Hurricane Mathew To Return?

Miami escaped the wrath of Mathew, thankfully, but according to the National Hurricane Center, he may be returning. Nooo ! - Let's get back to the regularly scheduled local car crashes, robberies and murders. I'm tired of watching field reporters inventing scenes.

Hurricane Mathew continues to ravage the South Atlantic coastline and, hopefully, everyone will be as safe as possible. I shudder to imagine if the line of the hurricane had drifted a bit west, in which case, the consequences would have been much more severe.

Moreover, reports show that Mathew will be hooking back after it's rampage, possibly giving it a chance to do an encore.
Conditions may be just right in the ocean and atmosphere at that time to curve Matthew back around toward the southwest and return to Florida for Round Two.

As of midday Thursday, the hurricane was forecast by the U.S. National Hurricane Center to drop to tropical storm status (sustained winds of between 39 and 74 mph) by Monday morning. By Tuesday morning, the NHC places what would be Tropical Storm Matthew just to the northeast of Grand Bahama, not too far from where it was late on Thursday.

The last thing Florida needs as it picks up from Round One is another tropical storm, regardless of how weak the second pass is. While the potential Round Two is forecast to be much less severe, it would hamper recovery efforts.

The News As I See It: Joe Biden, in an interview, described his relationship with Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when he forgets to pick up Obama from soccer practice.

We're just weeks away from Halloween. Yep, it's people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as I call it, running for president.

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German tourist.

This Date In History: 1869; The 14th president of the United States, Franklin Pierce, died in Concord, N.H. 1871 The Great Fire of Chicago started. That same day in Peshtigo, Wis., the worst forest fire in U.S. history also began.

1934; Bruno Hauptmannn was indicted for the murder of Charles Lindbergh's baby. 1945; President Harry Truman announced the U.S. would share the secret of the atomic bomb only with Great Britain and Canada.

1956; Don Larsen of the New York Yankees pitched the first and only perfect game in a World Series. 2004; Martha Stewart began her prison sentence at Alderson Federal Prison Camp. 2005; A 7.6 magnitude earthquake centered in the Pakistani-controlled part of the Kashmir region killed more than 80,000 and injured 65,000.

Picture Of The Day: For those of you who have never seen the eye of a hurricane.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Tequila will never be my downfall as the worm does not justify the hangover. 2) You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. 3) It takes 10 Americans to screw in a light bulb. 1 to do it and 9 to debate if it was politically correct. 4) Rapture is what you get when you lift something that is too heavy.  5) I've finally reached the age where I can't function without my glasses.....especially if they're empty.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 5th: Remember to chew before you swallow, you know how excited you get sometimes. You may hear good news today from an older person who may or may not be intoxicated. Thinking and doing are two separate things. However, thinking about what you're doing is always a good idea. Try to remember this today when you're trying to tie your shoelaces while staring at the woman across the bar from you.

Birthdays: Emily Blackwell, physician 1826, Edward Rickenbacker, war hero and airline executive 1890, Juan Perón, president of Argentina 1895, Frank Herbert, writer 1920, Chevy Chase comedian 1943, R.L. Stine, writer 1943, Dennis Kucinich, political figure 1946, Sigourney Weaver, actress 1949, Matt Damon, actor 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

The farmer mentioned the situation to the game warden. The warden then started watching this man and all that the farmer said was true! The man would arrive at the lake in the morning and by early afternoon, he had a stringer full of fish.

The warden dressed like a fisherman one day and approached the man. They exchanged pleasantries and the stranger asked the warden in disguise to come fish with him. They boated for 45 minutes and arrived at a secluded spot.

The stranger then pulled out a stick of dynamite. The warden said, "I'm going to have to place you under arrest. I am a game warden and you are fishing illegally!"

The stranger calmly lit the stick of dynamite and handed it to the warden. The stranger then said, "Are you gonna talk or fish?"

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my long time friend, Mike, for his contribution to today's stories.

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level. He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!" The man replied, "No, I'm just a crappy golfer."

A rancher needed a bull to service his cows but needed to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money came by a week later to see how his investment is doing.

The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull.

The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased and says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence and has serviced all of my neighbor's cows."

The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet do to that bull?" The farmer said, "I don't really know. He just gave him some pills." The banker asked, "What kind of pills?" The farmer said, "I don't know, but they sort of tasted like peppermint."

That's it for today, my little persimmons. Remember, all those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just life's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a safe weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Let The Rock Throwing Begin

In the final hours before tonight's first 2016 presidential debate, hype reigns supreme with talk of Hillary inviting Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and Trump threatening to counter with Bill Clinton admitted paramour, Gennifer Flowers.

Arguments about whether Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump or Democratic rival Hillary Clinton would do better on substance or style. Of course, this was overshadowed when Hillary announced she would invite Trump arch enemy Mark Cuban and give him a front row seat, ostensibly to anger Trump.

Hillary's lame efforts were overshadowed when Trump countered,  suggesting that he’d invite Gennifer Flowers, with whom Clinton’s husband, former President Bill Clinton, has acknowledged having a sexual encounter.

Clinton's podium will feature a customized step stool to compensate for the 10-inch height advantage held by the 6-foot-3 Donald Trump, a maneuver that could boost the optics for the Democratic nominee.

As to Flowers, GOP vice-presidential nominee Mike Pence told "Fox News Sunday" that Trump was merely mocking the Clinton campaign for confirming that Trump nemesis-entrepreneur Mark Cuban was indeed invited to a front-row seat at the Hofstra University debate.

He argued the campaign was really trying to "distract attention from where the American people are going to be focused" which is picking a president to chart the future of America.

So, there you have it, my little politicos, the debate has not even begun and the candidates are already throwing rocks.

On A Sad Note: Arnold Palmer, one of the world's greatest golfers  died Sunday in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Palmer died Sunday afternoon of complications from heart problems. Palmer was admitted to the hospital Thursday for some cardiovascular work and weakened over the last few days. He was 87 years old. Rest in peace, Arnie.

The News As I See It: A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked yesterday. They're saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, "Technically, my title is vice president."

Mark Zuckerberg's wife, Priscilla, says their 10-month-old daughter won't be allowed to sign up for Facebook until she's 13 because she has to follow the rules. That's so sweet that she thinks teens will still be into Facebook in 13 years.

New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every day. This is evidenced by the inside of the break room microwave that looks like a triple homicide just took place.

This Date In History: 1789; Thomas Jefferson was appointed America's first Secretary of State. 1820; Frontiersman, Daniel Boone, died in Missouri. 1914 The Federal Trade Commission was established.

1950; United Nations troops recaptured Seoul, the capital of South Korea, from the North Koreans. 1960; Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy took part in the first televised presidential debate. 1986; William H. Rehnquist was sworn as the 16th chief justice of the Supreme Court.

Picture Of The Day: There's Something About Mary Gennifer.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I had a paper route when I was a kid. Every morning I would go to 300 houses or two dumpsters, depending on the weather. 2) On a traffic light yellow means yield and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite. Yellow means go ahead, green means stop and red means you're holding an apple. 3) All my Internet passwords are protected by amnesia. 4) I see nothing but continued growth and expansion for the foreseeable future...but enough about my diet. 5) "Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying my bills.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 26th: Although you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, bear in mind that you can catch even more flies with manure. Take the time to shave closely tonight as the evening is showing signs of becoming memorable. Chance of romance is partly cloudy with a chance of reins, a whip and handcuffs .

Birthdays: John Chapman, American pioneer, more familiarly known as Johnny Appleseed 1774, Ivan Pavlov, experimental psychologist 1849, T. S. Eliot,  poet 1888, Martin Heidegger, philosopher 1889, George Gershwin, composer 1898, Christine Todd Whitman, public official 1946, Olivia Newton-John, singer 1948, Serena Williams, tennis player 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple were discussing plans to get married and wanted to iron out any potential problems with their particular properties. The old woman said, "I want to keep my condominium in my name" The old man replied, "That's fine with me."

The woman said, "I also want to keep my Cadillac in my name only." The man said, "that's fine with me." Then, the old lady said, "I want to have sex six days a week." The old man said, "That's fine with me - put me down for Fridays."

An old couple is on a walk when a pigeon flies by and takes a dump on the woman’s head. The old woman says, "Yech! Get some toilet paper." The old man replies, "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and woman were in divorce court awaiting the judge's ruling on the financial and property settlement.

The judge said, "Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $750 a week."

Mr Clark said, "That's very fair, your honor, and every now and then, I'll try to give her a few bucks, myself."

The Head Gardner at the White House was fired. after 28 years of service. Jim Whitey, the head gardener at the White House, was dismissed today after 28 years of loyal service. In an interview outside the back gate of the White House, the elderly gentleman, proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

He said, "It all happened so fast. I'm still in a daze. All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I yelled out to my assistants, "Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?" and the next thing I knew, the Secret Service was escorting me off the property!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, always buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it's a gift.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Okay, Back To Work

Another Labor Day's has passed, the kids are back in school and we grudgingly give up the weekend and go back to work. It's hump day and we all look forward to next weekend. Oh, and the government made its regular Labor Day bad news document dump late Friday.

The government morons have yet to grasp that we live in the times of instant news. They dump and in 30 minutes, it's all over the Internet.

The latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails was put out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun.

One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smart phone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years.

Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones.

I have a plan to permanently bench Colin Kaepernick, the moron who refuses to stand for the national anthem. My plan will keep him on the bench forever.....
 

The News As I See It: Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went. There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let Obama get off Air Force One using the red carpet staircase. See? Even the Chinese are not impressed with Barry.

Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. This is convenient, the included ear buds will come "pre-lost."

Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

This Date In History: 1822; Brazil declared its independence from Portugal. 1901; The Boxer Rebellion in China officially ended with the signing of the Peking Protocol (Peace of Beijing). 1940; Nazi Germany began its initial blitz on London during World War II.

1979; The Entertainment and Sports Programming Network (ESPN) made its debut on cable TV. 1986; Desmond Tutu became the first black to lead the Anglican Church in southern Africa.

Picture Of The Day: One of the best, Gene Wilder. Rest in peace.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 2) For the Pokemon fanatics, one day you'll look up from your cell phone and realize your kids put you in a nursing home. 3) Note to young parents. Please remember to put your screaming baby on vibrate. 4) I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic 2. 5 Back in the day, my son asked what it's like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 7th: A potential mate will come to you today and will affect your self confidence. Bizarrely, you will attempt a counter-strike by sharpening your pencils. Do not stick the pencil in your ear.

On another note, did you wake up in under the swing set again? Don't let your drinking get you down, go and have a beer.

Birthdays: Elizabeth I, queen of England (1558–1603) 1533, Grandma Moses, painter 1860, Elinor Wylie, poet and novelist 1885, Edith Sitwell, poet and critic 1887, Taylor Caldwell, novelist 1900, Elia Kazan, director, writer, actor 1909, Peter Lawford, actor 1923, Buddy Holly, singer 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter, Mom? Giving up?"

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

After taking a look, Joe said, "He's burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's ass and said, "Nope, that ain't George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al and showed him the body. Al said, "Wow, he's burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Al said, "Nope, that ain't George."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" They both answered, "George had two assholes." The mortician said, "What? How could he have two assholes?" Al said, "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, you'd hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?" The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one."

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, if you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a shotgun for the rear window of your pickup truck. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Spicoli Syndrome: Hollywood Political Views

Movie studios make about 600 movies a year. A few are good, most are garbage. Yet, they spout their liberal views and most conservatives get blacklisted if they disagree. Hollywood should concentrate on making a decent movie, not politics.

Every new movie ad is replete with guns, zombies, explosions, car crashes and, more importantly, the certainty of a mindless plot (id est, young people will love it). 

Toyota and General Motors decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program" with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

Sadly.....The End. Sad, but oh so true! Here's something else to think about:

Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. Toyota has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US The last quarter's results: Toyota makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses. Ford folks are still scratching their heads.

The News As I See It: Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress...Hillary Clinton.

According to Hillary’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.

Experts say Hillary’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.

Donald Trump first came out with guns blazing, saying he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.

Trump is not only reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he's been reaching out to the black community. He says he loves African-Americans. In fact, some of his best credit cards are black.

Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say, "Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January."

Olympian Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL.

This Date In History: 1847; Liberia was proclaimed an independent republic. 1920; The 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote went into effect.

1939; The first televised major league baseball game was televised: a double-header between the Brooklyn Dodgers and the Cincinnati Reds.

1974; Aviator Charles Lindbergh, the first man to fly solo, nonstop across the Atlantic, died. 1978; John Paul I became Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. He died one month later.

Picture Of The Day: Transparency.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) She hated my mixed-tape back in college. Last month, she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode. 2) The real 5 second rule is that if you can get to it before the dog does, it's yours. 4 3) My new answering service recording: "Hello telemarketers and collection agencies. Your call is very important to me. Please leave a message after this enjoyable 30 minute flute solo." 4) I get high before I get my drivers license picture taken. That way, I look normal if I'm pulled over. 5) It's now politically correct to award kids trophies for last place. On a related note, "trophy wife" has become rather ambiguous.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope:Virgo - August 26th: Your brother is heavy, no matter what you hear on the radio. The end is growing nearer but, according to the stars, you've still got plenty of time. If you never liked asparagus before, try it again. I still think it tastes like shit, but your tastes may have changed.

Birthdays: Antoine Laurent Lavoisier, chemist 1743, Peggy Guggenheim, art patron and collector 1898, Albert Sabin, physician and microbiologist 1906, Mother Teresa, Roman Catholic missionary 1910, Julio Cortázar, writer 1914, Macaulay Culkin, actor 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little replied, "Then you ask him."

An aging grandmother tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, the farmhouse and $24,548,750 in cash."

The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are so generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?" Grandma whispered, "Facebook…"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! I don't wake up 'til eleven."

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven. The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question. The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word. The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?" The Angel replied, "Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

That's it for today, my little pet rocks. Remember, everybody values honesty until they have an ugly baby. The pending possible hurricane notwithstanding, I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Debbie Does Philadelphia

I skip watching the conventions live and listen to the television summations, mostly because it's like watching a bad infomercial. Moreover, I can avoid the morons and listen to the better speakers. One can be sure that it's all smoke and mirrors.

Since all politicians are liars, the entire production has no real substance. That said, I was able to avoid listening to the likes of Nancy Pelosi and other morons. Additionally, WikiLeaks spared me the torture of seeing and listening to Debbie Wasserman Schultz.

There are some democrats and republicans that I avoid, but last night's "Love Story" speech by Bill Clinton amused me as he gushed over how he met Hillary and professed his love for her. Of course, he neglected to mention his numerous affairs with other women

Tonight's speeches should be fun, with Obama giving the final speech. I have no desire to listen to his speech but again, I was amused today, when he said that Donald Trump had no foreign policy knowledge or experience. I assume that Obie forgot that he was an unknown community organizer who went on to the presidency, where he, too, had no foreign policy knowledge or experience.

Two final thoughts today. First, the IRS announced today that they are investigating the Clinton Foundation for fraud and other charges, Secondly (and the most fun), Joe Biden will also speak tonight and I'll be waiting for one of his usual foot-in-mouth gaffes. Joe is becoming charming in his own peculiar way.

The News As I See It: Obama appeared on Face the Nation last Sunday and said of Hillary Clinton, "She's not always flashy and there are better speech makers, but she knows her stuff." Man, I’d hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date... "She’s got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don’t wanna die alone, do you?"

Bernie Sanders spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Sanders' speech was interrupted by dozens of applause breaks and three pee breaks.

Hillary Clinton’s main task this week was to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary’s going to begin her speech with the rousing first line, "Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!"

This Date In History: 1861; Union general George B. McClellan was put in command of the Army of the Potomac during the Civil War. 1940; Billboard magazine published its first singles record chart (for the week of July 20). 1953; An armistice was signed ending the Korean War.

1974; The House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach Richard Nixon for obstructing justice in the Watergate case. 1995; The Korean War Veterans Memorial was dedicated in Washington, DC.

1996; A pipe bomb exploded in an Atlanta park during the Olympic Games. 2003; Lance Armstrong won his fifth straight Tour de France, tying Miguel Indurain's record. 2012; The 2012 Summer Olympics began in London.

Picture Of The Day: Scooter is growing.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway. 2) You can tell by a woman's feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you. 3) Thanks, spell check, that's exactly what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie. 4) The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.  5) Sorry about the auto-correct typos lately. I just got a Facebook invitation to my brother's non-alcoholic Mormon wedding. I don't know which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Leo - July 27th: Loving care is something that people write on shampoo bottles. What you need is a good hard drink. A beautiful woman will turn your head today and make you wonder whether you're as committed as you ought to be.

Birthdays: Alexandre Dumas, French dramatist and novelist 1824, Leo Durocher, baseball player 1905, Norman Lear, television producer 1922, Bharati Mukherjee, writer 1940, Peggy Fleming, ice skater 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature.

Her question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

The man says, "Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." The teller said, "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

The man says, "There's no damn problem. I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin' checking account in this damn bank!"The manager says, "I see, sir, and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Earl and Bubba, two good old boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife. She hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl smiles, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, Bubba. Women like that are hard to find."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa you need to fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is now get out there and fix it."

So, Pa goes out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "There ain't nothing wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies "Stick your head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't sticking my head in that hole!" Ma says, "You have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma there ain't nothing wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, " Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies "Hurts, don't it?!"

That's it for today, my little pork chops. Remember, women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !