The Beatles arrived on Pan Am Flight 101 at New York’s John F. Kennedy Airport. on February 7, 1964.They didn’t really know what to expect. Even though they had a No. 1 hit with "I Want to Hold Your Hand," they’d heard enough stories about other British musicians who failed to connect in America.
An emotional crowd of somewhere between three and five thousand greeted the Beatles at the airport and "Beatlemania" had arrived. It was the first visit to the United States by the Beatles who had just scored their first Number One U.S. hit six days before with "I Want to Hold Your Hand."
At Kennedy, the "Fab Four" dressed in mod suits and sporting their trademark pudding bowl haircuts nearly caused a riot when the boys stepped off their plane and onto American soil. Two days later, Paul McCartney, age 21, Ringo Starr, 23, John Lennon, 23, and George Harrison, 20, made their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show.
Although it was difficult to hear the performance over the screams of teenage girls in the studio audience, an estimated 73 million U.S. television viewers, or about 40 percent of the U.S. population, tuned in to watch. Sullivan immediately booked the Beatles for two more appearances that month.
The rest, as they say, is history. The Beatles went on to become one of the most influential sounds in music and the number one band in sales. It was the best of times, back in the day, and I can say I was there to enjoy it......
The News As I See It: After 30 years on the bench, Justice Kennedy is retiring from the Supreme Court. He's 81 years old, so he's going to go from sitting around in a robe all day to sitting around in a robe all day.
According to a new study, older people who have sex regularly tend to have better memories, while the people who walked in on them just want to forget.
I read a very interesting story in the newspaper today. For the younger readers, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
This Date In History: 1613; London's Globe Theatre burned down during a performance of Shakespeare's Henry VIII. 1767; The British Parliament approved the Townshend Acts. 1972; The Supreme Court ruled in Furman v. Georgia that the death penalty could constitute "cruel and unusual" prompting some states to revise their laws.
1995; The shuttle Atlantis and the Russian space station Mir docked, forming the largest man-made satellite ever to orbit Earth. 2003; Actress Katharine Hepburn died.
Picture Of The Day: The boys deplane.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My girlfriend told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down. 2) One thing that both White and Black people know, but Spanish people do not, is that chicken is food, not a roommate. 3) As kids, we all used to skinny dip. Nowadays, most of us just chunky dunk. 4) Did you ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and blaming it on the republicans? 5) They asked me who my friend was and I said, "His name is Sanjay although you may know him as Mike from Microsoft customer service.".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Cancer - June 29th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .
Birthdays: George Goethals, engineer 1858, George Ellery Hale, astronomer 1868, James Van Der Zee, photographer 1886, Antoine de Saint Exupéry, aviator 1900, Slim Pickens, cowboy and actor 1919,
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: I met a beautiful girl last night in the Area 51 bar. She just walked up and said, "Hi, my name's Carmen." I said, "That's a beautiful name. Is it a family name?"
She said, "No, I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men. What's your name?" I said, "B.J. Titsenfishing."
Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"
Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine..."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? The coroner replied, "No, I did not."
The attorney asked, "Did you listen to the heart?" The coroner answered, "No, I did not." The attorney: said, "Did you check for breathing?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney said, "So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?" The coroner replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
A woman stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers and bared her soul to the congregation. "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, suffered this past month."
She continued, "He was riding his motorcycle, lost control and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. She continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He can hardly lift anything, he's in a lot pain and he has missed work because of it."
His wife added, "Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal."
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There, but for the grace of God, go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation. "My name is Jim and I have only one word for my wife. Honey, the word is 'sternum'."
That's it for today, my little rosebuds Remember, memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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If it's "only $19.95" and "not sold in stores", don't buy it. If your attorney advertises on TV at 3 o'clock in the morning, get a new attorney. If your prescription drugs are advertising and the side effects include: death, blindness, tuberculosis, liver damage, anal leakage, loss of sense of humor, et cetera, ad nauseum, don't buy it.
Lets begin with the "Only $19.95" game, Why don't they just charge $20? Because the price looks cheaper, but let's face it, it's $20, plus shipping and handling. Ten year guarantee! Really? A corporation cost less than $500 to create and it's usually "offshore" Yeah, that'll be a successful lawsuit.
If the spokesperson speaks so shrill and loudly, you check to see of your cat got it's tail stuck in the door, just change the TV channel. "Act now and we'll double the offer, Just pay shipping and handling". Guess what that will cost? Another $20! There is no such thing as a free lunch!
Attorneys who advertise on TV in the AM are usually the bottom of the barrel. Owning a real estate company, I have dealt with attorneys all of my career. I never met (or used) those who do their own advertising on TV. The major issue always seem to be how much money they earned for a client, Good attorneys are more prone to look out after your interests.
Drug companies drive me crazy with their new drugs. Whoever creates the names of these products should be sent back to school to learn English.
Since most people over 50 usually have one malady or the other, I sometimes listen to the information. The final straw is when they list possible side effects and one quickly decides that the thirty-odd side effects do not justify using the drug.
The News As I See It: Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.
In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up in to three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California, and Kardashistan.
Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting."
Sonic has introduced a new flavor of its iced slushes. Apparently, they've run out of ideas because this new flavor is Pickle Juice. This is great news for people who are hot, thirsty and well into their second trimester.
Sonic says if this goes well, they're all set to unveil their next exciting flavor, Cabbage Drippings. Sonic claims the new flavor has "a distinctly summer vibe to create new summer memories." Memories like, "Hey! You remember that time I threw up at Sonic?"
This Date In History: 1815; Napoleon abdicated his throne for the second time after his defeat at Waterloo. 1870; The U.S. Justice Department was created. 1874; Dr. Andrew Still became the first to practice osteopathy. 1944; President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the G.I. Bill of Rights.
1969; Singer-actress Judy Garland died. 1987; Actor-dancer-singer Fred Astaire died. 2011; Legendary Boston crime boss,James "Whitey" Bulger is found and arrested by federal authorities in Santa Monica, Calif.
Picture Of The Day: Child with body guards.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again. 2) My parents moved a lot when I was younger. We kids always managed to track them down though.
3) Life tip - Buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift. 4) Cuisine is something like food, but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you desire authentic French cuisine, the waiter will insult you as you are served. 5) It takes over five words to say "I love you" in Hawaiian. All it really takes is a pineapple and fifty dollars for those in the know.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - June 22nd: With every passing moment you are pissing away your life reading nonsense on the Internet. For this reason, any film you watch over the coming weekend will stay with you forever. Please ensure the film is not Tomb Raider.
Birthdays: Julian Sorell Huxley, biologist, author 1887, Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author 1906, Joseph Papp, stage producer, director 1921, Bill Blass, fashion designer 1922, Dianne Feinstein, senile senator 1933, Kris Kristofferson, composer 1936, Meryl Streep, ultra liberal actress 1949.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that she would be called "woman."
God said, "This pretty woman will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement."
God continued, "She will praise you!
She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg." Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a strange bottle. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."
The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"
The guys says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this Sex book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about."
Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed and asks the nurse who sent them.
The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too."
The woman asks, "What about the third rose?" The nurse says, "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."
That's it for today, my little butter cups. Remember, pepperoni, cheese, anchovies or jalapenos added to jokes upon request; your mileage may vary; no substitutions! I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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In the Civil War, sides were drawn by state politicians and the fighting began. Brother against brother, American versus American. Few soldiers knew why the war began, but they did their duty and over 620,000 Americans died and more were wounded.
The US Civil War was incontrovertibly the bloodiest, most devastating conflict in American history, and it remains unknown - and unknowable - exactly how many men died or were wounded in Union and Confederate uniform.
If you are serving or ever served your country in the armed forces, police or firefighters, you are aware that when given an order, you must obey it without question or hesitancy. Though you may or may not know the reasoning, you do what's asked of you.
Approximately one in four soldiers that went to war never returned home. At the outset of the war, neither army had mechanisms in place to handle the amount of death that the nation was about to experience. There were no national cemeteries, no burial details and no messengers of loss.
After the war ended, poverty and poor relief, especially in times of acute food shortages, were major challenges facing Union and Confederate authorities. Cemeteries and statues began to slowly arise, Both were memorials to the thousands of young soldiers were killed or wounded during the worst war in U.S. history.
The current trend of tearing down or removal statues and memorials are tantamount to plowing up a cemetery. The morons who do these actions have no idea of the severity of the Civil and how many lives it effected. I wonder how they would feel if someone dug up and destroyed their mother's grave over petty politics.....
The News As I See It: U.S. Immigration agents raided hundreds of 7-Eleven stores to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country?
At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.
I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.
This Date In History: 1773, The first public museum in the U.S. was established in Charleston, S.C. 1896; H. L. Smith took the first X-ray photograph. It was a hand with a bullet in it. 1915; The U.S. House of Representatives rejected a proposal to give women the right to vote.
1932; Hattie W. Caraway, a democrat from Arkansas became the first woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate. 1991; A divided Congress gave President Bush the go-ahead on the Persian Gulf War. 1998; Nineteen European countries signed an agreement banning human cloning.
2010; Haiti is dealt a catastrophic blow when a magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes 10 miles southwest of Port-au-Prince, the country's capital. It is the region's worst earthquake in 200 years. The number of fatalities were between 46,000 and 85,000 people.
Picture Of The Day:
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150. 2) My friend's grandmother's name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it. 3) I ran into a woman as I walked around a corner causing her to drop a pile of papers and we didn’t immediately fall in love as we picked them up so now I’ll never trust movies again. 4) Is it considered multitasking if you pee a little when you sneeze? 5) CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after your done.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - January 12th: Don't trust little birdies, most of them lie. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Unfortunately, all the good shapes and sizes are already taken. Bread, lightly cooked and buttered. Today's horoscope was sponsored by Toast.
Birthdays: Charles Perrault, poet 1628, Edmund Burke, political writer and statesman 1729, John Hancock, political leader in the American Revolution and signer of the Declaration of Independence 1737, John Singer Sargent, painter 1856, Jack London, novelist 1876, Joe Frazier, boxer 1944, Rush Limbaugh, radio personality 1951.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, "My mother-in-law got a pretty good look at you."
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women from England, Wales and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No." So, she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, "Have ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No," She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
The Moral Of The Story: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
With a seductive smile, the woman purred, "Yes."
Her husband says, "Thank God, for a moment, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
That's it for today, my little artichoke hearts. Remember, asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you in trouble (It's not important how I know that). I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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New Year's Eve nears and, as usual, I haven't made any plans yet. But every year I seem to find a way to celebrate the New Year. I usually try to stay close to home as all the amateur drinkers are on the road.
On top of that, most restaurants and bars raise their prices and I'm not in the mood to have my pocket picked for a glass of bad champagne, a hat and a cheap noise maker. But if you've never had the pleasure of being out on New Year's Eve, I guess you have to try it once or twice.
I want to thank my friends, family and especially my readers for a good 2017. May everyone be blessed and safe as we await 2018.
The News As I See It: Looking forward to New Year's Eve reminded me of my last sojourn to a restaurant on New Year's Eve where I was put on a waiting list. I left when I heard the Maitre d' announce, "Donner? Party of 89...Donner?"
Did you know that years ago this fall, back in 1850, California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
This Date In History: 1179; Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury, was murdered by four knights acting under the orders of Henry II. 1845; Texas became the 28th state in the United States. 1851; The first Young Men's Christian Association (YMCA) opened in Boston.
1890; The last major battle of the Indian Wars, at Wounded Knee Creek, took place with hundreds of Indian men, women, and children massacred. 1937; The Constitution of Ireland, changing the Irish Free State into Eire, went into effect.
1940; During World War II, Germany began dropping incendiary bombs on London. 1989; Vaclav Havel was elected president of Czechoslovakia. 1996; A peace agreement was signed, ending 36 years of conflict in Guatemala.
Picture Of The Day: Happy New Year to all my family, friends and readers.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Apparently sitting here on my new lawn furniture, drinking my vodka and minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.
2) Starbucks should have a separate line for people who don't know what they want or how the world works. 3) I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can park anywhere. 4) According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again. 5) My friend's teenage kid said he wanted to go to JFK for some fried chicken. He won't be majoring in history but it's nice to know he is scouting out his career options.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 29th: Walk without shoes for a day and you will soon understand the true nature of the soul. Life will throw many things at you over the coming months, including a book-shelf which you will have to assemble yourself because you bought it from IKEA.
Birthdays: Charles Goodyear, invented vulcanized rubber 1800, Andrew Johnson, 17th President of the United States 1808, William Gladstone, statesman 1809, Pablo Casals, virtuoso cellist 1876, William "Billy" Mitchell, aviator, soldier 1879, Vera Brittain, novelist, poet 1893, Mary Tyler Moore, actress 1936, Jon Voight, actor, director, writer 1938, Patricia Clarkson, actor 1859, Jude Law, actor 1972.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
An elderly nun at the back of the room says, "Thank God, I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $100,000 for the year.
The deli owner asked, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year and you want to know how I made $100,000?"
The agent replied, "It's not your income that bothers us. It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The deli owner answered, "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you. We also deliver
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my sweet Sandra for her contribution to today's stories.
I once lost my watch at a party. I looked over to see a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude and punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
Old Aunt Clara went to a new doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. She said to the doctor, "It's terrible! I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."
The doctor said, "I see. Have you done anything about it?"
Aunt Clara replied, "Oh, yes. I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."
The doctor said, "No, I mean do you take anything?" Aunt Clara answered, "Just a magazine...
That's it for today, my little New Year's revelers. Remember, women don't consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Remember when you turned 16 and got your driver's license? Yeah, me too. Remember when you turned 21 and could finally go to nightclubs. Yeah, me too. Remember when you came home late from AREA 51 and decided to make breakfast, but you forgot it was unwise to fry bacon naked? Yeah, me too!
Remember when you used to say say the check is in the mail and then you remembered it really was? Yeah, me too. Remember when you told your little brother that George Washington’s brother, Murray, was the Uncle of our Country? Yeah, me too. Remember when you finally got your dream job as a life guard and that blue kid got you fired? Yeah, me too!
Remember when you got your first phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when got your first cell phone? Yeah, me too. Remember when you called that woman you met at the bar and her mother said she was at her probation officer's office because she broke her probation by staying out all night with a really old dude? Yeah, me too!
Remember the good times we had in school? Yeah, me too. Remember all the fun times we've had with family and friends? Yeah, me too. Will you always cherish those memories? Yeah.......me too!
The News As I See It: American Airlines American Airlines has experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. "Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot."
Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.
Arby's has acquired Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion. They didn’t mean to, but like a lot of us, Arby’s got drunk and bought too many wings.
MTV announced it's bringing back the original cast of "Jersey Shore." Can you believe it? Every single cast member was available!
This Date In History: 1824; The presidential election between John Q. Adams, Andrew Jackson, William Crawford, and Henry Clay was turned over to the House of Representatives due to the lack of an electoral-vote majority. 1887; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes appeared for the first time in print in the story "A Study in Scarlet."
1955; Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her front-section bus seat to a white man in Montgomery, Alabama. 1959; Twelve nations, including the United States, signed a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve free from military activity.
1997; Representatives from more than 150 countries gathered at a global warming summit in Kyoto, Japan, and over the course of ten days, forged an agreement to control the emission of greenhouse gases. 1998; Exxon and Mobil agreed to merge, creating the world's largest corporation.
Picture Of The Day: This useless piece of garbage, Jose Zarate (L), who killed Kate Steinle, was found innocent of every charge filled against him with the exception of a felon in possession of a firearm. Zarate had been deported five times and had prior felony convictions. One would think Zarate would have at least been convicted of involuntary manslaughter, which, by definition, is killing someone accidentally. Residents of San Francisco, a sanctuary city, must be very proud.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can't be both.
2) I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread. 3) When I lock eyes with a spider, I don't kill him. I run away and hide so he can spend the whole night stressing and wondering where I am. 4) Politicians should be limited to two terms: One in office and one in prison. 5) When a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak at the knees and he begins to think irrationally? Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new golf bag on leather car seats.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 1st: Look left and right before taking your next step. What you believe to be a good idea will prove to be wrong, especially if it involves a billy goat. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day, assuming you don't go with me to happy hour.
Birthdays: Marie Tussaud, modeler in wax 1761, Walter Alston, baseball manager 1911, Minoru Yamasaki, architect 1912, Mary Martin, singer, actress 1913, Woody Allen, actor, writer, and director 1935, Lee Trevino, golfer 1939, Richard Pryor, comedian, actor 1940, Bette Midler, singer, actress 1945.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Old Jack sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair, when he noticed his grandson kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
Jack said, "If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars." His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Jack was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Jack came back into the garden and gave his grandson another ten dollars. The boy said, "But grandpa, you've already given me the ten dollars you promised." Jack said, "That's from your grandma."
Bubba Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bubba Ray says "I've been running from the cops but I finally lost them."
Dewey then asks. "What the hell did you do?" Bubba Ray replied, "I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" Dewey says, "That's not against the law."
Bubba Ray says, "That's what I thought too, but those guys at Home Depot didn't see it that way!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three priests were in a train station on their way home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight sweater. She made the three priests very nervous so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window and said, "Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg." He completely lost his composure and scurried away.
The second priest goes to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." Mortified, he too hurried away.
The third priest moves to the window and says, "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, I must say, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."
A woman realized that her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The woman goes to the drug store and to get some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
That's it for today, my little broccoli sprouts. Remember, people who say "mayo" instead of "mayonnaise" live 12 yrs longer because of the time they save. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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More next week.
Stay Tuned !
