Turkey Day Survivors

I love Thanksgiving turkey but I don't like cooking it. But In my case, the smoke alarm was due for a test any way. As it was, my turkey dinner was nostalgic in that it was the first breast I've touched in three months. But, I digress.....

This year reminded me of the more grandiose Thanksgivings of yore. In-laws and outlaws, grandmas and grandpas, cousin, kids and then that one person that no one seems to know who probably just looked at all the parked cars and came in.

Hugs and kisses, poses and pictures, bringing the family gossip to date, Meanwhile, Old Aunt Cora, who, after three Bloody Marys, looks at the turkey and goes, 'Here, kitty, kitty.'"

Finally, the meal is served. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage and everyone begins eating. Eventually, the conversation becomes reduced to politics and football, with the latter becoming dominant as the games begin on television.

Cheering and drinking, cheering and drinking...drinking... and the games are over. Kids and older adults are sleeping where they can and the end of the evening is drawing nigh.

There are those making plans for Black Friday shopping and there are those who will sleep all day Friday. I am one of the latter. Until next year, Happy Thanksgiving!

The News As I See It: Victoria’s Secret was open at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and will stay open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there's one thing people want to do, it's stuff their faces all day, then try on some lingerie

Many Americans deep-fried their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy.

Thes tock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well.

The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is.

This Date In History: 1758; The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars. 1783; The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War. 1841; The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams. 1947; Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten."

1986; Iran-Contra scandal broke. 1998; Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II. 1999; Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida. 2002; President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.

Picture Of The Day: Not every turkey met its fate on Thanksgiving Day.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) They found water on Mars. I wonder how long before they bottle it and sell it at Whole Foods for $19? 2) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I'd be willing to bet on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with Kay. 3) I wish that Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 4) Kim Kardashian is more popular than Congress. And, like Congress, Kim's maximum capacity is 500 members. 5) I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast and then I killed them and took their land.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good way to start the weekend. Don't worry about the rain. It will clear up by tomorrow night. Hopefully, your skin will clear up as well. Romance and possibly money should be heading your way.

Birthdays: Félix Lope de Vega Carpio, dramatic poet 1562, Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropost 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881, Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban. actor 1920, John Larroquette. actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr. publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960, Christina Applegate, actress 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man scolded me the other day for not paying attention to his question. I apologized and asked him if he had graduated from college. He scowled and said, "I majored in liberal arts." Then he said, "Will that be for here or to go?"

A man was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma’am. They’re all dead."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old man went into the job center in downtown Denver and saw a sign advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and said, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."

The clerk continued, "You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions. Then you apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, rubbing in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."

The old man said, "Good grief....is that where the job is?" The clerk said, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now."

Murray Lipschitz passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Murray would be pleased." Her friend, Rachel, said, "I'm sure you're right."

Rachel lowered her voice, leaned in close and asked "How much did this really cost?" Rose said, "All of it....thirty thousand." Rachel exclaimed, "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Rose answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Rachel computed quickly and said, "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" Rose said, "Two and a half carats."

That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, sarchasm is the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More next week.

Stay Tuned !

Take Your Hand Off My Giblets And Pass The Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. For you younger travelers, the TSA will molest you before they get to your uncle's house.

Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone ever handled your bag?" The passenger said, "Probably, but you should ask her. She's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff.

The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Roasted Stuffed Turkey:

1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat) Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
 

The News As I See It: New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.

Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called revolutionary by doctors and the perfect Christmas gift for Bruce Jenner.

A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded the state pay for his surgery. At least that's what I think he said.

This Date In History: 1783; With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 miles in 20 minutes. 1789; North Carolina became the 12th state.

1922; Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator. 1934; Cole Porter's musical "Anything Goes" opened in New York City. 1969; For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.

1973; The 18 1/2 minute gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed. 1991; Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.

Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving Day Dinner as envisioned by Tom and Mary Turkeyson.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 2) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion. 3) When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat. 4) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton. 5) I'll be friends with you guys until we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: Changing your lifestyle and underwear may be a good way start the weekend. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will not allow you to talk your way out of a face to face encounter with your neighbor's Doberman Pincer. You know he didn't really like you that much anyway. 

Birthdays: My pals Carol (CJ), Michele, my lifelong buddy WT, and my sweet and beautiful Tamara. Happy Birthday everyone! 19XX, Voltaire, French philosopher and author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green, financier 1834, Rene Magritte, painter 1898, Coleman Hawkins, jazz musician 1904, Stan Musial, baseball player 1920, Goldie Hawn, actress 1945, Beryl Bainbridge, writer 1953, Tina Brown, magazine publisher 1953, Björk, singer, songwriter 1965, Troy Aikman, football player, TV commentator 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Nathan, a young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"

His daddy replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why. The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.

Later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

She runs upstairs and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost and says, "You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."

Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.

Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey. Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?"

Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"

That's it for today, my little pilgrims. Remember, never judge a man until you've driven a mile with his wife. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Thanksgiving !

They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a jack-o-lantern (that's a carved pumpkin for the hard of understanding) in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff. The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.

This year marks the first Thanksgiving in which travelers will get molested before they get to their uncle's house. Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone handled your bag?" The passenger said, "No, but she's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down."

The News As I See It: The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I’d be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer.

Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them.

Former President Georgie "Dubya" Bush has published his memoirs, called "Decision Points." Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, "Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12."

In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. Oh, wait! I’m sorry, that’s President O'Bummer.

This Date In History: 1642; Abel Tasman discovered Van Diemen's land, later renamed Tasmania. 1859; Darwin's Origin of Species was published. 1871; The National Rifle Association was incorporated. 1963; Jack Ruby shot Lee Harvey Oswald, JFK's accused assassin, in the garage of Dallas police headquarters. 1971; D. B. Cooper parachuted from a Northwest Airlines flight with $200,000.

Picture Of The Day: Well, if you didn't guess that today's pictures were going to be of Thanksgiving, then I suggest you don't play the lottery this weekend.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's a good thing I'm not flying on Thanksgiving day. That's not a good day to be in my pants. 2) How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there? 3) You can have a great time with a bushel of apples and the doctor's wife. 4) One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 5) Cellpilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their cell phone goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence......and that's five !

Birthdays: Baruch Spinoza, philosopher 1632, Junípero Serra, missionary 1713, Aleksandr Suvorov, field marshal 1729, Zachary Taylor, 12th President of the United States 1784, Frances Hodgson Burnett, author 1849, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, painter and lithographer 1864, American ragtime pianist and composer 1868, Simon van der Meer, physical engineer 1925, William F. Buckley, Jr., journalist and writer 1925.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar and Grill: Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games." The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

An old woman was preparing to bake pies and other foods the day before Thanksgiving. Next to her was her beloved parrot, Brutus. The parrot was fully grown and adored the woman but he had a bad habit of cursing. Since the old woman lived alone, she put with up with the affectionate bird's foul language.

As she baked her pies and foods, she told Brutus that he was to mind his manners because she had invited guests for tomorrow's Thanksgiving Day dinner. To her surprise, Brutus was quiet all day and his only words were affectionately directed to the old woman.

Early the next morning, the old woman began making her preparations and decorations for the Thanksgiving dinner. She had turned on the stove to preheat it when Brutus began to curse. She quickly admonished Brutus but to no avail. The more she yelled at Brutus, the more he cursed.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, the old woman put Brutus in the freezer next to the turkey, just for a few moments, to cool him off. She heard the bird squawk and kick and scream, then suddenly, there was quiet. The woman was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

Brutus calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness. I have just one question. May I ask what did the turkey did?"

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

It was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them. With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said, "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

That's it for today my little drumsticks. Remember, no matter where you go...there you are! Happy Thanksgiving to all my pals and readers and more on Friday.

Stay Tuned !