As Christmas Day Nears.....

Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty or nice. I'm usually nice but the naughty thing is normally my downfall. I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Smart women have already learned how to get the gift they really want.

They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location, a picture and pertinent details of the present complete with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what the man wants.

Mens wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and socks.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves. So that's the basic shopping plans for the weekend. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.

Do you feel the Holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 3 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 7,000 more times.

Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class" which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently visited Iowa. He meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.

This Date In History: 1732; Benjamin Franklin began publishing Poor Richard's Almanac. 1776; Thomas Paine published his first American Crisis essay, in which he wrote, "These are the times that try men's souls."

1843; Charles Dickens published "A Christmas Carol." 1946; War broke out in Indochina when Ho Chi Minh attacked the French. 1972; Apollo 17 splashed down in the Pacific, ending the Apollo program of manned lunar landings.

1984; Britain and China signed an accord returning Hong Kong to Chinese sovereignty on July 1, 1997. 1998; President Bill Clinton impeached on two counts by the House of Representatives.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I hate it when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind. 2) As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me. 3) My daughter once asked me what marriage was like, so I threw out all her Barbie and Ken dolls, except for Fat Barbie and bald, drunken Ken. 4) A liter of Johnnie Walker Black scotch......when you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set. 5) I saw a large bear eating a big lunch from the dumpster at Taco Bell. Then he ran off into the woods, ostensibly to prove a point.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 22nd: You may become trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton's greatest hits this week. You can avoid the panther's attack by simply singing along with Michael Bolton but there's no cure from the lingering effects of Bolton's music.

Birthdays: James Oglethorpe, founder of the American colony of Georgia 1696, Thomas Wentworth Higginson, abolitionist 1823, Giacomo Puccini, composer of operas 1858, Connie Mack, baseball player and manager 1862, Edwin Arlington Robinson, poet 1869, Dame Peggy Ashcroft, actress  1907, Lady Bird Johnson, Businessperson, First Lady and Wife of President Lyndon Johnson 1912, Diane Sawyer, television journalist 1945, Ralph Fiennes, actor 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish." 

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Asshole....!"

A man's small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. The child approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!" The guard asked, "What's his name?" The tyke answered, "Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?" The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus the driver says, "Wow that is one ugly baby."

The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks, "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."

The man replied, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman said, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there, get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

Johnny's father said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears at all."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Johnny."

Then, Johnny said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision. Little Johnny said, "Well, that's great, 'cause he sure as hell couldn't wear glasses!!"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, God created marriage so death wouldn't come as such a complete disappointment. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Let's Be Naughty And Spare Santa The Trip

Tomorrow, Santa begins his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his naughty and nice list, so I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles. If he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice. Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox.

Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic plan for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

Most of the neighborhood Latins will celebrate Noche Buena tomorrow. There will be parties and they smell of roasted pork will waffle in the air. Unfortunately, my nearest neighbor also has a karaoke machine with an apparently broken volume control.

I happen to enjoy Latin music but evidently the majority of my neighbor's guests have never heard themselves sing before as not one of the group could be considered a singer, unless you're referring to a sewing machine.

As the evening progresses, the drinks will begin to take their effect and the volume rises. At one point, a woman with a very loud voice will hijack the microphone and began quasi-rambling to music, ad nauseum.

I have never seen the woman, but using my years of experience going to the annual Calle Ocho festival, I mentally visualize her wearing bulging skin tight orange pants, a leopard blouse and too much make-up. That sounds like a double scotch, double bagger, but that's just me......

The News As I See It: According to a recent study, Pokémon go players have collectively walked 5.7 billion miles while using the app. They've walked everywhere except into a job interview.

Amazon's home assistance device, "The echo," is already sold out until after the holidays. In the meantime, if you want to yell at something to turn off the lights or music in your house, just try your kids.

Walmart will close two hours earlier this year on Christmas Eve, at 6:00. Yeah, but the meth lab in the bathroom will stay open until 9:00.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: Merry Christmas everyone !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When I was born, I was given a choice - to be well hung or have a good memory. I can't remember what I chose. 2) All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6 am to go jogging...and I was right. 3) You know you were drunk on Christmas Eve when you realize you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees. 4) It came to my attention one weekend night when I had been drinking that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor. 5) Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo. Here's one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 23rd: Don't regret your past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. Disregard this if you are in prison.

Birthdays: Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908, Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actress 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be ok. Did you enjoy last night?"

She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."

So the old farmer went about his chores. It wasn't too much later when the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Department employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull.

The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step. The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, smart ass....Show him your card!"

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.

A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off, saying, "No, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" Jesus said, "Certainly, Jesus and Finkelstein it is."

Finkelstein replied, "Oh no. Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." Jesus said, "I understand, Mr. Finkelstein, but I am the son of God."

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful. They finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Merry Christmas!

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Merry Christmas !

Merry Christmas everyone. It's been a beautiful day and I still have 5 days to achieve my goal of going to the gym in 2015. I got a sweater for Christmas but I wanted a moaner or a biter.

I'm posting a bit early today in order to get to an afternoon Christmas dinner and party. Hope everyone has a great day.....!

The News As I See It: According to the Wall Street Journal, people in China aren't that familiar with the "Star Wars" movies, though they might be familiar with some of the toys. Spoiler alert....the elves don't make them!

This Date In History: 1066; William the Conqueror was crowned King of England. 1776; George Washington crossed the Delaware River and surprised the Hessians.

1868; President Andrew Johnson granted an unconditional pardon to all persons involved in the Southern rebellion that resulted in the Civil War.

1926; Hirohito became emperor of Japan. 1977; British film actor, director, and producer Charlie Chaplin died in Switzerland at age 88.

1989; Former Romanian president Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife were executed. 1991; President Mikhail Gorbachev resigned following the disintegration of the Soviet Union.

Picture Of The Day: The good thing about knowing how to copy and paste.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I got a sweater for Christmas. I would have preferred a moaner or a biter.  2) Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places. Walk slow, stop for no apparent reason and be sure to bring your toddlers so they can run amok. 3) When it comes to politics I'm an agnostic. I don't believe there's an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist. 4) I haven't worn a watch in 20 years. Coincidentally, I haven't poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20 years. 5) As my car spun uncontrollably through a crowd of people, my Korean friend screamed, "Hit the Blakes !" I screamed, "I Can't Be That Selective !".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 25th: The best thing that today's horoscope holds for you is that you are born the same day as the baby Jesus. Combine this and a bit of Listerine to rid yourself from bad breath after today's Christmas dinner and you'll be in fine shape.

Birthdays: Clara Barton, American Red Cross founder 1821, Helena Rubinstein, cosmetics executive 1870, Maurice Utrillo, painter 1883, Conrad Hilton, business 1887, Robert L. Ripley, cartoonist 1893, Humphrey Bogart, actor 1899, Cab Calloway, band leader 1907, Anwar al-Sadat, Egyptian Political Leader and President 1918, Jimmy Buffett, singer and musician 1946, Barbara Mandrell, country music singer and musician 1948, Sissy Spacek, actress 1949, Dido singer, 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: After eight days of backpacking with his wife, the pair were looking pretty scruffy. One morning, she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She said to her husband, "Darling, does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" The husband thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

A couple of women moved in the house across the street from two old spinsters, Maude and Thelma. One was a middle-aged gym teacher and the other was a social worker in her mid twenties.

Maude says to Thelma, "These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they're Lebanese?" 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.

He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Prince Charles finds an ancient wine bottle in the cellar of Windsor Castle. When he opens it, a genie flies out and grants him a wish. Charles is ecstatic as just that morning he had reversed his Range Rover over the Queen's favorite corgi and squashed it flat.

He asks the genie to bring back the dog to life as the Queen would be furious and upset. The genie examines the dog which is splattered all over the drive and tells Charles that there is nothing he can do so he'd best chuck the dog in the garbage.

Charles then asks the genie if he could make his girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles beautiful as the media were always making fun of her looks. The genie thinks for a moment scratches his head and says, "On second thought, get that dog out of the garbage again!"

That's it for today, my little revelers. Remember, you know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there. I'm heading over to AREA 51 Saturday night for a little partying.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a Merry Christmas weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Party Time !

It's that time of year to reach out to all of my family, friends and readers and to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Numerous parties are on the horizon, beginning tonight, and continuing through Christmas day.

Politics, religion and bickering should be put on hold until the new year at which time we can all resume our sniping. This will be my last bow shot until next year. I find it amusing and hopefully, it will amuse most of you, as well:

Holiday Greetings to my Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .

Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

To All My Republican Friends: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The News As I See It: We are just two days away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, "I give up. Just tell me what you want."

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. Really?

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington resigned as commander-in-chief of the U.S. Army. 1788; Maryland voted to cede a 100-square-mile area for the District of Columbia.

1823; The poem "A Visit from St. Nicholas" ("'Twas the night before Christmas"), written by either Clement C. Moore or Maj. Henry Livingston, Jr., was published in the Troy Sentinel of New York.

1913; President Woodrow Wilson signed the act creating the Federal Reserve System. 1947; The transistor was unveiled by American physicists John Bardeen, Walter H. Brattain, and William Shockley.

1948; Hideki Tojo and six other Japanese war leaders were executed. 1986; Dick Rutan and Jeana Yeager completed the first non-stop, around-the-world flight without refueling aboard the experimental airplane Voyager.

Picture Of The Day: To all of my family, friends and readers, have a Merry Christmas and be safe.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 75 years old now and I have no idea where the hell she is. 2) A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Scientists are calling it alarming. Men are calling it a win-win. 3) I don't appreciate my son's teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework. 4) "Latte" is Latin for "You paid too much for that coffee." 5) My girlfriend gave me her Christmas list. I said, "Isn't my undying love and affection enough?" We laughed and laughed. Now I'm at the purse store trying to locate a French guy named Louis Vuitton.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 23rd: All your wishes can come true if you're willing to briefly take on a life of crime. Shouting "30 milligrams, Stat!" in a crowded place is probably not going to win you any friends today.

Birthdays: My brother Kirt - Happy Birthday Bro! 19XX, Richard Arkwright, inventor 1732, Joseph Smith, religious leader 1805, James Duke, industrialist 1856, Harriet Monroe, editor, critic, and poet 1860, Sarah Breedlove Walker, businesswoman, philanthropist 1867, Yousuf Karsh, photographer 1908 Robert Bly, writer 1926, Akihito, emperor of Japan 1933, Wesley K. Clark, soldier and political figure 1944, Susan Lucci, actor 1946.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?" Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog, but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,  ever single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl. We should have known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: This is an imaginary situation, but I think it is fun to decide what one would do.

The situation: You are in Washington, DC, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.

Let's say that you're a photographer and getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. You come across Obama who has been swept away by the flood waters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.

You can either put down your camera and save him or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

Here's the question and think carefully: Which lens would you use?

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!" The man said, "No matter, observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered round the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" The Bishop sadly replied, "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

That's it for today, my little Christmas elves. Remember, money may not buy you happiness, but poverty won’t buy you shit. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a Merry Christmas and, assuming I do well on Christmas Eve, more on Christmas Day.

Stay Tuned !

Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas Eve and Santa has begun his yearly trek to deliver his gifts. He's checking his list to see who's been naughty and who's been nice, so I'm relatively sure I won't be one of his stops. But there's still hope for you, my little sleigh belles, and if per chance he doesn't stop by your house either, he didn't hear anything from me.

I feel sorry for any man who hasn't yet purchased a present for his wife or girlfriend (or both). Younger men traditionally make the error of a hasty, last minute purchase but soon catch on after a few years seeing "that look" in her eyes when she opens her gift. It is a look that is never forgotten over the duration of their relationship.

Smart, more experienced women have already learned how to get the gift they really want. They simply hand the man a list with the name of the store, the department location and a picture and pertinent details of the present along with a GPS tracking device. A copy of the note is also pinned to the man's shirt so the sales woman knows what she wants.

Men's wants are very basic. If they truly want it, they've already purchased it. Anything else along the lines of food, drink, sports equipment or electronics will usually suffice.

Fortunately for men, their spouse, girlfriends, sisters or mother always makes sure that their men receive their annual re-supply of underwear, T-shirts and sox. Although these things are not very flashy, they always come in the Saint Nick of time as men never purchase these items for themselves.

So that's the basic shopping plans for today and tomorrow. I wish a safe, Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday to all of my family, friends and readers!

The News As I See It: Everybody celebrates the holidays differently. This year many people are traveling to theme parks. They're going to events like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and, of course, the most popular event — go play while mommy and daddy drink.

KFC in Japan will continue its tradition of offering customers a Christmas dinner, which includes chicken, wine, cake, and champagne. For no extra charge, you can tell the cashier how you didn't see your life ending up like this.
 

This Date In History: 1524; Portuguese navigator Vasco da Gama died in Cochin, India. 1814; The War of 1812 between America and Britain ended with the signing of the Treaty of Ghent. 1818; "Silent Night" was composed by Franz Joseph Gruber.

1865; The Ku Klux Klan was formed in Pulaski, Tennessee. 1871; Giuseppe Verdi's opera Aida premiered in Cairo, Egypt, at the opening of the Suez Canal.

1943; Gen. Dwight Eisenhower was appointed supreme commander of Allied Forces by President Franklin Roosevelt. 1992; President Bush pardoned former defense secretary Caspar Weinberger and five others in the Iran-Contra scandal.

Picture Of The Day: The holidays are great times for all of God's creatures.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Barry and Michelle Obama say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Michele says they used to, but she got tired of Obie promising big things and not delivering. 2) A friend asked what I thought about foreign affairs. I told him, "I don't know, I never had one."  3) They say that it's healthier to sneeze into your elbow to avoid spreading the flu virus. That may be true but it's going to wipe out square dancing across America.

4) The one thing that White and Black people know, but Spanish people don't, is that a chicken is food, not a roommate. 5) During my first marriage, our parents advised us to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife still got pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Capricorn - December 24th: The post-office is going to be lucky for you today as a mystery package arrives for you that for once is neither ticking nor covered in mysterious powder. If it's a nice gift and there's no return address on it, it's from me. Merry Christmas! It took hours to find the perfect gift for you.

Birthdays: Kit Carson, American frontiersman and guide 1808, James Prescott Joule, physicist 1818, Juan Ramón Jiménez, lyric poet 1881, Howard Hughes, business executive 1905, Ava Gardner, actress 1922, Mary Higgins Clark, novelist 1931, Ricky Martin, singer 1971, Ryan Seacrest, TV personality 1974.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says. "Been on holiday yet, lads?'' John says, We're off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim nods in agreement.

The bartender says, "Ah, England! Wonderful Country... the history, the beer, the culture....'' John says, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians.''

The bartender asks, "So why keep going to England?" John replies, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless. The King exclaimed, "This is no good, Merlin! Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?" Merlin said, "Ah, sire, just observe."

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. King Arthur said, "Merlin, you are a genius! Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

King Arthur said, "Sir Galahad, you are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours." But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless……..

An old man went to the mall to buy Christmas cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet displays of hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."

The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods." The old man says, "Really?" The clerk said, "Yes sir, they’re called darts."

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now.

They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Some times they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night.....early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

That's it for today, my little snowflakes. Remember, when the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Have a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !