Jay Carney Joins CNN - A Perfect Match

Jay Carney, the little weasel who was Obama's press secretary has signed with CNN. Carney spent the last six years becoming very comfortable in front of a small group of 70-80 people, most of whom completely agreed with him, so he's perfect for CNN. That's about same audience he'll have there.

Evidently, the position of White House press secretary is CNN's intern program. Carney is one of many Obama officials to get jobs in the media once they leave the White House. He's also about the zillionth White House press secretary to make that move.

Carney's move into punditry was widely assumed. A New York Times interviewer once asked him, "Now that you’re leaving your job as White House press secretary, do you know which cable news network you’re going to be a pundit for?"

The spin masters embrace.....

The News As I See It: New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? The answer is.....probably.

A truck in San Diego overturned and spilled thousands of oranges on a highway. It marked the first time in 20 years people in California were yelling, "Look out! OJ is on the highway."

Obama made a prime-time speech Wednesday night about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. Then, he quit talking about the NFL and talked about dealing with ISOL. Obama is getting tough with ISOL. I think he's going to force them to sell their NBA team.

The NFL is coming under a lot of fire. It came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. The NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.

Two 90-year-old lesbians got married in Iowa. Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public, but if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her "the lost Kardashian."

This Date In History: 1609; Henry Hudson began his exploration of the Hudson River. 1953; Future President John F. Kennedy married Jacqueline Bouvier. 1977; South African black civil rights leader Steven Biko died while in police custody.

1992; Dr. Mae Carol Jemison became the first black woman in space aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavour. 1999; Indonesia announced it would allow an international peacekeeping force to restore order to East Timor.

Picture Of The Day: Some of the many morons who wore Ray Rice's jersey at last night's Baltimore Ravens game against the Pittsurgh Steelers. This, despite the recent release of the video of Rice knocking out his then-girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino elevator. Pure class.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Veni, vidi, velcro, visa. I came, I saw, I stuck around and did a little shopping. 2) My ex-wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver. 3) Monday is "Bring Your Son or Daughter to the Unemployment Office Day." 4) I never knew why my father spent so much time in the garage until I got married. 3) 5) I don't care if you're a master carpenter, you never realize how big nine centimeters really is until you've observed your wife giving birth.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Virgo - September 12th: Fridays are a great day of the week for a party. You can get semi-blitzed tonight at happy hour as you and your co-workers celebrate and still look forward to a rousing weekend bash. A word of caution.....avoid over medicating because you'll need those drugs to go to work Saturday. The possibility of romance is 67 percent. Then again, I said romance not sex, so don't get your hopes up.

Birthdays: My friend Nury - Happy Birthday sweetie! 19XX, Richard Jordan Gatling, inventor of the Gatling gun 1818, Mary Ann Dyer Goodnight, philanthropist 1839, Henry Louis Mencken, editor, author and critic 1880, Maurice Chevalier, singer and film actor 1888, Ben Shahn, painter 1898, Jesse Owens, track star 1913.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Diane and Mike were going through a messy divorce when Mike died suddenly one day. Dianne was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.

Dianne asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word." Dianne then said, "I want the obituary to read, "Mike Is Dead".

The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket." Diane's face lit up and she replied, "Great! I want it to read, "Mike Is Dead - Boat For Sale."

An older woman was shopping at the local supermarket. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she indeed had never found Mr. Right.

She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."



Royal Castle - Hialeah, Florida - Early '60s. A big part of my life - Three hamburgers and a birch beer - 50 cents. More on this in a future post.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny and Billy were engaging in the time-honored tradition of a verbal battle like little boys all over the world. Billy said, "My Father is better than your Father!" Johnny declared, "No, he's not!"

Johnny then responded. "My brother is better than your brother!" Billy said, "He is not! He is not!" Billy said, "My Mother is better than your Mother!"

A long pause ensued, then Little Johnny said, "Well, I guess 'ya got me there. I've heard my Father say the same thing more than once."

 A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will make them go blind."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little sugar beets. Remember, in an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !