Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow and I thank the armed forces members who defend this nation and the police and firefighters who are there for us in the time of emergencies. Take the time to thank a soldier, firefighter or policeman who work on Thanksgiving.
I wish all my readers and friends a very Happy Thanksgiving in this time of sharing.
The News As I See It: This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural....... Meaningless!
Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care.
The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey.
In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981.
Every year, the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not been able to save one turkey's life.
This Date In History: 1758;
The British captured Fort Duquesne (Pittsburgh) in the French and Indian Wars.
1783;
The British evacuated New York City, their last military position, after the Revolutionary War.
1841;
The slaves who seized the Amistad in 1839 were freed by the Supreme Court. They had been defended by former president John Quincy Adams.
1947;
Movie executives blacklisted the "Hollywood Ten."
1986;
Iran-Contra scandal broke.
1998;
Jiang Zemin became the first Chinese head of state to visit Japan since World War II.
1999;
Elian Gonzalez was rescued off the coast of Florida.
2002;
President George W. Bush signed into law the Department of Homeland Security and named Tom Ridge as head.
Picture Of The Day: Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I read an article listing five ways to prevent divorce. "Don't get married" wasn't on there. Neither was "murder." Stupid article..... 2) Back in the day, I went to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher. Her name was Miss Cox. I wasn't mature enough to handle the situation. 3) Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can't remember the lyrics. 4) Did you "ask" her or "axe" her? Seriously, because one is murder. 5) I'm single with no kids. I don't answer to anyone. "Meow......meow!" ..... Okay! Okay! I'm opening the tuna now! Please don't shred the toilet paper again!.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 25th: Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. "Head Lice!" is not something to be screamed in terror at the local bus stop. Time and time again you are asked to wait outside the room while the "adults" discuss your situation. Gift horses always happen to those who least expect it.
Birthdays: Andrew Carnegie, industrialist and philanthropist 1835, Carry Moore Nation, temperance advocate 1846, Pope John XXIII, religious leader 1881,
Virgil Thomson, composer 1896, Ba Jin, modern novelist 1904, Joseph DiMaggio, professional baseball player 1914, Ricardo Montalban, actor 1920, John Larroquette, actor 1947, John F. Kennedy, Jr.
publisher, lawyer 1960, Amy Grant, pop musician 1960.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off, he asked her name. She replied. "Carmen." The guy said, "That’s a beautiful name. Who named you?" She answered, "I named myself."
The guy said, "That’s interesting. Why Carmen?" Carmen said, "Because I like cars and I like men." Looking directly into his eyes she asked, "So what’s your name?" He replied, "Beertits."
A man walked into a bar and after a couple of drinks, said to the bartender, "I’ve got a great Polish joke."
The bartender glared and warned him, "Before you go telling that joke, I I think you ought to know that I’m Polish, the two bouncers on the door are Polish and most of my customers are Polish."
The man replies, "Okay, I’ll tell it slowly."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the surface over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....., the store manager sees her and unplugs the electric horse.
Tom bought a new Ford truck. He returned it to the dealer the next day because he couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
The technician said to the radio, "Nelson." The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" The technician said, "Willie!" and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
Tom drove away happy and for the next few days, every time he'd say, "Beethoven", he'd get beautiful classical music and if he said, "Beatles", he'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed Tom's new truck, but Tom swerved in time to avoid him. He yelled, "Asshole!" Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
That's it for today, my little turkey gobblers. Remember, spiders are nature's reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a Happy Thanksgiving and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I hope it's better than last year. Things were going great, everybody was joking and getting along. Then, I realized that I had picked up the wrong family at the airport.
I love Thanksgiving. It's that's special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to take one last look at their old cellphones before they buy the new ones on Black Friday.
Thanksgiving dinners take all day to prepare and are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. Coincidence?
They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving Day to start with the Christmas stuff.
The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
Roasted Stuffed Turkey:
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently.
Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
The News As I See It: Thanksgiving Day is tomorrow. In fact, today, five turkeys from America showed up at the Mexican Embassy seeking asylum.
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
The traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 and soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.
After signing a contract for $325 million last week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!
Police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw Christmas decorations.
This Date In History: 1789;
The first national Thanksgiving Day in the U.S. was proclaimed by President George Washington.
1922;
Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon became the first to enter the tomb of King Tutankhamen (Tut) since it was sealed in 1323 B.C.
1940;
The Nazis began to force Warsaw's Jews to live in a walled ghetto.
1950;
China entered the Korean War.
1975;
Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, a follower of Charles Manson, was found guilty of trying to assassinate President Ford.
1998;
Tony Blair became the first British prime minister to speak to the Irish parliament.
2000;
Katherine Harris certified George W. Bush the winner in Florida's presidential balloting.
Picture Of The Day: Ok, I'm hungry now. Let's eat!
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I'm celebrating this Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land.
2) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton.
3) Vegans with children named "Hunter" are one of the reasons I lie awake at night. 4) A portmanteau is when you combine two words to make one word. A great example of this is Groupon, a mixture of grey and poupon. 5) My Uncle in Chicago was a staunch conservative and voted straight line Republican until the day he died. Now, he votes Democrat.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 26th: Eat light this Thanksgiving because you know how you stuff yourself. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.
Birthdays: My friend Sunny - Happy Birthday girl! 19XX, Eugene Ionesco, French playwright 1909,
Charles Schulz
cartoonist 1922.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young first grade boy, after learning the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"
His father looked amusingly at his wife and replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."
The Miami Dolphins football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Martha had a parrot called Brutus, whose only problem was that he cursed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.
Just before her Mother-in-law was due, Brutus began to curse, so Martha put him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.
Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?"
Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"
A couple was shopping at the mall on Black Friday and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him were he was.
In a calm voice, her husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store. He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
My great-uncle once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. He changed my mind at the last minute, so he just flipped over and landed on his feet.
Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."
That's it for today, my little gobblers. Remember, tonight is the time to call your family and friends to apologize in advance for all the things you’re going to say tomorrow when you're drinking.
AREA 51 is a bit "iffy" this evening, but one never knows, do one?
Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving Day to start with the Christmas stuff. The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
MSNBC anchor Martin Bashir made extremely crude and gross comment last week about Sarah Palin. He apologized for his remarks last week calling them "wholly unacceptable." Bashir, whose parents are Pakistani, needs to learn some manners. MSNBC has always been a loser and their parent company NBC isn't any better.
Well Marty, that may be the way it's done in Pakistan, but white people don't put up with remarks like that, especially from camel jockeys who have been walking in dirt for 2,000 years.
The News As I See It: Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk.
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. Coincidence?
April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one).
What does Miley Cyrus eat for Thanksgiving? Twerky (Don't bother, I'll show myself out).
In 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. In fact, today, five turkeys from the United States showed up at the Moscow airport seeking asylum.
The traditional Thanksgiving began in 1621 and soon afterward, the Indians realized they had a failed immigration policy.
When Obama was in Los Angeles, he visited the DreamWorks Studios. Don't confuse DreamWorks with Obamacare — that was a dream that didn't work.
This Date In History: 1520;
Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan passed through the strait which bears his name to the Pacific ocean.
1919;
American-born Lady Astor became the first woman to take a seat on the British Parliament.
1942;
Almost 500 people died in the Coconut Grove nightclub fire in Boston.
1943;
Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin met in Tehran for their first meeting during World War II.
1964;
The U.S. spacecraft Mariner 4 launched on its way to the first successful mission to Mars.
1990
Margaret Thatcher resigned as prime minister of Great Britain; John Major took over.
Picture Of The Day: A vision of beauty.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
2) Then I said "No officer, I’m not slurring my speech. I’m speaking in cursive."
3) I was winning a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Apparently, Fiji was the correct answer.
4) My new answering machine recording: Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 40 minute flute solo. 5) The hardest part of potty training my puppy is taking a dump outside with him so he can learn. The neighbors taking pictures don't help either.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - November 27th: Kissing horses in an otherwise empty paddock is always fair game. Enjoy yourself today and especially tomorrow. Try not to go overboard with the Wild Turkey.
Birthdays: My Friend Olivia - Happy Birthday! 19XX, John Bunyan
author 1628,
Friedrich Engels
socialist 1820,
Anton Rubinstein
pianist, composer 1829,
John Wesley Hyatt
inventor 1837,
Henry Bacon
architect 1866,
Berry Gordy, Jr.
record company founder and executive 1929,
Randy Newman
singer, composer 1943,
Ed Harris
actor 1950, Jon Stewart
TV personality 1962
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
Th Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing
.He said,
"It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week.. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
The turkey replied, "Forget the bonus. All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for
a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?"
That's it for today, my little turkey basters. Remember, it's hard to be sure you've succeeded if you can't remember what you were trying to do. I'm going to mosey on over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving Day and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Now’s the time to call all your family and apologize to them in advance for all the things you’re going to say to them when you get drunk. For you younger travelers, the TSA will molest you before they get to your uncle's house.
Some of the questions the TSA asks border on the stupid. One worker asked a passenger, "Has anyone ever handled your bag?" The passenger said, "Probably, but you should ask her. She's right behind me." At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.
They’re already playing Christmas music in the malls and on the radio. I still have a carved pumpkin in my window. They’re supposed to wait until after Thanksgiving to start with the Christmas stuff.
The human brain can only hear "Jingle Bell Rock" so many times before it orders the body to kill itself. I think this is a violation of the Geneva Convention.
Jimmy's Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe: Here is a turkey recipe that also includes a small amount of popcorn in the stuffing. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when the turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
Roasted Stuffed Turkey:
1 6-8 lb baking turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher low fat)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper and roast for four hours, basting frequently. Remove turkey, fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn and place back in oven with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.
The News As I See It: New research revealed that the closer you live to a bar, the more likely you are to become a heavy drinker. And the closer you live to Dunkin' Donuts, the more likely you are to become the governor of New Jersey.
Scientists have created synthetic plastic skin that can heal itself. The synthetic skin is being called revolutionary by doctors and the perfect Christmas gift for Bruce Jenner.
A prison inmate in Oregon who shot his own jaw off has demanded the state pay for his surgery. At least that's what I think he said.
This Date In History: 1783;
With the Marquis d'Arlandes, Pilâtre de Rozier made the first free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 ft and traveling about 5 1/2 miles in 20 minutes.
1789;
North Carolina became the 12th state.
1922;
Georgia's Rebecca Felton was sworn into the U.S. Senate, becoming the first woman U.S. Senator.
1934;
Cole Porter's musical "Anything Goes" opened in New York City.
1969;
For the first time since 1930, the U.S. Senate rejected a Supreme Court nominee, Clement Haynsworth.
1973;
The 18 1/2 minute gap in the Richard Nixon Watergate tapes was revealed.
1991;
Egypt's Boutros Boutros-Ghali was chosen to become secretary-general by the UN Security Council.
Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving Day Dinner as envisioned by Tom and Mary Turkeyson.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 2) It appears that someone has invited a lot of old people to my high school reunion.
3) When I was a kid, my mother cleaned my face with her spit. It was like being raised by a cat.
4) A vegan friend of mine went missing so I put her picture on a soy milk carton. 5) I'll be friends with you guys until we're old and senile. Then we'll be new friends.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 21st: Changing your lifestyle and underwear may be a good way start the weekend. The gift you have that allows you to speak to the animals will not allow you to talk your way out of a face to face encounter with your neighbor's Doberman Pincer. You know he didn't really like you that much anyway.
Birthdays: My pals Carol (CJ), Michele, my lifelong buddy WT, and my sweet and beautiful Tamara. Happy Birthday everyone! 19XX, Voltaire, French philosopher and author whose name was François Marie Arouet de Voltaire 1694, Hetty Green,
financier 1834,
Rene Magritte,
painter 1898,
Coleman Hawkins,
jazz musician 1904,
Stan Musial,
baseball player 1920,
Goldie Hawn,
actress 1945,
Beryl Bainbridge,
writer 1953,
Tina Brown,
magazine publisher 1953,
Björk,
singer, songwriter 1965,
Troy Aikman,
football player, TV commentator 1966.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Nathan, a young boy, after hearing the story of Thanksgiving and how the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down together, climbed up into his father's lap and said, "Daddy, did you know that if we were Indians, you would be a brave and Mom would be a squawk?"
His daddy replied (as he ducked), "That is the best description of your mother I have ever heard."
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them.
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers asked why.
The worker yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you’re gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.
She runs upstairs and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost and says, "You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.
Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.
Martha said, "And have you learned your lesson about cussing?"
Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said, "I sure have and you can rest assured it will never happen again. I do have one question, "What did the turkey do?"
That's it for today, my little pilgrims. Remember, never judge a man until you've driven a mile with his wife. I'm off to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. Have a great Thanksgiving and more on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
I tried to cook a turkey once...once! A few years back, I was watching a cooking show and I thought, maybe I'll cook one for Thanksgiving. So, I bought a small turkey a few days before the holiday. The first problem I encountered was all the junk inside the turkey which I promptly fed to the cat.I called a lady friend who was cooking for her mom and dad and she gave me a idea of what to do. I got a recipe from the Internet and about twelve hours before the holiday, I started cooking. The first word I learned was turkey baster. Secondly, I learned was that I didn't have one.Stuffing? I didn't need no stinking stuffing. Besides that, I didn't buy any and I didn't know how to make it anyway. I turned to my spiritual adviser, Johnnie Walker Black and after a few drinks, I realized I was in deep doo-doo.About twelve hours later, the final result was a dry, over-cooked turkey (which made great sandwiches) and a great appreciation for the people who take the time and effort to cook on Thanksgiving. I also learned that I like Kentucky Fried Turkey......er, chicken.
The News As I See It: Facebook is building its own smart phone. Not to be outdone, there's talk that MySpace is refurbishing an old beeper. Speaking of Facebook, a recent survey showed that the average Facebook user has never met 10 percent of their friends. The article came up in my newsfeed from my friend, the Dalai Lama.Officials in New York City have arrested an al-Qaida sympathizer for allegedly planning a terrorist attack. You know, I hope al-Qaida gets the message. If we want to be terrorized over Thanksgiving, we have our relatives come visit us.Police say the al-Qaida suspect is an American citizen who was originally from the Dominican Republic. Apparently, officials became suspicious when they found someone from the Dominican Republic living in New York and not playing for the Yankees.Herman Cain is the first Republican presidential candidate to get secret service protection. The level of protection a candidate gets depends on how well-known they are. For example, Jon Huntsman gets a 10-minute judo lesson and a plastic whistle.The super committee chosen by Obozo to come up with a plan to solve the deficit has failed. Don't worry though, Obozo has announced a new plan. Next week, he's appointing a super duper committee.Microsoft is apparently designing rooms for a hotel in France. You can tell the rooms are from Microsoft. Every time you open the window, they just freeze and need to be reinstalled.The latest fashion trend in Hong Kong is eyeglasses without any lenses in them. People just wear the frames. The feeling is that they make you intelligent, even though they're totally useless. Kind of like the congressional super committee.This Date In History: 1889; The first jukebox was installed at the Palais Royal Saloon in San Francisco. 1936; First issue of Life magazine hit the newsstands. The cover photograph, by Margaret Bourke-White, featured the Fort Peck Dam. 1945; U.S. wartime food rationing, of meat, butter, and other foods, ended. 1971; People's Republic of China was seated at the UN Security Council. 2003; Eduard Shevardnadze resigned as president of Georgia.Picture Of The Day: Thanksgiving pics (what else?)
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not a coincidence. 2) I'm celebrating Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I'm inviting everyone in my neighborhood to my house, have an enormous feast, then send them to a reservation and take their land. 3) April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims ( I apologize for that one). 4) I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to. 5) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.....and that's five !Today's Horoscope: Scorpio - November 23rd: Eat light because you know how you stuff yourself on Thanksgiving. This year, the fair thing to do is a flip a coin for the drumsticks. That elbow you gave to Granny last year is still in the back of her mind which means she's out to get you. Hey, at her age, she's got nothing to lose. Forget romance, you'll fall asleep before any chance arises.Birthdays: John Wallis, mathematician 1616, Franklin Pierce, 14th President of the United States 1804, William H. Bonney, outlaw A.K.A. Billie The Kid 1859, Manuel de Falla, composer 1876, Boris Karloff, actor 1887, Miley Cyrus,actress 1992.The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An older woman is shopping in a supermarket when she notices this handsome muscular boy doing the bagging at one of the checkouts. Making sure she goes through his line, she leans over and asks if he'll carry her groceries out to which he responds, "Sure lady."
No sooner than they get out of the store, she leans over and says to the boy, "You know I've got an itchy pussy." The boy responds, "You'll have to point it out, lady, all those Japanese cars look alike to me."An airline pilot hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." In light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" The pilot said, "Why no Ma'am, what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Ole was working at the fish plant up north in Duluth when he accidentally cut off all ten off his fingers. He went to the emergency room at the clinic and when he got there the doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers."The doctor cried, "Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers? Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off incredible techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?" Ole replied, "How da fock was I suppose to pick'em up?"A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100, she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car.The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. He pleads, "Go get help." She says, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with my shoe and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" A drunk sitting nearby looked down at the shoe covering her crotch and replied, "I think it's too late, lady, he's too far in."That's it for today my little turkey gobblers. Remember, a diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. It's Wednesday and a great evening to hit AREA 51 for happy hour tonight. Happy Thanksgiving to all my friends and readers. More on Friday.Stay Tuned !
