The Dorky Christmas TV Commercial Deluge Has Begun

Christmas commercials are making the television rounds and the latest ad shows kids going apeshit over the "Stuffie", a little stuffed animal that surely was written to pressure Grandparents to dip into their savings to make the little ones happy.

I also wait with bated breath for the annual Pajamagram commercials which tout how happy your lady will be when you give her your gift. Nothing says "I love you" like pajamas for Christmas. Fret not, though, her boyfriend will probably just buy her something stupid like diamonds.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the "Snuggie", the perennial product which I like to describe as a blanket with sleeves.Yes, the onslaught has begun so, cheer up folks, the worst is yet to come......

Politically Correct Word Of The Day: It seems that Obama and the liberal media are now pronouncing Muslims as "Moos-lems". I prefer the old version of "Muzz-lems". Speaking of Hussein:

The News As I See It: Hanukkah has begun and will continue until next Monday. I, for one, think it's unfair that Jewish people get eight days of Hanukkah and we only get to celebrate Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year.

You can tell which of your friends aren't Jewish based on who had their phones auto correct to "Happy Handkerchief."

In the United Kingdom, a sperm donor has fathered 54 children. Today, he was offered a contract by the NBA.

Obama gave a rare national address Sunday night from the Oval Office. Hillary Clinton said it was her favorite episode of "House Hunters."

Bernie Sanders just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels — especially because they're made from his high school friends.

This Date In History: 1941, China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy. 1958; The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed. 1965; "A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered. 1990; Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland.

1993; U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope. 1996; Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.

Picture Of The Day: Now these Snuggies are well worth the investment......

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A guy stole my bike so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his twitter name?" We laughed and laughed and I need a new bike.  2) One of the worst things about being deaf has to be the inability to tell whether people are yawning or screaming. 3) Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine. 4) You know you drank too much last night when you have to use Google maps to find out where you are the next morning. 5) I remember when my ex-wife and I decided not to have children. The kids took it pretty hard.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: Itching may be a sign of bad things to come. Lifting heavy objects may cause you pain later today. If find yourself speaking in different languages while smoking weed, you're probably Rosetta Stoned.

Birthdays: Joel Chandler Harris, humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff, author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton, actor 1902, Grace Hopper, rear admiral; computer scientist 1906, Thomas P. (Tip) O'Neill,  political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas, actor 1916, John Cassavetes, actor and director 1929, Junior Wells, musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench, actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actress 1962.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A phenomena known as "women's intuition" a sixth sense if you will, is no myth. Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do. Why is this?

In the early 80's, researchers discovered that women have more connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly un-connectable pieces. Oh..., and they also go through all your stuff while you're in the shower.

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would come in with him and be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed screwing another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your Green Bay Packer season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with a blanket before he catches a cold!

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs." The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Syria either."

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, give a man a six pack and he'll drink for a day. Give him a 24 pack and he'll drink for a day. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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A Word Of Advice - Take Heed Those Who May Tread On America

On December 7th, 1941, Japan made the fatal mistake of bombing Pearl Harbor killing 2,402 and injuring 1,402 Americans. This deliberate action woke a sleeping giant. Japan surrendered in defeat after two atomic bombs were dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945.

Please take the time today to remember the dead and wounded in this devastating attack and remember the heroes, both past and present of the United States armed forces.

The News As I See It: The world's most popular type of banana is now facing extinction due to a fungus in Panama. So, it seems we're facing a banana shortage. My girlfriend said, "So does that means you actually are happy to see me?"

Hillary Clinton went on an Instagram binge and followed a bunch of celebrities like Beyonce, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. When Bill Clinton was asked if he follows any women on Instagram, he said, "All of them."

There was a ceremony at the Capital to unveil a marble statue of Dick Cheney. People said, "Wow, he looks so life-like." Then Cheney said, "Uh, the statue's over there.

Russia is planning to build a base on the moon where astronauts will live permanently. When asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless landscape, the Russians said, "No, that's why we want to go to the moon."

This Date In History: 1787; Delaware became the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. 1917; The U.S. declared war on Austria-Hungary in World War I. 1941; The Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

1972; America's final moon mission, Apollo 17, blasted off from Cape Canaveral. 1975; Indonesia invaded East Timor, leading to a 25-year occupation. 1988; A 6.9 magnitude earthquake hit Armenia, killing 25,000.

2001; Taliban forces fled from Kandahar, their last stronghold in Afghanistan. 2002; Iraq formally declared to the UN that it had no weapons of mass destruction. 2004; Hamid Karzai was sworn in as Afghanistan's first popularly elected president.

Picture Of The Day: The USS Arizona Memorial, located at Pearl Harbor in Honolulu, Hawaii, marks the resting place of 1,102 of the 1,177 sailors and Marines killed on USS Arizona during the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor on 7 December 1941 and commemorates the events of that day.

The attack on Pearl Harbor and the island of Oahu was the action that led to the United States' direct involvement in World War II.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other's sentinels. 2) I wonder if clothes in China say "made around the corner." 3) I asked the my attorney's secretary if she could validate my parking. She said, "You park real good." 4) Men who dislike waking up at the crack of Dawn usually regret drunk dialing Dawn the night before.  5) I accidentally pushed my cat Samantha off of the bed while adjusting my blankets. Now she's sitting in the corner sadly humming a Sarah McLachlan song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 7th: Spiders have feelings too...an undeniable but ultimately useless fact when the vacuum cleaner strikes.

Test yourself today by walking around semi-nude. Please be aware, however, that semi-nude does not necessarily mean just clothed in a tee shirt.

This is a test horoscope. You should have never received this unless for some reason you are at odds with the Stars. Are you at odds?

Birthdays: Richard Warren Sears, merchant 1863, Willa Cather, novelist 1873, Ted Knight, actor 1923, Noam Chomsky, educator and linguist 1928, Ellen Burstyn actress 1932, Harry Chapin, songwriter, singer 1942, Reginald Lewis, business leader 1942, Tom Waits, songwriter, singer, actor 1949, Larry Bird, basketball player 1956, Aaron Carter, singer 1987.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. The personnel director says, "You’ll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. The director says, "Also, you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.” This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

The director continues, "There’s one last requirement. You must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice-a, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Bald eagles mate for life. In an aerial courtship, the pair soars thousands of feet into the sky, interlock talons and perform the mating act while rapidly plummeting toward the ground in a series of somersaults.

I don't know much about eagle personalities and sex practices, but if I were a female eagle and I looked down to see I was only 500 feet away from crashing on jagged rocks and certain death, I think I'd fake an orgasm.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me."

God continued, "Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.

Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

So God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

That's it for today, my little reindeer. Remember, it's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they always say, "Thank you for choosing Domino's.".

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Tasfeen Malik Pledged Allegiance To ISIS Prior To Murders

FBI officials have confirmed that the mass shootings in San Bernadino was an act of terror, a fact that everyone in America already knew. Obama has been notified via his usual sources, Facebook and Twitter. 

The FBI is also investigating whether Pakistan-born Tashfeen Malik radicalized her husband Syed Farook in the two years after their marriage. Reports are that the 27-year-old Malik also pledged allegiance to the leader of ISIS on Facebook before the couple went on the killing spree.

Prior to this afternoon's announcement, Obama had said that it was possible that the attack, where 14 people were killed and 17 others injured, was terrorist related. He said, "It is also possible this was workplace-related. We don’t know why they did it."

Clearly, Obama is an idiot who is quick to call "racism" when a Black is killed yet does not have the balls to call these assholes radical Islamic terrorists. I guess he doesn't want to offend his relatives.

The News As I See It: Donald Trump said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN said, "We don't have $5 million. We'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours.... Oh my God, where do we send the check?"

In an interview with Charlie Rose, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, "And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend."

Yahoo reports that among its top searches of the year are Minecraft and the Kardashian family. Both of them were searched under the phrase, "two-dimensional, brightly colored tools."

Last year, a man was able to get past the Secret Service and speak with Obama by pretending to be a congressman. The Secret Service realized he wasn’t a congressman because he was willing to be seen with Obama.

This Date In History: 1783; George Washington delivered his farewell address to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York City. 1816; James Monroe of Virginia was elected (by electors) the fifth president of the United States.

1875; William Marcy "Boss" Tweed of New York's Tammany Hall escaped from jail and fled the country. 1945; The Senate approved U.S. participation in the United Nations. 1978; Dianne Feinstein became San Francisco's first female mayor.

1991; Associated Press correspondent Terry Anderson is released after seven years as a hostage in Lebanon. 1993; Rock musician and composer Frank Zappa died at age 52. 2003; Interpol put the former president of Liberia, Charles Taylor, on its most-wanted list.

Picture Of The Day: This week, during Obama's continuing rhetoric about climate change (formerly known as global warming), the chosen one mentioned rising seas and fish swimming in the streets of Miami.

Unfortunately, this was just an old Al Gore discredited report and, once again, Obama looked like a fool.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) When a woman says, "I can't even begin tell you how upset I am right now", just wait 3 seconds. 2) My grandfather use to tell us about walking 10 miles to school. I tell my grandchildren about walking across the room to change channels! 3) I missed my turn into my driveway yesterday and ended up at the local bar a few blocks over. 4) "Walk it off" does not apply to everything. For example, you can't walk off stupidity unless it's into oncoming traffic.  5) As I walk past the duck pond, the big white ugly duck with the red thing on his head eyes me ominously. I find myself nervously clutching my newly bought loaf of bread. I may run.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 4th: The right moment could come at any time. Be cuddly today and as fluffy as possible. The stars are looking good for you this week as Mars pulls into a region of the sky that foretells of future relationships. It's possible that women may scream out your name in bed, especially if you're eating cookies.

Birthdays: John Cotton, clergyman 1584, Thomas Carlyle, essayist, historian 1795, Lillian Russell, soprano 1861, Edith Cavell, nurse 1865, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet 1875, Francisco Franco, Spanish general and leader 1892, Dennis Wilson, singer and musician 1944, Jeff Bridges, actor 1949, Tyra Banks, model 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A lady walked into a jewelry store and bent over to look more closely at a piece of jewelry, inadvertently breaking wind. Embarrassed, she looked around to see if anyone had heard the "accident" and prayed that no salesman would come to attend her until the "fog had lifted".

Her worst fears were realized when a salesman came to assist her. Hoping that the salesman was not near at the time, she nervously asked, "Sir, exactly how much is this lovely bracelet?" The salesman responded, "Lady, if you farted when you looked at it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks, "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" He replied, "Definitely not!"

His wife asked, "Why not? Don't you like being married?" He answered, "Of course I do." The wife said, "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" The husband said, "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

With a hurt look, she said, "You would?" His wife inquired, "Would you live in our house?" He answered, "Sure, it's a great house." She asked, "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" The husband replied, "Where else would we sleep?"

She continued, "Would you let her drive my car?" He said, "Probably, it is almost new." The wife asked, "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" He said, "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

She asked, "Would you give her my jewelry?" He answered, "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." His wife asked, "Would she use my golf clubs?" Her husband replied, "No, she's left-handed."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?" The drunk, still staring down replied, "I'm not sure but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. The father thought, "This kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the Dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day; you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

That's it for today, my little missile toes. Remember, of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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14 Dead, 17 Wounded In California Shooting

More than 14 people were killed and 17 others were wounded today in a mass shooting in San Bernadino. As of 8 pm (EST), police have stopped the vehicle and two of the suspects are dead. A third suspect is still unaccounted for.

The dark colored SUV was stopped by police and a barrage of bullets blew out all the windows in the vehicle, killing two of the three suspects. The vehicle was stopped about a mile from the original crime scene.

One of the suspects is believed to have been in the original meeting where the shootings occurred and left angrily.

One shooter is dead on the street and the other shooter is dead in the SUV

Obama, as usual and without any solid information as to the details of the mass shooting, immediately responded, "We should never think that this is something that just happens in the ordinary course of events, because it doesn't happen with the same frequency in other countries."

This is true unless you count the two mass shootings in France this year, among others. Obama is quick on the draw when it comes to gun control with the exception of his hometown of Chicago, the murder capital of the world.
 

As a public service, Jimmy's Journal would like to explain how to understand and resolve the problems with the federal debt ceiling.

Let's say you come home from work and find there has been a sewer backup in your neighborhood. Your home has sewage all the way up to your ceiling. What do you think you should do?

Raise the ceiling or pump out the shit? Your choice is coming next November.

The News As I See It: It cracks me up when people say, "If Trump becomes president, I'm leaving the country." No you won't. Delta doesn't take EBT cards.

This Date In History: 1804; Napoleon Bonaparte was crowned emperor of France in Paris by Pope Pius VII. 1823; President James Monroe outlined his famous doctrine opposing European expansion in the Western Hemisphere.

1859; Abolitionist John Brown was hanged for his raid on Harper's Ferry. 1942; The first controlled nuclear chain reaction was demonstrated at the University of Chicago.

1954; The Senate voted to condemn Republican senator Joseph R. McCarthy of Wisconsin for "conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute." 1970; The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was established.

1982; Barney B. Clark became the first person to receive an artificial heart in a transplant operation. 1988; Benazir Bhutto was sworn in as the Prime Minister of Pakistan, becoming the first woman to head an Muslim nation.

1990; Composer Aaron Copland died at age 90. 1999; A Protestant and Catholic cabinet convened for the first time in Northern Ireland. 2001; Enron Corp., under CEO Kenneth Lay, filed for bankruptcy.

Picture Of The Day: Swat teams surge to the area.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years. 2) Did you know that deer live an average of 15 years in the wild, but can live up to 87 in a condominium? 3) Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car. 4) Whenever I get a "Final Notice" letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction. 5) My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except for one song.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 2nd: When taking out the trash, remember that blood stains don't easily wash out of white shirts. Wake up in a trash-can again? Don't let your drinking get you down. Go out and have a beer.

Birthdays: Maria Callas, soprano 1923, Alexander Haig, general 1924, Julie Harris, actress 1925, Gianni Versace, fashion designer 1946, Lucy Liu, actress, model 1968, Monica Seles, tennis player 1973, Nelly Furtado, singer 1978, Britney Spears, pop singer 1981.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns?"

The other man said, "Do you mean a rose?" The man said, "Yes, that's the one." He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. Johnny said, "Why do you do that, mommy?" His mother replied, "To make myself beautiful."

His mother then began removing the cream with a tissue. Little Johnny said, "What's the matter? Giving up?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem. How to carry his entire purchases home.

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" The biker said, "Hey, thanks!" and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, "As a matter of fact, I live on Mockingbird Lane. We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smoke, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

He found a Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a "Vote for Obama" hat and a "Save the Trees" shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 800-pound grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest.

The two men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Four of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while another placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him and proclaimed, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions! I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was the guy in the beanie?" Another replied, "Dude, that was the Pope. He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

The logger said, "Well, he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Chicago and get another one?"

That's it for today, my little elves. Remember, marriage is betting someone half of your stuff that you'll love them forever. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Friday.

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