Dinner Table Stories From My Youth

A flashback to the days of my youth and our family dinner table left me amused today. There weren't any menu options. You ate what was served, the portion was decided by Dad and only those who have heard the phrase "clean your plate" will understand.

For the uninformed, "clean your plate" meant you had to eat everything you were served whether you liked it or not. If you asked for more, you'd get more, but under the same terms and conditions.

Brother Kirt liked everything, He was the Mikey of the family. Sister Jean and I were more picky. If you did not clean your plate, you sat at the table until you finished it. I spent many a night sitting alone at the dinner table. Sometimes I felt my father was a communist dictator.

My parents always cooked dinner. We never ate fast food, because the only place in town was Royal Castle. Dinner began after "saying the blessing". On good days (my definition), we'd have fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and corn. My nemesis was the dreaded liver which, as part of a communist plot, was almost always served with asparagus. I still have nightmares about it.

Brother Kirt and Beannie

My salvation was my dog Beannie, who, as a pup, was trained to catch things in mid-air. He learned the trick because we tossed him food.

On liver and asparagus days, I'd toss Beannie a piece of liver on the sly. My next trick was to then toss him a piece of asparagus which he caught and swallowed before he figured out that it tasted like shit.

I'd have to coax Beannie on the next toss, allowing him to smell the liver before I tossed it. Subsequently, the next toss was asparagus.

We were a poor, working class family. I never really knew we were poor until later in life because my childhood was good. Our dinnerware consisted of mismatched melmac plates and the glasses were an assortment of decorative jelly glasses (remember them?).

Probably the worst place to get the giggles was at the supper table, but it happened almost nightly. The funniest thing to do was to drop food into somebody's milk glass when they weren't looking.

The other two siblings would wait until that person was almost finished drinking their milk and saw the food in their glass. Inevitably someone would laugh out loud, often causing another to have milk come out of their nose (usually Sister Jean).The merriment and laughter quickly ended when Mom or especially Dad looked glaringly to we three at the table.

It was the best of times.....

The News As I See It: California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

Musician Kid Rock came under fire for posting a photo of himself holding a cougar that he had just killed. People were outraged until they realized the cougar was one of the "Real Housewives of Orange County."

New Kids on the Block announced they are going back on tour in May. Wait.....the New Kids are touring, gas is at two bucks a gallon, and we may have another round of Bush vs. Clinton for president? If I get home and find a stack of free AOL CDs in the mail, then I'm pretty sure I just traveled through time.

The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place.

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Even crazier, every one of them was re-elected this November.

Carl's Jr, the burger chain, is causing some controversy with its ad for an all-natural burger that features a woman walking naked through a farmers market. Apparently Carl's Jr. customers were offended by the sight of a farmers market.

This Date In History: 1556; The deadliest earthquake on record killed 830,000 in Shansi, China. 1789; Georgetown University established in what is now Washington, DC. 1849; Elizabeth Blackwell became the first woman physician in the U.S.

1964; The 24th Amendment to the Constitution, barring poll taxes, was ratified. 1968; North Korea seized the U.S. Navy ship Pueblo (the crew was released 11 months later.) 1973; President Nixon announced that an accord had been reached to end the Vietnam War.

1989; Salvador Dali died in Spain at age 84. 2002; Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped by the National Movement for the Restoration of Pakistani Sovereignty. 2004; Bob Keeshan, "Captain Kangaroo," died at age 76.

Picture Of The Day: (L-R) myself, Dad, Jonathon ("Little Joe") and Brother Kirt. On a side note, The picture in the background was painted by me.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I just received an email listing five ways to prevent divorce. "Don't get married" wasn't on there. Neither was "murder." Stupid list. 2) Sorry I misunderstood BYOB. What should I do with this buffalo?  3) The easiest way to piss off a vegan is to refer to their choice of diet as an "eating disorder". 4) My girlfriend takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I'm rocking the swimming trunks I bought at K-Mart in 1999. 5) If Obama were a Greek philosopher, his name would be Mediocrites.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - January 23rd: Deja vu is not a Thai dish that you had two weeks ago. Changing your love life can be done with pies, tarts and unleavened bread. However, I find that it's easier to forget eating that crap and go out and find love in the bars that you usually frequent.

Birthdays: Edouard Manet, French painter 1832, Sergei Eisenstein, filmmaker 1898, Django Reinhardt, jazz musician 1910, Potter Stewart, Associate Justice 1915, Gertrude B. Elion, pharmacologist 1918, Ernie Kovacs, actor, comedian 1919, Jeanne Moreau, actress 1928, Derek Walcott, dramatist and poet 1930, Princess Caroline of Monaco, royalty 1957, Tiffani Thiessen, actress 1974.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama circa 1954-55 with my cousins

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. His wife asks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband says, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." His wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." So they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. The husband asks, "What do you think you're doing?" His wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love." Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser....at half the price."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Grandfather Sullivan, Dad, cousins Buddy and Aileen, Brother Kirt and Sister Jean 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are no Muslims."

The ambassador continued, "My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on 'Star Trek'."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future....."

A guy was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters'."

The father continued, "Then she said, 'Sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any one that wants it'."

His friend said, "Holy Cow, she actually said that?" The father said, "Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she walked in with a black tattooed boy and said, 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohamed. We're going to work together with Obama to elect Hillary Clinton in 2016'."

That's it for today, my little egg rolls. Remember, it's impossible to have an "ok" time on a trampoline. It's either the most fun you've ever had or you go to the hospital. Time to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !