Remember When ?

Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that George Washington’s brother, Murray, was the Uncle of our Country? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!

Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!

Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? Yeah.......me too!

The News As I See It: American Airlines American Airlines has experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. "Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot."

Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.

Arby's has acquired Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion. They didn’t mean to, but like a lot of us, Arby’s got drunk and bought too many wings.

MTV announced it's bringing back the original cast of "Jersey Shore." Can you believe it? Every single cast member was available!

This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet."

1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Alabama. 1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity.

1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days, forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.

Picture Of The Day: This useless piece of garbage, Jose Zarate (L), who killed Kate Steinle, was found innocent of every charge filled against him with the exception of a felon in possession of a firearm. Zarate had been deported five times and had prior felony convictions. One would think Zarate would have at least been convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which, by definition, is killing someone accidentally. Residents of San Francisco, a sanctuary city, must be very proud.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test. It can't be both. 2) I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread. 3) When I  lock eyes with a spider, I don't kill him. I run away and hide so he can spend the whole night stressing and wondering where I am. 4) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison.  5) When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag on leather car seats.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.

Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Jack sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair, when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.

Jack said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.

He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Jack was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.

About an hour later Jack came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Jack said, "That's from your grandma."

Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."

Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "That's not against the law."

Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.

The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.

The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

That's it for today, my little broccoli sprouts. Remember, people who say "mayo" instead of "mayonnaise" live 12 yrs longer because of the time they save. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !