Vote For Me - I Wouldn't Lie To 'Ya

Last Friday, the White House told government contractors who were worried about fiscal cliff spending cuts to hold off on warning employees about possible layoffs. The government said it would cover legal costs if contractors are forced to slash their payrolls because of the looming $109 billion in automatic cuts next year and the contractors are alleged to have violated the WARN Act. The government will be using tax payer dollars to cover said costs.

The federal WARN Act requires businesses with more than 100 employees to notify workers at least 60 days in advance of a mass layoff or plant closing. Some states require more notice.

"Any resulting employee compensation costs for WARN Act liability as determined by a court, as well as attorneys' fees and other litigation costs (irrespective of litigation outcome) would qualify as allowable costs and be covered by the contracting agency, if otherwise reasonable and allocatable," the Office of Management and Budget said in its guidance.

Defense contractors in particular have warned for months that the upcoming sequester would cost jobs in their industry. Lockheed Martin's CEO has said publicly he may be forced to issue notice this fall of possible layoffs in 2013. If other contractors follow suit, there could be a rash of layoff notices right before Election Day.

Yesterday, Defense contractor Lockheed Martin heeded a request from the White House — one with political overtones — and announced it will not issue layoff notices to thousands of employees just days before the November presidential election.

Lockheed, one of the biggest employers in the key battleground state of Virginia, previously warned it would have to issue notices to employees, required by law, due to looming defense cuts set to begin to take effect after January 2 because of the failure of the Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction (the so-called Super-committee) which was created to find a way to cut $1.5 trillion from the federal deficit over the next decade.

Such massive layoffs could have threatened Obama’s standing in the state he won in 2008 and is hoping to carry again this November.

So there you have it fellow taxpayers. Obama tells government contractors to violate federal law and the government will cover any legal costs associated with violating the WARN Act. All this paid with tax payer dollars to insure that no bad news for the White House comes out just days prior to election day.

The News As I See It: With the first presidential debate tonight, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Most voters are saying, "No need to worry about that, we're way ahead of you.

They're going to have "fact checkers" standing by tonight, just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.

At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Joe Biden said, "The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried." Which candidate is he campaigning for? I’m confused.

Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to "60 Minutes" last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.

Schwarzenegger's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long. The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first. He says his first clue was mostly because the kid spoke broken English with an Austrian accent.

Schwarzenegger says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw "Jingle All the Way."

Police in Florida were called this weekend after 400 pounds of marijuana washed up on the beach. The police became suspicious when people stopped building sand castles and started building White Castles and Taco Bells.

This Date In History: 1226; St. Francis of Assisi, founder of the Franciscan order, died. 1863; President Lincoln declared the last Thursday in November as Thanksgiving Day. 1922; Rebecca L. Felton became the first woman U.S. Senator when she was appointed to serve out the term of Senator Thomas E. Watson.

1929; The Kingdom of Serbs, Croats, and Slovenes formally changed its name to the Kingdom of Yugoslavia. 1955; Captain Kangaroo and The Mickey Mouse Club premiered on television.

1974; Frank Robinson was named the first African-American manager in major league baseball. 1990; East Germany and West Germany united to become Germany, 45 years after being split into two countries at the end of World War II.

Picture Of The Day: Serenity.....I wish I was there.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 2) My book club reads wine labels. 3) If my memory gets any worse I'll be able to plan my own surprise party. 4) Somewhere between blah, blah, blah and yadda yadda, I'm sure you have a point. 5) Th and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Libra - October 3rd: Sid may be a lucky name for you this week. Sid may be a fighter pilot and he may be able to hook you up with anyone you like because he's just "that" connected. Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies will only be a memory this week as your love life will be on the wane. Not to worry, it's temporary. 

Birthdays: John Ross, Native American chief 1790, Pierre Bonnard, painter and illustrator 1867, Thomas Wolfe, American novelist 1900, James Herriot, writer 1916, Gore Vidal, writer 1925, Dave Winfield, baseball player 1951, Al Sharpton, Jr. civil rights activist, race baiter and general pain in the ass 1954, Stevie Ray Vaughan, blues musician 1954, Tommy Lee, rock musician 1962, Clive Owen, actor 1964, Gwen Stefani, singer 1969, Neve Campbell, actress 1973.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.

The golf pro says, "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!"

Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands penis." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad. Now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

Ma and Pa were living in Western Kentucky out on a farm up in the hills. Pa found that the hole under the outhouse was full. He went into the house and told Ma that he didn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young man down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college graduate."

So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "sir, I know you're a college graduate and I need your help. My outhouse hole is full and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young man tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the shit all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. Boom! The second stick of dynamite goes off, spreading shit all over the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, Are you alright?" As she pulls up her panties, Ma says, "Yeah, but it's a good thing I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A loud knock came on the wife's bedroom door.  The husband said, "Guess who?" His wife responded, "I know who it is!" The husband said, "Guess what I want?" His wife answered, "I know what you want!" The husband said, "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

A young couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet to pee and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to free her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his wife's stuffed bunny, over her exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took a long look and said, "Well I think I can save your wife, Buddy, but the rabbit's a goner."

Authors Note: For those of you who are following Jimmy's Journal on Facebook, you may have noticed changes in publishing notices and followers. Network Blogs, in its infinite wisdom, has "upgraded" their site and you may not see your picture on the site as a follower. You can easily correct this by simply clicking "Follow this blog" (button on the bottom) and following the instructions. Sorry for the inconvenience.

That's it for today, my little tootsie pops. Remember, after a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. My joints are killing me so, since I'm not dead, I'm going to AREA 51 for happy hour. That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !