Happy Easter

The appearance of multi-colored eggs all over America in April was baffling experts until the recent discovery of a species referred to as the Easter Chicken (Latin: Chickus Easterus), a species long believed to exist but never actually seen.

The Easter Chicken is believed to be a mutant breed of two classes of chicken referred to as "Chickus Kay Eff See Us" and "Chickus Perdueus."

It seems that the Easter Chicken is capable of laying thousands of multi-colored eggs per day but only lays its eggs in April. It seeks out wicker baskets and is especially fond of multi-colored Easter grass in which to lay its eggs.

Once the month of April is over, the Easter Chicken spends the rest of the year sitting in a solution of Preparation H.

The growth of the Easter Chicken population came into being after being accidentally discovered by Al "Have Podium Will Travel" Sharpton while it was laying an egg in the new green growth of an Obama Chia Pet.

Sharpton, ignorant of the species and ignorant in general, quickly fired up his skillet, tossed in some lard and was ready for some finger lickin' fried chicken when he was stopped by science investigators.

During the ensuing melee, the Easter Chicken escaped and propagated. It is believed that the Easter Chicken will be laying it's eggs all across America this weekend.

The News As I See It: Easter Sunday is the day that people who have not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter are present and all decked out in their Easter finery. The lucky part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors is that the preacher doesn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof doesn't cave in on them.

Obama and Michelle are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, "While you're there, pick up your birth certificate."

It’s being reported that Kim Kardashian may be pregnant. Either that or she was standing backwards.

For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called "It's a Sad World After All."

A 95-year-old-man has officially become the world's oldest pilot. He's also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles per hour.

The world's oldest person passed away. Now the title of oldest person alive belongs to Gertrude Weaver, a 116-year-old woman from Arkansas. Not only is Gertrude the oldest woman in the world, she is the only woman in the world still named Gertrude.

This Date In History: 1860; First pony express service began. 1882; Outlaw Jesse James was shot in the back by Bob Ford, one of his own gang members, reportedly for a $10,000 reward. 1930; Ras Tafari became Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia.

1936; Bruno Hauptmann was electrocuted for the kidnapping and murder of the Lindbergh baby. 1948; President Truman signed the Marshall Plan, which would foster the recovery of war-torn Europe.

1974; "Super Tornado Outbreak" strikes 13 U.S. states. 1996; U.S. commerce secretary Ronald Brown died in plane crash in Croatia. 1996; Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was arrested. 2004; A suspect in Madrid's March bombings blew up himself and three others

2004; 14-year-old soccer star Freddy Adu became the youngest player in an American professional sport in over a century.

Picture Of The Day: The Easter Bunny, a known cohort of the Easter Chicken, usually takes the credit for the colored eggs, but as we all know, bunnies don't lay eggs, they create chocolate for eggs and bunnies.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. 2) Don't you just love it when you find out that your Ex got fat? 3) (Indian warrior to son): Well, we named all you children after the first thing we saw after they were conceived. But tell me, Two Dogs Screwing, why do you ask?" 4) I'm pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons. 5) I miss the old days when I could say I wasn't around and you couldn't check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying.....and that's five !

Bonus Sixth: As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit The Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !"

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 3rd: The countries that have issued orders for your arrest will close in today and cause you to go without clean pants for two days. Most of this prognostication comes direct from the spirits that guide me through your horoscope. Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is fair game today.

Birthdays: Washington Irving, American author and diplomat 1783, Mary Carpenter, educator 1807, William Marcy Tweed, politician 1823, Henry Robinson Luce, publisher 1898, Marlon Brando, actor 1924, Virgil "Gus" Grissom, astronaut 1926, Jane Goodall, ethnologist 1934, Eddie Murphy, actor 1961.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but how's your health?" The old man answers, "It's okay. I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

The old woman says, "Well, I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself. How are you fixed financially?" The old man said, "So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you. I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes and finally asks him,"And how's your sex life...." The old man replies, "Infrequently." The widow ponders this for a moment or so, then asks, "And is that one word or two?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda In Washington State for her contribution to today's stories.

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette. Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if they could fit in with 20,000 bowling balls he is hauling. They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.

Wanting to make up time the trucker speeds up. Sure enough a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Mexican eggs."

The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so she takes a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and shocked, quickly shuts it and locks it. She calls for immediate backup from headquarters, the Border Patrol and the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers. She said, "I just stopped a tractor-trailer with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two of them have hatched and they've already stolen a bicycle."

A man was walking by the Job Center in downtown Toronto and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then, apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair. Finally. you rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is 84,000 and you'll have to go to Winnipeg."

The man said, "Good grief, it gets so cold there at this time of the year. Is that where the job is?" The clerk replied, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

That's it for today, my little Easter Bunnies. Remember those movie scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table, then throws a woman on top and does her? I did that once with a pizza. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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Happy Easter! Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

A "Spring" Egg Hunt? Really?

This "politically correct" crap is getting out of hand! Christmas isn’t the only holiday too hot to handle for school districts. Easter, another holiday rooted in Christian faith, is now being marginalized by governmental entities.

School districts and cities across America are holding “Spring egg hunts” and similar events, frequently omitting the word “Easter” from calendars and public announcements. Consider these:

• On March 16th, Flat Rock Elementary School in Anderson, South Carolina is holding a "Community Egg Hunt."
• West Shore School District will be holding its "PTO Egg Hunt" on March 16th.
• New York’s East Meadow Schools will be holding its "Spring Egg Hunt" on March 19.
• The Prospect Heights Public Library District in Illinois is holding its "Spring Egg Hunt" on March 26th.
• California’s Manhattan Beach Unified School District has its "Spring Egg Hunt" in late March.
• The City of Upland, California will hold its "Spring Egg Hunt" March 30. There are many, many more examples.

They’re detaching "Easter" from "egg hunts"? "Culturally sensitive" bureaucrats are further secularizing America by wiping Christian names off traditional community events. Really?

Like Christmas, Easter has become increasingly commercialized. Continuing to embrace the Christian rooting, we’re remember the real reason for the holidays.

I guess we'll just have to eliminate Ramadan, Kwanzaa and Hanukkah celebrations. That's politically correct, as well.

The News As I See It: A man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. What a genius ! Let's pick a liquid that costs even more money than gasoline. Since gas prices aren't high enough, let's add Starbucks to the equation.You know what that guy should invent? A Carnival Cruise ship that runs on human waste. That thing could go forever.

It' s springtime in America. Flowers are blooming, sundresses are coming out, and Taylor Swift is gathering up new boyfriends to last through the summer. Even though it's warm in Los Angeles, people still have to wear layers — at least until their plastic surgery heals.

It's spring break and kids have the week off. The kids in China get only six minutes off for spring break. How does spring break work for people who get their degrees online? Do they go to websites about the beach?

Obama filled out his NCAA bracket timely. He can't fill out a budget, but Basketball Jones is never late for March Madness. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that.

A new report shows that one in six Americans is now Hispanic. Well, the other five are also Hispanic, they're just not Americans.

A company called Dog Nation just launched an IQ online test for your dog. It covers understanding hand gestures and learning words. It's actually a secret IQ test for humans. If you pay $60 to give your dog an IQ test, you failed.

Fox is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. It should be pretty entertaining for the people who don't know the full details of the case. You know, like the jury.

This Date In History: 1765; The Stamp Act was enacted on the American colonies by Britain. 1820; U.S. naval hero Stephen Decatur was killed in a duel with dishonored former Chesapeake captain James Barron.

1894; The first Stanley Cup championship game was played. The Montreal Amateur Athletic Association (which won the cup unchallenged the previous year) triumphed over the Ottawa Capitals. 1895; Auguste and Louis Lumiere first demonstrated motion pictures using celluloid film in Paris.

1945; The Arab League was formed in Cairo, by Egypt, Iraq, Jordan, Lebanon, and Syria. 1972; Congress approved the Equal Rights Amendment and sent it to be ratified by the states. The amendment would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it.

1997; Comet Hale-Bopp made its closest approach to Earth in the skies over the northern hemisphere. The comet’s next pass is predicted for the year 4397. 2012; Amadou Toumani Touré, The President of Mali, was ousted in a coup d'état.

Picture Of The Day: Woodland Stream Nymph

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a state trooper asks, "You drinking?", the correct answer is not, "You buying?" 2) Now that I’m older, my memory is a mighty fortress. Nothing penetrates it.  3) It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial cost and blame it on the cost of living. 4) Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? 5) I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. tomorrow.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 22nd: Some people will confess a manic love for you today. One in twelve people that read this horoscope will find the same to be true. Serendipity is right around the corner, waiting for you to bump into it.

Birthdays: Bienvenido Santos, novelist, poet, activist 1911, Marcel Marceau, mime 1923, Pat Robertson, evangelist and politician 1930, Stephen Sondheim, composer 1930 Andrew Lloyd Webber, composer 1948, Reese Witherspoon, actress 1976.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" The boy replied, "Eight."

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

The doctor said, "I can't find a cause for your illness. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." The patient replied, "In that case, I'll come back when you're sober."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny. Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."

Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?" Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, "Oh God! If it hadn't been for Dad on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Johnny's birthday is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants for his birthday. If he curses while he tells you his wish, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gift he requests."

Two days before his birthday, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted. Johnny answered, "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up and when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

The day of his birthday, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face. The next day, his friend asked, "What did you get for your birthday?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today, my little munchkins. Remember, the big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. I'm going over to AREA 51 for some drinks and karaoke.

That's it for now. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Easter Week - Preparing For The Sunday Sermon

Preparation for Easter Sunday services always began earlier than usual when I was young, mainly because my Mom wanted everyone to look especially nice. Personally, I didn't care too much for getting up earlier than usual but my opinion was overruled by Mom.

Looking back, I think that Mom wanted to get to church early to see what the other mothers and their children were wearing and to socialize with her friends. We children, on the other hand, were more interested in getting back home as quickly as possible to have the Easter Egg hunt and munch on the goodies in our Easter baskets.

The church services were the hardest part of the day for we kids mainly because we were too young to understand the meaning and significance of the ceremonies and subsequent sermon. I always enjoyed the part of the services which involved singing but the dreaded sermon was the hardest part. The only amusement I had was watching my father nodding off to sleep and the subsequent elbow by my mother.

There were other distractions that kept me amused at church. I recall telling my younger brother Kirt to take a dollar out of the offering plate when it passed us. I told him that kids were allowed to do so if they needed any money. I thought it was funny when he actually did it but my mother was not amused. Kirt received a thwack on the ear and when he told Mom that I told him to do it, I got one as well.

One of the things I remember the most about the sermon was the hardness of the church pews. Being thin and restless, sitting on those hard pews was uncomfortable. I had to continually change positions which sometimes brought an occasional "sit still" pinch from my mother and a whispering admonishment as well. My only (you'll excuse the expression) salvation was when Dad began to snore which took the spotlight away from me.

The funniest thing I remember about Easter Sundays was that people who had not seen the inside of the church since the previous Easter were present and all decked out in their Easter finery. I guess the luckiest part of the Easter services for the once a year visitors was that the preacher didn't say anything about their lack of attendance and the roof didn't cave in on them......

The News As I See It: Tiger Woods and Jesse James (Sandra Bullock's cheating husband) both went to sex rehab saying they were "addicted to sex." That's the grown-up version of "A dog ate my homework." The Jesse James story keeps getting worse. Now, his fifth mistress says she’s planning to go public. I guess Tiger Woods is feeling the heat of competition. He just announced that he’s quitting golf again so he can concentrate on his affairs.

President Obozo is canceling the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids will be on the White House lawn drilling for oil. Obozo is opening up to drilling along the Florida coast. Environmentalists say that it’s a protected habitat. Not for marine life, but for Cuban rafters. Obozo issued a proclamation declaring Cesar Chavez Day. So, besides Easter, this week has both Passover and Cesar Chavez Day. One holiday celebrates the flight of the Jewish people from Egypt to Israel, and the other celebrates the flight of the Mexican people from Tijuana to Los Angeles.

Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA, and he has frightening information. He says Iran was just weeks away from developing their own Toyota Prius. Because it's Easter, Catholic priests have been hearing confession all week — mostly from other Catholic priests.

This Date In History: 1513; Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida. 1792; Congress authorized the first U.S. mint, in Philadelphia. 1865; Confederate president Jefferson Davis and most of his cabinet fled the Confederate capital of Richmond, Va. 1870; Victoria Claflin Woodhull announced her candidacy for president of the United States.

1917; President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany. 1932; Charles Lindbergh paid a $50,000 ransom for the return of his kidnapped son. 1982; Argentina seized the Falkland Islands from Britain. 2005; Pope John Paul II died.

Picture Of The Day: Easter is this Sunday and today's pictures continue (for the most part) with that theme. It was difficult to choose between the many good pictures on the Internet and I hope that you enjoy my selections.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, "Where the hell is my roof?" 2) The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 3) If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. 4) Baseball season starts next week and President Obozo is going to throw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. Joe Biden will also be on hand to make the first error. 5) It's going to be a laid back weekend and I think I'll just hang out with my Peeps.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Hans Christian Andersen, writer 1805, Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi, sculptor of Statue of Liberty 1834, Émile Zola, novelist 1840, Max Ernst, painter 1891, Alec Guinness, actor 1914, Georgie Anne Geyer, foreign correspondent 1935, Marvin Gaye, singer, songwriter 1939.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. The brain said, "I should be in charge because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." The blood said, "I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

The stomach said, "I should be in charge because I process food and give all of you energy." The legs said, "I should be in charge because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." The eyes said, "I should be in charge because I allow the body to see where it goes." The rectum said, "I should be in charge because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work, the asshole is usually in charge (How's that hopey-changey thing workin' out for ya?).

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three guys of questionable intelligence died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?" The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."

St. Peter replies, "Wrong!", and proceeds to ask the second man the same question, "What is Easter?" The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter shakes his head in disgust and says, "also wrong!"

St. Peter looks at the third man and asks, "What is Easter?" The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye and says, "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross."

St. Peter smiled and said, "Go in." The third man continued, "He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. The man explained, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal. Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows so he borrowed the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complained that the bull just eats grass and wont even look at the cows. The banker suggested that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returned to see if the vet helped. The farmer looked very pleased and said, "The bull serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor’s cows." The banker said, "Wow, what did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer replied, "Just gave him some pills." The banker said, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don’t know but they sort of taste like peppermint."

That's it for today my little Easter Bunnies. Remember, the best contraceptive for old people is nudity. Have a great weekend and a Happy Easter. More on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Easter Week - Time To Buy New Clothes For Easter Sunday Church Services

We only got new clothes three times a year, namely the start of the school year, Christmas and Easter. There was a standing rule that after school, you took off your "school clothes" and changed into your "play clothes". Then, you did your chores and finished your homework. After that, we were free to play until supper time.

We always had an area that we are allowed to roam and play, usually within a two block radius of the house. Being caught beyond those boundaries meant a good ass whipping and confinement to the house for a period of time. My mother had a special whistle when she wanted us to come home and everyone in the neighborhood knew the sound of that whistle. I'm not referring to the type of whistle that a football referee uses. I'm talking about pursing one's lips and whistling. Nevertheless, Mom's whistle could be heard from blocks away and the old "I didn't hear your whistle" excuse usually fell on deaf ears.

The weekend before Easter, Mom would take us to the store and buy us new clothes for Easter Sunday. Sister Jeanne always got a pretty new dress and shoes and Brother Kirt and I either got a new suit (pictured above) or new shirts for our older suits. We pretty much knew that our Sunday school clothes were never going to be worn to school and were reserved for church. While Mom was interested in having the children look nice at church, we were much more interested in getting home from church for the Easter egg hunt.

Mom always took special care in preparing our Easter baskets, making sure that each kid's basket was exactly the same. She would out the "special egg" that we wrote our names on in the front of the basket so we would know which basket was ours. There were some small creme candy eggs that were covered in chocolate, but the insides were white and each had it's own flavor. Besides the chocolate rabbit, the Reese's peanut butter eggs were my favorites. I can close my eyes and still taste them.....

Friday: Going to church on Easter Morning. To be continued.....

The News As I See It: During a fund raising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it’s in Dick Cheney’s basement. It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I’m sure the strippers didn’t want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians.

President Obozo made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this weekend. I guess after 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go somewhere where there was less fighting. It was a pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn’t even get a chance to say something stupid about it. Actually, Biden isn't very bright to begin with. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

The president met with Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai. Obama demanded more accountability, a crackdown on corruption, and a better government. He said that if it works in Afghanistan, he’s going to try it in the United States. Obozo also said this week that adjustments will need to be made to the new healthcare law. In fact, it’s getting so many adjustments, Obozo’s now calling it "the Heidi Montag of congressional bills."

Sarah Palin has been campaigning for select Republicans including John McCain, who’s in a tough Senate race in Arizona. How does he introduce her? "And now the young woman who cost me the presidency."

Former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson is touting Extenze, a scam that claims to make the male penis larger. Either Johnson needs money badly or he is as stupid as he acts. Since Johnson is an egotistical dick, It will be interesting to see if, by using Extenze, he gets taller.

Ricky Martin recently announced that he is gay. On his Web site, he wrote "I’m a fortunate, homosexual man." That’s like Larry King coming out as "old." I think it's safe to say that this was a case of "Didn’t need to ask, didn’t need to tell." Sandra Bullock and her husband may get a divorce. Even people who thought Ricky Martin was straight saw that one coming.

This Date In History: 1492; Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand of Spain expelled Jews who would not accept Christianity. 1889; The Eiffel Tower in Paris officially opened. 1917; The United States took possession of the Virgin Islands. 1918; Daylight Saving Time went into effect in the United States. 1949; Newfoundland became Canada's tenth province.

1959; The Dalai Lama, fleeing Chinese repression of an uprising in Tibet, arrived at the Indian border and was granted political asylum. 1968; President Lyndon Johnson announced that he would not run for re-election. 1995; Mexican-American singer Selena Quintanilla-Perez, 23, is shot by the president of her fan club in Corpus Christi, Texas.

1995; Major League Baseball players agreed to end the sport’s longest strike in history after a judge ordered a preliminary injunction against team owners.

Picture Of The Day: Easter pictures dominate this week and I can't envision a more pleasant scene than a child waking up on Easter Sunday to see what the Easter Bunny brought.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was young, I asked my father what Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket? He told me, "Two points, just like anyone else." 2) One thing I enjoy about Easter is that I can hide my own eggs. 3) When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair? 4) A receding hairline is ten rabbits marching backward. 5) There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My pal Jackie in Alabama. Happy Birthday Baby! René Descartes, scientist, philosopher 1596, Franz Haydn, composer 1732, Nikolai Gogol, short-story writer, novelist 1809, Robert Wilhelm Bunsen, scientist 1811, Jack Johnson, boxer 1878, Octavio Paz, poet and critic 1914, Cesar Chavez, American labor leader 1927, Albert Gore, Jr., former vice president 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" The old man said, "There's something wrong with my dick." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." The old man said, "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." The receptionist said, "We do not use language like that here. Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" The old man said, "There's something wrong with my 'ear'." The receptionist nodded approvingly, "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" The old man said, "I can't piss out of it."

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. The doctor said, "Come now, you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." The woman said, "This one's kind of strange. Yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." The Doctor said, "I see. Go on."

She continued, "That afternoon, I went again and there were nickels in the bowl and this morning, there were dimes and quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me! I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through the change"

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. She said to the doctor, "The hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?' The woman said, "On my balls, which is something else I want to talk to you about."

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still somewhat scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news." Peter takes hold of John and calms him down saying, "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?"

John says, "The good news is Christ is risen." Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?" John, looking around, says, "He's really pissed about last Friday."

That's it for today my little Easter peeps. Remember, a lot of people have heard opportunity knocking at the door, but by the time they unlocked the chain, pushed back the bolt, turned two locks, and shut off the burglar alarm, it was gone. It's Hump Day and I'm going to AREA 51 for Happy Hour, More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !