Elliott And Earnhardt Jr Head Daytona 500 Field

It's Daytona weekend with the Nascar Truck race tonight at 7:30 (FS1), the Xfinity Series race on Saturday 3:30 pm (FS1) and Sunday's Daytona 500 at 1 pm (FOX). Chase Elliott, a repeat pole winner, and Dale Earnhardt Jr will start on the front row.

Judging from the amount of lead car moving and blocking techniques, combined with side-drafting used in the Can-Am qualifiers, staying in the lead will be a difficult job. Brad Keselowski and Denny Hamlin demonstrated this ability well.

NASCAR announced detailed changes as to how races will be run in stages in 2017. There are three stages in a race. Stage 1 and Stage 2 will reward drivers who are leading, or in the top 10, at the conclusion of each stage. The Final Stage will determine the race winner.

Additionally, the extent to which teams can make repairs will be more tightly policed beginning with the 2017 season. NASCAR officials unveiled a new Damaged Vehicle Policy, Under the guidelines, teams no longer will be allowed to replace damaged body parts that are the result of accidents or contact.

Repairs, such as fixing damaged sheet metal, will be allowed; however, teams will be given five minutes to fix damage once they enter pit road. If the damage requires the car to go behind pit wall or to the garage for repairs, the car will not be allowed to return to the race.

Also, if the repairs take longer than the five minutes allowed, the car will not be permitted to return to the race. Once repairs have been made, a car is still required to maintain the minimum speed determined for that event. Once that has been accomplished, the five-minute clock is reset in case the car needs to come back down pit road.

Previously, teams were allowed to replace any damaged panels or parts with no time limit and no penalty. Quarter panels, splitters, hoods and deck lids damaged in accidents were often removed and replaced. Some repairs were completed on pit road.

More extensive damage often meant a trip to the garage. Each time, the driver was sent back out onto the track as quickly as possible. That will no longer be the case. Heavily damaged cars that need extensive repairs that can't be done on pit road, Miller said, "are essentially going to be out of the race.

Denny Hamlin wins the second Can-Am race in last lap pass.

Denny Hamlin won the second Can-Am Duel Thursday night at Daytona, getting a run on the high outside line in the closing laps to spoil leader Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s bid for the victory. Hamlin also won a qualifying race last year en route to his first Daytona 500 title. Chase Elliott, who already has the Daytona 500 pole, won the first Duel.

The two qualifying races set the lineup for the Daytona 500 (Sunday, 2 pm).

D.J. Kennington will start his 30th Daytona 500 after racing his way into the field. He'll be joined by Corey LaJoie, who got a little help from Jimmie Johnson.

In the second Duel, Earnhardt, who led most of the race, took the lead after a caution for Jimmie Johnson’s flat. Denny Hamlin, who recovered from a pit road penalty early, moved up to second. He got a push on the outside from Austin Dillon and was able to pass Earnhardt, who will start second Sunday.

Eanhardt said, "I don’t know what I could have done better to defend that. Denny’s smart. He’s one of the great plate racers out there.” It was Hamlin’s third career Duel win and came the same day Joe Gibbs Racing announced a contract extension with the driver.

The News As I See It: YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is too sexy, the problem is you.

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

One of the seven newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels and sunglasses.

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to.

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury v. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void. 1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain.

1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives. 1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed.

Picture Of The Day: Chase Elliott wins the Daytona 500 pole fir the second straight year.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) What's a moderation and how do I drink in one? 2) Legend has it if you whisper IKEA 3 times in the mirror, an extra screw will appear and you'll be haunted by the piece of furniture you assembled wrong. 3) My bank officer wanted me to sign up for a 401k, but there's no way I can run that far. 4) The way I deal with an unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't be much use in bar fight.  5) I shouted, "Run, Forrest, run", but the trees just stood there, frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all......except for Crazy Larry and Wild Root Cream Oil Charlie.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: Actions take a moment, consequences last a lifetime. Your friends won't forgive you if you don't take the opportunity you are presented with.Your lucky horse for today is "Sombrero's Lid." He's a long shot but so is his name. I'd wager $2 across the board.

Birthdays: Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: (Cabin Crew): "The pilot co-pilot are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane? (Harrison Ford): "I can." (Cabin Crew): "Anyone else?"

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. The blonde yelled back, "No, scarf!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

That's it for today, my little fur balls. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Junior Wins The Daytona 500

Seeing Dale Jr leading the pack with a handful of laps to go made me think, "Maybe this time." Then, as if by Nascar script, some also-ran crashed and there we were...it was going to be a "Green-White-Checkered" finish.

Dale had dominated the race while leading, so I'm already in strategy mode to figure how to win the race. Twelve hours earlier, the race had begun. Then, typical February weather kicked in and we were under a 6 hour rain delay.

During the clean-up after the also-ran wreck, everyone was analyzing what would happen. Suddenly, it seemed like the racing gods had dealt "Little E" another piece of bad luck when he inadvertently ran over a piece of "Two hundred mph" tape used to repair crashed cars.

Trash on the grill can be removed if you move the race car close to the next car's back bumper and create a vacuum. In Dale Jr's case, he was the leader, so theoretically, all he had to do was snuggle up to the pace car. It wasn't going to happen. The sticky tape would not come off and Dale Jr was just going to have to live with it.

The accident that occurred with seven laps to go was triggered by pole-sitter Austin Dillon, driving the No. 3 (Earnhardt's father's number making its return to the Daytona 500 for the first time since 2001), set up a final two-lap shootout to the finish.

Earnhardt got a great jump past Brad Keselowski on the restart, and had teammate Jeff Gordon behind him protecting his bumper. Denny Hamlin came charging through the field and Earnhardt had a challenger with one lap to go.

Then an accident farther back in the field involving former winners Kevin Harvick and Jamie McMurray brought out the caution and the win belonged to Earnhardt. Of course, with the lead "Little E" had coming out of turn four, he was going to win anyway, yellow flag or not.

Hamlin was second in a Joe Gibbs Racing Toyota, followed by Keselowski in a Team Penske Ford. Jeff Gordon took fourth and fifth was taken by last year's race winner, Jimmie Johnson.

It was a good race and the top five finishers ran predictably well. The Nascar season has begun.....

National Security Adviser Susan Rice, appeared Sunday on NBC's “Meet the Press" and answered softball questions from David Gregory. She said she has no regrets about her now-infamous round of TV interviews in 2012 about the the attacks on the U.S. mission in Benghazi, Libya.

In 2012, she appeared on Fox, ABC, CNN, NBC and CBS. On Sunday, she said that nobody in the Obama administration intended to mislead the American people (that is, except to help Barry get re-elected and cover Hillary Clinton's bumbling, fat ass). At the end of the interview, Rice's nose exceeded the length of Pinocchio's nose.

The News As I See It: A new study of online dating profiles reveals that women respond 31 percent better to men who use the word "whom." Frankly, I don't know whom these men are or whom they're trying to impress.

A survey named Vienna, Austria, the world's best city. Vienna came out on top in this survey because it was No. 1 in three important categories: public transportation, clean air and teeny-tiny sausages.

In the college Bowl, Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, was asked if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

This Date In History: 1582; Pope Gregory XIII issued a papal bull introducing the Gregorian calendar reform. 1803; The Supreme Court ruled in Marbury vs. Madison that any act of Congress which conflicts with the Constitution is null and void.

1821; Mexico declared its independence from Spain. 1868; Andrew Johnson, 17th president of the United States, became the first president to have impeachment proceedings brought against him by the House of Representatives.

1903; The lease for Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, was signed. 1920; Adolf Hitler outlined the basic points of the Nazi party at the Hofbrauhaus in Munich. 1968; The discovery of a pulsar was announced. 1980; The U.S. hockey team defeated Finland to win the gold medal at the Lake Placid Olympics.

Picture Of The Day: Dale Earnardt Jr raises the Harley J. Earl Trophy in Daytona Victory Lane.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I ran into my ex-wife the other day. I could have sworn the light was green. 2) Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn't spent a lot of time around teenagers. 3) My friend told the Starbucks waiter that his name is Stephen with a "ph". The cup came back reading "PHEVEN". 4) A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million. 5) Your potato salad recipe is not a "family secret". Your uncle Ray, who cooks meth in his trailer home, is a family secret.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 24th: Your Great Aunt Maude may try to speak to you today through a kitchen appliance. Parts of you feel like giving up the ghost today, but feeding those parts ice cream may revive them.

Birthdays: My friends Danny and Dutch - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Winslow Homer, American painter 1836, Honus Wagner, baseball player 1874, Chester William Nimitz, admiral 1885, Joseph Lieberman, politician 1942, Steve Jobs, entrepreneur 1955, Paula Zahn, TV news reporter, anchor 1956, Billy Zane, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop who says, "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." The woman replied, "Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."

The cop said, "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. The husband asked, "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" The Amish lady replied, "He said the reflector is broken."  The husband said, "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob..... something about the emergency brake."

 Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both of whom could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200. They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. They asked, "You are truly a wise Vet. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. The investigator says, "Okay Simpson, you were near the scene, what happened?"

Simpson replies, "Well, old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." The stunned investigator asks, "He was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been with the company?" Simpson answers, "About 20 years, sir."

The investigator says, "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." Simpson replied, "It was, sir."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, if you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost farther north.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Kenseth And Hamlin Win Daytona Twin 150s - Boyer Flips

The Daytona 500 is this Sunday (Fox - 12 pm) and judging from last night's Twin 150 qualifiers, the race promises to be action packed. The first 150 mile race was conservative at the beginning with most drivers saving their equipment for Sunday's race (which pays $250 thousand just to start). The final lap was a photo finish with Matt Kenseth edging out Kevin Harvick and Kasey Kayne.

The second 150 mile qualifying race was equally conservative until the final lap. Jimmie Johnson ran out of gas coming off turn #4 and everything went to hell in a hand basket. The ensuing mass crash sent Clint Boyer into a 360 degree flip, landing on four wheels and finishing the race. Denny Hamlin looked untouchable winning the race going away.

Jimmie Johnson is the defending Daytona 500 winner and a reigning six-time NASCAR Sprint Cup Series champ, yet, up until last night, had maintained a low profile for Daytona Speedweeks. Sunday's race marks the return of the Dale Earnhardt / Richard Childress #3 with Childress's grandson Austin Dillon at the wheel.

Dillon captured the pole position in the famed #3, which was formerly Dale Earnhardt's number. Earnhardt was killed in a racing crash in turn three on the last lap of the 2001 Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Sr.

 

The Nationwide race will be seen live on Saturday (ESPN) at 1:15 pm and the Camping World truck race will be tonight (Fox Sports 1) at 7:30 pm. As you can see, this is a race car fan's ultimate weekend and should be exciting.

The News As I See It: The Department of Agriculture is recalling thousands of boxes of Hot Pockets because they contain meat that wasn’t properly inspected. When asked what kind of meat they use, a spokesman for Hot Pockets said, "Uh, mammal?"

A company is selling a new action figure based on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. Of course, the only thing it does is tattle on your G.I. Joes.

Obama met with Mexico's president. This was a rare trip for Obama. Usually he sends Dennis Rodman. Obama had a message for Mexicans. He said, "If you like your fajitas, you can keep your fajitas."

Charlie Sheen is getting married to an adult film star. She's no longer in the adult film industry. She is what they call a retired porn star. Too many concussions.

This Date In History: 1613; Michael Romanov was elected czar of Russia, beginning the Romanov imperial line. 1878; The first telephone book was issued in New Haven, Connecticut. 1916; Battle of Verdun, the longest and one of the bloodiest engagements of World War I, began.

1965; Black nationalist leader Malcolm X was assassinated. 1972; President Nixon became the first U.S. president to visit China. 1995; Steve Fossett became the first person to cross the Pacific Ocean solo in a balloon.

2002; It was confirmed that Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was dead, allegedly murdered by Islamic militants. 2012; Eurozone finance ministers reached an agreement on a second, 130-billion bailout for Greece to help with the country's debt crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Denny Hamlin won the second 150 mile qualifying race and has been the hot car so far. Hamlin, returning from injuries on 2013, won the final race at Homestead Speedway last year and has been undefeated since.

Denny Hamlin is victorious in the second 150 qualifier

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think there should be a mandatory test at age 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed. 2) Is it considered rude to ask your co-worker if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?  3) I hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he's a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator. 4) If a bill collector or someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only" 5) The ending of "Romeo and Juliet" is only sad if you think two fourteen year-olds should have gotten married.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 21st: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true, the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests and stand toe-to-toe with people you like.

Birthdays: Otto Hermann Kahn, banker and patron of the arts 1867, Constantin Brancusi, sculptor 1876, Andres Segovia, guitarist 1893, Anais Nin, author, diarist 1903, W. H. Auden, Anglo-American poet 1907, Robert Mugabe, president of Zimbabwe 1924, Erma Bombeck, writer, humorist 1927, Hubert de Givenchy, fashion designer 1927, Barbara Jordan, lawyer, politician and educator 1936, Jennifer Love Hewitt, actress 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second, "How did you die?" The second man says, "I froze to death." The first man says, "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" 

The second man replies, "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

The second man asks, "How did you die?" The first man says, "I had a heart attack. You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either."

He continued, "I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says, "that's so ironic." The first man says, "What do you mean?" The second man replies, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

 Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. Knock! Knock Knock! The husband says, "Guess who?" His wife answers, "I know who it is!" The husband says, "Guess what I want?" His wife replies, "I know what you want!" The husband says, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

Matt Kenseth wins the first 150 mile qualifier

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!"

God continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says. "Not bad. Now, take the club out of your mouth and hit the ball again."

That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, what we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. The first thing I'm going to do when I get home from is rip off my girlfriend's's panties. They're too small and the elastic is killing me.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Danica Patrick Has Decisions To Make For Tomorrow's Race

The pressure associated with winning the pole for the Daytona 500 is difficult for any Nascar driver. That pressure is doubled when you're Danica Patrick, the first woman to ever win the Daytona 500 pole. Although Danica has modest Nascar experience, she's no stranger to speed, having completed in the Indycar series with one win coming in Japan and also Nascar's Nationwide series.

Tomorrow's twin 150 qualifying races present a conundrum for all the drivers. These are a new generation of race cars and are untested in competitive pack racing. The drivers themselves have little or no experience with these cars in the draft especially with the series of crashes that happened in testing this week.

The question is do the drivers who have guaranteed starting spots in the 500 hold back and save their cars for the big race? Or, do they use the rest to learn more about the draft and how to improve their cars for Sunday's race?

Does Danica go all out to show her abilities and the great car she is driving or does she assure herself the historical start from the pole on Sunday?

Tomorrow's race wail put a great deal of pressure on all of the drivers including two drivers who have to finish in the top 15 to even be eligible for the 500. Adding to the pressure is the ever present chance of a major crash ("the big one') and possibly ruining your chances to even race on Sunday.

No matter what happens tomorrow, Danica Patrick deserves a pat on the back for her accomplishment this week and I wish her luck in tomorrow's race.

The News As I See It: Dozens of lawsuits have been filed against Carnival Cruise Lines. If you thought the ship was filthy, slimy, and disgusting, wait until these lawyers get involved.

President's day is an American tradition. You can tell how important a president was based by his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England. People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson.

Obama played golf in Florida with Tiger Woods. You remember how mad Michelle got when Barack ate a cheeseburger. When he headed to Florida, she told him, "Hey Barry, no hanging out with Tiger and his white ho's afterwards. You come right home."

Tiger Woods gave the Obama some very valuable tips. The most valuable one? Erase all of your text messages! Tiger said that Obama's handicap is that he doesn't understand economics.

It was a great day for a bunch of thieves in Belgium. They got away with more than $50 million worth of pure, uncut diamonds. This diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport if you don't count the airlines charging $25 to check a bag.

Reader's Digest filed for bankruptcy, just one week after the Pope resigned. Man, my grandmother hasn't been this depressed since Michael Bublé got married.

Yoko Ono turned 80 years old. People suggest that Yoko broke up the Beatles. Now that she's 80, the only thing she's breaking up is bingo games.

The New York Yankees are in spring training and you kind of feel it.....the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the smell of the deer antler spray.

This Date In History: 1792; President George Washington signed the Post Office Act, establishing a permanent Post Office Department. 1809; The Supreme Court ruled the power of the federal government is greater than that of any individual state.

1895; Frederick Douglass, abolitionist, author, and orator, died. 1962; John Glenn became the first American to orbit Earth. 1998; Tara Lipinski won the Olympic figure skating gold medal. 2003; A fire in a nightclub in Warwick, Rhode Island, killed 100 and injured over 150.

Picture Of The Day: Keep your hands away from my nuts!

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My ex-girlfriend told me that she would go the extra mile for me...in the opposite direction. 2) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 3) I'm already having nightmares about the rejects from this season's American Idol show. 4) Your "other car" is just as crummy as my "other car." 5) At the bank, I went through the little rope maze that they put up when the bank is busy. The funny thing is that there were no customers in the bank, yet I went through the maze anyway. The teller gave me my deposit receipt but neglected to give me my cheese reward.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - February 20th: Everything positive that could possibly happen to you is waiting around the corner. This week will reverse any setbacks you've had recently. Romance is in the air today, just over the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France then chances are you're going to strike out again this week. Wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of these horoscopes, so don't panic yet!

Birthdays: I have quite a few of my pals celebrating birthdays today and I like to wish Donna, Everett, Gary, Jo-ann and Tom very happy birthdays 19XX, Honore Daumier, caricaturist, painter 1808, Louis Kahn, architect 1901, Ansel Adams, American photographer 1902, Robert Altman, director 1925, Sidney Poitier, actor 1927, Bobby Unser, auto racer and Indianapolis 500 winner 1934, Buffy Sainte-Marie singer, songwriter 1941, Phil Esposito, hockey player 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One night, a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance - leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and a pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. The mother said diplomatically, "Dear, he doesn't seem very nice." The daughter replied, "Oh please, Mom, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

There was a woman who was very beautiful, except she had a hare lip. The woman was so embarrassed by her hare lip that she went into the woods to live all alone in a cabin, where no one would ever see her hare lip.

At the same time, there lived in the city a man with a wooden eye. He only had one real eye, but he was too poor to buy a glass eye, so he had a fake wooden eye made. He figured no normal woman would go out with him, but he heard about the woman with the hare lip and he thought maybe she would go out with him.

So he wandered through the woods until he found her cabin and he knocked on the door. He was still worried about his wooden eye, but he figured she wouldn't say anything because she'd be so sensitive about her hare lip. So he knocked on the door, introduced himself and said, "Would you like to go out with me?"

She was thrilled, because no one had ever asked her out before. He said again, "Would you like to go out with me?" and she said, "Would I? Would I?" And he said, "Hare Lip! Hare Lip!" And neither of them were heard from again.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thank to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

The teacher asks the kids in class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny said. "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, find me the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson saying, "And you, Tanya?” Tanya replied, "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, you're spending too much time on Facebook when you're hoping that your friends are interested in what you ate in the last half hour. I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour.

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !