"When I Was Your Age....."

Parents always seem to have those "I walked six miles a day, barefoot through snow, uphill both ways, to get to school" stories. My friend once told my Dad about his colonoscopy, telling him about the pain and pressure that he felt while the camera was in "Neverland". Dad told him that, back in the day, his colonoscopy was done by a sketch artist.

I can't imagine what today's parents will tell their kids about growing up. I mean, what are you going to say? My cell phone camera didn't have a flash feature? I only got a used car when I turned sixteen? I can't wait to hear those stories of "suffering".

Thousands of immigrant children crossed the border illegally, mostly from Honduras. Obama wants an additional 3 billion dollars to deal with them. How does an eleven-year-old child make the 1300 mile trip across Mexico to the U.S. border. Heres a plan. Put their young asses on a bus and send them back!

The News As I See It: This week is the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So, if you’re sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones. The Running of the Bulls tradition started in the 1500s. Instead of saying it is too dangerous, they said, "You know, if we got drunk enough we could turn this into a festival."

It's a terrifying feeling to be rushed by that giant herd of creatures. It's like being the last candy bar at Honey Boo Boo's house.

Last week the U.S. was eliminated by Belgium at the World Cup. And next week Belgium will be eliminated by drones.

An 81-year-old-woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient.

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 40 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."

Yesterday, in 1776, the Liberty Bell rang in Philadelphia to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak. A Philly cheesesteak is made of steak, bread, cheese, onions and a complete disregard for your health.

This Date In History: 1816; Argentina formally declared independence from Spain. 1850; Zachary Taylor, the 12th president of the U.S., died after only 16 months in office. 1872; The doughnut cutter was patented by John F. Blondel of Thomaston, Maryland.

1896; William Jennings Bryan delivered his "cross of gold" speech at the Democratic National Convention. 1900; The British Parliament proclaimed that as of Jan. 1, 1901, the six Australian colonies would be united at the Commonwealth of Australia.

1974; Former U.S. chief justice Earl Warren died in Washington, DC. 1997; Boxer Mike Tyson was temporarily banned from boxing for biting Evander Holyfield's ear.

2002; Baseball's All-Star Game ended in a tie after 11 innings. Both sides had run out of pitchers. 2011; After more than 50 years of struggle, South Sudan declares independence and becomes Africa's 54th state.

Picture Of The Day: The serenity of this picture just blew me away.
 

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. 2) A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 3) My friend's daughter was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then she realized she could just like Facebook photos to save lives. 4) My ex-wife and I never thought alike. She donated money to the homeless, and I donated money to the topless 5) It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 9th: You may get that feeling to "wander" this week, but it's not a good idea. Changing an ill fitting shirt for another ill fitting shirt won't help. Remember, a relationship is like wine. It gets better with age. Alas. it also makes you say things you regret, but I digress.....

Birthdays: Ann Radcliffe, novelist 1764, Elias Howe, inventor 1819, Nikola Tesla, electrical engineer, inventor 1856, Dorothy Thompson, journalist 1893, Donald H. Rumsfeld, secretary of Defense 1932, David Hockney, artist 1937, Tom Hanks, actor 1956, Courtney Love, singer 1964.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Welcome! Because we are currently operating at 99 percent capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance." The blonde agrees.

St. Peter says, "Here's your question: Name two days of the week that begin with the letter T." The blonde says, "Today and tomorrow!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's not the answer I was thinking of, but I'll give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?" The blonde says, "That's easy. Twelve!" St. Peter says, "Twelve?" The blonde says, "Yeah! January second, February second, March second---"

St. Peter says, "Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. What is God's is name?" The blonde says, "That's easy. It's Howard" St. Peter says, "Howard?" The blonde says, "You know, 'Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...'"

Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers and says, "Been on vacation yet, lads?'' John says, "Off to England next month. We go to England every year, hire a car. and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

The bartender says, "Ah, England, wonderful Country. The history, the beer, the culture...'' John interrupts, "Nah, we don't like that British crap. Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh, Jim? And we can't stand the English. They're so arrogant and rude, not civil and polite like us Canadians."

The bartender asks, ''So why keep going to England ?" John says, "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive..."

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph, "Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there." Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."

 A guy in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian who is waiting for her date. He just won't take no for an answer. The lesbian smirks and says, "Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't,"

This guy thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

That's it for today, my little whipper snappers. Remember, Fettuccini Alfredo is just macaroni and cheese for adults. I think I'll mosey over to AREA 51.  It's been a while since I've mosied.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !

The Annual Running Of The Fools.....I Mean Bulls

In past history, overpopulation has been controlled by war and disease. Modern medicine, to a degree, has negated nature's way of thinning the herd, leaving an excess of dimwits. But fear not. The annual Fiesta de San Fermin also known as the "Running of the Bulls" has begun.

The event involves the running of the bulls through the historic heart of Pamplona, Spain and participants try to outrun the bulls without getting injured or killed. It was made famous by the 1926 Ernest Hemingway novel "The Sun Also Rises". Four people were hospitalized on the first day of the daily race through the narrow, cobbled streets that form part of the northern city’s week-long festival.

The first bull running is on July 7, followed by one on each of the following mornings of the festival, beginning every day at 8 am. Among the rules to take part in the event are that participants must be at least 18 years old, run in the same direction as the bulls, not incite the bulls and not be under the influence of alcohol.

While the first two rules are good and usually obeyed, the last two rules are always ignored. Therein lies my definition of the thinning of the (human) herd of idiots and dimwits. Unfortunately, the bulls, who are stabbed and gored by Picadores on horseback, have less than a fighting chance. When the matador makes his entrance, the exhausted bull usually doesn't stand a chance.

I always root for the bull and there are occasions when the bull wins.

The News As I See It: Hillary Clinton, under pressure by students at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas to return and donate the $225,000 speaking fee for her upcoming appearance, said on Friday that she has donated all the money she has earned from her public speaking appearances at colleges and universities in the past year and a half to the Clinton Foundation.

I applaud her heartfelt donations as I, too, have donated all monies earned from my music and performances to my charity, the "Send Jimmy To The French Riviera Foundation."

This Date In History: 1456; Twenty-five years after her execution, Pope Calixtus III annulled the heresy charges brought against Joan of Arc. 1797; William Blount of Tennessee became the first U.S. senator to be impeached.

1846; Commodore John D. Sloat occupied Monterey and declared California annexed to the United States. 1898; The United States annexed Hawaii. 1946; Italian-born Mother Frances Xavier Cabrini was canonized, becoming the first American saint.

1981; President Ronald Reagan nominated Sandra Day O'Connor for the Supreme Court. 2005; 52 people were killed and hundreds injured in London when terrorists bombed subways and a bus.

Picture Of The Day: The bulls have been turned loose and the dummies prepare to be trampled.....

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. "Jimmy doesn't have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?" 2) Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. 3) I childproofed my home but the little bastards are still getting in. 4) By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry". 5) You've never truly appreciated Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 7th: There are days when it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and you're a pair of brown shoes. This happens from time to time, but fret not. Drinking and sex makes you alert and ready to face the world. It's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.

Birthdays: Joseph Jacquard, inventor 1752, Gustav Mahler,  composer, conductor 1860, Marc Chagall, painter 1887, Leroy "Satchel" Paige, American baseball player 1906, Robert A. Heinlein, science-fiction writer 1907, Pierre Cardin, fashion designer 1922, Ringo Starr, musician 1940, Michelle Kwan, figure skater 1980.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. His father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane! Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

The father said, "So, that's when you jumped?" The son said, "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

His father said, "So, did you jump?" The son said, "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed on to the door and refused to go."

The son continued, "Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, 'No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this baby up where the sun doesn't shine.'"

The father asked, "So, did you jump?" The son replied, "Well, a little, at first."

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. When he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men can still think fast.
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.

They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!" The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though, because they are so sour they make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

Thieves robbed and bound a Miami man yesterday. They gagged him with a piece of rope and covered his eyes with masking tape. He was able to chew through the rope after two hours of trying. His inspiration came from remembering eating his wife's pot roast.

That's it for today, my little french fries. Remember, cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.

More on Wednesday.

Stay Tuned !

Happy Independence Day !

Celebrating Independence Day (the Fourth of July) is possible because of the wise founding fathers of the United States of America and the men and women of all the armed forces, both past and present, who serve and protect this nation. As you enjoy this holiday weekend, please take the time to remember all of our soldiers and leaders who have served or are now serving America.

While our diverse cultures and beliefs allow us to celebrate our countries of origin, our gods and our ethnicity's, make no mistake that America, its people, its flag and its national symbols come before any other country, flag, or ethnicity.

To deny this is to deny the reason why America exists today and why we are able to express our thoughts and views, without persecution. If this view sounds unreasonable, then perhaps you're living in the wrong country!

Most people, especially the youth of today, are unaware of many of the stories behind our National Day of celebration. For those of you who study in school or enjoy history, the following may be just a stroll down memory lane.

For those of you that are unaware or have forgotten why we are a free nation today, the following is something you should not only be aware of, but should pass on to your children, as well.

Independence Day, commonly known as the Fourth of July, is a federal holiday in the United States of America commemorating the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, declaring independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain (now officially known as the United Kingdom).

Independence Day is commonly associated with various public and private events celebrating the history, government, and traditions of the United States. Independence Day is the National Day of the United States.

During the American Revolution, the legal separation of the Thirteen Colonies from Great Britain occurred on July 2, 1776, when the Second Continental Congress voted to approve a resolution of independence that had been proposed in June by Richard Henry Lee of Virginia declaring the United States independent from Great Britain.

After voting for independence, Congress turned its attention to the Declaration of Independence, a statement explaining this decision, which had been prepared by a Committee of Five with Thomas Jefferson as its principal author. Congress debated and revised the wording of the Declaration, finally approving it on July 4th.

Historians have long disputed whether Congress actually signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, even though Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, and Benjamin Franklin all later wrote that they had signed it on that day. Most historians have concluded that the Declaration was signed nearly a month after its adoption, on August 2, 1776, and not on July 4 as is commonly believed.

In a remarkable coincidence, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, the only signers of the Declaration of Independence later to serve as Presidents of the United States, died on the same day: July 4, 1826, which was the 50th anniversary of the Declaration.

Although not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, another Founding Father who became a President, James Monroe, died on July 4, 1831, thus becoming the third President in a row who died on this memorable day.

Calvin Coolidge, the 30th President, was born on July 4, 1872, and, so far, is the only President to have been born on Independence Day.

 

The News As I See It: Seven Stones is a traditional game played in the Middle East where teams compete to build and destroy a pile of rocks. It is currently being televised on Iranian television and is very popular. "Seven Stones" is followed by "How I Met Your Mullah."

Fidel Castro made a rare appearance on Cuban television. It’s a new show called "Cuba’s Got Talent, but America’s Got Food, Water, Shelter, and Medicine."

What to make for the Fourth of July weekend? Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.

This Date In History: 1776; The U.S. declared independence from Great Britain. 1826; Former presidents John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died. 1831; Former president James Monroe died. 1845; Henry David Thoreau moved into his shack on Walden Pond.

1862; Lewis Carroll first told the story of Alice's Adventures Underground to the Liddell sisters. 1884; The Statue of Liberty was presented to the United States in Paris. 1895; Katharine Lee Bates published America the Beautiful.

1939; Lou Gehrig, stricken with ALS, made his farewell at Yankee Stadium. 1976; The United States celebrated its bicentennial. 1997; The U.S. Pathfinder probe landed on Mars.

2012; The European Organization for Nuclear Research, also known as CERN, announced the discovery of a new particle with properties consistent with the Higgs boson.

Picture Of The Day: This picture says it all !

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to a woman and not being able to remember her name, how I met her, or why she's handcuffed to me. 2) When I first met my future ex-mother-in-law, I could already visualize the duct tape over her mouth. 3) A bank just opened near me and has a sign that says "24 Hour Banking" but I don't have that much time. 4) I spoke to a doctor yesterday and he suggested that a combination of wine, women and song often shortens a man's life. If that's true, I may start singing karaoke less often. 5) The reason that men chase women they have no intention of marrying is the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 4th: This weekend will be great for you and yours. Don't let minor skirmishes frustrate you. The greatest things in life are free so stop and smell the proverbial roses. Remember, whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies and kittens

Birthdays: Nathaniel Hawthorne, author 1804, Giuseppe Garibaldi, Italian patriot 1807, Stephen Foster, composer 1826, Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the United States (1923–1929) 1872, Rube Goldberg, cartoonist and sculptor 1883, Louis B. Mayer, movie executive 1885, Meyer Lansky, mobster 1902, Ann Landers, advice columnist 1918, Abigail Van Buren, advice columnist 1918, Eva Marie Saint, actress 1924, Neil Simon, playwright, producer 1927, Gina Lollobrigida, model, actress 1927, George Steinbrenner, owner of NY Yankees 1930.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasms'."

Ethel continued, "You know,  mutual orgasms here and mutual orgasms there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasms?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

 A Jewish man is walking on Miami Beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish."

The genie looks concerned, then says, "No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?"

The guy says, "Well, my whole life I’ve never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "How would you define peace?"
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, "What the hell was that all about?"

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force Pilot said, "Hmmm.....and all these years, I've been chewing gum."

That's it for today, my little sparklers. Remember, a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. I have no idea who wrote that. AREA 51 is "iffy" tonight because there is a big Nascar race from Daytona tonight.

Have a great Fourth of July weekend and more on Monday.

Stay Tuned !

I Know Nothing !

Sergeant Schultz and the Obama White House continue to insist that Obama knew nothing about the IRS scandal until he heard about it in the news. Besides, he was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about this. Insiders are suggesting that he fire the Cabinet and hire the media so they'll all be on the same page when news breaks.

So, the president didn't know about Benghazi, didn't know about the IRS scandal, didn't know about the AP scandal. Do you know what this means? They took "don't ask, don't tell" out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House.

Lois Lerner, head of the tax-exempt organization division of the IRS, testified before a congressional committee. She pleaded the Fifth and refused to answer questions. Somebody from the IRS refusing to answer questions?

Lerner resigned and took a comfy government income. Now, the IRS lost her emails that could have proven she was in cahoots with the White House. Why" Because she was sicking the IRS on the opposition during the 2012 presidential campaign.

You know, she needs to return to face a special prosecutor and put her answers in writing by some specific date, like....oh, maybe April 15th! Maybe that's a good date. And then, charge her a penalty for every day that she's late.

It's not about being against immigrants. It's about doing things legally. If I were to come to your house, I would knock on the front door. I wouldn't walk around your house, crawl in through the bathroom window, then sneak up behind you and scream feed me, house me and give me benefits! Stop distorting the facts. The White House should enforce existing laws!

The News As I See It: Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He's concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that's just in his administration.

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now

You may have heard that Obama was the first black president of the United States of America. Technically, that is incorrect. He is the first mulatto president. Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be.....

This Date In History: 1566; French astrologer, physician, and prophet Nostradamus died. When asked about his death replied, "He was in good health. I guess he didn't see it coming." 1881; President James Garfield was shot by Charles Guiteau. He died on September 19th.

1890; Congress passed the Sherman Antitrust Act. 1937; Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to fly around the world. 1964; President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 into law.

1976; In Gregg v. Georgia, the Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty was not inherently cruel or unusual. 1997; Actor James Stewart died in Beverly Hills, California. 2002; Steve Fossett became the first to circumnavigate the globe solo in a balloon.

Picture Of The Day: Tis the season. Yep, hurricane season has arrived and the first one of the season is named Arthur, who was born in my backyard and is predicted to scurry north up the eastern coastline. Time to make plans and gather the proper supplies to weather out any storms.

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I've stepped on a Lego before so I'm calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down. 2) Is it still casual sex if you're wearing a tuxedo? 3) If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. 4) There are two theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. 5) There are three kinds of people: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Cancer - July 2nd: Do not take the time to respond to the continuing emails from Nigeria notifying you of the various monies you have inherited or won. Just wait for your check from Publisher's Clearing House for $10,000,00. The Nigerians understand. One another note, never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Birthdays: My friends Cathy and Jennifer - Happy Birthday ladies 19XX,  Martha Washington, wife of George Washington 1731, John Randolph, legislator 1773, Thomas Hardy, novelist 1840, Sir Edward William Elgar, composer 1857, Johnny Weissmuller, Olympic swimmer and actor 1904, Barbara Pym, writer 1913, Cornel West, scholar 1953, Freddy Adu, Soccer 1989.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, the minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather and unto the Sonnn and......into the hole he gooooes."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: My thanks to my pal Victor for his contribution to today's stories.

A guy goes to the doctor and shows him a purple dot on his forehead. The doctor tells him it's rare but he has a penis that's starting to grow out of his forehead and tells him it can't removed because he'll die. The doctor told him within 6 weeks, it will be fully developed.

The patient says, "Doc ,you mean in 6 weeks every day when I wake up and look into the mirror I'm going to see a penis protruding out of my forehead? The doctor says, "No son, you don't have to worry. By that time, the balls will be covering your eyes!"

A man playing the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

The lady said, "I'm on the 7th hole she and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 

She said, "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

The man approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?''

She replied, "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh." 'The man said, "No, I won't." She answered, "Well, if you must know, I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and almost fell off the bar stool. She said, "See, I knew you'd laugh!'' The man said, "That's not what I'm laughing at. I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

That's it for today, my little orange blossoms. Remember, no matter how many times you try, you'll never be able to make fried chicken like your mother and father used to make. It's hump day and a good reason to head over to AREA 51 for happy hour.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !