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman replied, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. and I'll hold your monkey for you.

A man picked up his lovely date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

That's it for today, my cute little ferrets. Remember, Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !