Grocery Shopping with The Kids

Small children have little or no concept of money, which leads me to a story when I was married. It was a day when, for some unknown reason, I took the three kids with me to buy something at the supermarket.

Under normal circumstances, my wife did the grocery shopping and quite frankly, I don't remember if she took the kids with her or not. Methinks it was a little of both.

Nevertheless, this particular trip I picked a few things for a barbecue and, naturally, the kids were eyeing all the little candy and toys that the devious fiends at the grocery store put at a child's eye level.

After about the 30th "Can I have that?", I told the kids they could each have one thing and to choose wisely. They then "quietly" began their adventure searching the store for that "one" thing. I use the word "quietly" because I would never stand for screaming kids in any store, especially my own.

Eventually, they all found what they wanted and they turned to me and asked, "Aren't you going to buy 'one' thlng for you?" I replied that I didn't need anything and that I didn't have any more money, anyway (not true, but I thought it would end questioning).

My oldest then said, "That doesn't matter, just write a check like Mom does." Obviously what they didn't know was that Mom didn't work outside the home and all of those magical checks she wrote were replaced with cash from me. They just assumed that checks meant money.....

I have a friend who needs some help. His wife told him to go to the drugstore and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he got back, he tossed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can anyone help him?

The News As I See It: The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care Act will cost them thousands extra a year in premiums. Wait a minute. It's their bill. If it's too expensive, why did they name it the Affordable Care Act?

In an interview with Univision, Anthony Weiner said he created the online name, Carlos Danger, as a joke. Weiner was like "Come on, what's funnier than the name Carlos Danger?" They we're like, "Uh, Anthony Weiner?"

Obama turned 52 on Sunday. These days, when he looks in the mirror, he has to admit that he's not the strapping young Muslim socialist that he used to be.

There's a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, "It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings — I need the whole deal."

This Date In History: 1861; For the first time, the U.S. government levied an income tax. 1884; The cornerstone for the Statue of Liberty was laid on Bedloe's Island. 1914; The first electric traffic lights were installed in Cleveland, Ohio. 1962; Marilyn Monroe died.

1963; The United States, Britain, and the Soviet Union signed the limited Test Ban Treaty, which prohibited nuclear weapon tests in the atmosphere, in outer space, and underwater. 1969; The U.S. space probe Mariner 7 transmitted pictures of Mars.

1984; Joan Benoit won the first Olympic women's marathon. 2002; The gun turret of the Civil War ironclad USS Monitor was raised from the ocean floor. 2003; The Rev. Gene Robinson was approved as the first openly gay bishop by the U.S. Episcopal Church.

2012; The plutonium-powered rover Curiosity successfully lands on Mars. Larger than earlier rovers, Curiosity will spend two years examining the land, looking for evidence that conditions on Mars are fit for life.

Picture Of The Day: Today's pictures are from the same photographer. I liked the series because of the twilight effect and the choice of locale. I hope you like them. 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. 2) Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook. 3) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner and recently quit smoking, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 4) I think that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a Science class or two. 5) One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - August 5th: Starving yourself does not help you lose weight. In fact, it can be very detrimental to your health. You ask any dead person and they'll say, "Yep, that's right, I'm very thin!"

Birthdays: Guy de Maupassant, author 1850, Conrad Aiken, author 1889, John Huston, filmmaker 1906, Neil Armstrong, American astronaut, first man on the moon 1939, Patrick Ewing, basketball player 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Have you been drinking tonight sir?" The elderly gent replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?"

The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man replied, "Oh, thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi."

The old man whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Wally for his contribution to today's stories.

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside."

The pharmacist continued, "I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up."

The pharmacist went on, "I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone kept ringing."

The frustrated pharmacist said, "When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it and all of them hit the floor and broke."

He said, "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

A man met an older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57 and they drank and shot the breeze a bit. Then she asked if he'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? He said no.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom you still awake?"

That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, a sober friend will always have your back. A drunk friend will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

There's One In Every Grocery Store

I have the innate ability to find the grocery store check out line that always has the weirdest person in the store. It is not an easy fete, but I am the champion.

On Sunday at 7 am, I once again located that particular person who evidently is the designated grocery purchaser for all the residents in the institution that she has been committed to.

I naturally look for the shortest line, but there is no particular way that one can recognize these creatures. To date, no one has ascertained from which rock these odd people crawl out from under. Once I choose a line and realize my poor choice, I am usually blocked in by two or three full grocery carts, replete with mischievous imps.

Naturally, these carts always have the entourage of little urchins, one of which mommy always chooses to load into the baby seat, despite the fact that the child is old enough to shave.

Trapped in line, my first indication that I was in trouble was when a rather lovely woman (always my downfall) seemed to panic when she couldn't find the separator bar, which defines where her order ends and mine begins (she literally turned to the next cashier and asked her for one).

Personally, I was rather sure the cashier could spot that imaginary dividing line where the flowering plants, organic foods, tofu and natural spring water stopped and the case of Corona beer, potato chips and deli fried chicken began. Then again, I am somewhat of a soothsayer.

As we progressed to the end of her order and the cashier announced her total, then, and only then did this nut job begin to dig into a purse so large it could have been used to carry her entire grocery order to the space ship. After searching for a while ostensibly to find her wallet and pay with cash, she pulled out a checkbook and began to write a check.

It was at that moment that I observed, "I guess this trip to the grocery store caught you a bit off guard, huh?" She glared at me and asked, "What do you mean?" I responded, "I probably would have put my checkbook at the top of that bottomless receptacle so that it would have been a bit easier to find. Let me guess, I bet it was hidden between the sleeping bag and the lawn chair, huh?"

As she walked away with a huff, with the bag boy in tow pushing her cart, I said, "Good luck finding your keys." She wasn't amused but the cashier and the surrounding shoppers seemed to enjoy the show.....

Sipping on his third glass of wine late on the sixth day, God put down his crayolas and admired his latest creation.

The News As I See It: California Governor Jerry Brown announced the state budget for next year is projected to net an $851 million surplus and this year they'll have a surplus of $785 million. It's a huge achievement for Governor Brown. Apparently you can get a lot done when you're not walking around saying "I'll be back" all the time.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton returned to work last week and as a joke, her staff gave her a helmet. This is the second time a Clinton in government has been asked to wear protection

A New Jersey gubernatorial political opponent is accusing Governor Chris Christie of praying for Hurricane Sandy. In response, Christie said the only weather-related thing he's ever prayed for is a Dairy Queen Blizzard."

American Express announced that it had to cut more than 5,000 jobs. Even worse is how they told their employees. They said, "American Express. Don't leave home."

New York Jet quarterback Tim Tebow is now selling his own line of headphones. You can tell they are Tim Tebow headphones. Once you hook it up to your iPod, it barely plays.

Sean Penn is in the movie "Gangster Squad". Penn is a villain who says crazy things and punches out good guys. I'm not sure what he does in the movie.

This Date In History: 1639; The first constitution of Connecticut, Fundamental Orders, was adopted. 1784; The United States ratified treaty with England ending the Revolutionary War. 1943; President Roosevelt and Prime Minister Churchill meet at the Casablanca Conference.

1953; Tito formally became the first president of the Republic of Yugoslavia. 1954; Marilyn Monroe married baseball legend Joe DiMaggio. 1963; George Wallace sworn in as Alabama's governor, promising "segregation forever."

1973; The Miami Dolphins became the first NFL team to go undefeated and have a perfect season by beating the Washington Redskins in Super Bowl VII. 1990; The Simpsons premiered on television.

2008; Bobby Jindal takes office as governor of Louisiana as the first elected Indian-American governor of the U.S.

Picture Of The Day: I believe I spent a bit too long in the produce section.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Love comes in all shapes and sizes. By the time love came to me, all the good shapes and sizes were taken. 2) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep. 3) The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan and Yemen.I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway. 4) A tree fell in the forest. A man didn't hear it. He's dead now. 5) Honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 14th: The temperature will affect you this week in ways that I simply cannot foresee. I believe it will be the kind of temperature that requires the movement of clothing, either on or off, because it will be either hot or cold.....or possibly somewhere in between. You and biscuits are going to be inseparable today.

Birthdays: My pal Andy - Happy Birthday! 19XX, Benedict Arnold, general and traitor 1741, Henri Fantin-Latour, painter 1836, Berthe Morisot, impressionist painter 1841, R.F. Outcault, cartoonist and illustrator 1863, Albert Schweitzer, Alsatian Medical Missionary 1875, Hugh Lofting, writer 1886.

John Dos Passos, novelist 1896, Harold Russell, soldier and actor 1914, Yukio Mishima, writer 1925, Julian Bond, politician 1940, Faye Dunaway, actress 1941, Shannon Lucid, astronaut and biochemist 1943, Maureen Dowd, journalist 1952, Steven Soderbergh, filmmaker 1963, Emily Watson, actress 1967.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting Season in a rural area near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged, "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.

Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"

Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."

Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh my! Oh my!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.

Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: There was a bit of confusion at the local Walmart store yesterday. When I was ready to pay for my purchase of a box of shotgun shells the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the manager about the anti-gun people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I think they really need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a player who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching the news he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. Kaboom! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. Kablooey! Then he threw another at a passing car going 20 mph. Bulls eye!

The coach says to himself, "I've got to get this guy! He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football and the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the latest great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. He says into the phone, "Mom, I just won the Super Bowl!" The old woman answered, "I don't want to talk to you. You are not my son!"

Th young player said, "I don't think you understand, mother. I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans." His mother retorts, "No! Let me tell you. At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!"

That's it for today, my little foxes. Remember, a government that robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul ~ George Bernard Shaw. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Will That Be Paper Or Plastic?

I went grocery shopping today and on several occasions, I had the burning desire to ask one or two shoppers who had dressed them this morning. I'm not suggesting that a tuxedo or formal gown be the norm, but at least wear your best going-to-church flip-flops.

I'm not talking about Walmart shoppers. I was at Publix and normally, the majority of the shoppers there look ok. I started to wonder if Walmart was closed for the day and all the cattle went to Publix. 

Women wandering around in tent dresses and their men trudging behind them wearing bermuda shorts and black socks is not a pretty sight. I do excuse mothers of two or more children for their attire as I'm quite sure their concern for appearance was at the bottom of their list. Actually, from the antics of some of the kiddies, I'm amazed their mothers didn't just leave them in the store.

Thankfully, there is the occasional sweet young thing shopping and talking on the phone at the same time. We somehow always seem to wind up on the same aisle. Coincidence, I guess.....

I went fishing at a local lake near my home and caught a few small bass which I released. I also caught an exotic fish that I could not identify and I've been fishing for many years. This is not the fish, but it is the same size and the same species. I assume someone had a tropical fish that got too big for the tank and released it into the lake. Not a good idea as exotic species sometimes kill off indigenous species.

The News As I See It: France has a new president. He is Socialist François Hollande. He defeated Conservative French President Sarkozy in a presidential run-off yesterday. Of course, Nicolas Sarkozy handed over power in the traditional French manner....he surrendered. Hollande lives with a woman that he is not married to. Their relationship is described as French.

Joe O'Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage and now, Obama has endorsed gay marriage as well. To show he's serious, Obama is now hiring gay Secret Service agents. Obama is jumping on all the band wagons, scrounging for votes. His re-election campaign is focusing very hard on Latino voters. That explains President Obama's new campaign slogan, "If you squint, I kind of look Puerto Rican."

Rick Santorum finally endorsed Mitt Romney at 11:00 last night. Apparently Santorum endorsed Mitt Romney last night very late via email. That just makes Santorum one of the 10 million guys ashamed of what he did late last night on his computer.

Some good news for that New Jersey tanning mom. Over the weekend at Newark's airport she bought a ticket from New York to Los Angeles for only $50. Apparently they mistook her for a piece of baggage.

Remember those American hikers that were detained and accused of spying in Iran? Well, two of them got married. They're now on their honeymoon, hiking the beautiful mountains of North Korea.

 In a new interview, Joe O'Biden said the sitcom "Will and Grace" made America more comfortable with gay people. O'Biden also said the sitcom character "Urkel" made America more comfortable with Obama. Obama says his campaign for a second term is still about hope and change. The president's exact words were, "I hope I won't have to change my address."

I really enjoyed the Cinco de Mayo holiday which celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French. Then again, if you have to use defeating the French military as a reason to spend the day drinking, you're probably an alcoholic already. For most people, it was over a year since the last time they threw up in a sombrero. If it weren't for the Irish and the Mexicans, between the Super Bowl and the 4th of July, we would have no reason to get drunk.

Last Friday was "Take Your Daughter to a Tanning Booth Day" in New Jersey. The mother from Nutley plead not guilty to child endangerment charges. Her lawyer says she suffers from a condition called "Tanorexia."

This Date In History: 1914; Mother's Day became a public holiday. 1926; Explorers Richard E. Byrd and Floyd Bennett flew over the North Pole. 1936; Fascist Italy annexed Ethiopia.

1962; The Beatles signed their first recording contract and hired George Martin to be their producer. 1978; The body of slain former Italian prime minister Aldo Moro was found in an automobile in Rome.

1984; It took the Chicago White Sox 25 innings, eight hours, and six minutes, over two days, to finally defeat the Milwaukee Brewers, 7-6. It was the longest game (in elapsed time) in major-league history.

1994; The South African parliament chose Nelson Mandela as president. 2004; Chechnya's Moscow-backed leader, Akhmad Kadyrov, was killed in a bombing. Six others were killed and another 60 wounded.

Picture Of The Day: The moms out there have their hands full shopping and keeping an eye on the children.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) In politics, Deja Poo is described as the feeling that you've heard this crap before. 2) As a kid, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 3) Did anybody watch the Kentucky Derby? Once again it was won by a black guy from Kenya. 4) I want to thank the new underwear bomber. Now, thanks to him, all our undies will have to be put in a tray. 5) It is said that the only difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is one degree in the normal reading. Personally, I think the main difference would be in the taste.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 9th: The stars are aligned for you today and if you ever enjoyed the antics of "Soupy Sales", you're in for a treat. Additionally, it's "hump day" so you've got two good reasons to have a great evening. Chance of romance is 64.71 percent. Do not attempt to fry bacon in the nude.

Birthdays: Belle Boyd, Civil War spy 1844, Sir James Barrie, playwright 1860, Howard Carter, Egyptologist 1873, "Pancho" Gonzales, tennis player 1928, Glenda Jackson, actress 1936, Albert Finney, actor 1936, John Ashcroft, attorney general 1942, Billy Joel musician, singer, songwriter 1949.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill:

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. The doctor said, "On a woman, the heart would be just below the left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Uh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was. The doc said, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" The man replied, "No." The doctor said, "Do you drink in excess?" The old man said, "No"

The doctor asked, "Do you have a sex life?" The man replied, "Yes, I do!" The doc said, "Well, I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life" Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the looking or the wishing?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming:

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer loaned the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after, he saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and shot at it.

Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd shot at, so he ran to the farmhouse and described his target to the farmer. He said, "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it smelled like hell!"

The farmer said, "Oh, shit! Did you hit it?" The boy said, "I don't think so." The farmer said, "You're lucky you didn't hit it my boy. From your description, I think you shot at my neighbor's wife!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says, "That will be $11.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. The waitress asks, "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad." The ostrich says, "Same for me."

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $16.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer an says, "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

The man says, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."The waitress exclaims, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

That's it for today, my little puddin' heads. Remember, alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk. I'm heading over to AREA 51 to begin partying for my birthday week. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !