Yesterday, I made a one minute video of my overgrown kitten, Scooter, basically because he, my cell phone and I were all next to the computer. I can't upload it because I can't find the right cable and/or one of the cats stole it to play with.
I ordered a new one from Amazon for less than $4.00, but I wanted to find the original one. I searched for it everywhere, thereby causing my back and feet to hurt like hell.
After resting a bit, I decided to look behind the two couches, neither of which have been moved in more than a year. The result was a ton of dirt and cat hair, tops from every medicinal tube or Chapstick that you can imagine and various other objects that Samantha and Scooter found entertaining to play with.
One thing that I found was an unopened pack of cigarettes which blew my mind. That's because I happened to be out and needed to take a quick trip to the store.
My undesired trip resolved, I looked one more time in the hope that I might an unopened bottle of scotch and an old girlfriend or two, but, alas, my free gift exploration fell short.
So, I will either find the original cable or wait until the new one arrives and finish the new video of scooter. I'll keep you apprised.....
The News As I See It: Congratulations to Mick Jagger, who, at 73 years old, just became the father of a baby boy....his eighth child. They say the baby looks just like his dad, all wrinkly.
Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news and just after the nick of time.
This Date In History: 1941;
China declared war against Japan, Germany, and Italy.
1958;
The anti-Communist John Birch Society was formed.
1965;
"A Charlie Brown Christmas" premiered.
1990;
Lech Walesa was elected president of Poland.
1993;
U.S. astronauts completed repair work on the Hubble Space Telescope.
1996;
Archaeologist and anthropologist Mary Leakey died in Kenya at age 83.
Picture Of The Day: Scooter calculates his next move, ever wary on the cunning, more experienced, Samantha.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) So that you know, I put the "ate" in chocolate.
2) Turns out it wasn't vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka. 3) (Me): "I had salmon for lunch." (Her): "The 'L' is silent. (Me): "I know that. I had salmon for unch." 4) I posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news. 5) It's good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.....and that's Five !
Today's Horoscope: Sagittarius - December 9th: Romantic gestures will flourish forth today from the cup of love you hold in your heart. Destiny will help you discover that you are not intended to be alone. Do not fret or languish, for chastity is curable, if detected early.
Birthdays: Joel Chandler Harris humorist 1848, Jean de Brunhoff author and illustrator 1899, Margaret Hamilton actress 1902, Grace Hopper rear admiral, computer scientist 1906, Thomas P O'Neill political leader 1912, Kirk Douglas actor 1916, John Cassavetes actor and director 1929, Junior Wells musician 1934, Dame Judi Dench actress 1934, Tom Daschle, U.S. senator 1947, John Malkovich, actor 1953, Felicity Huffman, actor 1962, Crown Princess Masako, royalty 1963.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Two hunters in Louisiana are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An elderly man lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and he went to the parish priest and asked if he would say a mass for his poor departed pet.
The priest replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane."
The old man said, "I'll go right away, Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" The priest exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?"
That's it for today, my little pine cones. Remember, nothing says "I don't take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
More soon.
Stay Tuned !
Le Chat Noir (French for "The Black Cat") was a nineteenth-century entertainment establishment, in the bohemian Montmartre district of Paris. Appropriately, friends Luly, Paul, Sandra and myself own black cats and lean bohemian.
Together with artist extraordinaire Ileana and many other special friends, we are known to frequent the local nightlife with gusto.
Today's subject came from an inadvertent use of the title phrase in a friend's post, which prompted me to delve more deeply into the subject matter.
Le Chat Noir opened on 18 November 1881 at 84 Boulevard de Rochechouart by the impresario Rodolphe Salis, and closed in 1897 not long after Salis' death (much to the disappointment of Picasso and others who looked for it when they came to Paris for the Exposition in 1900).
Le Chat Noir is thought to be the first modern cabaret, a nightclub where the patrons sat at tables and drank alcoholic beverages while being entertained by a variety show on stage. The acts were introduced by a master of ceremonies who interacted with well-known patrons at the tables.
Perhaps best known now by its iconic Théophile Steinlen poster art, in its heyday it was a bustling nightclub that was part artist salon, part rowdy music hall. The cabaret published its own humorous journal Le Chat Noir until 1895.
The News As I See It: Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie last weekend and yesterday, Sharon Osbourne got inspired and posted a naked selfie. That explains why today, authorities shut down Barbara Walters' Internet service.
Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were making their products in the buff.
When they say "natural," they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware that a packet of dust was a technically a recipe.
Kraft claims you can't taste the difference and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxes of the new recipe without people noticing.
This Date In History: 1861;
The Confederate States of America adopted its constitution.
1888;
A torrential rainstorm hit the East Coast. The rain turned to snow the next day and it became the Blizzard of 1888, the most famous snowstorm in American history. It caused more than 400 deaths.
1930;
William Howard Taft became the first U.S. president to be buried in the National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia.
1941;
President Roosevelt signs the Lend-Lease Bill.
1942;
General Douglas MacArthur leaves the Philippines saying, "I shall return."
1985;
Mikhail Gorbachev became head of the Soviet Union following the death of Konstantin Chernenko. At 54, he was the youngest member of the ruling Politburo.
1990;
A newly elected parliament in Lithuania declared its independence from the Soviet Union.
1990;
Augusto Pinochet of Chile, dictator since 1973, steps down.
1993;
Janet Reno won unanimous Senate confirmation to be the first female U.S. Attorney General.
2004;
Over 200 people were killed and over 1,400 were injured when bombs exploded in Madrid train stations. Al-Qaeda took responsibility for the attacks.
2011;
Japan is hit by an enormous earthquake that triggers a deadly 23-foot tsunami in the country's north, about 230 miles northeast of Tokyo. Cooling systems in one of the reactors at the Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Station fail shortly after the earthquake, causing a nuclear crisis.
Picture Of The Day: There are some black cats, however, who would never fit in at Le Chat Noir.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If a state trooper asks, "You drinking?", the correct answer is not, "You buying?"
2) The best thing about telepathy is..... - I know, right? 3) My friend's mother-in-law is coming to stay with him for a week. He spent the day clearing out half of his closet so she would have a place to hang upside down and sleep. 4) I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. 5) Sixty percent of all pit bull attacks occur when tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Pisces - March 11th: Teepees are a saucy place to hide out and make love but it's really not the same ambiance and the room service is not as good. If you insist on gambling at the roulette table, play $5 on number 38.
Birthdays: Sir Malcolm Campbell, automobile and speedboat racer 1885, Vannevar Bush, engineer 1890, Harold Wilson, statesman 1916, Ralph Abernathy, civil rights leader 1926, Rupert Murdoch, publisher 1931, Antonin Scalia, Supreme Court Justice 1936.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: One day a teacher was teaching religion, when she asked the class, "What part of your body do you think goes up to heaven first?" Two children rose their hand. One was little Johnny.
Hesitant to pick on him she chose little Mary. Mary answered, "I think your heart goes first because, that's were your emotions of love are." The teacher said, "Very interesting. Mary."
Seeing no one else had their hand raised but Johnny, she finally called on him. Johnny said, "I think your feet go up first." Confused but relieved the teacher said, "Why is that?"
Johnny replied, "Once when I walked in my parents room, I saw my mom with her feet in the air saying, 'Oh God!' If Dad hadn't been on top of her holding her down, she'd be in heaven"
A man goes over to his brother's house, all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" The guy says, "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law,"
His brother asks, "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" The guy replied, "She wouldn't lie still....."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man was coming out of church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed the man by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The man said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service!"
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. He said, "You need to make sure this dog runs around. Try playing a game of fetch with him."
The blonde said, "I can't play fetch with my dog." The doctor said. "Why not?" She replied, "He can't throw."
That's it for today, my little petunias. Remember, there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
Follow Jimmy's Journal on Facebook by clicking the "Follow This Blog" button at the top right of the page.
Have a great weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !
Obama made an appearance on 60 Minutes to reassure everyone that he’s in charge during this fight against ISIS Islamist terror. When Steve Kroft asked Obama how ISIS went from the "jayvees" in January to a 40,000-man army sweeping across the Syrian-Iraqi desert in June, Obama explained that the buck stopped.....uh, at the office of James Clapper.
What? Is the prez the new "Teflon Don?" Obama shifted the blame for the ISIS surprise this spring to American intelligence? Obama: "Well I think, our head of the intelligence community, Jim Clapper, has acknowledged that I think they underestimated what had been taking place in Syria."
They? If that’s the case, why is Clapper still drawing a paycheck? After all, this is the same James Clapper that deliberately misled Congress about the NSA’s domestic data trawling, so it’s not as if he’s a universally credible figure anyway. Now we seemed to have missed the emergence of one of the biggest terror threats since the Taliban in Afghanistan took over after we helped push the Soviets out and Clapper still has a job.
If the buck-passing has any credence at all, Obama would have canned him in June.
Besides, as Kroft immediately points out, that’s actually not what Clapper said anyway. His testimony regarded the collapse of the Iraqi army, not the rise of ISIS.
The US military and intelligence communities warned that would happen if we took the zero option in Iraq, so in that sense no one underestimated the threat except Obama himself.
It didn’t take long for the intel community to react to Obama’s claims. Just hours after the 60 Minutes interview ran, Eli Lake’s sources provided the response at The Daily Beast. It seems "they" have a few things to say about the president who usually loves to say "I" and offered this blunt rebuttal:
Reached by The Daily Beast after Obama’s interview aired, one former senior Pentagon official who worked closely on the threat posed by Sunni jihadists in Syria and Iraq was flabbergasted. The former official said, "Either the president doesn’t read the intelligence he’s getting or he’s bullshitting."
In prepared testimony before the annual House and Senate intelligence committees’ threat hearings in January and February, Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, the recently departed director of the Defense Intelligence Agency, said the group would likely make a grab for land before the end of the year. ISIS "probably will attempt to take territory in Iraq and Syria to exhibit its strength in 2014."
Of course, the prediction wasn’t exactly hard to make. By then, Flynn noted, ISIS had taken the cities of Ramadi and Fallujah, and the demonstrated an "ability to concurrently maintain multiple safe havens in Syria."
It amuses me when
Obama says, "I killed bin Laden" and they underestimated what had been taking place in Syria. Ego? 'Ya think?
The News As I See It: Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that's not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.
It's already autumn. Can you feel the difference in the seasonal change? Today,Obama got off of his helicopter and saluted a Marine with a cup of hot cider.
Chris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce. If for any reason Bruce is ever arrested for any crime of any sort, being married to a Kardashian counts as time served. Bruce is putting on a brave face. His plastic surgeon said it would be ready by Thursday.
Last Friday was Johnny Appleseed day. It's a real day to celebrate the famous guy who went around America sowing his seeds wherever he went. He was the 19th century Arnold Schwarzenegger.
This Date In History: 1399;
King Richard II became the first English monarch to abdicate his throne.
1829;
Sir Robert Peel's police force, the "bobbies," began operations at Scotland Yard.
1895
French chemist Louis Pasteur died.
1978; John Paul I died one month after becoming pope.
1982;
Seven people died after taking Extra-Strength Tylenol capsules laced with cyanide. This led to the use of safety seals on most consumer products.
1988;
The space shuttle Discovery was launched, the first American staffed space flight since the Challenger disaster.
2001;
Former South Vietnam president Nguyen Van Thieu died.
Picture Of The Day: No thyme, no reason, just funny.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Why am I always behind morons at McDonald's who act like they've never seen the menu in their life?
2) What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
3) She said, "Go down a water slide without water and you'll understand why foreplay is so important." 4) I'm really not sure why people tell me to "be honest", then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. 5) I had amnesia once - maybe twice.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Libra - September 29th: The lyrics "rainy days and Mondays always get me down" won't apply to you today. Granted, today is Monday and the chance of rain is a proverbial crap shoot, but you'll escape from both in good shape. Chance of romance is twenty percent (it is Monday) but luck may come in another form. Don't get into an elevator with a midget.
Birthdays: My friends Deena and Teryl - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX, Miguel de Cervantes,
novelist, dramatist and poet 1547,
Horatio Nelson,
admiral 1758,
Enrico Fermi,
physicist 1901,
Greer Garson,
actress 1904,
Gene Autry,
singer, actor 1907,
Stanley Kramer,
film director 1913,
Jerry Lee Lewis,
rock musician 1935, Lech Walesa, Polish labor leader 1943,
Bryant Gumbel,
TV newscaster 1948.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day. Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest, most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy and said, "It's official, I am the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, saying. "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says."Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve. They had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Four guys have been going on the same hunting trip for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Chris' wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Chris' buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Chris sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. One of them asks, "Damn Chris, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?" Chris says, "Well, I've been here since yesterday."
The guys asks, "How did you convince her?"
Chris says, "Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom."
Chris went on, "The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and handcuff her to the bed, and I did. Then she said, 'Do whatever you want'. So, here I am."
Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound.
Miss Annabell said, "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City. They have men there who kiss other men on the lips." Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my!" Miss Annabell said, "They call them homosexuals." The young girls fan themselves and say "Oh my! Oh my!"
Miss Annabell continued, "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!" The girls asked, "What do they call them?" Miss Annabell said, "They call them lesbians."
Miss Annabell said, "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City." The young girls squealed, "Oh My! Oh My!," as they sat on the edge of their chairs and fanned themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they asked in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and said in a hush, "Why, when I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'."
That's it for today, my little koala bears. Remember, do not use a microwave oven and a toaster at the same time. It will throw Earth out of orbit and we will plummet into the sun.
More on Wednesday.
Stay Tuned !
I needed a few things from Publix on Sunday and I figured, what the hell, it's 6:30, I'll just slip on enough clothes so I don't get arrested, run in, run out, no problems. I mean, who's going to see me at 6:30 am on a Sunday?
Murphy's Law states that if something can possibly go wrong, it will..... and it did.
The morning dawn was creeping into my living room as I hurriedly looked for a T-shirt with the least amount of holes that also matched my pajama pants. I slipped on my bedroom slippers, grabbed a baseball cap and took a quick look in the bathroom mirror. The reflection in the mirror remarkably resembled actor Nick Nolte after his Hollywood arrest.
I thought, "Ah, screw it. How bad can a quick trip be?" Of course, in retrospect, it was definitely a bad idea not to take a little more time and choose something of a little better quality. At least a pair of jeans and a T-shirt with no holes. Surely not as comfortable as what I wore, but a bit more respectable.
I arrived at Publix, got a great parking spot and went into the store. As I grabbed a cart and went between the sliding glass doors, the first person I saw was my old girlfriend. Although I was extremely embarrassed, she and I had been out all night in the past. She knows what I look like in the morning and I consoled myself knowing I also know what she looks like in the morning.
We are still friends and I awkwardly explained the reason behind my choice of garb. She laughed, we exchanged pleasantries and I went into the store to grab the few necessities I wanted and, hopefully, escape with my remaining dignity intact.
But it just was not meant to be, forcing me to make a mental note to remember this trip. I had experienced a similar event in the past and one would think one would clearly remember the embarrassment....one would think.
I grabbed three of the six things that I needed and in the next aisle was the remaining three item I needed. Knowing the finish line was on the horizon, I turned into the aisle and there she was.
A woman that I had flirted with and (you'll pardon the word) lusted for thirty years ago. We both knew at the time that the only reason we weren't together was the simple fact that we were both married to other people.
Thirty years ago! And she looked fantastic, dressed sexily to the "nines" and wearing makeup. And I looked like Nick Nolte when he was arrested. She recognized me immediately and came over to kiss and embrace me. Thankfully, I did take the time to put on cologne so, although I looked like a horse's ass, I didn't smell like one.
I apologized for my attire and tried to explain my reasoning. As always, she was very graceful and said she had done the same thing in the past. Knowing this woman as I do, there was no chance she ever went anywhere without dressing. We kissed goodbye and I trudged slowly to the cashier to check out. I say slowly because there was no reason to rush now. I mean, what the hell, who's going to see me at this hour.......?
The News As I See It: Some studies conclude that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine will prolong your life. Well, it turns out that's not true. The new study was conducted by the New Haven Institute of Buzz Kill.
TMZ released a surveillance video of Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, hitting and kicking her husband Jay-Z in an elevator. It's embarrassing for Beyoncé, but it's the best-case scenario for when someone tells you, "Hey, a video just leaked online of your husband and your sister going at it."
During his trip to the White House, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden and Obama both said, "Thanks, but I'm happily married."
Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘Deadline deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'”
The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.
Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren't supposed to be in a gay relationship until they're sent to prison.
In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.
They are reopening the Washington monument. The building has been shut down for the last two years - sort of like the Obama administration.
This Date In History: 1796;
Edward Jenner administered the first smallpox vaccine to 8-year-old James Phipps.
1804;
The Lewis and Clark expedition set out from St. Louis.
1904;
The Olympic Games were held in the United States for the first time, in St. Louis, Missouri.
1948;
British rule in Palestine came to an end as The Jewish National Council proclaimed the State of Israel. Within hours, Israel was under attack from Arab forces.
1955;
The Warsaw Pact was signed by the Soviet Union and seven other Communist bloc countries. It finally dissolved in 1991.
1973;
Skylab, the United States’ first space station, was launched into orbit.
1998;
Frank Sinatra died at the age of 82.
Picture Of The Day: Holleman's Karaoke at Sabores Reataurant in Miami Springs with yours truly at the mic.
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I think that the "till death do us part" of wedding vows should be reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
2) I often wondered what it'd be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my girlfriend and she said you get used to it after a while.
3) Thanks to yesterday's chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.
4) My buxom friend sat on her cat. Long story short, I can now add search and rescue / proctologist and vet to my resume.
5) "Stay out of the heat and stay hydrated."
Thank you news-anchor. It's my first summer.....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 14th: Today, you will learn that the average male has had 15 sex partners, the average female has had 7 and the average penguin has had one. You will also learn that you're a penguin.
The urban term "chillax" is a combination of the slang "chill" and the more traditional word "laxative."
Birthdays: Thomas Gainsborough,
painter 1727,
Robert Owen,
social reformer 1771,
Otto Klemperer,
conductor 1885, George Lucas, American film director and producer 1944,
David Byrne,
musician 1952,
Cate Blanchett
,actress 1969.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. The 5-year-old said,
"Hit him again, He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they all dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath. He mumbles from behind the mask,
"Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely,
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
That's it for today, my little ducklings. Remember, the worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
A trip to AREA 51 sounds like a plan.
More on Friday.
Stay Tuned !
