I Know Nothing !

Sergeant Schultz and the Obama White House continue to insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until he heard about it in the news. Besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about this. Insiders are suggesting that he fire the Cabinet and hire the media so they'll all be on the same page when news breaks.

So, the president didn't know about Benghazi, didn't know about the IRS scandal, didn't know about the AP scandal. Do you know what this means? They took "don't ask, don't tell" out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.

Lois Lerner, head of the tax-exempt organization division of the IRS, testified before a congressional committee. She pleaded the Fifth and refused to answer questions. Somebody from the IRS refusing to answer questions?

Lerner resigned and took a comfy government income. Now, the IRS lost her emails that could have proven she was in cahoots with the White House. Why" Because she was sicking the IRS on the opposition during the 2012 presidential campaign.

You know, she needs to return to face a special prosecutor and put her answers in writing by some specific date, like....oh, maybe April 15th! Maybe that's a good date. And then, charge her a penalty for every day that she's late.

It's not about being against immigrants. It's about doing things legally. If I were to come to your house, I would knock on the front door. I wouldn't walk around your house, crawl in through the bathroom window, then sneak up behind you and scream feed me, house me and give me benefits! Stop distorting the facts. The White House should enforce existing laws!

The News As I See It: Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration.

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now

You may have heard that Obama was the first black president of the United States of America. Technically, that is incorrect. He is the first mulatto president. Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be.....

This Date In History: 1566; French astrologer, physician, and prophet Nostradamus died. When asked about his death replied, "He was in good health. I guess he didn't see it coming." 1881; President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau. He died on September 19th.

1890; Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1937; Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to fly around the world. 1964; President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law.

1976; In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1997; Actor James Stewart died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Steve Fossett became the first to circumnavigate the globe solo in a balloon.

Picture Of The Day: Tis the season. Yep, hurricane season has arrived and the first one of the season is named Arthur, who was born in my backyard and is predicted to scurry north up the eastern coastline. Time to make plans and gather the proper supplies to weather out any storms.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've stepped on a Lego before so I'm calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down. 2) Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo? 3) If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. 4) There are two theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 5) There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 2nd: Do not take the time to respond to the continuing emails from Nigeria notifying you of the various monies you have inherited or won. Just wait for your check from Publisher's Clearing House for $10,000,00. The Nigerians understand. One another note, never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Birthdays: My friends Cathy and Jennifer - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX,  Martha Washington, wife of George Washington 1731, John Randolph, legislator 1773, Thomas Hardy, novelist 1840, Sir Edward William Elgar, composer 1857, Johnny Weissmuller, Olympic swimmer and actor 1904, Barbara Pym, writer 1913, Cornel West, scholar 1953, Freddy Adu, Soccer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, the minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather and unto the Sonnn and......into the hole he gooooes."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy goes to the doctor and shows him a purple dot on his forehead. The doctor tells him it's rare but he has a penis that's starting to grow out of his forehead and tells him it can't removed because he'll die. The doctor told him within 6 weeks, it will be fully developed.

The patient says, "Doc ,you mean in 6 weeks every day when I wake up and look into the mirror I'm going to see a penis protruding out of my forehead? The doctor says, "No son, you don't have to worry. By that time, the balls will be covering your eyes!"

A man playing the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

The lady said, "I'm on the 7th hole she and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 

She said, "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

The man approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?''

She replied, "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh." 'The man said, "No, I won't." She answered, "Well, if you must know, I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and almost fell off the bar stool. She said, "See, I knew you'd laugh!'' The man said, "That's not what I'm laughing at. I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember, no matter how many times you try, you'll never be able to make fried chicken like your mother and father used to make. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

I Know Nothing !

There are so many congressional hearings about scandals going on in Washington that you need a program to keep up with who's lying to whom and about what. On top of that, white house spokesman Jay Carney has his ass backed to the wall with so many prying questions from the press that he looks like Opie Taylor answering to Sheriff Andy the day after he got caught skipping school.

As usual, nobody seems to know nothing about anything. Jay Carney has artfully instructed both Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder on the art of side stepping and generally avoiding any and all uncomfortable questions. It looks like a reincarnation of Hogan's Heroes with all the players vying for the part of Sgt Schultz, whose epic answer was always, "I know nothing!"

The News As I See It: Obama's right in the middle of three scandals. First it was Benghazi and the subsequent cover-up, then the IRS unfairly singled out conservative groups and others it doesn't like. IRS commissioner Steve Miller said about targeting conservative groups thing that, "Mistakes were made, but they were in no way made with a political or partisan motivation." Yeah, "Mistakes were made" — try saying that during your next IRS audit.

Now, the Department of Justice has secretly recorded the phone calls of Associated Press journalists for two months. Obama promised reporters that the AP incident will be immediately investigated — by the Department of Justice.

Remember the good old days when Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden? What happened to those days? So three big scandals. Personally, I preferred the Weiner and Spitzer scandals. At least they were funnier.

Update: Obama announced on Wednesday that Steven Miller, the acting director of the Internal Revenue Service, had resigned amid criticism over the tax agency's handling of conservative groups seeking tax-exempt status.

Speaking from the White House's East Room, Obama said that he had instructed Treasury Secretary Jack Lew to hold the IRS accountable for its missteps, revealed in a Treasury Department inspector general's report released on Tuesday. Among the steps Lew took was to request and accept "the resignation of the acting commissioner of the IRS."

Jodi Arias:The same Phoenix jury that convicted Jodi Arias for the 2008 slaying of her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, declared Wednesday that she is eligible for the death penalty. The jury returned the eligibility verdict after less than three hours of deliberation.

O,J, Simpson is back in court. He's trying to get himself a new trial. He was tossed into prison for a long time for stealing his own sports memorabilia. Double homicide.....nothing, acquitted. Stealing sports memorabilia.....convicted, 30 years to life.

O.J.'s lawyer said, "Look, we've been through this before. It's a long shot. And O.J. said, "I think I'll take a stab at it." O.J. has gained a lot of weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife. Remember: If the pants don't fit, you must acquit.

Last Saturday, the West Wing of the White House was evacuated when an overheated transformer set off a smoke alarm. Or as Obama put it, “Yeah, definitely check out that crazy transformer. Kind of smells like a Marlboro."

Officials in Belize say that a construction company accidentally destroyed a set of Mayan ruins that were 2,000 years old. Or as the Mayans put it, "Eh, it's not the end of the world."

This Date In History: 1862; The U.S. Department of Agriculture was created by an act of Congress on this day. 1911; The Standard Oil Company, headed by John D. Rockefeller, was ordered dissolved by the Supreme Court, under the Sherman Antitrust Act.

1918; The first air mail route in the U.S. was established between New York and Washington, DC, with a stop at Philadelphia. 1930; On a Boeing Air Transport flight between Oakland and Chicago, Ellen Church became the first airline stewardess.

1940; Nylon stockings went on sale for the first time in the United States. 1972; Alabama Governor George Wallace was shot and crippled as he campaigned for the presidency. 1988; The Soviet Union began to withdraw its estimated 115,000 troops from Afghanistan.

Picture Of The Day: "I Know Nothing!"

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) If I opened a restaurant, I'd call it, "I Don't Care, Where Do You Wanna Go?" 2) I'm not a racist. I hate all races equally, especially the 100 meter dash and the marathon.  3) I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. 4) Make fun of my pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire tonight. 5) The next time a bill collector calls, just give the phone to your toddler and tell her it's Barney.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Taurus - May 15th: Vegetables have always made you think naughty thoughts. Please bear this in mind if you plan any visits to the market this week.

Birthdays: Claudio Monteverdi composer 1567, Lyman Frank,Baum author 1856, Pierre Curie, scientist 1859, Katherine Anne Porter author, 1890, Richard Joseph Daley political leader 1902, James Mason actor 1909, Paul A. Samuelson economist, 1915, Richard Avedon photographer, 1923, Jasper Johns artist 1930, Madeleine Albright government official, 1937.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that reads, "Looking for man who won't beat me up, run away from me and is great in bed." She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad, but never met anyone.

One day, she finds a man at her door. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." The woman says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

About 200 dead crows were found dead near Boston and there was great concern about the possibility of “Avian Flu”. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. However, he did determine that ninety-eight percent of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only two percent were killed by impact with cars.

The city of Boston hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine why there were such disproportionate percentages for "truck versus car" kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in very short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of any impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow could easily say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck"!

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.

To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.

He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.

After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!"

To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

That's it for today, my little rascals. Remember, cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do. I'm going over to AREA 51 for happy hour. "Ta Da!"

That's it for now. More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !