Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays !

One of the coolest things about Christmas Eve in Miami is that the Cubans and many other Latins celebrate "Noche Buena." Traditionally, it's a an evening where families and friends get together in anticipation of twelve o'clock midnight and the beginning of Christmas day. It is also an event where roasted pork (lechon), yucca con mojo, black beans and rice and other fantastic dishes make up the evening fare.

I was fortunate to join my pals Hector and Lourdes and their families last evening and the dinner was fantastic. We enjoyed drinks at their poolside bar and chatted until the dinner was close to being ready and later, everyone jumped into action to assist in the final preparations. Roasted pork is one of the few foods that I can continue eating even though my stomach protests that there is no more room.

It was a pleasant evening and everyone enjoyed the Christmas Eve dinner. I actually got home at a respectable 12:30 am.

My sincere wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays go out to all my family, friends and readers. May your day be healthy and prosperous.

The News As I See It: There is no Nativity Scene in Washington, D.C. this year! This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in D.C. and the search for a virgin also continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. A new survey in Britain found that seven percent of people plan on taking a sick day from work during the holiday season due to party-related hangovers. Meanwhile, the other 93 percent will just go to work plastered.

President Obama's daughter, Sasha, says that she already bought her dad’s gift. She won’t say what it is but she did say, "It’s something he likes." I wonder how an 8-year-old got her hands on a carton of Marlboro Lights? Former President Bush is writing his memoirs and he says they will focus on 12 major decisions he made in his life. The truth is that 11 of them were made by Dick Cheney.

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians. 1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88. 1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: Since Christmas Day is very much a fantasy for children (and most adults), I though I'd enlist the aid of some of my favorite cartoon pals to assist me with the graphics today. I hope you enjoy them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells. 2) One of my lady friends wanted me to go Christmas shopping with her yesterday. I really hate crowds of crazy shoppers so I just dropped her off at the mall with a GPS. 3) Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present. 4) Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. 5) Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.....and that's five !

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Conrad Hilton, business 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Anwar al-Sadat, Egyptian political leader and President 1918, Jimmy Buffett, musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country musician 1948 Sissy Spacek, actress 1949, Dido, singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Murray Lipschitz went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, Mrs. Lipschitz awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Murray picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. Mrs. Lipschitz said, ''What are we going to do?'' Murray said, ''Nothing, the lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Everyone was seated around the table as the Christmas Dinner was being served. When little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away. His mother admonished, "Tommy, wait until we say our prayer," Little Tommy said, "I don't have to."

His mother insisted, "Of course you do, we always say a prayer before eating at our house." Little Tommy said, "That's at our house, but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" Her mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. Her father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" Her mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

That's it for today my little snow angels. Remember, if you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

In Memory Of My Nephew Jonathan Sullivan

Today is the sixth anniversary of the death of my nephew, Jonathan. It seems like just yesterday that my father, Jonathan, his father Kirt and I, were sitting in my father's living room and shooting the bull. Little Joe, as we called him, was just a toddler then.

Time passed, as time is wont to do and all the kids grew up. Through thick and thin, divorces and the inevitable changes that all families go through, all of the children became healthy adults. Jonathan joined the United States Navy, serving his country like his father and grandfather before him.

Then, I received a phone call one morning from Brother Kirt. He called to tell me that Jonathan had died. A feeling of complete numbness went over my body and I listened while my brother explained the details of Jonathon's death. It felt almost unreal that Jonathan had died. Other than older family members that are taken over time, none of our children or relatives had ever died young.

Sister Jeanne and I drove up to Kirt's home to be with the family and attended the funeral. I was pleased to see all the family and friends that attended the funeral and it made me feel good inside that Jonathan was loved and cared for by so many.

I will reflect today on Jonathn's brief life and be thankful that all my family and especially my children, nieces and nephews are here to enjoy life. My sincere wishes for a wonderful and caring day for Brother Kirt, Jonathan's mother Janet, sisters Sommer, Ashley and Kimberly, and his brothers, Billy and Chance. Rest In Peace, JoJo.

The News As I See It: The Prez has been criticized for only playing sports with other men. Yesterday, he played golf with one of his top female advisers or as Fox News reported it, "Obama plays a round with another woman." Obama has played more golf in nine months than George Bush played in nearly three years. Bush's handicap is 19. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

The White House announced that the government wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his "Cash for Geezers" program." If you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 thousand. The balloon hoax is still in the news. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam.

Prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal aliens by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, gave them bad advice and stole their money. Hmm, I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me. The ASPCA has now released a list of guidelines and tips if you’re going to dress your pet up in a costume for Halloween. The first tip is, “Get a life.”

Donald Trump’s daughter was married last week at one of her father’s golf courses, and she converted to Orthodox Judaism. Of course, as soon as she became Jewish, she was kicked off the golf course. The Congressional attitude about Obamacare is: To see if your health insurance can save your life or just make it a little better, we need to know if you're a government politician or a common taxpayer.

This Date In History: 1636; The college that would later be known as Harvard University is founded by an act of the General Court of Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1886; The Statue of Liberty is formally dedicated by President Grover Cleveland. 1919; US Congress passes the National Prohibition Act, or Volstead Act, despite President Woodrow Wilson's veto of the previous day, introducing Prohibition.

1962; The Cuban Missile Crisis ends as Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev announces his government's intent to dismantle and remove all offensive Soviet weapons from Cuba. 1998; Poet Laureate Ted Hughes dies at his home in Devon aged 68.

Picture Of The Day: A chimpanzee named Dorothy recently died of natural causes. Dorothy was in her late 40s, which is well into retirement age for a chimp, when she succumbed to heart failure. As caregivers at the Sanaga-Yong Chimpanzee Rescue Center bore her by wheelbarrow for burial, the typically boisterous apes rushed to the edge of their wired enclosure and fell silent.

They stood -- wrapping arms around one another, resting on each other's shoulder and not making a sound -- as Dorothy's female keeper adjusted her head in preparation for a final farewell. Dorothy was a "prominent figure" among the extended family of about 25 chimps at Sanaga-Yong, and the sanctuary's caregivers made sure the other apes witnessed her last rites.

The chimps, united in mourning, remained there as they watched Dorothy's keeper give her a final, loving stroke on her forehead and then lowered her into the ground. The chimps already knew the meaning of deep personal loss.
All of those living at Sanaga-Yong had been orphaned when their mothers were killed by hunters.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm embarrassed to tell you that I discovered that my refrigerator has two large unused drawers at the bottom. The fact that they are transparent and you can see that they're obviously empty never dawned on me. As it turns out, that is where one would store vegetables. Please remember to visit me at the AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill. 2) If you choke a Smurf, I wonder what color does it turn? 3) Bigamy is one wife too many. Come to think about it, so is monogamy. 4) It's important to look out for #1, and not to step in #2. 5) I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.....and that's five !

Birthdays: My daughter, Jeannie. Actually, her birthday is tomorrow, so this birthday wish is a day early. Happy B-Day Sweetheart 19XX, My pal, Lourdes - Happy Birthday Baby 19XX, Cornelis Jansen, Flemish theologian 1585, Auguste Escoffie, French chef, and master of the haute-cuisine style of French cookery originated by Marie Antoine Carême 1846, Howard Hanson, American composer 1896, Evelyn Waugh, author of satirical novels 1903, Francis Bacon, painter 1909, Jonas Salk, American doctor and epidemiologist 1914, Cleo Laine, jazz singer 1927, Bill Gates, American business executive 1955.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: An older woman, wanting to put more zest into her life, walks into a tattoo parlour and asks "Do you do custom work?" The artists says, "Yes ma'am, we do." The woman says, "Good! I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh." The artist says, "Okay, strip from the waist down and get up on the table."

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits, examines the tattoos and says, "That doesn't look like them!" The artist says, "Oh yes it does and I can prove it." With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find, who happens to be the town drunk.

The woman spreads he legs and asks the drunk, "Well, what do you think? Do you know who these men are?' The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. "I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt and my pals Frances and Victor for their contributions to today's stories.

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings. The boy said, "Mom, what are all those women doing ?" His mother replied, "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work." The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth!? They're hookers, boy. They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?" His mother says, "Most of them become cab drivers."

** Why Brazil won over Chicago for the 2016 Summer Olympic Games **

Little Johnny had a cursing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damned teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damned train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damned bike leaning against the damned garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

That's it for today my little chili peppers. Remember, sacred cows make the best hamburgers. Hump Day is upon us and I can't find a better reason to go to AREA 51 for Happy Hour. More on Friday

Stay Tuned !