Just a reminder, especially for my male readers, the purchase of a giant teddy bear is a bad idea. The most import thing to remember is that what you give should be from the heart and within your means. Women understand and appreciate that.
Always purchase your Valentine a card. While gifts are always appreciated, the time you take to pick out that particular card that says how you fell is of the greatest importance.
I've always enjoyed taking my significant other to dinner, but restaurants are notorious for raising prices for holidays, so I always go there the night before. It avoids crowds, the prices are usually reasonable and it's still romantic.
One of the things I always buy for my Valentine is chocolates. I've never met a woman who didn't like chocolates. It just so happens that I love chocolates, as well. What a coincidence.....
So, enjoy this St. Valentine's Day opportunity to show the ones you care for, your deepest sentiments. Happy St. Valentines Day to all my friends and readers.
The News As I See It: HillaryClintonandBernieSanders faced off last night in a debate on PBS, or as PBS called it, "Antiques Roadshow." Hillary said it's a "low blow" for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. If you want to know more about that story, do not Google "Clinton low blow."
Bernie Sanders recently had breakfast in Harlem with race baiter "Podium Al" Sharpton. That's interesting. Usually, the only reason white people go out to Harlem is because they fell asleep on the train.
J.K. Rowling will publish another Harry Potter book this summer and in this one, Harry is a father.....until chapter three, when Maury Povich shows up.
It'sbeenreported that infamous drug lord El Chapo will stand trial in Brooklyn. Though I'm not sure it's a good idea to try him in a place that already has, five tunnels.
This Date In History: 1554;
Lady Jane Grey, queen of England for nine days (in 1553), was executed for high treason.
1733;
Led by philanthropist James Edward Oglethorpe, the first English colonists arrived in Georgia, at the site of Savannah.
1818;
Chile formally proclaimed its independence from Spain. 1870;
The Utah Territory granted women the right to vote (revoked in 1887).
1909;
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded.
1912;
Pu Yi, the last emperor of the Manchu (Ch'ing) dynasty in China, renounced his throne following the establishment of a republic under Sun Yat-sen.
1973;
The first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam war took place.
1999;
The Senate voted to acquit President Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.
2002
Yugoslavian ex-president Slobodan Milosevic went on trial for war crimes.
2010;
The 2010 Winter Olympics opened in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The games got off to a tragic start when a luger from the Republic of Georgia, Nodar Kumaritashvili, dies tragically in a crash during training run.
Picture Of The Day: Love is shown in many ways.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've noticed since everyone has video capabilities on their cell phones these days, no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
2) Rectitude is defined as the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists and a Pokemon is a Rastafarian proctologist. 3) I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. 4) One of the nice things about owning a cat is that a cat will not wake you up in the middle of the night to ask, "If I died, would you get another cat?" 5) This is America and a man can wear a towel on his head any time he wishes, but my suggestion to him is to wear a John Deere hat on travel days!.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 12th: Romance is in the air the entire weekend, moving south-westerly the north of France. If you don't happen to be near the north of France, don't panic! Wind directions can vary as much as the accuracy of this horoscope.
Birthdays: Charles Darwin, naturalist 1809, Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States 1809,
John L. Lewis, labor leader 1880, Anna Pavlova, ballerina 1881, Omar Bradley. general 1893, Costa-Gavras, director 1933, Bill Russell, basketball player 1934, Judy Blume, writer 1938, Christina Ricci. actress 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. The clerk says, "Congratulations!"
Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" The cowboy says, "Naw, thanks, I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it."
The divorce court judge said, "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully, and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
The husband said "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself !"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man woke up with a bad hangover after a long evening of partying. As his girlfriend was coming out of the bathroom, she asked him how he was feeling. He replied, "Well, I think I'll be okay. Did you enjoy last night?"
She replied sarcastically, "Well, if you consider having your boyfriend fall asleep during reciprocation as fun, what do you think?" The boyfriend answered dejectedly, "Well, I guess that explains why I dreamed I was kissing Abraham Lincoln."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students and said, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter." A little girl raises her hand and said, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
The little girl said, "Well, I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher said, "That must have been scary."The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
That's it for today, my little wallabies. Remember, don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Happy Saint Valentine's Day to all the sweethearts. Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Happy St. Valentines Day! The Teddy Bear and Hoodie Pajamas I bought for my girlfriend arrived and as soon as she's out of ammunition, I have dinner reservations at McDonalds. I'm kidding, of course, the reservations are for Burger King.
On a recent Conan show, the Valentine headline parroted by most every television station in America is, "Those people who have someone special and a mobile device (or teleprompter) may look to that device to help them say 'I Love You'." (Be prepared Michelle).
Other than people who use sign language, anyone who does this probably has an I.Q. of forty and can look forward to a future divorce, the wording for same, of course, coming from a mobile device.
For the rest of us, "I Love You" comes from the heart without the aid of a mobile device or a teleprompter.
The News As I See It: Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team.
In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi.
In California, an openly gay candidate is running for office as something called "a new generation Republican" or as they're known in the rest of the country, a Democrat.
The family of openly gay NFL prospect Michael Sam say they found out he was gay from watching ESPN. Meanwhile, Michael Sam found out he was gay from watching Bravo.
A Los Angeles newscaster had to apologize to Samuel L. Jackson for mistaking him for Laurence Fishburne. Yeah, he said "I'm sorry, but everybody makes mistakes, even our great president, Morgan Freeman."
To stop the spread of disease, the city of Vancouver has allowed crack pipes to be sold in vending machines. The plan is being called dangerous by the mayor of New York City and genius by the mayor of Toronto.
This Date In History: 1859;
Oregon became the 33rd state in the United States.
1912;
Arizona became the 48th state in the United States.
1920;
The League of Women Voters was founded.
1929;
Members of Al Capone's gang killed rival gang members in the St. Valentine's Day massacre.
1989;
Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini issued a fatwa, calling for the death of Salman Rushdie, author of The Satanic Verses.
2001;
The Kansas Board of Education reversed its 1999 ruling and restored evolution to the state's science curriculum.
2003;
Dolly the sheep, the first cloned mammal, was euthanized because of incurable lung cancer.
Picture Of The Day: Sometimes true love comes in small packages.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) People who go to the store and buy a single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
2) I'm going tell my kids to lay off the liquor because I love them and I don't want them to mess up their kidneys before I need one.
3) One thing I learned while I was out drinking last night was here is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
4) Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while there are people still inside. 5) Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.....and that's five !
Bonus Sixth: Pakistan's Taliban Minister of Migration,
Mohamed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action
is taken against Syria, Taliban authorities will cut off America's and
Canada's only supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be
next, followed by Visa, cable and telephone customer service representatives.
It's getting ugly.....
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 14th: Love has not affected you in the way you need it to. You do have romance in your heart but it needs to be released. Relax all your muscles, excluding any sphincters and then tense them all again. Love may be just around the corner.
Birthdays: George Jean Nathan,
editor and drama critic 1882,
Katherine Stinson,
pioneering pilot 1891,
Jack Benny,
comedian 1894,
Florence Henderson,
actress 1934,
Donna Shalala,
educator, public official 1941,
Michael Bloomberg, former mayor of New York City
and businessman 1942,
Gregory Hines,
dancer, actor 1946,
Jim Kelly,
Pro football quarterback 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Some Louisiana boys living across the river from each other, feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years until one day the Army Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated. He told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.
His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "Clearance - 8 ft 3 in."
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The bald man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, "Guess who?'" The guy says,
"But why?'' The man replies,
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
The guy said,
"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train.
Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss.
No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life.
Yes, I'm sure......cross my heart"
Ten minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had enough and leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."
(Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer).
A man went to the hospital after an accident. After coming out of the operation, the doctor told him his penis had to be amputated to save his life. The man was aghast and despondent, telling the doctor thee was no reason to continue living.
The doctor told the man the was a new procedure involving implanting a baby elephant's trunk to the man's pelvic area and worked for almost all his patients.
After a successful transplant operation, the man's new penis worked perfectly.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the
table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back again, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
believe I saw what I think I just saw. Can you do that again?"
With an uncomfortable look, the man replied, "I'll try, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass!"
That's it for today, my little love bugs. Remember, sometimes auto-correct can be your worst enema. I'm heading over to AREA 51 and see if there are any more Valentine angels still available.
Have a great weekend and mMore on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Don't buy an overweight teddy bear or pajamas with a hoodie for Valentine's Day unless you want to sleep alone with a teddy bear or your spouse is prone to wake up at night and rob a convenience store.
By the same token, it's not necessary to spend more than you can afford either. While flowers, chocolate or even jewelry are nice, there's other bills to pay. Remember, flowers eventually wilt and die and chocolates get eaten.
Do yourself a favor and buy something you can afford, and more importantly, from the heart. If there is one day that the old phrase "it's the thought that counts", this it it. Happy Valentines Day!
The News As I See It: A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants. This is a major breakthrough. Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
There are 12 new events in this year's Winter Olympics. The new events include women's ski jumping, luge-team relay and finding a working toilet.
The "Lego Movie" is Number 1 at the box office. I saw it. I'm a little disappointed. I liked the first half, but it sort of came apart at the end.
I found it rather easy to steer myself away from the Winter Olympics. I mean, how many different ways can white people injure themselves on ice?
A top NFL prospect has announced that he is gay. Then someone explained to him that having a crush on Tom Brady doesn't make you gay.
This Date In History: 1554;
Lady Jane Grey, queen of England for nine days (in 1553), was executed for high treason, 1733;
Led by philanthropist James Edward Oglethorpe, the first English colonists arrived in Georgia, at the site of Savannah.
1818;
Chile formally proclaimed its independence from Spain.
1870;
The Utah Territory granted women the right to vote (revoked in 1887).
1909;
The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) was founded.
1912;
Pu Yi, the last emperor of the Manchu (Ch'ing) dynasty in China, renounced his throne following the establishment of a republic under Sun Yat-sen.
1973;
The first release of American prisoners of war from the Vietnam war took place.
1999;
The Senate voted to acquit President Clinton on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.
2002;
Yugoslavian ex-president Slobodan Milosevic went on trial for war crimes.
2010;
The 2010 Winter Olympics opened in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The games got off to a tragic start when a luger from the Republic of Georgia, Nodar Kumaritashvili, dies tragically in a crash during training run.
Picture Of The Day: Mmmm Good !
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it's probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
2) A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute. 3) I wonder how strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy? There's some things I've licked that I really don't want. 4) Sometimes people say to me, "You look so familiar." Depending on my mood, sometimes I respond with, "Were we in prison together?"
5) Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 12th: The future is what you make of it and if it's anything like what you made of your life so far, I'd consider buying materials for the nuclear winter. Your spine is going to feel a tingling sensation later and with any luck, the sensation will spread.
Birthdays: Cotton Mather,
clergyman and writer 1663, Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States 1809,
Charles Darwin,
naturalist 1809,
John L. Lewis,
labor leader 1880,
Anna Pavlova,
ballerina 1881,
Omar Bradley,
general 1893,
Costa-Gavras,
director 1933,
Bill Russell,
basketball player 1934,
Judy Blume,
writer 1938,
Christina Ricci,
actor 1980.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a recent password audit by a company, it was determined that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyDeweyLouieDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said, "Hello! It has to have at least eight characters and include at least one capital."
A woman was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor’s office to tell her that she had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. She had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so she didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, she liked to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink and gave herself a quick wash in that area to make sure she was at least presentable.
She threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment. She was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, she hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
She was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” She didn’t respond. After the appointment, she heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal....some shopping, cleaning and cooking.
After school, her 6 year old daughter was playing and she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where’s my washcloth?" Her mother told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink and it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
Needless to say, she's never going back to that gynecologist again......ever!
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Old Ben was working at the lumber yard one day, pushing a tree through the saw, when he accidentally cut off all of his fingers. He quickly ran down the street to the emergency room. The doctor quickly examined his hands and asked for the fingers.
Ben gasped through the pain, "I don't have the fingers." The doctor said,
"What do you mean you don't have the fingers? We aren't living in the Dark Ages here! I can reattach those fingers and you'd be as good as new! Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Ben yelled sarcastically, "I couldn't pick the damned things up!"
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, 'Well,that was good as well. Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
That's it for today, my little Brussel sprouts. Remember, being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
