Happy Birthday Dad !

Today is my father's birthday. He was born in Alabama in 1911, married my mother in 1938, raised three children and passed away at age 76. I never met anyone who didn't like my Dad. He was one of the guys, yet women seemed to like him, as well.

Dad insisted on respect for family and instilled the basics in us at an early age. Yes sir, no sir, yes ma'am, no ma'am, please and thank you were a requirement. Respect for my mom was a commandment and woe be unto he or she that made the mistake of disrespect. I only got two or three whippings in my time, but I can tell you what they were for and why, to this day, I will never do them again.

Lake Okeechobee - 1972 - Day One

My favorite story about my dad was the time he and mom went to Lake Okeechobee for some fishing and relaxation. We would speak by phone every night and I'd always asked him about the fishing.

Each night, it was the same story, no one was catching anything. Then he would say, "But, I told them all, 'You just wait 'til my son comes up this weekend. We'll catch bass, I guarantee it!.'"I'm thinking to myself, "Lord, I'm gonna need a favor."

Saturday morning, we headed out to a spot that always produced for me in the past and I let Dad take the first cast. The lure hit the water and a two pound bass nailed it. Instead of casting myself, I helped Dad boat his bass and put it on the stringer.

By the time, I had put the bass on the stringer and tied it to the boat, Dad had another bass on. Again, I netted the yearling bass, put it on the stringer, reached for my rod and "Boom!", Dad had another bass on.

Lake Okeechobee - 1972 - Day Two

After Dad's sixth bass was on the stringer and he was bringing in number seven, I reached for my rod and made a cast. Dad said, "Aren't you going to net the bass for me?" I said, "Hell, no! Boat it yourself! I'm going to cast and get me one before you catch all of them!" Dad just laughed.

Needless to say, when we got back to camp, Dad made sure he paraded out the catch in front of everyone he knew. We got twenty-two bass on the first day and twenty-one on day two. Note the pictures of each day and you can see I wore a crew neck t-shirt on one day and a V-neck the other. Dad was prouder than a peacock and I was happy to be there and see Mom and Dad have a good trip.....

The News As I See It: Israel and Hamas both fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides "mostly respected" the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're "mostly dressed."

The U.S. - Mexico border crisis continues. A new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America.

The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on "Shuffle."

They want to allow Obama to be able to instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there's breaking news. Obama said, "And I mean real breaking news, not that CNN crap."

Germany has now won four World Cup soccer championships. They are still O-2 in world wars, though.

The world is in turmoil. Israel and Hamas are fighting with each other, The border is overrun with illegal aliens from Central America. So, other than rhetoric and fund raising, what does Obama do?

WASHINGTON -- On Monday, Obama will sign an executive order banning workplace discrimination against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender workers of federal contractors and the federal government.

The executive order has two components: It prohibits federal contractors from discriminating against employees based on sexual orientation or gender identity -- a move that affects 24,000 companies employing roughly 28 million workers, or about one-fifth of the nation's workforce -- and it explicitly bans discrimination against federal employees based on their gender identity.

Way to go Barry! Your leadership is reaching a new low!

This Date In History: 64; A great fire began that ultimately destroyed most of Rome. The emperor Nero blamed it on Christians and began the first Roman persecution of them.

1925; The first volume of Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf was published. 1936; The Spanish Civil War began. 1947; President Harry S. Truman signed the Presidential Succession Act.

1976; 14-year-old Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci earned the first perfect score, a ten, at the Olympics and went on to score six more tens and win three gold medals. 1999; New York Yankee David Cone pitched the 16th perfect game in baseball history.

Picture Of The Day: Another Obama democrat.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Pot delivery services has tripled in the last three years because more states are easing their marijuana laws. The first person who combines that with a pizza delivery service will be our country's first trillionaire. 2) If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami? 3) Honk if you love Jesus and text while driving if you want to meet him. 4) If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap. 5) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with liars, thieves, tax evaders and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 18th: Less than a year will go by before you realize that the love you are currently experiencing is unlikely to ever be shared by your mate. All is not lost, however, as they will break their toe in a skiing accident.

Birthdays: My Dad in heaven - Happy Birthday 1911, Robert Hooke physicist, mathematician and inventor 1635, William Thackeray, novelist 1811, Jessamyn West, novelist 1902, S. I. Hayakawa, scholar, former U.S. Senator 1906, Nelson Mandela, South African political leader 1918, John Glenn, astronaut 1921, Dick Button, figure skater 1929, Yevgeny Yevtushenko, poet 1933.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man was walking down the road and saw his Afghanistan neighbor, Abdul, standing on his second floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

A man enters a Roman Catholic Church confessional booth in Washington, D.C. He says to the priest, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last night, I beat up an Obama supporter who was insulting an old woman for her political views."

The Priest replied, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not to discuss your community service."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

Finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope you don't mind Johnny being in there." The doctor calmly, "No, he'll quiet down when he gets to the poisons."

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" The dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised. He asks, "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

That's it for today, my little Pez dispensers. Remember, many chose the path less traveled, but most of them are mainly just lost. Today's a good day to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Then again, every day is a good day to go to happy hour!

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Texas Group Backs Out Of Purchasing Resort Hotel For Illegals

The Obama administration awarded a $50 million contract to a charitable group to buy a Texas resort hotel and transform it in to a 600 bed facility for juvenile illegal aliens. Breaking news reports that the Texas group has since backed out of the deal due to public pressure and anger.

The Palm Aire Hotel and Suites was set to be sold to Baptist Child and Family Services (BCFS) operating under a federal contract, pending local government approval, according to reports from Weslaco, Texas where the hotel is located.

Weslaco is a few miles north of the Rio Grande in Hidalgo County. The resort hotel for illegal alien children was reportedly the "first in the nation". The plan was to have the hotel ready for illegal alien children ages 12 to 17 by October 1st of this year, a mere two-and-half months from now. It was expected the average stay would have been about fifteen days.

The Palm Aire Hotel and Suites has amenities such as two outdoor swimming pools—one Olympic sized—Jacuzzis, sauna, steam room, two racquetball courts, outdoor tennis courts, picnic area with grills and a fitness center with twenty machines and free weights.

A prime example of the Obama administration quietly at work, recklessly spending taxpayer dollars.

Attorney General Eric Holder and the Department of Justice are tackling the tough issues. No, not the IRS and Lois Lerner's missing emails, not the VA scandal, not Benghazi. Nope, he's investigating the July 4th weekend parade in Norfolk, Nebraska. Holder is involved because… well, racism of course.

You may ask, why? Well, is seems the parade had a blue flatbed truck carrying a zombie-looking mannequin in overalls on the door of an outhouse labeled "Obama Presidential Library" so the Justice Department sent a member of its Community Relations Service team to Norfolk to investigate.

The Justice Department bureaucrat attended a meeting on Thursday about the float fracas. Also in attendance at the meeting were representatives of the NAACP, the town mayor and members of The Independent Order of Odd Fellows, the group that organizes the yearly parade.

The man behind the controversial float, Dale Remmich, has explained that the overalls-clad mannequin in front of the outhouse represented himself — not Obama. The point he was trying to make concerned his frustration with Obama’s mismanagement of the Veterans Affairs Department.

With all of the scandals and general f*ck-ups of the Obama administration, the race card is the only card left to play. Sadly, Holder continues to stonewall the IRS investigation, yet gives the Nebraska float top priority.

Jimmy's Journal ran this joke during the Bush administration:

Fire Destroys Bush Presidential Library:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have been lost. Presidential spokesman Ari Fleischer said the president was devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.

The joke was all over the news. Personally, it amused me. You could have inserted any president's name and it would have still been funny. The same is true of the outhouse float.

Yet, there was no uproar, no crying, no blaming or excuses over the Bush joke. It was a joke! Then again, how could Bush cast aspersions or blame? Well, I guess he had no cards to play.....

The News As I See It: Germany is the World Cup champion. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. We know this because we're still bugging her phone.

People are going to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. It's more fun than a barrel of people.

LeBron James is going back to Cleveland. In return Cleveland released five Taliban prisoners.

Yes, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.

This Date In History: 1790; The District of Columbia was established as the seat of the United States government. 1918; Russia's Czar Nicholas II and his family were executed by the Bolsheviks.

1935; The first parking meters were installed in Oklahoma City. 1945; The first atomic bomb was tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico. 1951; J. D. Salinger's novel Catcher in the Rye was published.

1969; Apollo 11 took off on the first manned flight to the moon. 1979; Saddam Hussein became president of Iraq. 1999; John F. Kennedy, Jr., his wife Carolyn Bessette, and her sister Lauren, died in a plane crash near Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts.

Picture Of The Day: Don't remember where I found it, don't remember where it is. I just know I want to go fishing there.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) My electric car is getting serviced, so they loaned me an acoustic one. 2) The reason that I broke up with my ex-girlfriend was for lying.....underneath my ex-friend. 3) (Her): "How much for the green smart car?" (Me): "...Uh, that's a watermelon." 4) Hey NSA, I accidentally deleted an email. Can I get you to forward me your copy? 5) Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies, of course.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 16th: A potential love relationship will appear to you today and possibly affect your self confidence. You may find love in unexpected places, however don't forget to seek solace in the bosom of a loved one. If your loved one has a particularly ample bosom, be aware that there might be others already in there. Help the small ones.

Birthdays: My friends Juan, Mimi, Monica, and Pam - Happy Birthday 19XX, Andrea del Sarto, painter 1486, Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot, painter 1796, Mary Baker Eddy, founder, Christian Science Church 1821, Ida B. Wells-Barnett, journalist, activist 1862, Roald Amundsen, Norwegian polar explorer 1872, "Shoeless" Joe Jackson, baseball player 1887, Trygve Lie, first secretary-general of the United Nations 1896, Ginger Rogers, singer, dancer, actress 1911, Pinchas Zukerman, violinist and conductor 1948.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked In the mirror and noticed that he was white from the neck to the top of his head.

In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning white all over, he called his doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all. Obama drank the concoction and said,"That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was...you were a quart low."

A Mexican naval ship and American authorities off the coast of San Diego exchanged radio conversations one night. The Americans radioed, "Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid a collision."

The Mexicans radioed back, "Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision." The Americans responded, " Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

The Mexicans immediately said, "This is the Captain Gomez of the Mexican Navy warship. I say again, divert your course." The Americans responded, "No. I say again, you divert your course."

The Mexican ship said, "This is the Mexican warship "Pancho Villa", the second largest ship in our fleet. We are accompanied by three support war vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

The Americans responded, "This is a lighthouse.....your call, Jose!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray goes to see the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?" Murray replies, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" Murray then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" Murray says, "Yes!" The Rabbi says, "Take the poison."

 A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. He says, "In 1944, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force."

The old pilot continued, "I remember, one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these two fokkers appeared. I looked up, and right above me was one of them and I shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this moment, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company." The pilot says, "That's true, but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

That's it for today, my little tater tots. Remember, there's no fool like an old fool, but the young ones are coming right along. I'll meet you in AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

Nostalgia: The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast

Insomnia is something that I just accept and fortunately, I can sleep when I feel like it. I've found that a lot of my friends deal with it, as well. The other evening, I watched an infomercial for the Dean Martin Roast and it dawned on me the era was an important part of my life.

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast was an NBC television special show hosted by entertainer Dean Martin from 1974 to 1984. For a series of 54 specials and shows, Martin would periodically "roast" a celebrity.

These roasts were patterned after the roasts held at the New York Friars' Club. The format would have the celebrity guest seated on a dais, and one by one the guest of honor was affectionately chided or insulted about his career by his fellow celebrity friends.

Seeing people like Bob Hope, Frank Sinatra, George Burns, Jack Benny, Lucille Ball, the inimitable Don Rickles, Sammy Davis Jr, Orson Welles, Jackie Gleason, Johnny Carson, Ronald Reagan, Jimmy Stewart, and so many, many more invoked a flood of memories.

Watching a plethora of video clips of some of the most talented people ever assembled was a pleasant trip back to yesterday. Although I may be a bit prejudiced, that irreplaceable era was probably the best in television history.

The News As I See It: Texas Governor Rick Perry told Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami.

LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. The Miami Heat’s owner Micky Arison, who also owns Carnival Cruises, said today he’s shocked and disappointed by LeBron’s decision. But I think he'll be OK. I mean, if there's anyone who's used to dealing with a sinking ship.

A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, "We got the idea from a child's nightmare."
 

This Date In History: 1789; The storming and destruction of Bastille marked the beginning of the French Revolution. 1798; Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a crime to publish false, scandalous, or malicious writing about the U.S. government.

1881; Billy the Kid was shot by Sheriff Pat Garrett in New Mexico. 1921; In one of the most controversial cases in U.S. history, anarchists Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were convicted of two murders and sentenced to death.

1933; In Germany, all political parties except the Nazi party were outlawed. 1946; Dr. Spock's Common Sense Book of Baby & Child Care was published. 1958; A military coup overthrew the monarchy in Iraq, killing King Faisal II. General Abdul Karim Kassem becomes Iraq's leader.

Picture Of The Day: This picture is entitled "Black Forrest" and I happened to run across it surfing the Internet. No rhyme, no reason.....I just thought it was quaint.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my girlfriend I haven’t eaten yet. 2) (Me): "What?! You said I could tie you up and do anything I want." (Her): "Well, where the hell have you been?" (Me): "Fishing." 3) (Me): "Your shoes are on the wrong feet." ( 4-year-old): "But I don't have any other feet." (Me): "Fair enough." 4) Regular naps prevent old age -- especially if you take them while driving. 5) Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - : Animals can be your friends this week as you learn what it's like to live in an alley. There's no reason to get nervous, many relationships end this way.

Birthdays: James McNeill, Whistler painter 1834, Emmeline Pankhurst, woman suffragist. 1858, Gertrude Bell, traveler, author, and government official 1868, Woody Guthrie, American folk singer, guitarist, and composer 1912, Gerald R. Ford, 38th President of the United States (1974-1977) 1913, Ingmar Bergman, director 1918, Maulana Karenga, scholar 1941, Matthew Fox, actor 1966.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?" The old man smiled and replied, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?"

The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back." The old man exclaimed, "Oh, thank goodness, for a minute or two I thought I'd gone deaf!"

A man was at a bank and in front of him there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She said to the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two hunters in Louisiana are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

The Catholic Church requires women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it.

A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse."

The woman replied, "But Father, I have a divine right !" The priest says, " I can see, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church."

That's it for today, my little canaries. Remember, everything is edible. It's just that some things are only edible once.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Forget The Illegals - Let's Take Care Of Our Own Children First

A cargo train carrying about 1,300 Mexican and Central American migrants heading to the United States border derailed in southern Mexico. Many of the people onboard were young and no one was injured when the train came off the tracks in the southern state of Oaxaca on Wednesday, a spokesman for local emergency services told Reuters.

Several days of heavy rain in the area may have caused the train. nicknamed "The Beast", to derail and leave its passengers stranded, authorities said. Just a reminder! Three-fourths of the "children" arriving in the last two years are boys over 14 years old!

An internal summary of Border Patrol operations at the U.S. Customs and Border Protection Nogales (Arizona) Placement Center stated that 16 unaccompanied immigrant children being held at the facility are members of Mara Salvatrucha (MS-13) transnational criminal gang.

The summary, which was obtained by the Townhall online magazine, noted that Border Patrol officials at Nogales were alerted to the MS-13 presence among the detainees when they discovered gang-related graffiti in the walls of the processing center

Tell me Obama and the Mexican government couldn’t stop this if they wanted to!
 

NBA Miami Heat player Lebron James will sign with the Cleveland Cavelliers for next season. The only reason I know this is that the media is shoving it down my throat every hour on the hour. Worse, there's a big uproar in Miami about his leaving.

Personally, I rank basketball with soccer and hockey.....all boring until the last five minutes. I do, however, respect any player's decision to do what he or she decides is best for them and their families. You can be sure that's what team owners do as well without regard for their players.

The News As I See It: At the World Cup, there was a huge blowout when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, “You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.”

Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals. Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, "We're going to invade Disney World!"

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. I admire Ed Lowe because he was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

In an upcoming article for The Wall Street Journal, Tyra Banks predicts that everyone will have a robot in the future. The article raised a lot of good questions, like: Why is The Wall Street Journal interviewing Tyra Banks?

This Date In History: 1533; Pope Clement VII excommunicated England's King Henry VIII. 1804; Former vice president Aaron Burr fatally wounded former secretary of the treasury Alexander Hamilton in a duel. Hamilton died the following afternoon.

1864; Confederate general Jubal A. Early and his troops attacked Washington, DC. They retreated the next day, ending the Confederate threat to occupy the capital. 1914; Babe Ruth made his major league baseball debut as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox.

1977; The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was posthumously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his work to advance civil rights. 1989; Actor Laurence Olivier died. 1995 The United States and Vietnam established full diplomatic relations.

2011; The News of the World, a British newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch, closes after several allegations that the paper's journalists hacked into voicemail accounts belonging to not only a 13-year-old murder victim, but also the relatives of soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: Beautiful Blue Spring State Park located in Florida.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Note to all of my lovely female friends. I become more attractive when you put on your wine glasses. 2) Outside the bar at 2 am and I'm thinking, "I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes." 3) Dyslexic postcard: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. 4) I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans 5) I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home." I called my doctor and he said it's probably "Tom Jones Syndrome." I asked him if that was common and he said, "It's Not Unusual.".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 11th: This is the weekend to sit back and imagine how nice it would be nice if we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize peace and harmony for about an hour. Just imagine how serene and quiet it would be right up to the point where the looting would begin.

Birthdays: Robert the Bruce, Scottish King 1274, Thomas Bowdle, editor 1754, John Quincy Adams, 6th president of the United States American (1825-1829) 1767, E.B. White writer 1899, Yul Brynner actor 1920.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"

Two old men, Saul and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Saul, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the word 'F*ck'."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say that?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Murray and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Murray paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

Murray looked down at his feet, then apologized for his emotional outburst, "I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole. It holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?"

Murray stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack right at this very hole." His buddy said, "Oh my God! That must have been very difficult for you!"

Murray replied, "Difficult? It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Edna, hit the ball, drag Edna....."

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing their previous night's lovemaking. The Italian said, "I rubbed fine olive oil all over my wife, then we made wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."

The Frenchman said, "I rubbed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."

The Englishman said, "I covered my wife's body with lard. We made love and she screamed for six hours." The others asked, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" The Englishman replied, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."

That's it for today, my little shortcakes. Remember, the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I'm off to AREA 51 for a bit of rest and recreation.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !