Kenseth And Hamlin Win Daytona Twin 150s - Boyer Flips

The Daytona 500 is this Sunday (Fox - 12 pm) and judging from last night's Twin 150 qualifiers, the race promises to be action packed. The first 150 mile race was conservative at the beginning with most drivers saving their equipment for Sunday's race (which pays $250 thousand just to start). The final lap was a photo finish with Matt Kenseth edging out Kevin Harvick and Kasey Kayne.

The second 150 mile qualifying race was equally conservative until the final lap. Jimmie Johnson ran out of gas coming off turn #4 and everything went to hell in a hand basket. The ensuing mass crash sent Clint Boyer into a 360 degree flip, landing on four wheels and finishing the race. Denny Hamlin looked untouchable winning the race going away.

Jimmie Johnson is the defending Daytona 500 winner and a reigning six-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champ, yet, up until last night, had maintained a low profile for Daytona Speedweeks. Sunday's race marks the return of the Dale Earnhardt / Richard Childress #3 with Childress's grandson Austin Dillon at the wheel.

Dillon captured the pole position in the famed #3, which was formerly Dale Earnhardt's number. Earnhardt was killed in a racing crash in turn three on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.

 

The Nationwide race will be seen live on Saturday (ESPN) at 1:15 pm and the Camping World truck race will be tonight (Fox Sports 1) at 7:30 pm. As you can see, this is a race car fan's ultimate weekend and should be exciting.

The News As I See It: The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, "Uh, mammal?"

A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.

Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman. Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.

This Date In History: 1613; Michael Romanov was elected czar of Russia, beginning the Romanov imperial line. 1878; The first telephone book was issued in New Haven, Connecticut. 1916; Battle of Verdun, the longest and one of the bloodiest engagements of World War I, began.

1965; Black nationalist leader Malcolm X was assassinated. 1972; President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit China. 1995; Steve Fossett became the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean solo in a balloon.

2002; It was confirmed that Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was dead, allegedly murdered by Islamic militants. 2012; Eurozone finance ministers reached an agreement on a second, 130-billion bailout for Greece to help with the country's debt crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Denny Hamlin won the second 150 mile qualifying race and has been the hot car so far. Hamlin, returning from injuries on 2013, won the final race at Homestead Speedway last year and has been undefeated since.

Denny Hamlin is victorious in the second 150 qualifier

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 2) Is it considered rude to ask your co-worker if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?  3) I hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator. 4) If a bill collector or someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only" 5) The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 21st: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with people you like.

Birthdays: Otto Hermann Kahn, banker and patron of the arts 1867, Constantin Brancusi, sculptor 1876, Andres Segovia, guitarist 1893, Anais Nin, author, diarist 1903, W. H. Auden, Anglo-American poet 1907, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe 1924, Erma Bombeck, writer, humorist 1927, Hubert de Givenchy, fashion designer 1927, Barbara Jordan, lawyer, politician and educator 1936, Jennifer Love Hewitt, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." The first man says, "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" 

The second man replies, "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

The second man asks, "How did you die?" The first man says, "I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either."

He continued, "I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says, "that's so ironic." The first man says, "What do you mean?" The second man replies, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

 Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. Knock! Knock Knock! The husband says, "Guess who?" His wife answers, "I know who it is!" The husband says, "Guess what I want?" His wife replies, "I know what you want!" The husband says, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Matt Kenseth wins the first 150 mile qualifier

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

God continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says. "Not bad. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hit the ball again."

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, what we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. The first thing I'm going to do when I get home from is rip off my girlfriend's's panties. They're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

The Daytona 500 - Remembering Dale Earnhardt

Ten years ago today, Dale Earnhardt Sr., lost his life in a wreck on the final lap of the Daytona 500. His shocking death sent a cold shiver to the racing world and subsequently, Nascar began a series of rule changes to protect and enhance the safety of the drivers. Since that fateful day, it is impossible to calculate the number of lives that have been saved due to these important changes.

This weekend, Nascar will be at the Daytona International Speedway. The Camping World truck series race will be run tonight at 7:30 pm (EST) under the lights. On Saturday, at 1:00 pm (EST), the Nationwide series will race and on Sunday, the Daytona 500 will start at 1:00 pm (EST).

This is the biggest race weekend of the entire Nascar season. It is fitting that Dale Earnhardt Jr, won the pole position for Sunday's race. Unfortunately, Dale Jr, will have to start the race at the rear of the field due to a crash during practice. I look forward to the racing weekend and the Daytona 500. I also will take time to remember Dale Earnhardt Sr., the man and the legend, and the final race of his career. Rest in peace, Dale !

The News As I See It: A survey found that 61 percent of people are more afraid of outliving their money than dying. The other 39 percent have already outlived their money and have faked their own death to avoid creditors.

History was made at the Westminster dog show when one of the finalists was a dog from China. The dog listed his proudest accomplishment as not being eaten.

Arkansas Congressman Steve Womack has proposed getting rid of funding for President Obama’s teleprompter. When Obama finds out, he’s going to be speechless.

It’s the 40th anniversary of the War on Drugs. Today, California surrendered. Forty years since the War on Drugs began. This makes Charlie Sheen our most decorated veteran.

Donald Trump may is considering a run for the presidency in 2012. He says he has a plan for reducing the deficit by combing the rest of our money over to hide it.

A man from Ohio is being called “the Amish Bernie Madoff” for swindling Amish families out of millions of dollars. People became suspicious when they saw his horse pulling a Lamborghini.

This Date In History: 1546; Martin Luther, German leader of the Protestant Reformation, died. 1564; Michelangelo Buonarotti, Italian painter, sculptor, and architect, died. 1885; The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain was published. 1930; Pluto, the ninth planet in the solar system, was discovered by American astronomer Clyde Tombaugh.

1953; The first 3-D movie, Bwana Devil, opened in New York. 2001; FBI agent Robert Philip Hanssen was arrested and charged with spying for Russia. 2001; Dale Earnhardt, Sr., died from injuries sustained at the Daytona 500.

Picture Of The Day: Pictures of Dale Earnhardt Sr, Dale Jr and Theresa Earnhardt are today's subject. The crash that killed Dale Sr occured between turns three and four in the final lap of the race. Also included are pictures of Kurt Busch and Jeff Burton, winners of Thursday's Twin 150 qualifying races.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 2) If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 3) People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it. 4) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing. 5) Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.......and that's five !

Today's Birthday Horoscope: Aquarius - February 18th: Artifacts that appear on your eyeballs are an after-effect of going out bar hopping for 4 nights running. Applying yourself to your work may be the only way you can crush the thoughts that rampage through your ill-mind. When in danger, you have a tendency to run away quickly. Harness that ability today as you'll need it sometime around 4 pm.

Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it. If you pause to try and scrape off some dog poop from the bottom of your shoe, you might miss it. However, if you keep the dog poop on your shoe and meet your serendipitous friend, the smell might be off-putting enough to close the deal. What?

Birthdays: Louis Comfort Tiffany, artist, decorative designer 1848, Sholem Aleichem, author 1859, Charles Michael Schwab, steel magnate 1862, Helen Gurley Brown, editor, author 1922, George Kennedy, actor 1925, John Travolta, actor 1954, Matt Dillon, actor 1964, Molly Ringwald, actress 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!" Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboys says, "No thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."

A preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

The cowboy got paid on Friday and rode into town. He then went to the nearest bar and got thoroughly trashed. A couple of pals decided to play a trick on him. They snuck out, put his horse's saddle on backwards, and went back to join the cowboy for a few more rounds.

The next morning, when the alarm clock and a glass of cold water in the face failed to have the slightest effect, the cowboy's wife started shaking him by the shoulders and screaming, "Tex, get up! You have to hit the damn trail, you've got work to do." Tex mumbled, "I can't, I'm too beat. Too tired. Can't even lift my head." She screamed in his ear. "Get up! I've seen you this hungover a thousand times."

The cowboy said, "Not like this. Last night was different. Some son of a bitch cut my horse's head off, and I had to lead him all the way home with my finger in his windpipe!"

Michelle Obama was driving home from a business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Michelle. The old woman asked, "What's in the bag?" Michelle looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse.

He was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

That's it for today my little gumdrops. Remember, when tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. I'm going to AREA 51 to see of there's any fires to put out....with scotch. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !