Eye Can Give You The Time Within An Hour More Or Less

I hate Daylight Savings Time. Not because of an hour more or less, but for resetting the stupid clocks. Monday, I got in my car to adjust the clock. I checked my cell phone for the time and both clocks were in sync. Apparently, I didn't adjust it last time.

It usually takes me 15 minutes to set the car clock because I never remember how to do it and when I finally remember the procedure, I usually adjust it while I'm driving. Imagine, if you will, an older, half blind, man weaving all over the road as he resets his clock. Not a pretty picture.

I still haven't adjusted all the clocks in my house because, although every one reminds me, I still forget. I'll need another two to four weeks to find all my clocks and reset them. One of the clocks I just turn face down until fall.

The same goes for the stupid microwave. We can send a satellite to Mars, yet we cannot make a microwave that automatically adjusts its clock twice a year. I never remember this procedure either and I have no idea where I put the instructions.

So, I push a few buttons and the stupid thing just sits there and blinks at me while I try to figure out what I did wrong and how to fix it. It's kind of the same thing that my cat, Samantha, does as she patiently waits to be fed.

For those who don't know, Daylight Saving Time is the practice of advancing clocks during summer months by one hour so that light extends into the evening hours—sacrificing normal sunrise times.

Typically, users of DST adjust clocks forward one hour near the start of spring and adjust them backward in the autumn to "normal" or regular time.

In reality, DST is just another way to harass the hard of understanding, especially older, half-blind white males.....

When asked for the correct time, I always ask, "Springtime or Falltime? "

The News As I See It: The new Apple Watch is out. I'm on the waiting list to get the new Apple Hearing Aid. The Apple Watch gets email and sends texts. It also has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers and a compass. I'm told it will do your taxes, as well and drive you home when you've over-imbibed. 

Hillary Clinton could use one of these new Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary @ pantsuit.com.

Osama bin Laden's birthday would have been yesterday. Ah, nostalgia......I remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

There's a new study that says giving your child too much praise can harm them later. They become more narcissistic. Narcissism is a condition of excessive self-interest that affects approximately one out of every one Kardashian.

This Date In History: 1861; The Confederate States of America adopted its constitution. 1888; A torrential rainstorm hit the East Coast. The rain turned to snow the next day and it became the Blizzard of 1888, the most famous snowstorm in American history. It caused more than 400 deaths.

1930; William Howard Taft became the first U.S. president to be buried in the National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia. 1941; President Roosevelt signs the Lend-Lease Bill. 1942; General Douglas MacArthur leaves the Philippines saying, "I shall return."

1985; Mikhail Gorbachev became head of the Soviet Union following the death of Konstantin Chernenko. At 54, he was the youngest member of the ruling Politburo. 1990; A newly elected parliament in Lithuania declared its independence from the Soviet Union.

1990; Augusto Pinochet of Chile, dictator since 1973, steps down. 1993; Janet Reno won unanimous Senate confirmation to be the first female U.S. Attorney General. 2004; Over 200 people were killed and over 1,400 were injured when bombs exploded in Madrid train stations. Al-Qaeda took responsibility for the attacks.

2011; Japan is hit by an enormous earthquake that triggers a deadly 23-foot tsunami in the country's north, about 230 miles northeast of Tokyo. Cooling systems in one of the reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station fail shortly after the earthquake, causing a nuclear crisis.

Picture Of The Day: Some clocks are harder to reset than others.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sex Education should require people to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours and watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.  2) Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

3) I just took a flyer out of my mailbox, Informing me that I can have sex at 79. I'm happy, because I live at number 71. It's a short walk, on the same side of the street and I don't even have to cross the road going home. 4) It's called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

5) I met a girl at the bar last night and after an hour or two, I decided that we may have something in common. She asked me if I would like to go to Ikea. I am now more keenly aware of the difference between "one-night stand" and "one nightstand".....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 11th: Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies. All these will soon be a distant memory this week as you will receive a call to arms. Unfortunately, those arms belong to someone else, which could cause you physical pain if you accept the beckoning, luring embrace. Don't even think about those beautiful puppies.

Birthdays: Sir Malcolm Campbell, automobile and speedboat racer 1885, Vannevar Bush, engineer 1890, Harold Wilson, statesman 1916, Ralph Abernathy, civil rights leader 1926, Rupert Murdoch, publisher 1931, Antonin Scalia, Supreme Court Justice 1936.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

Halfway through the lecture, he began, "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. The professor said with a broad smile, "Young ladies, the next plane doesn't leave 'till tomorrow afternoon."

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious that he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I got a flat tahr." The passerby asked, "But what’s with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flahrs in the front and flahrs in the back. I never did understand it neither."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my friend Linda for her contribution to today's stories.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road, the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket." The teacher said, "Very good, Joe."

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched." The teacher, very pleased with the response so far said, "That's good too, Mary."

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story. He said, "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." The teacher, intrigued, said "Go on."

Barney continued, "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself, then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

The teacher exclaimed, "Good heavens, what did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" Little Barney replied, "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear and said, ''Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!''

The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, ''Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!'' This time, he figured he'd better look into it.

A few passengers had remained on the bus and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

The driver asked, ''Excuse me sir, could I help you?'' The elderly man looked up and said, ''Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle and mine is parted on the side!"

That's it for today, my little twinkies. Remember, single people always champion being single until they meet someone special. Then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !