Encore

I'll be honest with you, today's stories have been re-gifted. Remember when I told you Brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera that goes "Crick" when he takes a picture? Truth be told he found the camera at Benihana's Japanese restaurant.

Brother Kirt has always been interested in Asia. I'm told that one in five people in the world are Chinese. Besides me, there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mom or my Dad, or maybe my Sister Jean, or maybe my younger brother Ho-Chow-Ling, but I'm pretty sure it's Brother Kirt.

Hey Obama, this win is for you

The News As I See It: The prime minister of Ireland celebrated St. Patrick's Day at the White House. At least the Secret Service agents had a drinking buddy.

Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office.

Officials in Indiana have discovered a working meth lab inside a Walmart. They became suspicious when they noticed a Walmart employee making a decent living.

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, "That's my boy."

After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared this week in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means — a boob job. And we're going to find out quick because that guy doesn't wear a shirt a lot.

During his weekly address to the nation, Obama discussed higher education and said, “The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.” Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, “No it's not."

A grandmother in South Africa celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It's pretty impressive — most people turning 100 usually go the other direction in the sky.

The L.A. Marathon was run last Sunday. It's the only time of year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles and it's not the end of a car chase.

This Date In History: 1584; Russian czar Ivan IV, or Ivan “The Terrible,” died at age 53. 1766; After months of American protests, Britain repealed the Stamp Act. 1925; The most violent single tornado in U.S. history, the “Tri-State Tornado,” hit Missouri, Indiana, and Illinois, killing 689 people and injuring 13,000 others.

1963; The Supreme Court held in Gideon v. Wainwright that public defenders must be provided for indigent defendants in felony cases. 1965; Soviet cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov made the first spacewalk. 1967; The oil tanker Torrey Canyon was wrecked off the Cornish coast of England, spilling 919,000 barrels of oil into the sea.

1990; The biggest art theft in U.S. history occurs at the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston. The works, including pieces by Vermeer and Rembrandt, were never recovered. 2004; A small asteroid made the closest approach to Earth ever recorded, only about 26,500 miles away.

Picture Of The Day: The good thing about regifting or even retelling old stories is that good intentions and humor are an under-rated part of life.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you look in the mirror and say "pumpkin spice latte" three times, a suburban college girl from Starbucks, majoring in the arts, will appear and tell you everything she loves about the fall. 2) (Girlfriend): "Can you fix this? The hole is too big for the thing-a-ma-jig" (Me): "Hey, I know how that feels! Ha ha ha!" ** And then I regained consciousness ** 3) Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, "Why does nobody reply to my emails?" 4) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 5) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 18th: Romance is definitely in the air this month, although you may find it clouded by other emotions or possibly, smells. You will finally understand why birds suddenly appear every time your lady friend walks near. I'm talking sardines here, people.....!

Birthdays: Grover Cleveland, 22nd and 24th President of the United States 1837, Rudolf Diesel, engineer and inventor 1858, Neville Chamberlain statesman 1869, George Plimpton, writer, editor, actor 1927, John Updike, writer 1932, F.W. de Klerk, political leader 1936, Bonnie Blair, speed skater 1964, Queen Latifah, rap musician, actress 1970.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

His new bride asked lovingly, "What is it?" He said, "I'm a golf fanatic. I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

Her husband said, "No problem. Just widen your stance a little, overlap your grip and that should clear it right up."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?"

Where was Putin?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a leak, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out."

The 75-year-old said, "Heck, that's nothing. Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a crap, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The 80-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse and at 8:30 I crap like there's no tomorrow."

One of the younger man said, "That's great, then you have no problems." The 80-year-old replied, "Yes, I do! The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is.

The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner.

While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

That's it for today, my little Cracker Jacks. Remember, few people have the balls to admit when they're wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

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