Jump From 24 Miles High? Right!

Felix Baumgartner, for some unknown reason, jumped from a capsule 24 miles in the stratosphere in a record-breaking feat that may also have marked the world’s first supersonic skydive. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would consider doing anything remotely close to that.

Baumgartner came down safely in the eastern New Mexico desert minutes about nine minutes after jumping from his capsule 128,097 feet, or roughly 24 miles, above Earth. He lifted his arms in victory, sending off loud cheers from jubilant onlookers and friends inside the mission’s control center in Roswell, New Mexico.

On another issue, I have only seen pictures and short clips of a noxious television show called Honey Boo Boo. I assume that the show is about the little pseudo beauty queen and her equally obnoxious mother, both of whom obviously in need of researching new diet plans.

Faced between having to watch that show or plummeting 24 miles to earth in a parachute, I fear I would elect to jump.....

The News As I See It: We learned a lot about Joe Biden's policies during the vice-presidential debate. As you know, he has come out very, very strongly against malarkey. The Obama campaign evidently has a new strategy. They've gone from "hope and change" to "smirk and giggle."

During the debate, Jim Lehrer, who moderated the first debate, wanted to watch at home but he lost control of the remote.

Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice-presidential debate. Even the broads from "The View" were like, "Dude — wait your turn!" Biden aggressively contested nearly every claim his opponent made during their debate. President Obama was like, "Wait — you’re allowed to do that?"

There were a couple of really funny jokes during the debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as "my friend."

Kellogg’s is recalling 3 million boxes of Frosted Mini-Wheats because of a possible metal contamination. Meanwhile, Fiber One is also being recalled, because it tastes like raked leaves.

This Date In History: 1860; Eleven-year-old Grace Bedell of Westfield, N.Y., wrote a letter to presidential candidate Abraham Lincoln, suggesting he could improve his appearance by growing a beard. 1914; With the support of President Wilson, the Clayton Antitrust Act, which made it illegal for companies to buy competitors' stock, was passed.

1917; Mata Hari, World War I spy, was executed by a firing squad in Vincennes, France. 1951; I Love Lucy, starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz, had its television debut. 1964; It was announced that Nikita Khruschev was removed from his positions as premier and secretary of the Communist Party of the USSR. 1966; The U.S. Department of Transportation was created.

1989; Wayne Gretzky topped Gordie Howe's NHL scoring record. 1991; Clarence Thomas got a narrow Senate confirmation of his nomination to the Supreme Court. 1993; Nelson Mandela and F. W. de Klerk were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for their work to end apartheid in South Africa. 2003; China became the third country to launch a staffed space mission.

Picture Of The Day: "See, what happened was, I know you told me not to get dirty and I know you told me not to play in the mud, but what really happened was, my friend Spike......you know my friend, Spike?,......Um, well he was runnin' and he accidentally fell in the mud and I had to pull him out, 'cause I was afraid he was drownding, so I had to saved him, but I wasn't playin' in the mud......"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it's time and getting to know each one of us personally. 2) You know you're gaining weight when you wake up and realized that your muffin top has become a pound cake. 3) Marriage is finding that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 4) My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight?" I said, "At the first sight of what?"  5) I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 16th: The evidence for love is staring you in the face but you can't see the forest for the trees. If you find this is true for you, I think the best thing to do is to stop wandering into forests. Love moves in mysterious ways, mostly of them diagonal.

Birthdays: Mikhail Yurevich Lermontov poet and novelist 1814, Helen Hunt Jackson writer 1830, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche philosopher 1844, Edith Bolling Galt Wilson U.S. First Lady 1872, C. P. Snow author and physicist 1905, Hiram Leong Fong politician 1906.

John Kenneth Galbraith economist 1908, Arthur Schlesinger Jr. historian and public official 1917, Mario Puzo novelist 1920, Lee Iacocca business executive 1924, Michel Foucault philosopher and historian 1926, Penny Marshall actress, director 1942.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects.

He asks the waiter, "What's this?" The waiter replies, "Cojones, senor." The man asks, "What are cojones?" The waiter explains, "Cojones are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."

At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.

After dinner the man informed the waiter that the cojones were better than the pair he had the previous afternoon but the portion was much smaller. The waiter replied, "Senor, the bull does not lose every time."

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great. Some asshole's got my pen."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Skip for his contribution to today's stories.

A tour bus in Egypt stops in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel and asks, "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out, softly cups the camel's balls in his hand and raises them up and down. He says, "It's about 2:00."

The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's balls! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story.

Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's balls. The local says, "Sit down here and grab the camel's balls. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard. See that clock hanging on the wall?"

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. The first soldier said, "Why did you join the army?" The second soldier answered, "I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?" The first soldier replied, "I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined."

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. The neighbor mother said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age." The mother of the young daughter yelled, "Sexuality my ass! He took out her appendix!"

That's it for today, my little chicklets. Remember, alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question. That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !