My Gal Mona

Today, I thought I'd give you some insight on Mona Lisa; her likes and dislikes, how often she posts on Facebook and the way she really dresses when not sitting for Leonardo (no, not DiCaprio).

Okay, maybe not, but I have found some pictures that, for me, makes her more identifiable as a young woman. Meanwhile, here are the pertinent facts about the very well known young woman.

The Mona Lisa (Monna Lisa or La Gioconda in Italian; La Joconde in French) is a half-length portrait of a woman by the Italian artist Leonardo da Vinci, which has been acclaimed as "the best known, the most visited, the most written about, the most sung about, the most parodied work of art in the world".

The painting, thought to be a portrait of Lisa Gherardini, the wife of Francesco del Giocondo, is in oil on a white Lombardy poplar panel, and is believed to have been painted between 1503 and 1506, although Leonardo may have continued working on it as late as 1517.

It was acquired by King Francis I of France and is now the property of the French Republic, on permanent display at the Louvre Museum in Paris since 1797.

The ambiguity of the subject's expression, which is frequently described as enigmatic, the monumentality of the composition, the subtle modeling of forms and the atmospheric illusionism were novel qualities that have contributed to the continuing fascination and study of the work.

It's said that an attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client. It's reasonable to add that the attorney who does his own television commercials is usually an idiot and a cheap one at that.

The News As I See It: The White House confirmed that Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Joe Biden said,"I didn't even know they were dating."

Yep, the Pope Francis will be at the White House in September. He'll have to listen to Obie's confessions for about an hour or so and then spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents.

This Date In History: 1842; Anesthesia was used for the first time in an operation. 1856; The Treaty of Paris was signed, ending the Crimean War. 1867; A treaty for the purchase of Alaska from Russia for the sum of $7.2 million, approximately two cents an acre, was submitted to the U.S. Senate.

1870; The 15th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect, guaranteeing the right to vote regardless of race. 1964; The game show Jeopardy debuted on television.

1981; President Ronald Reagan was shot in the chest by John Hinckley as he left a Washington hotel. 2002; The Queen Mother Elizabeth of England died at the age of 101.

Picture Of The Day: The Mona Lisa by Leonardo da Vinci

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream. 2) I sleep better naked. Why doesn’t the flight attendant understand this? 3) I get out of awkward party conversations by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 4) If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the Taser wrong. 5) I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - March 30th: Be grateful that you have a good network of friends and family. Even if you lose a few friends, you still have your family....except maybe Uncle Frank.

Birthdays: Maimonides, Jewish scholar 1135, Francisco Goya, artist 1746, Anna Sewell, author of Black Beauty 1820, Paul Verlaine, poet 1844, Vincent Van Gogh, post impressionist painter 1853, Sean O'Casey, dramatist 1884, Warren Beatty, director, actor, producer 1937, Celine Dion, singer 1968.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his legacy and mortality, goes to consult a well-known psychic about the date of his demise.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday." Obama asks nervously, "Which one?"

The psychic replied, "It doesn't matter. Whenever you die, it will become a Jewish holiday."

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?"

She continued, "Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde interrupts, yelling, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

Leonardo da Vinci

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pals Bobby, Butch and Wally for their contribution to today's stories.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Indians. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!"

They put oil on his back, and a large Indian whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back and he can hardly move. The Indians haul the German away.

The chief says to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

The Indians ask the American, "What will you take on your back?" The American replies, "I'll take the Mexican."

Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.

Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

The coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern answered, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The coroner said, "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The coroner said, "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

** It came to my attention when I had been drinking one night last weekend that I would really appreciate a light switch on the floor ** 

That's it for today, my little penguins. Remember, some people are like 5-year-olds. They shake heads in agreement, but you know by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.

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More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !