Trump, Hillary, Bernie And His VP Pick: The FBI

The race has narrowed to Republican Donald Trump, Democrat Hillary Clinton and then there's Bernie, who continues to hang on, hoping Hillary will be indicted. Bernie was last seen wandering in the barnyard talking to chickens.

Ted Cruz quit after being soundly thumped by Trump in Indiana and Bernie Kaisich quit when his aides explained to him that he was running fourth in a three candidate race.

Personally, aside from hoping Hillary goes to prison, I think Bernie is hanging on because when they go to the California primary, his wife told him she would take him to Disneyland.

When things finally shake out, it will be Trump against Hillary, both of whom, have high negative ratings. No matter who wins, the one good thing about 2017 is that America will be rid of Obama.

The News As I See It: May is finally here! Yep, it’s that special time of the year when the Earth puts the weather on "Random Shuffle."

A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can go to the suicide bombing today."

The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

A 100-year-old-woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.

This Date In History: 1626; Peter Minuit landed in Manhattan, which he later bought for $24 worth of cloth and brass buttons. 1886; The Haymarket Square riot broke out as a result of a labor demonstration. 1932; Public Enemy Number One, Al Capone, was jailed for tax evasion.

1959; The first Grammy Awards were held. 1961 Civil rights activists, called "freedom riders," left Washington, DC for New Orleans. 1970; Four Kent State University students were shot down by National Guard members during an anti-Vietnam War demonstration.

1998; The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was sentenced to four life terms plus 30 years for his series of bombings that killed three and injured 23.

Picture Of The Day: The weekends at Bernie's have been fun.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down. 2) I told my girlfriend that she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses. 3) My brother Kirt bought a Japanese camera. When he takes a picture, the camera goes "Crick". 4) Miami Police have found a head, hands and a foot in the river. There are no theories yet, but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out. 5) My ex-mother-in-law wears a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on her.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 4th: A guiding light is coming closer and soon you will see exactly what the future holds for you. The light is a little bright though, so you might want to shield your eyes from the glare. I'm pretty sure it's a guiding light. I've discussed it with a few other astrologers and it's either a guiding light or a train.

Birthdays: Horace Mann, educator 1796, Thomas Henry Huxley, biologist 1825, Frederick Church, artist 1826, Hosni Mubarak, president of Egypt 1928, Audrey Hepburn, actress 1929.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One morning, a woman and her baby were taking a bus. As she entered the bus, the driver says, "Wow! That is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asks, "What's wrong? You look angry?" She replied "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." The man said, "You shouldn't take that from him. He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him.

The woman replied, "You're right sir. I think I will report him." The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number. and I'll hold your monkey for you.

A man picked up his lovely date at her parent's home. He had saved enough money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered shrimp cocktail, foie gras, lobster and Dom Perignon champagne, the most expensive items on the menu.

He asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" She replied, "No, but my mother's not expecting sex tonight." He asked, "What would you like for dessert?"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old cowboy sat down at a Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women." The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence, it is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." The woman said, "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!"

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" The woman replied, "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

The farmer said, "What a coincidence. I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

The woman said, "This is awesome! What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" The farmer said, "I used a different rooster." The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."

That's it for today, my cute little ferrets. Remember, Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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"Bearly" Believable

As a teenager, I would go into the woods and drink beer, because there was less chance of getting caught. But I ran into a bear. So, there I was, raising my right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires and promising not to reveal where he defecates.

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. That's a better system and I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"

As a fisherman and outdoorsman, I have had other encounters with bears. The Florida Department of Fish and Game advises fishermen and hikers, hunters, and fishermen to keep alert for bears while in the woods and near streams.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

In another incident, I was in a bar one night and a bear walked in and said, "I want a large rum and ................ a coke. The bartender asked, "What's with the huge pause?" The bear replied, "Oh, them. I've had them all my life."

(Jimmy's Journal cannot attest to the veracity of today's stories.)
 

The News As I See It: In San Diego, near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a drug tunnel that is 800 yards long. Imagine running a touchdown the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance.

Donald Trump said something un-Trumpy this morning. He was on “The Today Show” and Matt Lauer asked him about the transgender law and whether Caitlyn Jenner would be welcome to use the bathroom at Trump Tower. Trump said she should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants.

Ted Cruz believes that transgender people should hold it in.

Why is this even a thing? Why does this have to be legislated? I mean, really, how many transgendered people can there even be in North Carolina? Five, maybe? Eight tops.

Queen Elizabeth celebrated her birthday this week. She turned 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.

This Date In History: 1500; Pedro Alvares Cabral discovered Brazil and claimed it for Portugal. 1509; Henry VIII became king of England. 1616; The Spanish poet Cervantes died in Madrid. (Some sources say April 23.) 1864; Congress authorized the inscription "In God We Trust" on coins minted as U.S. currency.

1889; The land rush in Oklahoma began when it was opened to settlers. 1970; The first Earth Day was observed. 1994; Richard M. Nixon died of a stroke at the age of 81. 2000; Armed immigration agents took Elian Gonzalez from the Miami home of his relatives to reunite him with his father.

Picture Of The Day: Kohler, the renown bathroom fixture manufacturer, has come out with their 2016 toilet for women with large derierres. It's called the "Kim Kardashian". 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriend's hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins. 2) My name is Jimmy but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue. 3) Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage. 4) Veni, vidi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.  5) Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 22nd: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.

Birthdays: Isabella I, Spanish queen of Castile and León (1474–1504) 1451, Henry Fielding, author 1707, Immanuel Kant, philosopher 1724, Vladimir Lenin, Russian revolutionary 1870, Vladimir Nabokov, author 1899, J. Robert Oppenheimer, nuclear physicist 1904, Charles Mingus, jazz musician 1922, Bettie Page, model, pinup 1923, Jack Nicholson, actor 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An old man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

The old man responds, "I'm 90 years old." The woman says, "90 years old? Don't you realize you've had it?" The old man says, "Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasms'."

Ethel continued, "You know, mutual orgasms here and mutual orgasms there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasms?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Trump and Sanders sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Trump says, "We're planning World War III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Trump turns to Sanders and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."

A preacher was giving his usual Sunday sermon when a young woman in the balcony, taken up by the moment, slipped and fell over the rail. Fortunately, she managed to grasp the railing with one hand and dangerously dangled there. Unfortunately, the mini skirt she was wearing rode up to her waist, entirely exposing the front of her young body.

The preacher, heavily involved in the final throes of his sermon, saw the young woman with everything exposed, dangling by one hand. He was concerned and worried that the spectacle not only might effect his sermon, but also the money that the church would make when they passed the collection plates.

The preacher quickly motioned to his deacon to go up and rescue the girl and nervously hurried to finish his sermon and start the collections. He saw that some of the males in the congregation had noticed the commotion and were feasting their eyes on the spectacle.

Fearful that this would ruin everything, he exclaimed, "We have a minor emergency which shall be rectified shortly. Sister Jones has slipped from the balcony and his hanging there by one hand. Her private parts are exposed and if any member of the congregation turns around to look at poor sister Jones, The lord will blind them."

An old man in the front pew of the church stood up, put his hand over his left eye and exclaimed, "I'm gonna take a chance on one eye!"

That's it for today, my little kiddie kats. Remember, nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

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IRS: The Customer Is Always Ripe

46% of Americans pay no taxes. With "Crooked Hillary" and the drooling, senile old socialist screaming for more taxes on the wealthy, I look forward to when the government institutes a national tax plan where taxes are based on purchases.

If you think you've heard screaming and moaning about more taxes on the wealthy and higher minimum wages, wait until the free riding, Obama phone using, complainers find that everything they purchase will cost them more.

Granted, the misuse of government income by politicians only acerbate the nation's tax problems, but the wealthy currently pay 70% of the nations taxes.

At a certain point in time, businesses paying 90% income tax will move to a more tax friendly location. You see this in states like Michigan and New York state, where the tax rate got so bad, businesses simply moved out. Nowadays, both states have extensive advertising (and tax breaks) to lure new businesses back to their respective states.

But it's too little, too late. Heavy taxes and high crime rates are contributing to the eventual demise of Detroit and other Michigan cities. Chicago's high crime rate and exorbitant taxes are following the same path.

The answer to the tax woes of the nation are complicated, but I can assure you that when the non-taxpaying citizens surpass 50 % of the population, something has to give.....

The News As I See It: Today is Tax Day, that one day out of the year that even Democrats turn into Republicans.

Cicadas are coming back in May. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate, just like any couple with a Netflix account.

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.

1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (“the House that Ruth built”). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4–1. 1956 Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.

1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile. 2012; American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.

Picture Of The Day: Thought for today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner, a Hillary Clinton voter and recently quit smoking, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 2) One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 3) If my computer crashed, I wonder if all the other computers would slow down so they can see what's happening.

4) My friend asked his wife if they could get a young nanny. Of course, she got mad and said "No!". When he asked her why, she said, "For one thing, we don't have any kids." 5) It's sad to see how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.

Birthdays: Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murphy the Irishman walks into a pastry shop. A black guy in front of him was waiting on his order. In a flash, the black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.

The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!" Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you."

Paddy says to the baker, "Give a cookie. I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give one more cookie....." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one, as well.

The baker is really mad now and he yells, “O.K! where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

A businessman in 1st Class says to a gorgeous air hostess, "What’s your name?" The hostess replies, "Angela Benz, Sir!" The businessman says, "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?" The hostess, "Yes sir, very close." The businessman asks, "How close?" The hostess replies, "Same price!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?" 'The father said, "It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"

The son then asked, "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?" The father replied, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"

The boy continued, "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?" The father answered, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"

The boy said to his father, "Tell me, father. Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"

The man says, "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner, who asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man replies, "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

That's it for today, my cute little aardvarks. Remember, if really good-looking people are "eye candy", I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

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More on Wednesday.

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