The Good, The Bad And The Ugly Denizens Of Publix

I went shopping at Publix today. I had to....Samantha prefers wet cat food to dry cat food and I like my dry cat food with milk. Out of milk too. The drawback was that my feet were hurting badly, but listening to Samantha's faux woeful lament was worse. Additionally, Pepperidge Farms cookies were on sale (5 for $10).

I enjoy shopping at Publix. I know many of the people that work there from the managers down to the stock clerks. I recognize a lot of the shoppers as well. Most are pleasant with the exception of two groups that I abhor.

First and foremost are the shoppers who bring their rude and obnoxious litters who scream and run amok in the store. I usually suggest to them to practice safer sex. Secondly, there is a independent gaggle of really ugly women I refer to as cell phone ladies, who evidently have no lives as they wander from aisle to aisle with their cell phones up their ass.

On the upside, there are many good looking women who I usually accidentally trail. I occasionally run into old friends and some of the first lessons I learned as a single shopper was to eat before you go and always dress well.

I can't begin to tell you the number of women I have run into who I either knew or wanted to know in the early days when I figured, "What the hell. Who's going to see me?" They looked great and I looked like Nick Nolte's mug shot.

I saved about $30 today and most of the people who irritate me must have had their bail revoked because the store was relatively quiet with two exceptions.

My cart is always the one with either the bad wheel or takes three me to separate if from it's mate

The first group of people are those making their deli orders and apparently having lunch by consuming a sample of every freebie they can. The only thing missing was a quiet little table and a drink.

Today, the other was one of the cell phone ladies, yakking away, who for some reason was on the same circuit agenda as me, except in opposite directions.

Each time I entered an aisle, there she was in oncoming traffic. I attempted to resolve that by going past the next aisle figuring I'd double back to the lane I skipped. Alas, foiled again. She ran into another cell phone lady and they had a lovely four way conversation in the middle of the aisle.

On the way home, I remembered my military years and learning how to plant I.E.D.'s and land mines......

The News As I See It: On Grammy night, AC/DC received criticism after they used a teleprompter for their own song during the opening of the Grammys. I don't want to say they're getting old, but when they sing "Highway to Hell", they leave their right blinker on the whole time.

According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.

Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, "This factory is terrible."

It was revealed that, in 2011, Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.

Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" again. She treats that show like it's a time share in San Diego. Rosie says she's leaving "The View" to focus on her health (right). She said her doctors were concerned about all the stress that working an hour a day puts on the body.

This Date In History: 1805; Lewis and Clark's Shoshone guide Sacajawea gave birth to a son, Jean Baptiste. 1809; Robert Fulton patented the steamboat. 1858; Saint Bernadette of Lourdes first saw a vision of the Virgin Mary at Lourdes, France, leading to the foundation of the shrine of Lourdes.

1872; Muslims invented the condom using a goat's intestine. 1873; The British somewhat refined the Muslim's 1872 idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first. 1929; Lateran Treaty was signed, with Italy recognizing the independence and sovereignty of Vatican City.

1945; Yalta Agreement signed by President Franklin Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin during World War II. 1970; Japan became the fourth country to put a satellite into orbit. 1979; Ayatollah Khomeini's followers seized control of the Iran government.

1989; The Episcopal Church Boston diocese consecrated Barbara Harris as the church's first woman bishop. 1990; South African resistance leader, Nelson Mandela, was released from prison after more than 27 years.

2011; As a result of the Arab Spring protests, Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak announces his resignation and hands power of the country over to the military. 2012; Pop star Whitney Houston died at the Beverly Hilton hotel in Los Angeles, the night before the annual Grammy Awards.

Picture Of The Day: The Deli is always the best part of the store

Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) How are we expecting to cure diseases when, as a society, we can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly? 2) Another "World's Oldest Man" has died. This is beginning to look suspicious. 3) The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

4) A new study shows that unattractive people make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists. 5) A guy stole my bike, so I got in a cab and said, "Follow that guy!" He said, "Sure, whats his twitter name?" We laughed and hi-fived and I need a new bike.....and that's five !

Today's Horoscope: Aquarius - February 11th: Changing your lifestyle and underwear are always a good start. If things start looking down, sit yourself down on the nearest swivelling chair and spin. If that doesn't raise a smile, then I'm all out of ideas. Hey, for what you pay me, that's pretty good advice.

Birthdays: Lydia Child, author and abolitionist 1802, Alexander H. Stephens, political leader 1812, Thomas Edison, American Inventor 1847, Sir Vivian Ernest Fuchs, geologist and explorer 1908, Joseph L. Mankiewicz, director, screenwriter, producer 1909, Eva Gabor, actress 1919, Farouk I, king of Egypt 1920, Burt Reynolds, actor 1936, Manuel Noriega, Panamanian General 1938, Sheryl Crow, singer 1962, Jennifer Aniston, actress 1969.

The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, "Low Bridge" but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver replied, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it."

The big alligator says, "What have you been eating?" The little gator says, "Lawyers, same as you." The big alligator asks, "Well, where do you catch’em?" The little gator answers, "Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp." The big alligator responds, "Hmmm...Same here. How do you catch’em?"

The little gator says, "Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite’em, shake the crap out of ‘em, and eat ‘em!"

The big alligator says, "Ah, I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a lawyer, there’s nothin’ left but lips and a briefcase."
 

The Hits Just Keep On Coming: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 'Ninety-nine'."

The old guy obeys and says,"99." The doctor says, "Great." Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'." Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor says, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'." The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three..."

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

A famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?" To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

That's it for today, my little doodlebugs. Remember, marriage is betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever. I'm skipping AREA 51 tonight because there'll be some parties this weekend and I want to be there.

More on Friday.

Stay Tuned !