IRS: The Customer Is Always Ripe

46% of Americans pay no taxes. With "Crooked Hillary" and the drooling, senile old socialist screaming for more taxes on the wealthy, I look forward to when the government institutes a national tax plan where taxes are based on purchases.

If you think you've heard screaming and moaning about more taxes on the wealthy and higher minimum wages, wait until the free riding, Obama phone using, complainers find that everything they purchase will cost them more.

Granted, the misuse of government income by politicians only acerbate the nation's tax problems, but the wealthy currently pay 70% of the nations taxes.

At a certain point in time, businesses paying 90% income tax will move to a more tax friendly location. You see this in states like Michigan and New York state, where the tax rate got so bad, businesses simply moved out. Nowadays, both states have extensive advertising (and tax breaks) to lure new businesses back to their respective states.

But it's too little, too late. Heavy taxes and high crime rates are contributing to the eventual demise of Detroit and other Michigan cities. Chicago's high crime rate and exorbitant taxes are following the same path.

The answer to the tax woes of the nation are complicated, but I can assure you that when the non-taxpaying citizens surpass 50 % of the population, something has to give.....

The News As I See It: Today is Tax Day, that one day out of the year that even Democrats turn into Republicans.

Cicadas are coming back in May. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate, just like any couple with a Netflix account.

This Date In History: 1775; Paul Revere rode from Charlestown to Lexington to warn Massachusetts colonists of the arrival of British troops during the American Revolution. 1906; The Great San Francisco Earthquake destroyed over 4 sq mi. and killed over 500 people.

1923; The first game was played in Yankee Stadium (“the House that Ruth built”). Yankees beat the Boston Red Sox 4–1. 1956 Grace Kelly married Prince Rainier of Monaco. 1968; London Bridge was sold to an American. It was rebuilt in Arizona.

1978; The U.S. Senate voted to hand over the Panama Canal to Panamanian control on Dec. 31, 1999. 2002; Afghanistan’s former king, Mohammad Zahir Shah, returned after 29 years in exile. 2012; American Bandstand and New Year's Rockin' Eve host Dick Clark died of heart failure.

Picture Of The Day: Thought for today.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If you're an atheist vegan, a runner, a Hillary Clinton voter and recently quit smoking, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first? 2) One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together. 3) If my computer crashed, I wonder if all the other computers would slow down so they can see what's happening.

4) My friend asked his wife if they could get a young nanny. Of course, she got mad and said "No!". When he asked her why, she said, "For one thing, we don't have any kids." 5) It's sad to see how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning seven tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 18th: Temptation is everywhere, especially if you're willing to look for it.

Birthdays: Lucrezia Borgia, noblewoman 1480, Carlos Manuel de Cespedes, revolutionist 1819, Clarence Darrow, American lawyer 1857, Max Weber, painter 1881, Leopold Stokowski, conductor 1882, Conan O'Brien, talk-show host 1963.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murphy the Irishman walks into a pastry shop. A black guy in front of him was waiting on his order. In a flash, the black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.

The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!" Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch this, any Paddy is smarter than you and I'll prove it to you."

Paddy says to the baker, "Give a cookie. I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker, "Give another cookie for my magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Give one more cookie....." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one, as well.

The baker is really mad now and he yells, “O.K! where is your famous magic trick?" Murphy says, "Look in the black guy's pocket!"

A businessman in 1st Class says to a gorgeous air hostess, "What’s your name?" The hostess replies, "Angela Benz, Sir!" The businessman says, "Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?" The hostess, "Yes sir, very close." The businessman asks, "How close?" The hostess replies, "Same price!"

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?" 'The father said, "It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"

The son then asked, "And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?" The father replied, "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"

The boy continued, "And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?" The father answered, "These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"

The boy said to his father, "Tell me, father. Why are we living in New Jersey and still wearing all this shit?"

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. The homeowner asks, "What are you going to do?"

The man says, "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner, who asks, "What's the shotgun for?" The man replies, "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

That's it for today, my cute little aardvarks. Remember, if really good-looking people are "eye candy", I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

I Owe How Much??

Today is Tax Day, a day which I have always despised. Since I own my business, I have always owed money at tax time. One particular year in the '80s, my CPA told me I owed $45k. I had a grand total of about $1k in the bank. Houston: We have a problem!

I asked my accountant to look for (or create) other deductions and he got the amount due down to $38,000. Keep in mind that $38k in 1980 is equivalent to about $120k in 2016. I knew this was going to be a problem but fortunately, I knew a lot of people in the right places so I came up with a plan.

I happened to know the owners of a prominent Miami bank and had done some real estate work for them in the past. I called the president of the bank and explained my dilemma. I asked for a $15k personal, non-secured loan. He told me to apply at my branch.

I submitted my application to the VP (who I knew well). She said she didn't believe it would be approved. I asked her to humor me and submit it anyway.

Two days later, the VP called me and said, "Jimmy, your loan has been approved. Come over and I'll have the check ready, By the way, you're the only man I know who can get a personal, unsecured loan at tax time."

Later that day, I deposited the check, filed my taxes along with my check for $15,000....."

The News As I See It: Bernie Sanders joined the Verizon workers picket line in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception. Bernie recently received his first senatorial endorsement from Oregon Senator Jeff Merkley or as he’ll be known under President Hillary Clinton, "Ambassador to North Korea Jeff Merkley.

Hillary and Bernie discussed important issues such as national security, the economy and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.

Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.

This Date In History: 1755; Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language. 1817; Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn. 1861; In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops.

1912; Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg. 1920; A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Massachusetts. Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime. 1945 Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.

1947; Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired. 1955; Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum.

1996; The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya. 1998; Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died. 2013; Two bombs exploded at the Boston Marathon in Boston, Massachusetts, killing 3 and injuring at least 170 others.

Picture Of The Day: The last day to file your taxes is Monday, April 18th. Remember to bring a barrel or raincoat to wear after you pay them.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) You know you're getting older when you notice the supermarket is starting to play some great songs. 2) The "Law of Probable Dispersal" states that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 3) Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the '80s throwing them at Mario. 4) I think that people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead" may have missed a science class or two. 5) There's nothing more disturbing than the first time you hear someone you know using their "whooo's a good dog" voice.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 15th: Although your faults are easy enough to see, you must really make an effort today to let people truly understand the depth of your problems.

Long walks, cold showers and playing with the puppies could be very helpful. Bear in mind I'm referring to puppies of the four legged variety. We wouldn't want another restraining order, would we?

Birthdays: Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer and scientist 1452, Henry James, novelist 1843, A. Philip Randolph, labor leader 1889, Bessie Smith, singer 1894, Evelyn Ashford, athlete 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. The Coroner asked, "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?" Vern said, "Yes, sir, that's correct."

The Coroner said, "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass." Vern asked, "Was it a Titleist 3?" The Coroner answered. "Yes, it was." Vern said, "That was my mulligan."

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, '"Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?" Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

On a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

The trooper asked, "What's the matter? asked the Trooper. The biker responded tersely, "Carburetor's frozen." The Trooper advised, "Pee on it. That'll thaw it out." The biker replied, "I can't."

The Trooper said, "OK, watch me closely and I'll show you, so the next time you can do it. The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, Jill....."

That's it for today, my little puddin' pops. Remember, if you are older than 15 and are madly in love with Justin Bieber, you are one the reasons that dolphins and whales are the most intelligent species. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.

Have a great weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

Tomorrow Is Tax Day

Tomorrow is Tax Day and those of you who happen to have money will have to send some of it to Uncle Sambo. The deadline is April 15th at 12 pm, so you still have time to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts and make fake deductions .

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Did you know there's actually a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government? I never check that box. The Obama's have already had enough vacations. 

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since Obamacare passed because they are going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS's ability to investigate Republicans and threaten people.

Obama has a task force to reviewing the tax codes. He is concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return, write your check, sign it and make it payable to China.....

The News As I See It: After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

This year's income tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: 1) How much did you make last year? 2) How much do you have left? 3) Send amount listed in part 2.

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, we do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

This Date In History: 1775; Benjamin Rush was among those who founded the first American antislavery society. 1828; Noah Webster copyrighted the first edition of his dictionary. 1860; The first pony express rider reached his destination of San Francisco. He left St. Joseph, Missouri, on April 3.

1865; Abraham Lincoln was assassinated by John Wilkes Booth. 1894; The first kinetoscope parlor opened in New York City. 1912; Titanic hit the iceberg that would sink her the next morning.

1969; In a record breaking night at the Academy Awards, a tie between Katherine Hepburn and Barbra Streisand resulted in the two sharing the the Best Actress Oscar and Hepburn broke the record as the only actress to win three Best Actress Oscars.

2002; Hugo Chávez returned as president of Venezuela after being forced out of office two days previously. 2003; Abu Abbas, the leader of the terrorist group Palestine Liberation Front when the group hijacked the liner Achille Lauro, was captured by U.S. forces in Iraq.

2010; An explosion in the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland results in a volcanic ash plume in the atmosphere over northern and central Europe. Air travel in the region is halted for several days.

Picture Of The Day: I don't know who came up with this idea, but I'd sure like to have one on my patio.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Her dad said he'd like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me. 2) I had myself waxed "down there". Now my socks slide on real easy.  3) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks. 4) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping. 5) Grandchildren can be so annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 14th: How does one prognosticate one's horoscope knowing full well that monies have to be sent to Uncle Sambo tomorrow? The stars say knuckle down and complete your tax returns. I say get in the car and mosey over to AREA 51 for happy hour. Things will work out.

Birthdays: Anne Sullivan Macy, American educator, friend and teacher of Helen Keller 1866, Arnold Joseph Toynbee historian 1889, John Gielgud actor 1904, Francois Duvalier dictator of Haiti 1907, Loretta Lynn singer 1935, Sarah Michelle Gellar actress 1977.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman went to the doctor for her annual check-up and as the doctor was finishing the exam, he asked, "You're in good health Mrs. Johnson. Do you have any additional questions?" Mr. Johnson replied, "Not for myself doctor, but I'm concerned about my husband."

The doctor said, "Oh? What seems to be the problem?" Mrs. Johnson said, "He seems to have acquired a taste for dog food and he eats it at least once a day." The doctors said, "Well, although that's a bit strange, the dog food shouldn't hurt him. Does he have any other problems?" Mrs' Johnson said, "No." The doctor advised, "Well, keep an eye on him and let me know if anything changes."

About a month later, the doctor ran into Mrs. Johnson at the grocery store and after exchanging pleasantries, he asked, "And, how is Mr. Johnson doing?" Mrs. Johnson replied, "He's in the hospital but I think he will be discharged this weekend."

Horrified, the doctor said, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I really didn't think that eating the dog food would hurt him." Mrs. Johnson replied, "No, it wasn't the dog food. He was sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a truck hit him"

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart. On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?" She responded, "The first man was Pete, my postman, but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

I'd adopt this little guy in a New York minute !

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to Brother Kirt for his contribution to today's stories.

A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man says, "Sure hold on a second."

The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

The Deli owner said, "Why don't you people leave me alone? I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

The agent said, "It's not your income that bothers us, it's the deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." The owner said smiling. "Oh, that, I forgot to tell you....we also deliver."

That's it for today, my little rose buds. Remember, Mark Twain once said, "The only difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Tax Day - Time To Cough It Up

Sharpen your pencils boys and girls, today's the day to pay Uncle Sambo. The deadline for taxes is April 15th at 12 midnight, so you still have a few hours to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.

Although nobody likes taxes, they've been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

We've bailed out Wall Street, the banks and car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?

And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve the state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole sequester thing could be paid for.

Finally, the main things you need to know about taxes are to remember to sign your tax return and when you write your check, sign it and make it out to China.....

The News As I See It: According to a new study, our views on immigration are changing. For example, when asked if they support a path to citizenship, 40 percent of the respondents said, "Si." Thousands of illegal immigrants rallied across the country last week, demanding a path to citizenship. Don't they understand that we already have a path to citizenship? It's called the San Diego Freeway.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig has announced the creation of a diversity task force. He said it’s time for baseball to begin letting in players who are not on steroids.

Obama might actually get his gun control bill passed. Politicians are all weighing in and Joe Biden has said that some people buy guns because owning one feels like driving a Ferrari. At which point, Obama was like, "Stop helping."

Iran is gearing up for a big presidential election in June. Yeah, this year it’s gonna be a tight race between Ahmadinejad and the guy they picked to lose to Ahmadinejad.

The Navy canceled Fleet Week due to the sequester budget cuts. Traditionally, every year, thousands of sailors dock in New York City and othe ports of call. If you want to see a bunch of people glad to be off a boat, you could just wait for a Carnival cruise to come in. I hope Obama and his Memphis "soul mates" enjoyed the lavish party they threw at the "white" house which evidently wasn't included in the budget cuts.

This Date In History: 1755; Samuel Johnson published his Dictionary of the English Language. 1817; Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet opened the first free American school for the deaf in Hartford, Conn.

1861; In response to the attack on Fort Sumter three days earlier, President Abraham Lincoln declared a state of insurrection and called out Union troops. 1912; Titanic sank off the coast of Newfoundland on its maiden voyage after it struck an iceberg.

1920; A paymaster and guard were murdered in Braintree, Massachusetts Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the crime. 1945; Nazi concentration camp Bergen-Belsen was liberated by Canadian and British forces.

1947; Jackie Robinson made his Brooklyn Dodger debut and scored the game-winning run. On April 15, 1997, his number, 42, was retired. 1955; Ray Kroc acquired McDonald's and opened his first restaurant in Des Plaines, Ill., today the official McDonald’s Corporate Museum.

1996; The 100th Boston Marathon was won by Moses Tanui of Kenya. 1998; Cambodian despot Pol Pot, leader of the Khmer Rouge, died.

Picture Of The Day: That's the fact, Jack !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) There is no child so bad that he or she can't be used as an income tax deduction. 2) One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets. 3) I went to the doctor because of water on the knee and he said, "You're not aiming straight." 4) Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain. 5) The difference between Congress and a federal prison is that one is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries -  April 15th: Temptation looms high over the agenda today as you suddenly notice that your colleague has rather a nice ass which appears to make you need to stare at it. You are disgusted with yourself today as yet again you miss an opportunity to resolve things between yourself and your lover. The latin phrase for what you're feeling right now is: "Non semper inquisit damascus arooo arooof." There's a little bit of dog language mixed in there, as well.

Birthdays: My pals John and Paula - Happy Birthday ! 19XX, Leonardo da Vinci, Italian painter, sculptor, architect, musician, engineer, and scientist 1452, Henry James, novelist 1843, A. Philip Randolph labor leader 1889, Bessie Smith singer 1894, Evelyn Ashford athlete 1957.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Murray and Sadie were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning and Murray said, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Sadie said, "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Murray said, "I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff."

Sadie looked at him and said, "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

An elderly man was headed home in his car one evening, swerving and weaving on the road, when he was stopped by a policeman who asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?"

The old man answered, "Well, I may have had a beer or two. Why do you ask?" The policeman said, "Sir, your wife fell out of the car about a mile back."

The old man replied, "Thank god, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?" The woman said, "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. He said, "I've never heard of that condition before. Are you taking anything for it?" The woman replied, "Pepper!"

Two old men, Murray and Hiram, are discussing the local gossip at the Shady Elm Retirement Home when eighty-year-old Sadie walks by. Sadie says. "Hiya Boys!"

The old men nod in acknowledgement and Hiram whispers to Murray, "That Sadie's a fox but she has a foul mouth. The other night she used the "F" word."

Murray said, "Sadie, that sweet old lady? When did she say the "F" word?" Hiram said, "Right after the old lady sitting next to her yelled, 'Bingo!'"

That's it for today, my little doodle bugs. Remember, chocolate is the answer ! Who cares what the question is !

That's it for now. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

It's Time To File Your Taxes

The deadline for filing your income tax has been until April 17, so, tonight is the night to finish making fake receipts. Remember to make your check payable to China. Taxes date to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense.

Yep, tomorrow ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C. and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.

Obama had a task force to review the tax codes. He was concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes.....and that's just in his administration.

I had considered not paying my taxes. I figured that when they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me and we'll call it even.

There are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve their state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? If all these new taxes are passed, the entire deficit could be resolved by next year.....

The News As I See It: April 15th was the 100th anniversary of the Titanic disaster. On its maiden voyage, it collided with an iceberg and sank into the ocean. But it still made it further than North Korea's rocket. In fact, the rocket fell apart faster than a Kardashian marriage. It exploded less than a minute after launching. Leader Kim Jong Un was so mad, he went home, kicked his dog and then ate it.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are officially engaged. I wonder if this means they're thinking of having kids?

Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama. In an interview, Obama said he prefers Jay-Z to Kanye. Did you know Obama was a fan of hip-hop? In fact, he has his own rap nickname, Biggie Deficit.

There's only one day left to frantically dig through your car for Burger King receipts that you can claim were business dinners later on. There's certainly nothing fun about paying taxes. But you have to remember that all the money goes to a good cause, like paying the salaries of GSA employees, paying meter maids who give parking tickets, keep welfare checks flowing to the Octomom....important things like that. To reduce the chance of being audited, I always send my return tucked into a freshly baked loaf of banana bread.

There is a new medical study that says men make better decisions about life when they're drinking beer. I've made some of my best choices after about six Coronas. Of course, there were times that I had to reconsider my decision the next morning.

The Obozo administration is trying to distance itself from remarks made by long-time Democratic adviser Hilary Rosen. She said that Mitt Romney's wife, Ann, a stay-at-home mother of five who has cancer, has never worked a day in her life. The ironic part is that because of Rosen's idiotic statement, she may never work another day in her life. Let me tell you something — if you're the mother of five boys, you never had a day off in your life, OK?

Even Joe O'Biden is furious about Rosen's statement. He said, "Making stupid comments that hurt the president is my job. She has no right."

Rick Santorum officially dropped out of the Republican race at Gettysberg, Pnnsylvania. Gettysburg was a great choice because he should've dropped out four score and seven years ago.

This Date In History: 1746; The Jacobite uprising in England ends when Charles "Bonnie Prince Charlie" Stuart is defeated by the Duke of Cumberland. 1912; Harriet Quimby became the first woman to fly across the English Channel. 1917; Lenin returned to Russia after 10 years in exile in Switzerland.

1947; Financier Bernard Baruch coined the term "cold war" in a speech in South Carolina. 1947; Most of Texas City, Tex., destroyed when French ship Grandcamp exploded. 1972; China sent President Nixon two giant pandas as a gift. 1999; Hockey great Wayne Gretzky announced his retirement.

2007; A male student, Cho Seung-Hui, killed two in a Virginia Tech dorm, then killed 30 more 2 hours later in a classroom building. His suicide brought the death toll to 33, making the shooting rampage the most deadly in U.S. history.

Picture Of The Day: My thanks to the many branches of our government and its employees for their continuing faux pas, providing a constant supply of pictoral fodder for Jimmy's Journal.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Whoever came up with the word "rhinoplasty" to describe a nose job was a bit cruel. 2) Men are all the same,  they just have different faces so women can tell them apart. 3) I was walking and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?" 4) You can tell a blonde is having a bad day when her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil! 5) The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aries - April 16th: Just because you haven't filed your tax return yet is no reason to become upset. Sit down this evening and calmly try to re-create the past year. On the other hand, the late fee is not really that much so go out and party. Chance of romance is 12.91 percent if you stay home and do your taxes and 68.66 percent if you go out. Your call.....

Birthdays: My sweet Laury and my karaoke pal Gipsy. Happy Birthday, ladies! 19XX, Wilbur Wright, inventor of the airplane 1867, John Millington Synge, dramatist 1871, Charlie Chaplin (Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin), English film actor, director, producer, writer, and composer 1889, Merce Cunningham, choreographer 1919, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, basketball player 1947, Selena Quintanilla Perez, singer 1971.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire week's wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me!"

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them."

God continued, "She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give "love" and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.....

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby.

So, dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He said, "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home." Little Johnny said, "I promise not to mention his ears."

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh What a beautiful little baby." The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet."

Little Johnny continued, "Just look at his pretty eyes. Did his doctor say that he can see well?" The mother said, "Why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision." Little Johnny said "Well, that's a great thing cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!"

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. The preacher asked, "This mower work, son?" Little Johnny said, "It sure does. You have to pull hard on the cord, though."

The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Incensed and thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house.

He said to Little Johnny, "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." Little Johnny said, "Well, you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. He said, "I have not cursed in twenty years!" Little Johnny said, "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher, it'll come back to you."

Little Johnny comes down for breakfast and since they live on a farm, his mother asks him if he has done his chores.Little Johnny replies, "Not yet." His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Pissed off, he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes off to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. Then he goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" he asks. His mother says "I saw you kick the chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk".

Just then his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he is walking into the kitchen. Little johnny looks up at his mother and with a smile says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?"

That's it for today, my little lima beans. Remember, money can't buy happiness but it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai. More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !