Want A Priceless Christmas Reaction? Buy Her A Snuggie

Ads for Snuggies are back for the holidays. Men, if you really want to impress your lady, this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds and gold. She'll flip out when you give her a Snuggie. You, however, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.

But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a Snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a Snuggie.

Sure, Snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for up to $50, but If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price. And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that Snuggie to your lover.

Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a Snuggie for Christmas.....

The News As I See It: Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that “The Walking Dead” and “Modern Family” were snubbed. It’s ok though, Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination.

Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, "Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well." Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, "Whichever comes first."

In New York City, they have what they call a Santa pub crawl. Around 30,000 Santas, early in the morning, start going from bar to bar to bar, all day long. Last year it was won by a guy from Kenya.

This Date In History: 1791; The Bill of Rights took effect with Virginia's ratification of it. 1890; Sioux Indian chief Sitting Bull was killed by Native American police. 1916; The French defeated the Germans in the Battle of Verdun. 1939; The movie Gone With the Wind premiered in Atlanta, Georgia.

1944; Band leader Glenn Miller disappeared in a plane crash over the English Channel. 1961; Adolf Eichmann was sentenced to death by an Israeli court for organizing the deportation of Jews to concentration camps. 1964; Canada adopted its national flag, a red maple leaf on a white background.

1966; Animated-cartoon pioneer and movie producer Walt Disney died in Los Angeles. 1989; A demonstration that turned into a popular uprising in Romania began the downfall of Nicolae Ceausescu.

Picture Of The Day: Now this is my idea of a Snuggie.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) According to a new report, it now costs $350,000 to raise a child for 18 years. Of course, you have to double that if the kid lives in your basement until he's twenty-six. 2) The condensed history of a divorce: A do, I do, Adieu. 3) I'm not here right now. I've gone to go look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait. 4) Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. 5) Last weekend, during a routine cleanup, park crews discovered a cannon from the Revolutionary War that was still loaded. Old, loaded and ready to go — just like me before the karaoke show.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 15th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: My friends Christina, Patricia and Sam - Happy Birthday ladies! 19XX, George Romney, portrait painter 1734, Franklin Benjamin Sanborn, journalist and philanthropist 1831, Gustave Eiffel, French engineer 1832, J. Paul Getty, business executive 1892, Muriel Rukeyser, poet 1913, Edna O'Brien, writer 1932, Don Johnson, actor 1949, Adam Brody, actor 1979.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

An Ottawa resident said, "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them. One of them even asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. I mean how many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. The coroner says to the inspector, "The first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

The Coroner says, "The second body is a twenty-five-year-old Scotsman who won a thousand pounds on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. He died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" The coroner says, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob is a thirty-year-old-man from Kentucky and was struck by lightning."

The inspector asks, "Why is he smiling then?" The coroner replied, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Golf Club Sign:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
5. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
6. IF YOU TAKE TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
7. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
8. QUIET PLEASE WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
 9. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE - NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF.

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised and asks, "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hold on to while I pull that tooth!"

That's it for today, my little egg nogs. Remember, honesty is the best policy unless you want people to like you.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

A Bit Of Christmas Gift Advice

They're baaack! Pajamagrams and Snuggies have returned to the commercial air waves. Yes men, if you really want to impress your wife or girlfriend (or both), this overpriced crapola is the way to go. Forget diamonds, gold chains and bracelets, she'll flip out when she receives her pajamagram or snuggie for Christmas. You, on the other hand, may receive minor scrapes and bruises.

But wait! There's more! Ladies, you too can warm the heart of your loved one with a pajamagram or snuggie. I know he mentioned that he wanted a watch or an iPad. What he really wants is a snuggie or pajamagram

Sure, snuggies are basically blankets with sleeves and sell for around $15-20. But If you're too lazy to get up and get a blanket, you deserve to pay the price of a snuggie.

And let's not forget the look on his or her face when the postman (with a look of disbelief) delivers that pajamagram to your lover. Yes, If you want to change the look on your loved one's face and possibly obtain their new forwarding address, get 'em a pajamagram or a snuggie.....

The News As I See It: A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody. The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute gifts.

More problems for Lindsay Lohan, Apparently she can’t pay her $8,000-a-month rent on her Beverly Hills mansion. Lindsay doesn't want to move because it's the perfect location. It's between two liquor stores, a bail bondsman, and an auto body shop.

The latest report from the U.S. Census Bureau is out. For the first time, more people are moving away from California than are moving to California. People are leaving California in droves. To the people leaving California, I give you the traditional California farewell: "Adios, amigos." I'm not that surprised people are leaving California. People want to escape the earthquakes, the mudslides, the Kardashians and the Honey Boo Boos.

Honey Boo Boo, the fat little redneck girl, is among Barbara Walters' "10 Most Fascinating People of 2012." In a related story, today Barbara was named one of the "10 most easily fascinated people of 2012." Walter's list goes way back to her first show when the first and second most fascinating people were the Wright brothers.

Al-Qaida's number two man has been killed by an American drone in Pakistan. In a related story, today al-Qaida's number three man announced he's stepping down to spend more time with his family.

Manny Pacquiao got knocked out by Juan Manuel Marquez in the 6th round of Saturday's fight in Las Vegas. Pacquiao hit the canvas face first. Big deal...who hasn't passed out face first in Las Vegas? Mitt Romney was at the fight and he met with Pacquiao right before they got in the ring. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, "You lost for the same reason I did — young Hispanics."

This Date In History: 1787; Pennsylvania became the second state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1870; Joseph Rainey took his seat as the first black in the U.S. House of Representatives.

1913; The Mona Lisa was recovered in Florence after having been stolen two years earlier (August 1911) from the Louvre. 1963; Kenya gained its independence from Britain.

1998; The House Judiciary Committee approved a fourth and final article of impeachment against President Clinton. 2000; The U.S. Supreme Court stopped the presidential election recount in Florida.

Picture Of The Day: There's nothing quite as neat as to see a magnificent horse literally "kicking up his heels."

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Dear Santa, For 2012, I'd like a fat bank account and a slim body. Please don't mix up the two like you did last year. 2) A shepherd once told me to count his 37 sheep and then round them up. So I told him there were 40. 3) I'm not a muffin top exactly. I'm more like a busted can of biscuits. 4) She said that she had been married three times. I could tell it was more than that by the rice marks on her face. 5) My girlfriend has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I went down to Goodwill and got all of her clothes back.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 12th: The government will not allow you to do what you want. Homelessness is a very poor way to begin the year, so ensure money is not an issue for you. Love hides in strange places but then again, so do spiders. Either one could be waiting for you in strange places.

Birthdays: My pals Frank and Magaly - Happy Birthday! 19XX, John Jay, statesman 1745, William Lloyd Garrison, abolitionist 1805. Gustave Flaubert, novelist 1821, Edvard Munch, painter 1863, Edward G. Robinson, actor 1893, Patrick O'Brian, novelist 1914, Frank Sinatra, American singer, actor 1915, Bob Barker, TV personality 1923, Dionne Warwick, singer 1941, Tracy Austin, tennis player 1962, Jennifer Connelly, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled at the top of his lungs to the driver, "Pull over!" The blonde yelled back, "No, Scarf!"

A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch.

After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said, "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"

.....and furthermore, this is our beach!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Linda in Washington State for her contribution to today's stories/

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." He replied, "Darling, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards San Diego, California. The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading the United States of America !"

The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?" The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

That's it for today, my little pea pickers. Remember, don't ponder over world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !